PDF Summary:Rising Strong, by Brené Brown

Brené Brown believes that the key to fulfillment is pursuing wholeheartedness—a way of life that fosters self-worth and emphasizes being brave, caring for yourself and others, and cultivating meaningful relationships. Living wholeheartedly requires you to embrace and express your authentic self. However, doing so makes you vulnerable—you may face painful experiences like rejection, loss, and heartbreak. If left unaddressed, these experiences cause emotional setbacks that can keep you from living wholeheartedly. In Rising Strong, Brown explains that to rebuild wholeheartedness after setbacks, you must recover emotionally.

In this guide, we’ll start by explaining why it’s important to take control of your recovery. Then, we’ll explore the three stages of Brown’s recovery process—confronting your strong feelings, exploring why they occurred, and identifying how you can change your thoughts and behaviors to cultivate resilience and rebuild wholeheartedness. In our commentary, we’ll add context to Brown’s research and advice, referencing books like Hans Rosling’s Factfulness and Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s Burnout.

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For example, when you got the message that your spouse wouldn’t be at your award ceremony, you might have experienced a sinking feeling in your stomach or the urge to hit something. When you feel these sensations begin, acknowledge that something has hurt you and you’re having an emotional setback.

(Shortform note: Other experts reiterate the importance of paying attention to your physical and mental reactions to identify when you’re emotionally triggered. The more familiar you are with your responses, the quicker you’ll be able to recognize emotional reactions and regain control. They provide a more comprehensive list of symptoms to help you recognize when you’re having a setback. You may experience: panic or anxiety; a rapid heartbeat, breathing, and sweating; loss of emotional control; the need to escape; rumination; sudden mood changes; bodily tension like a clenched jaw or fists; flashbacks; or delayed emotional reactions of anger or sadness.)

Next, Brown advises you to explore your reaction. What are you feeling? What caused this reaction? For example, the bodily sensations you felt after receiving the message from your spouse might indicate that you’re feeling angry and disappointed. Upon reflecting, you might realize you’re angry because your spouse's lack of attendance makes you feel unimportant.

(Shortform note: To explore your reaction and understand what caused it, you first must be able to pinpoint what you’re feeling. However, different emotions are experienced at different intensities—identifying exactly what you’re feeling can be difficult. Some experts have created an interactive “feelings wheel” to help you pinpoint the emotion you’re feeling, the bodily sensations attached to it, why you might be feeling that way, and what the emotion is trying to tell you.)

Tips for Confronting Your Emotions

Here are two of Brown’s tips for successfully confronting your emotions:

1. Give yourself written permission. On paper, write “I’m allowed to feel [your painful emotions].” Brown notes that this technique is especially useful for people who may feel ashamed of their strong emotions due to, for example, being raised in an environment where strong emotions were discouraged.

(Shortform note: To make your written permission even more effective, try making it a verbal affirmation. Some experts explain this may be more effective in changing your mindset for a few reasons. First, speaking aloud activates the pleasure center of the brain, which makes you more likely to feel calm or positive in uncomfortable situations (like confronting your feelings). Further, reciting affirmations aloud forms “auditory links” within your memory—this instills the belief into your subconscious and makes you more likely to remember it when a relevant situation arises. So, if you regularly tell yourself aloud that it’s OK to feel your feelings, you’ll naturally get more comfortable doing so over time.)

2. Practice breathing exercises to ground yourself. Breathing exercises help you become more mindful of your thoughts and emotions so you can calm your mind and focus on what’s currently happening. One practice to try is repeatedly breathing in slowly for a few seconds, holding your breath for a few seconds, breathing out slowly for a few seconds, then holding your breath for a few seconds—all while focusing on your thoughts and emotions.

(Shortform note: Controlled breathing exercises are arguably beneficial for your mind, emotions, and focus because they activate your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). Activating your PNS signals to your brain that everything is OK and triggers muscle relaxation. This reduces stress and anxiety. Your relaxed body also decelerates the release of hormones that increase heart rate and blood pressure, like cortisol and norepinephrine. This makes you more alert and benefits your body by improving your immunity and metabolism.)

Stage #2: Explore What Happened

Brown explains that the second stage of the recovery process is exploring your narrative about the situation and identifying how that narrative might differ from reality. When we experience something painful, our brains try to determine what happened and why in an attempt to avoid ambiguity. However, we don't usually have all the important information about the situation—such as someone’s true feelings, intentions, or reasons. Therefore, we tend to assume the worst about what happened and why based on our negative past experiences. This creates an inaccurate narrative.

(Shortform note: Scientists explain that humans have a tendency to avoid ambiguity and make assumptions because doing so gives us an evolutionary advantage. Ambiguity leaves us unable to concretely prepare for the future, which makes us more likely to be surprised by events and possibly harmed. The human brain adapted to avoid ambiguity and its potential danger by making assumptions. Further, we’re more likely to make negative assumptions when faced with uncertainty because, to effectively protect ourselves, we’re better off preparing for the worst than assuming the best and being blindsided.)

Relying on negative, inaccurate narratives often fosters negative feelings about ourselves and others. This keeps us from embracing our authentic selves, being open with others, and recovering wholeheartedness. For example, we might assume that someone’s intent was to hurt us or that they acted in a certain way because we weren’t good enough.

On the other hand, when we confront our narrative and its potential inaccuracies, we’re able to identify and combat our negative assumptions. This gives us a more balanced perspective of the situation and those involved in it so we’re better equipped to recover from setbacks and re-embrace wholeheartedness.

(Shortform note: Confronting our narrative and its potential inaccuracies may be crucial to overcoming our negative assumptions because it combats confirmation bias—our tendency to favor information that confirms our beliefs and assumptions and reject information that doesn’t. In the context of Brown’s process, confirmation bias may encourage us to look for “evidence” that supports our assumed narrative about a situation. When we look for flaws in the narrative instead, we actively challenge our beliefs about what happened. This can leave us better equipped to deconstruct our confirmation bias and see the reality of a situation from all angles.)

Further, learning to overcome these assumption reactions will boost your resilience—your ability to avoid or quickly recover from emotional setbacks in the future. This is because the more you practice deconstructing your inaccurate narratives, the easier it will get and the better you’ll become at preventing yourself from creating them in the first place.

Negative Assumptions and Uncertainty Tolerance

As Brown notes, we often make assumptions (and therefore experience their negative effects) when faced with stress-inducing ambiguity. You may be able to avoid the negative consequences of making assumptions if you increase your uncertainty tolerance (UT)—your ability to tolerate ambiguity without making any assumptions, good or bad.

Having higher UT is correlated with improved overall well-being, higher self-esteem, higher motivation to take social risks (like being open and connecting with others), and higher life satisfaction. Further, some research suggests that people who have a high tolerance for ambiguity cope better when faced with chance events—in other words, they have more resilience in the face of setbacks.

One way to increase your UT is by developing “flexible thinking”—the ability to go with the flow when you know you can’t control things but quickly shift your approach when you learn new, relevant information about the situation.

Brown recommends three steps to explore what happened to you and identify what you need to learn so you can rebuild wholeheartedness.

Step #1: Record Your Initial Narrative

First, Brown says to record the initial narrative you’re telling yourself about the situation—what occurred, your beliefs about why it occurred, and what the situation made you think and feel. In doing so, be as truthful about your feelings as possible—you might feel crazy or unhinged if your story seems unreasonable, but that’s OK. For example, your story about your spouse missing your award ceremony might look something like this:

“My spouse missed my award ceremony because they’re selfish, and they didn’t want to go—being sick was just an excuse. Even if they were sick, they could have attended a short ceremony. If the roles were reversed, I would have pushed through for them. I must not be very important to them, and I must love them more than they love me.”

(Shortform note: Other experts also emphasize the importance of writing down your assumptions to help overcome them, and they recommend a specific exercise to help you get into the practice. For one week, write down every assumption you make, no matter how minor. For example, if you can’t find the screwdriver and assume it’s because your partner misplaced it, write it down—even if it doesn’t cause an emotional setback. Doing this exercise for one week will help you to recognize your assumptions in more critical situations like emotional setbacks and get you into the habit of recording them immediately.)

Step #2: Look Outward

Second, Brown says you must analyze the situation and determine what else you need to know to get a complete and accurate perspective. First, identify which parts of your story are objective facts and which are assumptions. Then, consider what else you need to know about the other people involved to get an accurate picture of the situation—do you need more information, to ask questions, or to clarify anything?

For example, the facts of the situation are that your spouse didn’t attend the ceremony, and they told you it was because they were sick. Your assumptions are that the sickness was an excuse, and your spouse doesn’t care about you as much as you care about them. To get the full story, you need to know more about whether your spouse was truly sick, and if they truly wanted to attend the ceremony.

Finally, consider how your initial narrative may have been inaccurate due to the assumptions you made. Consider whether the assumptions are fair, and why. For instance, maybe believing that your spouse’s sickness was fake was an unfair assumption—they’ve never faked an illness before, and you can’t step into their body to measure how well they feel.

Handling Challenging Conversations About Assumptions and Conflicts

The reflection process Brown outlines may require you to have a challenging or emotionally charged conversation with the other person involved. You may need to ask them clarifying questions about their actions and intentions. In doing so, you may need to admit that you initially assumed the worst of their behavior—and created a negative narrative as a consequence. Handled poorly, this type of conversation may upset the other person: They may feel like you’re interrogating them, or they may be hurt that you assumed they had bad intentions.

Here are some tips for handling these kinds of challenging conversations:

• Get permission to talk: Start the conversation on a friendly and respectful note by asking if the person can talk—rather than demanding they do so and setting a combative tone from the outset.

• Take breaks if needed: If emotions run high, take a break and return to the conversation when you’ve both calmed down.

• Allow quiet time to think: Silent moments in conversations can be unsettling, but resist the urge to fill them. Let the other person quietly reflect on what you’ve told or asked of them.

Step #3: Look Inward

Finally, Brown says to look inward and question why you reacted the way you did. This will help you determine how to improve so you can recover from setbacks more easily, maintain wholeheartedness, and build resilience, which we’ll discuss in the final stage of the recovery process.

To do so, consider why you made these unfair assumptions—what underlying thoughts and beliefs caused you to reach your conclusions? For example, maybe you fear being abandoned by important people in your life. When your spouse canceled at the last minute, your fear was triggered, and your brain told you that they were abandoning you—this led you to immediately assume ill intent on their part.

Identify Your Core Beliefs

Some experts note that the way we perceive and interact with the world is largely shaped by our core beliefs—our fundamental beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. These beliefs are often inaccurate, and they’re also often the root cause of both negative automatic thoughts (like believing you’re not good enough) and problematic assumptions.

It’s arguably important to uncover your core beliefs so you can recognize when they’re inaccurately influencing your perspective and negatively impacting your thoughts and behaviors. One way to do so is to pay attention to your recurring automatic negative thoughts and look for patterns that may point to underlying beliefs.

Specifically, try writing down your negative automatic thoughts whenever you notice yourself having them. After a few days, analyze the list of thoughts to look for patterns. For example, if you find yourself regularly having thoughts like “I look stupid in this outfit,” “Everyone is better looking than me,” or “I bet that group of people is laughing at me,” you might identify a pattern of unworthiness. In this case, one of your core beliefs might be that others think you're unworthy.

This underlying belief may be the root of some of your negative assumptions. For instance, you may have assumed your spouse faked being sick to get out of your ceremony because of your core belief that they think you’re unworthy of their time and attention.

One way you can change a core belief is to gather evidence that disproves it. For example, remind yourself that your spouse rearranged their work schedule to spend more time with you during the week—this proves that they do find you worthy of their time and attention.

Stage #3: Change Your Thoughts and Behaviors to Build Resilience

Brown explains that the final stage of the recovery process is to identify ways in which you can alter your thoughts and behaviors to avoid emotional setbacks in the future.

In the final step of Stage #2, you’ll have uncovered problematic thoughts and beliefs that underlie your emotional setbacks and inhibit you from vulnerability and wholeheartedness. In Stage #3, you must identify how you can change these thoughts and behaviors to avoid similar setbacks in the future.

To complete this stage, consider: What new, more positive narratives do you need to tell yourself to avoid making negative assumptions about yourself or others? What emotional wounds and beliefs do you need to overcome to improve your relationships, strengthen your self-worth, and create a happier, more fulfilling life for yourself? Every time you experience a new emotional setback and move through the recovery process, ask yourself these questions and determine which wounds to heal next.

For example, in the final step of Stage #2, you identified that your fear of abandonment triggered your emotional setback. To move forward and build resilience, you must identify ways to lessen the control that your fear has over your thoughts and behaviors. You might do this by catching yourself when you assume ill-intent from someone and trying to see the situation from their perspective. Further, you could work on forming more realistic expectations of others. It may not be realistic or fair to expect your spouse to attend your ceremony if they’re sick—you need to consider their needs, not just your own.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Facilitate Recovery

Brown isn’t the first psychologist to emphasize the importance of overcoming negative automatic thoughts and behaviors and healing from past emotional wounds to live a happy and fulfilling life. This has been the focus of psychotherapy for centuries. In particular, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is designed to accomplish the process Brown lays out in her final stage—overcoming negative automatic thoughts and behaviors by replacing them with more productive ones.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, patients work with a professional to target the negative automatic thoughts that result in their emotional setbacks. They identify problematic thoughts and behaviors and come up with strategies to replace them with more positive or realistic stories. CBT may expedite the recovery process because while you’re encouraged to undergo much of the work on your own, your psychologist functions as a guide and means of support. They generally support you through six to 20 sessions. Once your therapy concludes, you should be able to implement the strategies on your own in your everyday life.