PDF Summary:Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff

In Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff argues that when you respond to your failings and pain with kindness and comfort, you can manage the most challenging situations life throws at you. This entails understanding that you—like all people—make mistakes and suffer, are intrinsically worthy of care and comfort, and are connected to others through your suffering.

Neff is a pioneer in self-compassion research, whose tenets are rooted in Buddhist psychology. She’s the co-founder of the nonprofit Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, co-developer of the Mindful Self-Compassion training and workbook, and author of Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive (2021). Self-Compassion was published in 2015.

In this guide, we’ll examine Neff’s definition of self-compassion and explore the key practices, benefits, and obstacles to embracing it. We’ll also explain how self-compassion can improve your relationship with others, making you a better partner and parent. We’ll also expand on Neff’s claims by comparing them with ideas and advice from other spiritual, psychology, medical, and public health experts.

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• The human tendency to join groups and teams and adopt an “us vs. them” mentality that centers on diminishing and ostracizing non-group members

Both factors encourage a mindset of disconnection and factioning off from others, rather than connection and coming together.

(Shortform note: Research indicates that people worldwide are becoming more independent, self-reliant, and self-centered as time passes, but for different reasons than those Neff proposes. The rise in individualism, coupled with rising rates of narcissism, may be making people more isolated and focused on ourselves than on others. Experts attribute the rise of individualism to a) countries becoming more economically developed, which increases people’s ability to be self-reliant and b) an increase in transmittable diseases, which may disincentivize people from connecting with others, and c) social media and a heightened focus on narcissistic role models, which encourages a “me me me” cultural mindset. )

The Benefits of Self-Compassion

You’ve learned about the three practices of self-compassion. Next we’ll explore three of its key benefits.

Benefit 1: Self-Compassion Fosters Motivation

Neff says that the practice of self-compassion increases motivation because it’s rooted in an intrinsic desire to learn, grow, and cultivate a sense of well-being over the long term. As a result, people who practice self-compassion are inclined to consistently act in ways that put them on the path towards health and happiness—for example, by changing bad habits that take them off course from these goals. Being kind to yourself in the face of suffering further supports motivation by enabling you to create a safe, calm, and supportive environment that nurtures confidence, supports risk taking, and enables you to function at your peak.

(Shortform note: Public health experts say that another way to increase your motivation is by practicing gratitude. They argue that your intrinsic motivation may be strengthened through the same part of the brain activated by gratitude. They note that while no studies definitively connect gratitude and motivation, research does tie gratitude to a desire to give back.)

Neff’s research supports the connection between self-compassion and motivation, finding that self-compassionate people:

• Have just as high standards for themselves as self-critical people.
• Are more likely to have concrete plans to achieve their goals, and more inclined towards personal growth, than people who judge themselves harshly.
• Are more forgiving of themselves when they don’t meet their standards and goals, seeing failure not as evidence of their low self-worth but as an opportunity to learn and grow—which improves their achievement of goals in the long run.

(Shortform note: Experts say you can take three concrete steps to use self-compassion to motivate yourself. First, keep an eye out for your inner critic so you can question negative self-talk that’s working against your goals. Second, recognize that your negative self-talk comes from a positive place—the desire to succeed—even though it’s doing a poor job of communicating that to you. Third, reframe your negative self-talk with kind, affirming messages.)

Neff says there’s a broadly held, erroneous assumption that self-compassion will make you lazy and unmotivated and that being tough on yourself is the only way to achieve your goals and find success. But the only way that self-criticism “works” to the extent that it does is by instilling fear—a known driver of anxiety that actually distracts from the task at hand and makes it difficult to function at your peak. Further, self-criticism prompts some people to employ self-sabotaging strategies to try to protect themselves from criticism and judgment, which often backfires and leaves them worse off.

For example, if you’re worried you won’t perform well in an upcoming competition, you may decide not to practice too hard, or to procrastinate until it’s too late for your efforts to be effective. Then, when you perform poorly, you have an excuse for why: “I barely practiced.” Of course, the problem is you employed strategies destined to lead to failure.

Use Anxiety for Good

Though self-criticism may be a poor motivational tool because it causes anxiety, experts say there are ways to use anxiety to your benefit:

• Reframe anxiety from a negative into a positive indicator of how much you care about something.

• See anxiety, and the fight or flight response that it sometimes triggers, as a messenger making you aware of possible danger.

• Use the energy that anxiety gives you to drive you toward action.

• Capitalize on the fact that anxiety can boost your attention and the functioning of your memory.

• Enjoy the immunity boost you get when anxiety, in small doses, triggers cortisol.

Benefit 2: Self-Compassion Contributes to a Stable Sense of Self-Worth

Neff argues self-compassionate people don’t experience the kinds of harmful fluctuations in self-worth that self-critical people do because their value isn’t rooted in external factors—specifically comparisons of themselves to others and their success or failure at achieving particular goals. Instead, self-compassion is an internally driven mindset that centers on your whole being. A self-compassionate person recognizes that success and failure come and go and don’t define you as good, bad, loveable, or unloveable. She says this is an important distinguishing factor of self-compassion from its often compared, deeply hyped neighbor, self-esteem.

(Shortform note: Research supports Neff’s argument, finding that when self-esteem is rooted in external sources, it’s tied to greater social, emotional, and mental health problems. A 2002 study of college freshmen found that students whose self-worth centered on physical appearance, academic performance, and others’ perceptions of them reported stress and anger, greater relationship and academic problems, and higher levels of drug and alcohol use and eating disorder symptoms than other students.)

Neff says that for decades, the field of psychology has wrongly propped up the idea that having high self-esteem (your assessment of your worth) makes you happier and leads to success. She argues that self-esteem is an unstable metric that can fluctuate unpredictably because it’s often based on factors outside your control, for example:

• How good you are at things that are personally meaningful to you, which is problematic if, for example, you most value looking young and beautiful—because it’s difficult to do forever.
• Your perception of what others think of you, which is problematic if, for example, you’re not innately confident in your intellectual abilities and someone tells you that you’re stupid, which can lead you to feel terrible about yourself.

A Different Take on Self-Esteem

In The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden departs from Neff’s definition of self-esteem, arguing that to have healthy self-esteem, you have to believe two things: 1) that you have the ability to handle your basic life needs (which he calls “self-efficacy”) and 2) that you deserve happiness (which he calls “self-respect”).

When you have a sense of self-efficacy, you feel confident in your ability to earn a living, have healthy relationships, and recover from setbacks, which gives you a sense of control of your life.

When you have self-respect, you feel you’re innately good and valuable and that you’ve earned the right to happiness. As a result, you treat yourself well and expect others to do the same.

While Neff doesn’t directly correlate how good you are at things you care about with your perception of what others think of you, Branden contends that self-efficacy and self-respect operate in a deeply intertwined, continuous cycle, driving and relying on your behavior: Your actions align with your expectations of yourself, and the outcomes of your actions reinforce those expectations.

Neff says that while external factors associated with self-esteem can prompt your sense of self-worth to skyrocket or plummet within seconds, self-compassion is always available to you, even during your worst moments. Instead of feeling bad about your failures (real and perceived), you can turn to self-compassion to meet and soothe your pain with kindness, recognizing your failure as an opportunity to grow and connect to others through the common experience of pain.

For example, if someone tells you that you’re stupid, you can take a moment to say to yourself (as you would to a close friend): “That was a really mean and untrue thing for them to say. You’re very smart. But I understand why someone saying that to you would be so hurtful because it’s unkind. Fortunately, you’re not the first person someone’s been unkind to and you, like others, will be okay and get past this. Let’s take a few minutes to do something nice for you, like get a hot tea.”

(Shortform note: Using a tool Neff developed to measure self-compassion, researchers found that people who are highly self-compassionate often feel strongly that they’re true to themselves—which presumably goes hand-in-hand with a stable sense of self-worth. Researchers concluded that self-compassion increases authenticity by reducing negative thoughts.)

Benefit 3: Self-Compassion Reduces Anxiety and Depression

Neff says that research shows that people who are self-compassionate are less anxious and depressed than people who self-criticize because they’re able to acknowledge and respond to their negative thoughts and emotions rather than ruminate on them.

Recognizing your negative ideas and feelings as observable, temporary phenomena that come and go (Practice 1), as opposed to an all-encompassing reality from which there’s no escape, frees you from them. In addition, soothing and being kind to yourself during difficult moments (Practice 2) makes you feel safe and grounded, allowing you to connect to others’ experiences of suffering (Practice 3). When you broaden your focus this way, you’re more able to consider positive things, which helps balance your negative feelings and prevents you from ruminating on them.

(Shortform note: Experts describe the experience of getting hooked by your negative thoughts as “loop thinking.” Left unresolved, loop thinking can lead to anxiety, irritation, and the intensifying of negative thoughts and feelings. For example, if you believe someone misunderstood or is ignoring something you said, you may feel compelled to justify that you were right and go in circles in your head trying to figure out how you can prove it. You can lose time and energy doing this and, if you do it too often, will struggle to live an attentive, meaningful life.)

Neff says that research shows that people who are able to create a more open state of being through self-compassion are more likely to feel optimistic about their future and confident in their ability to navigate any challenges that may arise. This is because each time they tap into their well of self-support in the face of challenge, they feel better and increasingly learn to trust their ability to take care of themselves.

In contrast, people who are critical of themselves are unable to create this calm, secure space. As a result, when they face challenges, they feel unsafe, scattered, and disconnected, making them more likely to fixate on their problem, which can cause anxiety and depression.

(Shortform note: Marketing experts suggest the relationship between openness and optimism also works in the inverse: Optimism breeds openness to new ideas, which can bolster entrepreneurs’ resilience. Optimistic entrepreneurs are more likely to be flexible in their thinking and thus less inclined to ruminate over failure. Instead, they’ll take challenges in stride and move on to new ideas as quickly as possible. Further, studies suggest there’s a link between entrepreneurs’ optimism and their company’s profits, as well as a positive relationship between optimism and new venture performance, indicating that optimism—possibly nurtured through self-compassion—supports entrepreneurs’ motivation and emotional and cognitive resilience.)

Neff also says that there’s a biological reason people become entrenched in their negativity: Our brains have a negativity bias that makes us more inclined to remember negative things than positive things. This is because our brain detects negative information as a threat to be avoided, while positive information is less relevant to ensuring our immediate survival.

(Shortform note: Neuroscientists say that we process negative experiences 10 times faster than positive ones, and that it takes five positive comments to counter one negative one. Further, because our brains don’t like idleness, when we’re mentally unoccupied we default to a state of repetitive worry.)

You can pull yourself out of a dark place by attuning yourself to how your negative emotions and suffering manifest in you physically. This grounds you in the present moment and allows you to respond gently to your pain without becoming consumed by it. For example, if you’re angry, you might notice that your jaw is clenched and say to yourself: “I notice that my jaw is clenched.” You can then think about the underlying feeling that’s leading you to clench your jaw and gently address that emotion and pain by saying to yourself, “I’m sorry you’re angry and hurting. This is a hard moment so it’s understandable to feel the way you do. You’ll get through this and everything will be okay.”

(Shortform note: It’s one thing to try to pull yourself out of a general state of sadness or unhappiness, but if you’re struggling with depression, engaging in physical grounding techniques alone are unlikely to help pull you out of the darkness. If you’re experiencing a prolonged state of feeling empty, lonely, and hopeless, a combination of coping strategies may help, including keeping a routine that centers on getting enough sleep and exercise, eating healthfully, socializing, and seeking the help of a therapist.)

Obstacles to Self-Compassion

Neff says that despite the importance and benefits of self-compassion, many people spend their lives criticizing and judging themselves. This happens for two key reasons: 1) Cutting ourselves down is part of an evolutionarily-driven comparison game that humans play when they’re on autopilot and 2) children of critical parents often become self-critical adults.

Reason 1: People Are Hardwired to Compare Themselves to Others

Neff says that humans’ default mode of operation is to either puff ourselves up or tear ourselves down because we have a primal need to fit into hierarchical social groups, whichkeep us safe and provide resources like protection and food. We try to gain acceptance into these groups by either showing that we’re successful (likable and worthy of inclusion) or submissive (willing to do whatever it takes to be included). As a result, we constantly compare ourselves to others to demonstrate either our dominance over or willingness to sublimate ourselves to others in the group.

How You Fare When You Compare

Being curious about how you’re faring relative to others is a natural tendency, according to social comparison theory. We use comparisons to try to understand our place in the world. Researchers agree with Neff that people make two types of comparisons and label them as “upward” and “downward” comparisons (the first centers on comparing yourself to someone you think is better off than you, the second to someone you think is worse off).

Additionally, they offer more detailed information on why you’d be inclined to make an upward or downward comparison. You might make an upward comparison when looking for inspiration or hope—as a means of figuring out how to improve your circumstances and overcome obstacles. In contrast, you might make a downward comparison when your self-esteem is threatened. In both cases, you risk glossing over the suffering of the people you’re comparing yourself to.

But researchers say there are also upsides to comparisons if you approach them thoughtfully. For example, if you’re mindful of your common humanity, comparing your situation to that of people you believe to be less fortunate may inspire deeper compassion in you. When making upward comparisons, reminding yourself that everyone suffers can help you temper feelings of jealousy.

Reason 2: Children of Critical Parents Become Self-Critical Adults

Neff says that research shows that children of critical parents are more likely to criticize themselves as adults. Children who internalize their parents’ criticism believe they’re bad, flawed, and unworthy of being accepted for who they truly are, and that to receive their parents’ love they have to be what their parents want them to be: Perfect. This sets them up to believe that “perfection” is a legitimate, achievable goal, which is a recipe for failure and rejection.

(Shortform note: Not only can parental criticism lead children to self-criticize, it can alter children’s neural responses to reward and punishment. Research shows that overt criticism magnifies children’s reactivity to losses and limits their reactivity to gains, setting them for longer-term self-esteem issues that can last through adulthood.)

Neff says that to lessen the blow of being criticized by their parents, many children learn to criticize themselves before they get beat to the punch. When children who consistently self-criticize grow up, they often inadvertently undermine their efforts to get close to and receive support from others by seeking out relationships with people who validate their negative self-assessment. This is because the familiar feeling they get from having someone confirm that they’re as worthless as they think they are creates a sense of stability.

Neff says that when you criticize and judge your suffering instead of showing yourself compassion, you shut down and disconnect from others, tuning you out of the human experience and into a lone island of misery. Self-criticism leads people to feel inadequate, inferior, ashamed, and isolated, which can manifest in damaging behavior like alcohol and drug abuse, self-injury, and suicide attempts.

Self-Critic Types

Psychologists offer more detailed information on the forms that self-criticism can take. Two particularly destructive types of inner critics include the “inadequate self” and the “hated self.” The inadequate self-critic reprimands you for your longstanding incompetencies and faults when you fail to achieve goals. The hated self-critic judges your failings and lets you know, in an abusive, loathing tone, that you’re not up to snuff. Experts link both types of inner critics to the same poor outcomes Neff describes, including depression, anxiety, and suicide, and recommend responding to these inner critics by engaging in reassuring, positive self-talk and self-compassion.

Therapists describe a broader range of self-critical voices, some of which include:

• The perfectionist, who always wants you to try harder and reminds you that you’re never doing things right

• The inner controller, who shames you for not having willpower

• The taskmaster, who tells you you’re lazy and won’t amount to anything

• The destroyer, who tells you you’re worthless and should never have been born

The motive of each type differs, and understanding how they differ allows you to understand the more positive message they’re trying to communicate to you (albeit, ineffectively).

The antidote to the insecurity, anxiety, and hopelessness that self-criticism produces is to acknowledge your negative assessments. To do this, show yourself compassion: Accept that your suffering is real and valid, gently comfort yourself to address your pain, and acknowledge that your imperfections—which are part of the human experience—are the connection point that bonds you with all of humanity.

Self-Compassion and Relating to Others

You just learned about the barriers to self-compassion. Now we’ll examine how self-compassion can improve your relationships with others by allowing you to change your behavior so you can partner and parent more effectively.

Practice Self-Compassion to Be a Better Partner

Neff says that self-compassion supports your ability to be a better partner in your love relationships by making you self-reliant and able to have healthy conflict with your partner. When you’re able to step back from heated conversations, soothe and validate your own feelings, and assess your situation more rationally, you’re less needy and less of an emotional drain on your partner. Creating space to care for yourself during difficult moments also allows you to gain your composure, which can help you refrain from lashing out, reflect on your own behavior, and apologize when necessary. (Shortform note: While Neff focuses on romantic relationships, much of the discussion applies to any relationship.)

Neff says that to show yourself compassion during challenging moments of your relationship—for example, during a fight with your partner—you should think about what you need in that moment (validation, support, etc.) then tap into your inner resources to give that thing to yourself. For example, you might say to yourself: “I’m sorry you feel sad and hurt. It’s only natural under the circumstances. How can I help?” Acknowledging and validating your own feelings and needs gives you emotional distance and allows you to return to the conversation with a clearer head.

(Shortform note: Therapists offer three additional, concrete strategies beyond those central to self-compassion, to help you fight fair with your partner. First, if you’re in a heated discussion, the moment you feel yourself losing control, tell your partner directly that you need a time out so you can calm down, which will literally stop the blood from draining out of the part of your brain that regulates emotional control. Second, adhere to two strict “no no’s”: Don’t interrupt your partner while they’re talking, and don’t bring up the past. Your partner needs to feel as heard as you do, and raising the past distracts from the subject at hand.)

Practice Self-Compassion to Be A Better Parent

Neff says that when parents demonstrate self-compassion, not only do they improve their interactions with their children, they also teach their children to be self-compassionate by modeling the behavior. She argues that parents should teach their children self-compassion to help them navigate unavoidable parts of life, including pain, imperfection, and failure. Neff offers three tips for doing this.

Tip 1: Be Kind to Yourself

Neff says that being gentle with yourself when you make mistakes in front of your child teaches them that parents are also humans who err, and that mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow from. When you have a parenting failure—for example, screaming at your child for doing something infuriating—you can demonstrate kindness toward yourself by:

1. Taking a moment to acknowledge and be gentle with yourself about why you experienced the failure (your child threw her Cheerios with milk on the floor, leaving you with a mess to clean up).
2. Apologizing to your child for your outburst (“Honey, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was upset that you threw your cereal on the floor, but I could have told you that it’s not okay to make a mess that someone else has to clean up without yelling at you. I love you”).

(Shortform note: Parenting experts say you can model kindness for your children not just by being gentle with yourself in the face of your errors, but by extending kindness towards others. For example, you could pay for the person in line behind you at the coffee shop, smile and hold the door as you exit and enter stores, pick up litter, or bring food to neighbors who are having a hard time.)

Tip 2: Don’t Criticize Yourself in Front of Your Child

Neff says that criticizing yourself in front of your child (“I’m so stupid!” or “I can’t believe I gained five pounds—I’m disgusting!”) communicates to them that tearing yourself down in the face of your perceived failings is normal, acceptable behavior. In contrast, being gentle with yourself about your limitations in front of your child will encourage them to be similarly kind towards themselves when they feel insufficient and experience setbacks.

For example, if you realize that your sister’s birthday party is tonight and you forgot to bake the cake, rather than say: “I forgot to make Aunt Linda’s cake, I can’t believe how dumb I am!” try: “Shoot! I forgot to make a cake for your aunt’s birthday party tonight. I guess we’ll have to get a cake from the store—maybe you and I can pick out a themed cake that she’ll like!” This communicates to your child that to err is human—and not fatal.

(Shortform note: Experts say that not only shouldn’t you criticize yourself in front of your children, you also avoid talking negatively and disrespectfully about your partner and others. Calling your partners or others names and speaking abusively to them communicates to your child that this behavior is acceptable. You can help children understand how this behavior is unhelpful by a) refraining from doing it and b) talking with them about how talking negatively to someone makes them feel.)

Tip 3: Don’t Criticize or Shame Your Child When Correcting Them

Neff says that when parents routinely criticize their children for making mistakes, those children are more likely to be critical of themselves and experience anxiety and depression as adults. You can support your child’s sense of self-worth and help them understand the importance of self-compassion by offering corrections that make them feel understood rather than attacked, which also makes them more likely to respond positively to your correction. To do this, you should:

• Make the target of your correction the child’s unwanted behavior, not their character, so they understand that you don’t like what they did, but that they’re not bad or unloveable.
• Emphasize that mistakes don’t define us and are things to learn from. This normalizes the idea that errors and failure happen and aren’t world-ending.
• Validate the feelings underlying their unwanted behavior so they feel seen and understood.
• Offer your correction in a calm, neutral tone to prevent further escalating the situation.

(Shortform note: Experts build on Neff’s argument that children whose parents criticize them are more likely to be self-critical, saying that criticizing your child for their mistakes is a strategy that backfires because it turns children’s attention from their own behavior to your negative feelings about them, which has long-term consequences for the relationship. When children become preoccupied with their parents’ unhappiness toward them, they can’t focus on addressing or improving things they’ve done wrong. And when children experience repeated rejection by their parents for their mistakes, they learn they can’t turn to their parents when things go wrong, which undermines their relationship.)