PDF Summary:The Art of Gathering, by Priya Parker

Have you ever attended a conference and couldn’t wait for it to end? Have you ever gone to a wedding and felt there was something missing?

Experiences like these inspired Priya Parker, an expert on gatherings, to write The Art of Gathering. Parker contends that pre-planned gatherings of all types—both business and personal—could be more meaningful experiences than they usually are. She presents a step-by-step guide to transforming your gathering into a meaningful event that people will talk about for years.

In this guide, we’ll discuss what to do before a gathering to set the stage for a potentially transformative experience. Then, we’ll talk about how to begin the gathering and dispel misconceptions—like the idea that hosts should relax—that result in boring or unpleasant gatherings. Finally, we’ll share how to end the gathering in a more meaningful way. We’ll also discuss what other experts say about gathering well and share ways to apply Parker’s tips to virtual or hybrid gatherings.

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After you’ve completed all the pre-gathering steps, the day of your gathering will come and your guests will start to arrive. But, Parker argues, if you don’t handle these moments right, all that pre-gathering work will have been wasted. For the best possible gathering, Parker suggests that you pay attention to two key moments: the arrival and the opening.

Manage Your Guests’ Arrival

Parker suggests that you manage your guests’ arrival by introducing a clear physical or metaphorical transition into your gathering. When your guests arrive, they will be mentally wrapped up in whatever else is going on in their lives—like the fight they just had with their sister. By providing them with an appropriate transition, you encourage them to forget about everything else and refocus their attention on your gathering so they can be fully engaged.

(Shortform note: If you (as a guest) are preoccupied with an unrelated event before entering a gathering, it’s arguably your responsibility (not the host’s) to manage your worries so that they don’t distract you from participating fully in the gathering. Try meditating or journaling before the gathering so that you can clear your mind slightly and enter the gathering as a blank slate.)

The simplest and most literal transition, Parker points out, is a doorway. What you do at the door can help shape your guest’s experience; for example, greeting your guests at the door as if you’re at a wedding will help set a more personal tone for your event. You can go one step further and decorate a hallway in keeping with your event—just as Disneyland designs the hallway into their rides with thematically related items. Alternatively, create a psychological transition. Parker describes how one comedian, prior to starting his set at a charity event, captured the attention of his audience by asking the loudest member of several conversational groups to introduce themselves and then asking everybody to clap.

How to Create Meaningful Transitions

In The Power of Moments, Dan and Chip Heath agree that transitions have the potential to become memorable and meaningful when you engineer a clear moment that carries you from one stage to the next. To engineer meaning, they recommend that you deliberately incorporate one of the following four elements: elevation (above everyday experience), insight (an opportunity to discover something new), pride (a sense of validation), or connection. You can creatively incorporate these both into physical and psychological transitions. For example, the comedian Parker describes created a sense of pride for those being applauded and a sense of connection between them and the rest of the audience. And greeting your guests at the door provides a sense of connection.

Open Right

After properly transitioning into your gathering, turn your attention to the opening. Parker explains that you must open in a way that sets the tone for the gathering.

Parker argues that opening right matters: Studies suggest that most people tend to remember beginnings—so how you open will linger most in people’s memory. However, most hosts at gatherings open with organizational matters, such as by thanking sponsors. At best, opening with organizational matters misses an opportunity to harness the pre-gathering momentum you’ve created into a powerful moment. At worst, it may undermine the reason for gathering. For example, if you frame a conference as game-changing and disruptive but start with a boring list of rules, you send the message that you’re following old rules.

Why Beginnings Matter

In When, Daniel Pink elaborates on the power of beginnings. He explains that people feel more optimistic and capable at the start of something, partly due to a psychological phenomenon known as the “fresh start effect”: Beginnings give people the opportunity to mentally distance themselves from their past mistakes and envision a different (improved) version of themselves.

This may explain why a powerful opening is so beneficial—and why a boring opening is so damaging. A powerful opening doesn’t just linger in your guests’ memory; it also provides a clear psychological distinction between the person they were pre-gathering and the person they’ll be post-gathering. But a gathering that opens with logistics doesn’t provide that clear distinction—so the experience won’t ever impact your guests as powerfully as it otherwise might have.

To open right, Parker recommends that you first make your guests feel accepted and grateful to be at the gathering. This will make them feel like they’re part of something special. Parker describes how one professor memorized every student’s name and then greeted each by name on the first day of a 70-person class: This made the students feel special and demonstrated the professor’s impressive ability.

(Shortform note: In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie explains why remembering your guest’s name makes them feel accepted and grateful. A person’s name is their favorite word so saying it is a subtle and welcome compliment. However, in How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Carnegie warns against expecting gratitude from your guests for your opening—no matter how well-thought-out. Ingratitude is human nature, so expecting gratitude from others will only lead to resentment on your part. Instead of risking being disappointed that your guests don’t feel grateful, consider focusing on the joy of giving them an impressive opening—without expecting anything in return.)

Second, Parker suggests that you create a collective among your guests. As a host, it is your job to make the guests feel like they are part of a group. One simple way to do this is to get your guests to acknowledge each other’s presence and learn something about each other. For example, you might ask your conference attendees to introduce themselves to each other at the table.

(Shortform note: In her guide to virtual gatherings, Parker suggests that providing breakout rooms in which your guests can chat will help them feel like more of a collective. Having unstructured time in which they can briefly get to know each other will help them connect in a way that’s often difficult to do online.)

How to Behave During the Gathering

Just as important as how you behave before your gathering is how you behave during the gathering. In this section, we’ll dispel the three misconceptions that Parker believes harm your gathering—and share her recommendations on how to behave instead.

Misconception #1: The Host Should Relax

The first harmful misconception, according to Parker, is the idea that the host should relax, or “chill.” Hosts who think they should relax leave guests to their own devices—such as by letting guests roam around the venue unrestricted. These hosts see their refusal to direct the gathering as an act of kindness that will result in a laid-back, undirected affair. But in reality, if a host doesn’t direct his own affair, someone else will—usually in a manner that ruins the gathering for everybody else.

Instead, Parker recommends that you shift your mindset and deliberately direct the gathering. In other words, you must use your power as a host to make your guests do things they might not choose themselves. If this seems too stuffy, remind yourself that deliberate direction is kinder than relaxing—as long as it’s motivated by a desire to provide your guests with a maximally fulfilling experience. If you’re motivated by anything else (like a desire to seem more important), you’ll detract from, rather than enhance, your guests’ experience.

Why Women Don’t Want to Deliberately Direct

Female hosts may be particularly reluctant to deliberately direct their gathering due to cultural expectations that women need to be low-maintenance to be attractive. This is personified by the “cool girl” trope often perpetuated in movies. The “cool girl” is always effortlessly beautiful and carefree, and she makes few demands on those around her. And she’s often contrasted with a more high-maintenance woman who does make demands on the people around her and is presented as inherently less desirable.

But just as deliberately directing your gathering can be kinder to your guests, doing so can be kinder to yourself. If you clearly tell your guests what you want them to do, they’ll likely do it—and you’ll grow happier because the gathering is going well in the way that you prefer.

Parker explains that deliberately directing your gathering involves doing three things. First, defend your guests against actions that harm the good of the gathering—even if doing so is unpleasant. For example, one movie theater expels guests who use their cell phones during the show. This policy upsets the expelled guests but enhances the other guests’ moviegoing experience.

(Shortform note: As a guest, you can prevent yourself from harming the good of the gathering by not attending if you don’t agree with the event’s purpose. For example, if you love texting during movies, you could avoid the movie theater Parker mentions. In a separate blog post, Parker recommends that if you’re invited to a gathering, ask yourself whether and why you want to attend. If you’re unable to come up with a compelling reason, don’t feel obligated to go.)

Second, level the playing field: Identify and temporarily destroy any relevant inequalities. This allows guests to relate to each other as equals, rather than deferring to each other out of societal norms. For example, if you’re hosting a party among people of vastly different career levels, select a restaurant that everybody can afford.

(Shortform note: In some cases, leveling the playing field may mean letting go as a host. For example, The Dinner Party gathers people in their 20s-40s at dinner parties specifically to discuss grief. Previously, the organizers deliberately created tables of equals by matching each participant to a table that met their specific needs—such as one composed of guests who’d experienced suicide loss. But in 2021, the organizers let go and started letting participants choose their own tables. In this way, the participants were able to find tables in which they felt most comfortable (and equal)—which wasn’t necessarily what the organizers thought would make them feel most equal. In this way, letting go improved the guests’ experiences.)

Third, facilitate links between your guests and do things to help them get to know each other despite any discomfort they (or you) might feel. For example, Parker once asked people to switch tables regularly during a conference; despite the guests’ original reluctance, they were ultimately grateful for the number of connections they made.

(Shortform note: How can you connect better with a fellow guest once your host introduces you? Try repeating their name. In The Fine Art of Small Talk, Debra Fine argues that everyone has the right to be called by their name. Moreover, repeating someone’s name increases the chances that you’ll remember it—which is particularly important if you switch tables regularly and meet many people. Additionally, Fine recommends asking open-ended questions that demand more than a one-word answer. You’ll encourage the other person to talk more about themselves—and the more they give you, the more you’ll have to talk about.)

Misconception #2: Be Positive

The second harmful misconception, according to Parker, is the idea that everybody should be positive. When we gather—whether at a party or conference—most of us put on a show: We present ourselves as strong and confident, and we hide our vulnerabilities. Parker argues that this is a missed opportunity to connect with others. If your guests tell stories that reveal their vulnerability, other guests will feel more empathetic toward them. As a result, they’ll all feel more authentically connected to each other. At the very least, this authentic connection will make for a more memorable gathering; at its best, a deeper connection can allow for greater cooperation.

(Shortform note: In The Power of Vulnerability, Brené Brown elaborates on why vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness and why being vulnerable increases the probability of authentic connection. Brown explains that although vulnerability requires sharing shame and emotion, it’s a sign of strength: It requires bravery to share something intimate with someone when you don’t know how they’ll perceive you. Brown adds that vulnerability enhances your connection with others because it builds trust: It’s nearly impossible to trust someone if you don’t know their motives, personality, or feelings—so to develop trust (and an authentic connection) with someone, you must be willing to be vulnerable.)

Parker shares several techniques for encouraging your guests to open up and be vulnerable when the gathering calls for vulnerability. Pre-gathering, consider inviting people who don’t know each other. People often feel more comfortable sharing intimate details with people in whom they’re not invested, as they don’t feel pressured to maintain a particular image.

(Shortform note: People may feel more comfortable divulging intimate details to strangers if you present it as an experiment, as psychologist Arthur Aron famously did. He asked strangers to ask each other 36 questions that demanded gradually increasing levels of vulnerability. Two of his subjects married each other, and several other couples who’ve asked each other those questions have also fallen in love.)

Parker recommends that you set the stage during the gathering. Begin the gathering by clearly explaining to your guests why you’re asking them to be vulnerable. Then, ask for stories. Specify that you want to hear not about their accomplishments but about something more authentic, such as life-defining experiences. If your guests know each other, request stories that nobody else in the room knows. Once people start sharing, share your story early, and make sure it’s slightly more intimate than those you want your guests to share. Your guests will cue off your example and share stories that are slightly less intimate than yours.

How to Encourage Vulnerability at Work

In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown presents an alternate method for encouraging vulnerability when leading a business gathering. Set the stage by acknowledging the uncertainty or risk of the situation. Speak openly about your emotions, but don’t overshare personal information in an effort to draw sympathy—this is manipulative and may backfire rather than provide the outcome you want. Then, instead of asking for stories, provide a space for your team members to discuss the situation. This space for discussion is essential: If you ask for your team’s input without letting them discuss the situation—such as by shooting down ideas you don’t agree with—they won’t trust you and so won’t express their concerns for fear of being criticized.

Finally, don’t pressure your guests too much. As a host, you should encourage (but not demand) your guests to share; at one gathering, Parker created a rule that whoever shared last had to sing. However, some people won’t feel comfortable being extremely vulnerable in a group no matter what you do—and that’s OK. So choose a theme that invites interpretation; this will allow such people to be vulnerable within boundaries they’re comfortable with.

How to Better Engage With Vulnerability

No matter how open to interpretation the theme is, you (as a guest) may still be uncomfortable engaging with vulnerability. If so, Daring Greatly author Brené Brown suggests that you notice the defense mechanism you use to avoid vulnerability, and see if you can work through it.

Brown recommends three possible solutions. If you notice that you experience happiness during the gathering but then immediately feel fear, express gratitude for that happiness—doing so will remind you that there is enough happiness to go around and you don’t need to be scared of losing it. If you think your story needs to be perfect before you share it, permit yourself to have it be bad. And if you try to avoid sharing—such as by deliberately deciding to go last, despite your fear of potential punishment (like the singing at Parker’s gathering)—practice mindfulness and strive to be present so that you can engage with both your own and your guests’ vulnerability.

Misconception #3: Be Peaceful

The third harmful misconception, according to Parker, is the idea that all gatherings must be peaceful. Parker argues that in the modern world, most of us act as if we should avoid heated disagreements. Even universities—ostensibly institutions designed to encourage argument—shy away from anything too controversial, such as by rescinding invitations to speakers who draw student protests.

However, Parker warns that prioritizing peace above all else can sometimes backfire and undermine your reason for gathering. Certain gatherings require that long-simmering tensions be brought out into the open and worked through—whether that’s because the gathering is about a controversial topic or because the group’s work outside the gathering is being hampered by these tensions. For example, you might hold a debate about gun control, or you might have educators who need to create a curriculum but are debating what kind of ideas they want to teach their students. If you avoid this requirement, you won’t effectively discuss or work through any of these issues—and they’ll continue to sow disharmony.

How Peace Harms Universities

Several university students and professors agree with Parker that prioritizing peace undermines their reason for gathering at the university. Universities are designed to encourage the free exchange of ideas. However, in classes about controversial topics, students sometimes refuse to share their opinions because they fear that doing so will result in a lower grade. Outside the classroom, students and professors self-censor due to fear of backlash on social media and in real life: One professor who expressed an unpopular viewpoint had his office door vandalized.

While some argue that students and professors could simply get over these fears and share anyway, some argue that universities should implement policies that encourage greater sharing—such as by refusing to cancel controversial speakers. These recommendations support Parker’s contention that sometimes, prioritizing peace isn’t the way to go.

If you’re intrigued by the idea of encouraging disagreement at your gathering, you’ll first need to decide whether doing so will be helpful. Pre-gathering, identify potential areas of disagreement by asking probing questions of the participants (including yourself). As a group, what are you afraid to talk about? What do people get defensive about, and why? Then, weigh the potential pros and cons of addressing these issues—and only proceed if you feel that the potential pros outweigh the cons.

(Shortform note: When deciding whether to encourage disagreement, you may wish to consider the age of the people at your gathering. In The Coddling of the American Mind, Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt argue that college-age students are particularly avoidant of disagreement: They grew up in environments (like schools) that sheltered them from opinions they didn’t agree with, so they’re uncomfortable with adversity to the point that they sometimes conflate emotional discomfort with trauma. So even if both a younger and an older person are defensive or afraid to talk about the same issue, the younger person may be more likely to deem the conversation traumatic—amplifying the potential cons of disagreement.)

If you choose to proceed, create a safe space: Try to make participants as comfortable as possible dealing with an uncomfortable topic. Parker suggests that you ask the participants to create guidelines for the discussion by asking them, “How can we help you feel comfortable taking a chance during our discussion today?” Jointly creating guidelines in this manner has three benefits. First, it signals to participants that you’d like them to put themselves out there during the discussion. Second, it prompts the participants to ban undesirable behaviors they’ve resorted to in the past. Third, it encourages compliance—participants are more likely to follow guidelines that they had a hand in creating.

Promote Listening in a Safe Space

When helping participants create discussion guidelines, encourage ones that promote listening. The authors of Difficult Conversations explain that listening is a vital skill for working through tough talks: If someone doesn’t feel heard, they’ll stop listening—so making sure that they do feel heard will encourage them to continue participating in the conversation. Consider encouraging participants to listen better by suggesting that they paraphrase each other’s responses. This helps confirm that they’ve heard each other and decreases the potential for misunderstanding.

Since the Difficult Conversations authors prioritize making people feel as safe as possible, they would likely warn against demanding that your participants paraphrase. Making demands could decrease their willingness to be vulnerable (because you’re not open to their ideas), lead to less compliance with the rule (because they didn’t create it), and even encourage participants to ignore each other (because you’re setting an example that bad behavior is OK).

How to Close the Gathering

Eventually, your gathering will have to end—and treating this ending with the respect it deserves will cement the experience in your guests’ minds. In this section, we’ll first explain why deliberately closing your gathering matters. Then, we’ll share Parker’s advice on closing the gathering in a way that honors the rest of your work.

Parker explains that deliberately closing your gathering is essential because it provides your guests with a transition. As Parker notes, endings are inherently sad, so many people deliberately avoid officially closing their gathering. For example, the party host lets the guests trickle out rather than signaling that they should go home.

(Shortform note: Cultural differences in how hosts close their gatherings may convince a guest that a host hasn’t deliberately closed their gathering when in fact they have. For example, in the Midwestern United States, a “welp” from the host signals that the gathering is now over—but someone not familiar with Midwestern English wouldn’t interpret that as an official close.)

However, Parker argues that not deliberately closing your gathering does your guests a disservice. If you’ve hosted well, you’ve created a transformative experience—and, just as you helped your guests transition from their regular lives to the experience of your gathering at its beginning, it’s also your duty to help them accept the end of this experience and transition back into their normal lives.

(Shortform note: No matter how well you close your gathering, your guests may still struggle to transition back to their normal lives. For example, the K-pop band BTS has an elaborate and deliberate close to their concerts that takes up nearly a third of the concert. But BTS fans still often experience sadness and separation anxiety post-concert, despite being eased back into their normal lives.)

So how do you help them transition? The first step, according to Parker, is to signal the end to your guests. Figure out a way to let them know that things are drawing to a close and so they should behave accordingly. If you’re not sure when to signal this (like if you’re hosting a party with no set endpoint), do it when you feel that the gathering has fulfilled its reason but is still somewhat lively; if you wait too long, your gathering will lose momentum and end on a less memorable note.

(Shortform note: Even if your gathering hasn’t yet fulfilled its reason, you may be forced to signal the end to your guests due to external circumstances—such as the closing of your gathering venue. If so, you may wish to continue the gathering in a separate place. For best results, consider whether you should have some type of afterparty before the end draws near—keeping in mind both the venue and the guest list. For example, if you’re having a wedding, you should consider planning for an afterparty if your guests are on the younger side and likely to want to keep the party going after your reception venue closes.)

Second, handle organizational matters—such as by telling guests where to return their ID badges. Just as you don’t want to open with organizational matters, you also don’t want to end your guests’ experience with them. If you need to thank someone, do this now.

Third, bring the community together. Do something that allows your guests to remember both what they did at the gathering and how they connected with each other. For example, BTS’s members give short speeches near the end of each concert discussing their experience of that night.

(Shortform note: Other experts give some practical tips for handling organizational matters and bringing the community together in a workplace meeting—although they don’t specify the order in which you should do them. At the end of your meeting, clarify who is going to take what action steps. If someone’s contribution was particularly important during the meeting, acknowledge their efforts. Finally, review what you’ve learned in the meeting: This reinforces both the importance of meetings and your company culture of professional development.)

Fourth, prepare your guests for the final transition. This act should allow guests to understand how to relate to other guests they see outside of the gathering and how this gathering will inform their actions in their daily lives. The right party favor can communicate this idea; for example, a bumper sticker reading “hope” might remind people daily to hope more in their lives.

(Shortform note: Many large conferences provide gifts to their attendees not to continue the message of the gathering but for other reasons; they may wish to provide branded swag to increase brand awareness or to advertise to new customers. In that case, a well-thought-out (branded) party favor—like a high-end water bottle—will likely have a bigger impact than cheaper swag (like a plastic pen). Alternatively, consider donating on behalf of your conference participants. One company found that when people were asked to choose between swag and a donation to a cause of their choosing, 40-60% of people chose the latter option.)

Finally, give them a physical or metaphorical exit to signal the final moments of the gathering. Whether you lead them outside a doorway or tell them it’s the end, the very last moment of your gathering matters. It should communicate to your guests that the gathering has come to a conclusion, let you celebrate what happened, and allow them to return to the outside world.

(Shortform note: Although Parker assumes that the gathering ends when people leave, other experts suggest that you should follow through after the official conclusion of the gathering by sending a thank-you email. Doing so keeps you in your recipients’ thoughts, improves your reputation, and potentially can build excitement for your next event.)