PDF Summary:The Asshole Survival Guide, by Robert I. Sutton

Do you feel helpless or angry when confronted with mean people? Do you wish you had better strategies for dealing with them? In The Asshole Survival Guide, Robert I. Sutton offers wisdom for dealing with jerks—rude and tyrannical people of all kinds. Focusing primarily on bad behavior in the workplace, he argues that with the right tools, you can take away a jerk’s power, lessen their effect on you, and keep them from harming others.

In this guide, we’ll cover Sutton’s advice for identifying jerk behavior and knowing when you need to take action against jerks. Additionally, we’ll discuss approaches for dealing with jerks. Within each approach, we’ll explore some of Sutton’s actionable strategies. In our commentary, we’ll touch on other authors’ strategies for dealing with unpleasant people. Furthermore, we’ll explore some of the psychology behind rude and mean behavior and how it affects our mental state.

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According to Sutton, a jerk with nobody to support them and no real power over you or anyone else in the organization probably won’t be able to cause too much trouble. If you oversee the jerk and have to deal with them, you can likely implement consequences that discourage their bad behavior.

For example, suppose you’re a team leader with an employee who consistently interrupts and belittles others in meetings. As their supervisor, you can pull them aside, let them know why their behavior is unacceptable, and offer guidance for better ways to communicate. If their behavior doesn’t improve, you have the authority to write them up or otherwise discipline them.

(Shortform note: If you’re a manager and you have employees exhibiting jerk behavior, some experts suggest addressing the behavior as soon as possible. If you let it go for too long, you may seriously damage the morale of your other employees and lose some of your best people. Additionally, speak to the employee one-on-one about their behavior. Explain what consequences will happen if they continue or escalate the behavior, and offer mentoring where applicable. With appropriate guidance, some problematic employees can turn their behavior around and become valuable contributors.)

However, some people have a moderate amount of power and enjoy using it to mistreat others. They have just enough influence to seriously affect the well-being of others, but they don’t have as much as they want. Therefore, they take out their frustration on the people they can control. Dealing with these jerks may require a more nuanced, careful approach, as they can actually make decisions that affect your job.

For example, say your manager has been at the company for 15 years, but he’s been passed over for further promotions for a long time. This makes him feel cheated, and he’s always trying to impress the higher-ups to get the recognition he thinks he deserves. Therefore, he micromanages you and the rest of his team because he’s obsessed with making himself look good and doesn’t want his subordinates to make mistakes. Likewise, he takes credit anytime one of you does something well.

(Shortform note: According to some experts, when the type of jerk Sutton describes here becomes a manager, they’re the number one killer of innovation at companies. They’re motivated by recognition and personal power at the expense of the people below them, and they’re more likely to shut down new ideas because they perceive innovators as bad since they challenge the status quo. They also know how to work within the power structures of companies to make themselves look good, and they want to get rid of anything they perceive as a threat to their power—including someone else’s good idea.)

Dealing With Jerks

Just as there’s no one definition of what makes someone a jerk, there’s no one way to deal with a jerk. You must judge for yourself what strategies will be best depending on the situation and the people involved. In this section, we’ll discuss the approaches Sutton details based on the amount of interaction required with the jerk. For each subsequent approach, the level of interaction increases:

1. Leaving the jerk’s environment entirely
2. Reducing your interactions as much as possible
3. Lessening the jerk’s power over your mental state
4. Fighting back with offensive tactics

Approach #1: Remove Yourself Entirely From the Jerk’s Environment

Sutton argues that one of the best ways to deal with chronic jerk behavior is to get away from the person entirely. This might mean moving to a different company, moving to a different location, or switching jobs within the same company so you’re under a different boss. Being entirely out of the jerk’s orbit prevents you from experiencing damaging encounters with them.

(Shortform note: When deciding whether to switch jobs, consider making a pros and cons list of all the good and bad traits of the job. If the bad outweighs the good, it’s time to leave. Then, write a list of attributes you want from a new job—you don’t want to jump from one pool of jerks to another. For example, you might write characteristics you’d want coworkers to have or what you think an ideal company culture looks like. Finally, create a plan for your exit that includes how you’ll manage financially after quitting, whether you’re quitting before or after you find a new job, and the method you’ll use to resign.)

Strategy: Avoid Forming New Professional Connections With Jerks

Sutton argues that when possible, you should avoid entering into connections with jerks in the first place. If you’re never involved with them, you don’t have to go through the trouble of confronting them or planning a careful escape. Additionally, you don’t have to experience the emotional stress of engaging with them.

To avoid jerks, pay attention to how new business connections—whether they’re potential coworkers, bosses, clients, and so on—interact with and talk about the people they already work with. If they’re respectful to both you and their existing colleagues, they’ll likely be fine later on. However, if they’re nice to you but rude, condescending, or dismissive toward other people, they’ll probably eventually turn on you too.

(Shortform note: A job interview can be a good chance to assess for red flags that point to possible jerk behavior. If there are multiple interviewers, pay attention to how they interact with each other. If they interrupt each other, contradict each other, or try to dominate the conversation, they may be jerks (even if they’re nice to you). Additionally, watch out for offensive questions. If the interview questions are inappropriate, it’s a solid indicator that bad behavior is tolerated throughout the company. For example, asking a woman if she plans on having children soon might demonstrate a culture of sexism in which it’s assumed that a woman’s job performance is negatively affected by having children.)

You can also tell if someone’s a jerk by talking to people who have worked with them before. If those people have a lot of negative things to say about working with the person in question, then it’s best to avoid entering into a new professional relationship with them.

(Shortform note: Before you judge someone’s character based on anyone else’s opinion, determine whether you can trust the point of view of the person you’re listening to. If this person often has bad things to say about other people, they may not be the most reliable source. If possible, ask someone who generally shows compassion, empathy, and respect toward others. Also, find someone who’s honest even when the information they’re relaying is hard to hear. Finally, the person should be someone who doesn’t typically spread rumors and negativity. With these qualities combined, you can feel comfortable knowing they’ll provide a fair assessment of what it’s like to work with the potential new contact.)

Approach #2: Reduce Your Interactions With the Jerk

Sometimes, it’s too difficult to avoid a jerk entirely—for example, maybe you can’t afford to switch jobs. In such cases, Sutton suggests reducing your interactions with the jerk as much as possible.

(Shortform note: Even if switching jobs feels impossible because of your financial situation or something else, that doesn’t mean it actually is. If you’re worried about quitting because you live paycheck to paycheck, remember that you don’t have to leave your current job before applying for a new one. It might take some night and weekend work to search for open positions, but it’s only temporary. Additionally, consider that your precarious financial situation can be an incentive to quit—if your current job doesn’t pay you enough and exposes you to jerks, you have good reasons to find something better.)

Strategy: Separate Yourself From the Jerk Physically

Sutton argues that if you have to work with a jerk, you should create as much physical distance from them as possible. Research shows that this works because you’re much more likely to interact with someone using all forms of communication if they’re physically closer to you.

Therefore, if you distance yourself from a jerk, you won’t have to engage with them as much, and they’ll have a lesser effect on your mental well-being. It’ll also be less likely that their jerk behavior will rub off on you.

(Shortform note: One way to distance yourself physically from a jerk is switching to a remote or hybrid mode of work. You can better control the pace, format, and timing of the interactions you have with the jerk when working remotely. This allows you to limit the length and type of exposure you have to the jerk, meaning they’ll have less power over you and you’ll generally communicate less. Along with protecting your mental health, the reduced interruptions and separation from office politics that typically come with remote work can improve your productivity and focus.)

The farther you can move away from the jerk, the better—try working in a different building, on a different floor, or on the other side of the office. At the very least, move your desk so you’re not in their immediate vicinity.

(Shortform note: If you can’t separate from the jerk by leaving the office, you’ll likely need to speak with your supervisor about moving your working space. First, see if there are any empty desks available—that could be an easy fix. If not, ask your other coworkers if any of them are willing to switch seats with you. They might not have the same issues with the jerk you’re trying to avoid. When you find someone willing to switch or find an empty seat, make sure to get your supervisor’s final approval before moving. Find a time when they aren’t busy, and explain why you think you’d be able to work more effectively and get more done in the new spot.)

Approach #3: Lessen the Jerk’s Power Over Your Mental State

According to Sutton, sometimes distancing yourself isn’t possible—you may be forced to work closely with jerks for extended periods. When a lot of interaction with a jerk is inevitable, you can lessen the jerk’s power over your mental state by changing your mindset. In doing so, you can protect yourself from the negative effects of their behavior even if you’re frequently exposed.

The best way to do this is through the cognitive behavioral technique of reframing—taking a negative thought and reworking it into something more neutral or positive. Reframing is based on the psychological premise that your thoughts dictate how you feel and act. If you can change your thoughts about a situation—like a jerk’s rude behavior—then you can change how you respond.

Further Steps for Cognitive Reframing and Advice for People-Pleasers

There are two steps to reframing before you can change a thought: noticing an unhelpful thought and pausing to evaluate its value or truthfulness. Noticing unhelpful thoughts can be difficult, as they’re usually automatic. Look for patterns such as focusing only on the bad parts of a situation or always assuming the worst will happen. While evaluating a thought for its usefulness, ask yourself if there’s any evidence to support it. Is it the most helpful, productive way to think about the situation? Once you go through these steps, you can start to change the thought.

If you’re a people pleaser, you may struggle to protect your mental health more than the average person when forced to work with a jerk, and reframing might not be enough. Common signs of people-pleasing behavior include ignoring your feelings to avoid conflict when something upsets you and always saying yes when others ask for help (even if you don’t actually have time). These tendencies leave you more susceptible to burnout because you learn to ignore your needs and goals.

If this sounds like you, you must set boundaries at work in addition to reframing, or jerks will continue to take from you until you have nothing left to give. Every time someone asks you for something, pause and resist the immediate urge to say yes. Consider whether you truly need to accept the task. If not, say no to protect your higher priorities.

Strategy #1: Focus on What You Can Learn

Sutton offers several strategies for reframing jerk behavior so it mentally affects you less. First, try focusing on anything you might gain from your interactions with the jerk. Is there a bright side to the situation you can find? If you can find a positive element, it can help you look back at a situation and feel better about it or get through a long-term connection with a rude, disrespectful person.

For example, maybe your boss seems nice at first but turns out to be emotionally manipulative and narcissistic with poor personal boundaries. The bright side of that situation might be that your experience with this boss taught you the warning signs of narcissistic, abusive behavior. Therefore, you can more easily avoid working with similar people in the future.

(Shortform note: While searching for a bright side in bad situations can lessen your mental anguish about working with a jerk, be careful not to fall into toxic positivity. Toxic positivity happens when you only look at the positive side of every situation and ignore anything that prompts negative emotions. Though this may be nice in theory, when you ignore negative emotions, they become more intense because you haven’t processed them. This increases the likelihood that the emotions will come out in unhelpful ways, like lashing out at your loved ones—then you become the jerk. Instead of suppressing negative emotions, allow yourself to feel them without judgment.)

Strategy #2: Find a Way to Empathize

Alternatively, you might try finding a way to empathize with the jerk so you can eventually forgive them. Research shows that forgiveness benefits the person who was hurt because it allows them to move on from the situation. Forgiving thoughts can lessen the physiological stress response and alleviate sadness and anger. This doesn’t mean accepting or excusing the jerk’s behavior—it just means letting go of your resentment toward it, which only hurts you.

For example, say your fellow supervisor frequently yells at her employees, and this causes morale problems among the staff. Your higher-ups won’t do anything about it, so you have to continue working with her. Instead of developing a simmering resentment toward her, you try to empathize with the fact that she felt she had to become aggressive to work her way up through the company, even if she’s misguided. This allows you to forgive (though not excuse) her shortcomings and work with her productively.

(Shortform note: Some studies indicate that in addition to calming the body’s stress response, the physical health benefits of forgiveness include pain reduction, lower blood pressure, lower risk of heart attack, improved cholesterol levels, and better sleep. Empathizing with the person who wronged you isn’t the only way to achieve forgiveness and its benefits—some experts also suggest letting go of expectations when you decide to forgive. Your forgiveness may not change the other person or prompt them to apologize, so don’t expect them to. Then, you won’t be disappointed. To help you heal, forgiveness must be something you decide to offer freely.)

Approach #4: Go on the Offensive Against the Jerk

Finally, Sutton states that sometimes, the only way to deal with a jerk is to go on the offensive against them. This might mean confronting them directly or getting people with more power than you to address their behavior.

Whatever your method, tread carefully—if the jerk finds out that you’re moving against them, they might retaliate and cause more problems for you. Therefore, it’s important to pause, consider your options, and ask for input from others before making any decisions about your approach. There are three primary considerations to address before you decide how to go against the jerk:

Consideration #1: How much influence does the jerk have over you? The more control they have, the more careful you need to be. (Shortform note: When determining how much power a jerk has over you at your company, the first place to look is the official organizational chart. This will indicate every person’s job title and positional authority. If the jerk is higher on the organizational chart than you, they might be able to affect your position in the company. If you’re officially at the same level, consider whether the jerk has unofficial power over you. Are they close with your boss? Are they seen as a go-getter or rising star at the company? These dynamics may lead to problems for you as well.)

Consideration #2: Do you have concrete evidence to support your claims against the jerk? The more documentation you have of their bad behavior—such as emails, text messages, notes, videos, and so on—the more credible you’ll seem. This prevents the issue from devolving into your word against theirs.

(Shortform note: When documenting problems with workplace jerks, include the following: First, the location, date, and time of every incident. The more specific examples you can point to, the better, as this demonstrates a pattern over time. Second, if there were any witnesses, record their names and contact information (with their permission) so they can back up your story if necessary. Third, for each incident, record the actions and language of the jerk, the methods you used to respond, and how it affected your mental health.)

Consideration #3: Are there other people who can join in confronting the jerk? The more people you have supporting you, the more influence and credibility you have. (Shortform note: If you’re looking for people to support you against a jerk, consider going to people outside your immediate circle of friends. The wider your network of supporters is, the more credibility you have in demonstrating that the problems with the jerk are far-reaching.)

Further Advice for Deciding How to Confront a Jerk

Some experts suggest trying to solve issues you have with coworkers before going to your boss. If you go straight to your boss without addressing your coworker directly, it can escalate the conflict too quickly, making negative reactions and retaliation more likely. Additionally, your boss might wonder why you didn’t try to fix the problem yourself and perceive you as someone who doesn’t take initiative or someone with limited people skills. (That being said, in situations where you feel uncomfortable or unsafe at the prospect of confronting a jerk yourself, don’t hesitate to go straight to your boss or even HR.)

If the jerk isn’t amenable to your concerns when you confront them and you have no choice but to go to your boss, enter the conversation with the mindset that you want to improve things and find a solution, not make the jerk look bad. Approaching your boss with this attitude shows that you’re self-aware and mature, which only makes you look better.

Here are two of Sutton’s specific strategies for combating jerk behavior directly:

Strategy #1: Calmly Explain the Problem With Their Behavior

According to Sutton, in some instances, calmly pulling the person exhibiting jerk behavior aside and explaining how they’re negatively affecting everyone else can halt the worst of the problems. This strategy is best used for people who generally have good intentions and aren’t aware that their behavior is hurting others.

For example, say your coworker frequently makes others feel stupid by shooting them down when they ask questions or make suggestions. You’re friends, so you pull him aside to let him know that he’s offended many people with his attitude. He’s taken aback and embarrassed by unknowingly hurting others, and he promises to be more conscious of his tone and approach in the future.

How to Recognize and Address Low Self-Awareness in Others

People who act like jerks because they lack self-awareness are fairly common—according to some research, about 95% of people think they’re self-aware, but only 10-15% truly are. Therefore, it’s likely that you’ve worked at some point with someone who has this trait. Common manifestations of low self-awareness include accidentally discouraging others, thinking you always have the best ideas, being unable to change your communication style to fit your audience, and being unwilling to own up to mistakes.

In addition to being kind and calm when you pull unaware jerks aside, try to give them specific examples and alternatives they can move forward with. For example, say the problem is that the unaware person frequently ignores other people’s ideas. You could explain to them that listening to different suggestions can help the whole team by encouraging creative problem-solving and group morale.

Strategy #2: Harness the Power of Humor and Sarcasm

For jerks who won’t respond well to a calm, direct approach, Sutton suggests using humor and sarcasm to more subtly put them in their place. Using humor allows you to hit back at their behavior with your own insults while still being socially acceptable. It takes away some of their power when people can laugh at them and shows that you’ll push back against them. However, be careful with this tactic, as it can start a dangerous cycle of mudslinging between you and the jerk. They might want to get you back if you humiliate them.

For example, say you’re assigned to work with a notorious bully on a project, and she immediately starts changing your work without your permission. You might confront her by saying, in front of your manager and the rest of the team, “Hey, I noticed you’ve been very interested in my work lately—changing it and deleting it. I appreciate your enthusiasm, and I’m sorry to disappoint you, but your attempts are futile. You see, I have a secret weapon that protects my work from your changes: It’s called version history.” This approach maintains levity while undermining her and exposing her bad behavior to everyone else.

(Shortform note: Some experts argue that negative humor has no place in the workplace, regardless of the motivation. It can break down the target’s self-esteem, harm performance, and discourage idea-sharing. Additionally, it may perpetuate an “us vs. them” mentality where someone is always in the outgroup. Finally, if others perceive jokes as inappropriate (regardless of how justified they are), it can hurt your reputation at work and get you branded as a jerk.)