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1-Page PDF Summary of The 5 Love Languages

Maintaining emotional love and connection in a relationship can be hard. Often, the problem is in the way you communicate love to your partner, and vice versa. Have you ever offered a gesture of affection, only to not have it appreciated? Does your partner ever say they don’t feel loved enough? In The 5 Love Languages, author, radio talk show host, and pastor Gary Chapman argues that these conflicts happen because partners aren’t speaking the same love language. If you learn to communicate with your partner in their love language, you can build a resilient and loving relationship that will last a lifetime.

In this guide, we’ll explore how love changes over time. Then we’ll explain what the five love languages are and how to identify your love language, as well as that of your partner. In our commentary, we’ll add scientific evidence that supports Chapman’s ideas, research that examines the validity of the love languages theory, and ideas from other experts to supplement Chapman’s advice.

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(Shortform note: It may be difficult to determine what type of time together is “quality time,” especially when couples spend time together fulfilling obligations. To make sure your time together is “quality time,” consider what type of activity you’re engaging in: Activities you do to reach a specific goal, such as housework, attending a parent-teacher meeting, or shopping for a family car, are extrinsically valuable activities. In contrast, activities that we engage in for their own sake are intrinsically valuable activities. If your partner’s love language is quality time, find ways to spend time with them where being with them is the goal rather than trying to use that time to get something done.)

3. Receiving Gifts

Chapman explains that someone whose love language is receiving gifts perceives giving a gift as a symbol of love. A gift equates to thought, and to a person with this love language, that thought is felt as love. For example, a small present brought back from a business trip makes your partner feel special because you were thinking of them.

Additionally, for a person with this love language, the type of gift is less important than the effort to procure it and the desire to give it. A diamond bracelet will elicit the same response as a crocheted scarf. The feeling it evokes will still be one of being loved enough to receive something from you.

(Shortform note: In contrast to Chapman’s advice, some experts argue that the gift itself does matter, especially in close relationships. If you don’t know someone well, any gift will likely convey the sentiment you’re trying to show. However, if you’re giving a gift to your partner, it’s important to try to get them something they’ll genuinely enjoy. This does more than show you were thinking about them in the moment—it also shows you’ve been paying attention to what they like and what they need, which makes the gift that much more meaningful.)

Sometimes, your mere presence is the gift your partner needs, says Chapman. If they’re in crisis, you being there as a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, or a comforting presence is enough to represent your love for them. Prioritizing a request for your presence over your work or any previous plans you may have made shows them how much their feelings matter to you.

(Shortform note: Giving someone the gift of your presence may be hard to distinguish from quality time—however, according to some experts, the difference is that gifting someone your presence is simply about physically being there for them, whereas quality time is defined by the activities you engage in while you’re together. It’s good to note that crises aren’t the only times you can show love through the gift of your presence. It can also help to attend performances or events your partner’s involved in and to show up on time for dates. Celebrating an event with your partner is a way to give them the gift of your presence—as well as the presence of others if you choose to invite guests.)

4. Acts of Service

Acts of service are things done to make life easier for your partner. Chapman explains that whether you remove a burden from their life, help out, or provide space for them to do something else, these acts of service will tell a partner with this language that you respect them and their time.

(Shortform note: Experts suggest that one of the benefits of acts of service is that not only do they convey loving emotions—they also target a practical need. This can increase feelings of stability in a relationship, leading to long-term resilience. Experts also note that acts of service should be reciprocal—both partners should do what they can to support the relationship. So, even if one person prefers to show their love through acts of service, that doesn’t mean they should be solely responsible for all the work of maintaining the relationship.)

Chapman says that not all acts of service are created equal. Understanding which acts will serve your partner best means understanding their life enough to know how to help, as well as understanding their expectations enough to know what they want done for them. For someone whose love language is acts of service, the following types of behaviors can make them feel loved:

  • Pitch in to help accomplish things you know they want done.
  • Take over a task you know they dislike.
  • Take work off their plate so they can have time to themselves.

(Shortform note: Performing acts of service may be more difficult in certain situations, especially in long-distance relationships. You may not be able to help them with tasks directly, but if you take the time to understand your partner as Chapman advises, you can find ways to perform acts of service for them. Some things you can do for a long-distance partner include helping them keep up with reminders, giving them a call at a certain time to wake them up in the morning, sending them food or groceries through delivery services, putting together a playlist of songs they like, or sending gift cards for things they can treat themselves to.)

5. Physical Touch

According to Chapman, someone whose love language is physical touch feels love most through physical contact. Touches can be large or small, intimate or casual. The most important thing to learn about a partner who speaks this language is their specific preference for touch. There are endless ways of expressing love through touch—the way to find what works is to listen to what your partner likes.

(Shortform note: Physical touch can be especially important during times of stress. One study examined physical touch between couples when one partner was discussing a stressor in their life: It found that the partner sharing their stressor felt more capable of overcoming their obstacle and less stressed when their partner provided them with more touch. The study also found that both partners (the person discussing their stressor and the person listening) felt more positively toward the other when they engaged in more touch. So, not only can providing physical touch express love and support for your partner, it can make you feel better as well.)

However, says Chapman, you must pay attention to what your partner doesn’t like and avoid that type of touch. Touching someone in a way they don’t like is a violation, and it can constitute abuse. This action doesn’t communicate love—on the contrary, it communicates that you don’t care about the other person.

(Shortform note: Sometimes people may put up with touch they don’t like—for example, by having sex just because they feel like they should or to make their partner feel good. Partners may notice that when their significant other touches them, they seem indifferent or detached as they go about it. To make sure both partners enjoy physical touch—including sex—make sure you foster a sense of affection with your partner outside of sexual contexts so that every instance of physical contact feels sincere and enjoyable for both people.)

How to Identify Your Love Language

Determining your love language isn’t always easy. Chapman provides a few clues that might help you understand your language better.

Think about what you desire most from your partner or the ways in which you feel most loved. Often, what you tend to want the most reflects the way you believe love is best expressed.

  • Are you always vying for compliments? Do you like to hug or hold hands more than anything else? Do you wish your partner would help out more around the house? Do you long for a date night?

Think about what makes you feel hurt or unloved. The ways in which you feel dejected or rejected can speak to the ways in which you want to be loved.

  • Do you feel crushed if your partner insults you? Do you resent the amount of time your partner spends at work? Does it bother you when your partner leaves without kissing you goodbye? Does receiving a generic gift leave you feeling empty?

Think about how you show love to your partner. The ways in which you make an effort to show love also speaks to how you feel love is best communicated.

  • Do you often do little things to make your partner’s day better? Do you find ways to touch your partner to show you care? Do you frequently tell your partner how wonderful they are? Do you like to surprise your partner with small tokens of love?

Identifying Your Partner’s Love Language

While discovering your own language can be tricky, figuring out which language your partner speaks can be even harder. Thinking about how your partner shows love can help you understand their language, says Chapman. What do they ask for the most? What do they frequently complain about? What do they do most often to show you love?

To identify your partner’s love language, consider speaking in one language for a whole week, then a different language the next week, and so on for five weeks to see how your partner reacts. The bigger the reaction one particular week, the more likely they speak that language.

Assessing Love Languages

In addition to answering the questions Chapman asks, you can also use the online quiz on the 5 Love Languages website to help you identify your love language. However, experts note some flaws in the test—it relies on a zero-sum assessment of all five languages, meaning you can’t rank them in order of importance. This means you can’t use the test to measure your affinity for each individual love language, but can instead only identify your “most preferred.” This becomes especially problematic in light of additional research that suggests that people can generally communicate and receive love through all five languages, and that preference may depend more on context than on inherent personality traits.

You may find it more beneficial, then, to use the questions outlined in Chapman’s book, but to add context markers to your answers. For example, when thinking about what makes you feel most loved, consider when those actions are most effective: Maybe you prefer hugs when you’re stressed, but you prefer words of affirmation when you need motivation. In assessing what makes you feel unloved, maybe it only bothers you for your partner to leave without kissing you goodbye when you have a lot of work to do, and perhaps generic gifts only bother you on holidays and birthdays. In assessing how you show love to your partner, maybe you feel more inclined to perform acts of service when you have free time on the weekends.

Additionally, as you assess your partner’s love language, consider how love languages might look different for people depending on their neurological makeup. Neurodivergent people may express and receive love differently from how neurotypical people do. For example, quality time for someone with ADHD might involve parallel play, where both partners engage in their own activities near each other but without needing to directly interact. They may also enjoy deep pressure in physical touch rather than gentle caresses. Understanding how your partner’s brain works can help you understand how to love them even better.

Speaking a Language That Isn’t Your Own

Chapman never suggests that the process of showing love to someone else in their own language will be easy. Deciding to learn and act accordingly with your partner’s love language takes deliberate effort. If their language differs from yours, the effort required in that choice may be great. For instance, you may feel uncomfortable giving compliments, you might resent having to find them gifts, or you may feel too busy to make time for your partner.

Nevertheless, if your goal is to make your partner feel secure, confident, and loved, speaking the right language will make that happen. Remember: There’s no one way to express love, but if both people in a relationship make the effort, love can be affirmed and rekindled at any stage. And once you’ve learned how to do so, the chances of it lasting and staying positive are great.

Love in Times of Conflict

Couples therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt agree with Chapman’s points that reconnecting with your partner can be hard work and that it doesn’t matter what stage of the relationship you’re in. However, in Getting the Love You Want, they specifically point to a relationship stage that Chapman largely glosses over: the Conflict. This stage begins when your initial attraction wears off and traits you once found attractive in your partner now become abrasive. Communicating love during this time is especially challenging, because in the earlier “falling in love” stage, you and your partner may have thought love would come without effort, and deep inside, you both feel angry when you realize it won’t.

While Chapman’s steps to learning each other’s love languages are certainly part of the solution, Hendrix and Hunt emphasize that true reconnection requires going deeper. Each partner must help create an environment in which they both feel emotionally safe. Once this safety has been established, it frees you both to become open about your unmet needs. Part of this step requires individual work (such as learning your own love language). The next is to listen to your partner with curiosity and compassion, so you can both gradually change to become the person your partner needs you to be.

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PDF Summary Chapter 1: When the Honeymoon Is Over

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The same is true for love. If we speak one love language and our partner speaks another, the same barriers will exist. We will never understand how to love one another properly.

If we want to be able to love another person successfully, we need to learn which love language they speak.

A desire to love our partners is not enough. We must actively attempt to determine which love language our partner speaks to build and maintain love in our relationships.

There are five love languages, or five ways that people feel and accept emotional love.

  • Words of Affirmation: compliments or kind words about a person and their actions.
  • Quality Time: dedicated moments of time spent with a loved one.
  • Receiving Gifts: tangible symbols of love as either gifts or physical presence.
  • Acts of Service: things done for someone to unburden their life.
  • Physical Touch: physical connection through intimacy or small affectionate touches.

When these actions or behaviors are performed for someone speaking the corresponding language, the result is a feeling of being truly loved.

**Within those five languages, the expression of love is limitless....

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PDF Summary Chapter 2: Everyone Has a Love Tank

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But What Is Love?

The word “love” has become a catchall for expressing our likes or appreciation of something. For example, we may love it when it rains, but we also love pizza and our pets.

We love our partners, but we also may love a good joke or our favorite band. These general uses create a washed-out significance for the word, which can distance us from understanding what it really means.

When we talk about love in a romantic relationship, we mean love that addresses our emotional selves. These emotional selves are constructed by our early experiences of receiving love or the opposite.

For instance, a child that receives love, companionship, and support from their parents will have a more stable idea of self and love. A child that does not receive adequate love will likely have a confused and desperate need for love and become emotionally unstable.

To ensure full love tanks in our relationships, we must acknowledge that we each bring different experiences and expectations into a relationship. Once we understand our foundations of love, we can start addressing how to fill each other’s love tanks.

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PDF Summary Chapter 3: The Joys of Beginning a Relationship

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The feeling of being in love usually only lasts up to two years. Outside of the falling-in-love bubble live responsibilities and basic human behaviors. If we can understand why love changes when the first blush of bliss fades, we can maintain a loving relationship.

The intrusion of base realities can quickly drain our energy and admiration of a loved one.

  • Our partner may leave nose clippings in the sink or dirty socks on the floor.
  • The need to support ourselves with jobs puts our focus on money, bills, mortgages, and savings, which are not sexy or romantic.
  • Children require attention and resources, which can create competition and tension among couples.

Back in reality, these factors add up, changing our view from “anything is possible” to “how can we make this work.” And the love tank continues to deplete. From this diminished place, love has been lost or forgotten. Resentments grow when we feel the love we fell in love with fall by the wayside. A lack of love—or an emotion or action expressing the opposite of love—can feel like a dagger to our hearts.

The issue isn’t that the love we share isn’t real or strong enough. **The issue is that we...

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PDF Summary Chapter 4: Love Language: Words of Affirmation

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Instead, if you compliment your partner only as a way to get them to comply to something, you are putting your own needs before theirs. For instance, if you compliment your partner’s cleaning skills knowing it will make them clean more—so you don’t have to—the act is disingenuous. Your partner may realize your lack of sincerity, and their love tank may begin to drain.

When giving a partner with this love language a compliment, be sure it is genuine and done simply to make them feel loved.

The Dialect of Encouragement

When you provide encouragement to someone whose love language is Words of Affirmation, you are bolstering their spirit. You are telling them you believe in them. Your belief helps them feel strong and motivated.

Encouragement is the act of inspiring courage. All humans have moments where courage is required. Sometimes, you are not able to find the courage you need. In those moments, you miss out on something you want or that brings goodness into your life. A lack of courage can lead to a lack of prosperity.

When your partner lacks courage, they aren’t able to achieve their full potential. These feelings of lost potential put a strain on their...

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PDF Summary Chapter 5: Love Language: Quality Time

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Quality time doesn’t have to mean long hours or outlandish outings. Simply giving your partner moments of distraction-free attention is enough to make them feel loved. Examples include:

  • Taking a walk without checking your phone.
  • Simply sitting in the living room together with the TV off and devices put away.

Many couples believe they spend time together, but in reality, they simply happen to be existing separately in close proximity.

  • If you’re talking while flipping through a magazine, your attention is divided.
  • If you’re raking leaves while your partner watches, you may think you are spending time together. But for the person the Quality Time love language, your attention is still focused elsewhere, so this time doesn’t count.

Understanding exactly what type of quality time is important to your partner will help you understand how to fill their tank. Like Words of Affirmation, there are varying degrees of quality time.

The Dialect of Communication

Quality communication means engaging in conversation about things that matter. When you share the events of your day, your thoughts, your fears, your hopes for the future, you are **emotionally...

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PDF Summary Chapter 6: Love Language: Receiving Gifts

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Everyone has given gifts to their loved ones. Birthdays, Christmas, Hanukkah, Valentine’s Day, and other holidays all carry traditions of giving gifts. For these occasions, you likely had to put some intentional thought into what to get your partner.

Past gifts can help you understand how to fill your partner’s love tank.

  • Think about gifts your partner was really excited about, whether from you or others.
  • If you aren’t sure which gifts your partner likes, ask family and friends what they remember. Or, ask them what they think your partner will like.

Beyond these occasions, giving gifts at random can fill your partner’s tank even more. People expect to receive gifts on certain days of the year. At these times, the quality of the gift may be the focus. In contrast, gifts given without a particular reason are acknowledged more for the symbolism.

A found or handmade gift given for no reason shows your partner you care and think about them often.

  • For example, planting your partner’s favorite flower or vegetable in your yard is a gift they can cherish many times over.
  • If your partner loves Fall, bringing home a beautiful leaf tells them you...
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PDF Summary Chapter 7: Love Language: Acts of Service

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  • If your partner frequently states how there is a never-ending pile of laundry to be done, relieving them of this burden every now and then will appreciated.
  • If your partner wishes they had more time to read, look for ways to make more time for them.
    • Taking care of the nightly chores or children could free up their time.
    • Make plans out of the house to give them space to read.

Pay attention to the little things that make your partner happy. Think about what they enjoy doing and how you might support those endeavors.

  • If your partner loves a chilled mug with their beer, the act of making sure there are mugs in the freezer can be an expression of love.
  • If your partner likes pancakes on the weekends, getting up early on Saturdays to make pancakes speaks volumes.

Look at your partner’s life and find ways to unburden them.

  • If the first thing your partner does when they get home from work is unpack the dishwasher, taking on this duty before they get home can express to them your understanding of their daily efforts and your desire to make life easier on them.
  • If your partner gets up early to get breakfast and lunches ready for...
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PDF Summary Chapter 8: Love Language: Physical Touch

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  • You may find holding hands annoying or restricting, whereas your partner may feel most loved when you take their hand.

You and your partner are the best judges of what types of touches are pleasurable or uncomfortable. Listen to your partner’s feedback regarding touch.

  • Insisting on touching them in a way they don’t like is a violation and aggressive. It says your desires are more important than theirs.
  • If the goal is to learn to love your partner the best way possible, showing a lack of regard for their touch preferences is the antithesis of that.
  • Only through consensual touch can love be formed.

Emotional connection through touch can be significant, such as romantic intimacy, or subtle, such as a squeeze of the arm or hand through the hair.

  • Either form of touch will communicate love within this love language.
  • One may express love more emphatically than the other, depending on your partner.

To speak this language effectively, becoming an efficient toucher is essential. Figure out the types of touches they like, and develop your skills accordingly.

  • If your partner desires significant touches, learning to be adept at back rubs,...
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PDF Summary Chapter 9: What Is Your Primary Love Language?

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  • If you keep and cherish small gifts, you may speak the language of Receiving Gifts.
  • If you feel overwhelming love when your partner brings home takeout, Acts of Service is probably your language.
  • If you melt when your partner touches you randomly, you probably speak Physical Touch.

2. Reflect on the ways in which you feel hurt or unloved.

  • If little criticisms or jabs wound you and stay with you, your language may be Words of Affirmation.
  • If you were disappointed when your partner didn’t bring you a gift from their business trip, you may speak Receiving Gifts.
  • If you wish your partner kissed you more, you may speak Physical Touch.
  • If you feel lonely, even when your partner is around, Quality Time may be your love language.
  • If you resent always being in charge of dinner or bedtime for the kids, you may speak Acts of Service.

Similarly, to find your partner’s language, recall moments when your partner was upset or hurt by your actions or lack of action.

3. Reflect on the way you treat your partner.

The things you do to show love for your partner indicate a feeling that love is best expressed in those ways. How you show your...

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PDF Summary Chapters 10-11: Why Love Is the Key

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  • Some of these languages will require effort, but if you believe your relationship is worthwhile, the effort will be rewarded.

When both people have full tanks, expressing and sharing love can become reciprocal and enjoyable.

Use Love to Recover from Mistakes

No one is perfect. Mistakes get made. You cannot change the past, but if moving forward in your relationship is what you want, actively speaking your partner’s love language can start the process of healing and reconciliation.

You can choose to work on speaking your partner’s love language, or you can continue living as you have.

  • If you choose to fill their love tank, you are making the grandest statement of love that you can.
  • If you choose to ignore their primary language, you are basically admitting that their happiness is less important than yours or not important at all.

When you want to assuage an argument, acting within their specific language can signal to them your efforts and commitment.

If you and your partner are in a rut or spiraling toward the end, changing your behavior to match their love language can begin to fill their tanks and breathe life into your relationship.

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PDF Summary Chapter 12: Loving through the Hard Times

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Ann’s biggest issue was the loss of time together. When they first fell in love, she and Glenn spent hours together talking or enjoying each other. But throughout their marriage, she began to feel like everything else in Glenn’s life was more important than spending time with her.

Glenn had a different attitude when they used to be more physically intimate. He also felt like Ann nagged him all the time. To understand what Glenn really needed, Ann asked him what she could do to be a better wife to him. She took the information he provided and used it to create a plan of action. She started looking for positive things in his life for which to provide words of affirmation. She also started initiating more intimate touches.

Afterward, Ann asked for feedback on how she was doing in being a better wife. Then, a week after receiving the feedback, she made specific requests of something he could do for her. Through this process, she was letting him know what her primary language was.

She followed this pattern of feedback and requests once a month for six months. At first, Glenn reacted cooly. But soon, he began providing more positive feedback and responded positively to her...

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PDF Summary Chapter 13: Final Thoughts

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  • The loss of the initial high of falling in love can leave some feeling lost and empty.
  • Falling in love is easy. Keeping love requires thought and effort.

If your tank is empty, your partner’s tank is likely not far off. Taking time to learn each other’s love languages can start the process of rediscovering what love means to you and the enjoyment of building it and living with it every day.

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PDF Summary FAQ: The 5 Love Languages

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  • Your child may love bedtime stories and play days at the park, but if your child always requests a kiss goodnight or initiates hugs frequently, they may experience physical touch more deeply than anything else.

As a child grows older, their language is not likely to change, but they way want to receive love may change.

  • A child who loved compliments may still love them, but the type of compliment they desire may change.
    • If your child used to gush when you said how smart or cute they were, those comments might now make your teenager embarrassed.
    • They might want compliments that focus on their growing individuality instead, such as “You’re developing a nice style” or “You’re getting really good at Math/Soccer/Painting.”
  • Look for signs that signify your child’s changing attitude about receiving love to ensure your love is always felt.

4. Are certain languages more common among men and women?

The love languages stem from an emotional place inside us. Although stereotypes of men seeking physical touch more than women or women desiring affirming words more than men abound, each person is different. What makes a person feel loved has less to do...

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