PDF Summary:Raising Good Humans, by Hunter Clarke-Fields

Are you tired of feeling like parenting is a power struggle? Raising Good Humans by Hunter Clarke-Fields is a guide for parents and caregivers seeking to collaborate with their children rather than feeling constantly at odds with them. Grounded in mindfulness principles, Clarke-Fields’s structured approach to navigating the complexities of modern parenting involves being patient, parenting intentionally, and fostering relationships built on mutual respect and understanding rather than power dynamics.

Clarke-Fields, a mindfulness mentor, encourages parents to incorporate mindfulness into their daily routines, balancing parenting with self-care and transitioning from reactive methods to more conscious approaches. In this guide, we’ll explore her relationship-centered approach, emphasizing mindfulness to manage emotions—both yours and your child's. We’ll provide strategies to strengthen your relationship with your child, include insights into the psychology behind mindfulness, and explore other parenting perspectives.

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Accept That Difficult Emotions Are a Part of Life

Clarke-Fields says that developing a mindfulness practice and increasing your self-awareness can help minimize your stress and emotional outbursts but emphasizes that difficult emotions are natural—for parents and children—and you shouldn’t feel any shame for having them. The problem is that, too often, we lack the tools to deal with these difficult feelings in a healthy way. Most people tend to either suppress their emotions entirely and ignore them, or they become overwhelmed by them.

(Shortform note: Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama, in The Book of Joy, argue that embracing emotions like sadness and anger fosters compassion and self-understanding. They stress that suffering is universal. This perspective helps cultivate a sense of shared humanity, making it easier to manage difficult feelings constructively. By recognizing that these emotions are common to all, we can approach them with curiosity rather than fear, learning from them without letting them define us. Accepting hard emotions as natural allows for growth and deeper connections with others.)

Clarke-Fields offers a third approach: mindful acceptance. This "middle path" involves neither pushing away nor becoming consumed by difficult emotions. Instead, it means taking time to acknowledge and fully experience the physical sensations that arise with your feelings, then allowing them to pass naturally.

(Shortform note: While Clarke-Fields uses the term “middle path” to describe finding the balance between two extremes, the Middle Path, or Middle Way, is a fundamental concept in Buddhism that avoids the extremes of self-indulgence and self-mortification. It’s the path that the Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama, discovered and taught after his enlightenment as the way to achieve Nirvana, or liberation from the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth (samsara).)

Clarke-Fields suggests the RAIN meditation as a step-by-step approach for handling intense feelings in these moments:

1. Recognize the strong emotion you’re experiencing and describe it using language that separates you from what you’re feeling. For example, "I am feeling scared" rather than "I am scared."
2. Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. Avoid judgment or trying to move past the feeling too quickly.
3. Investigate the feeling. Be curious. Notice where the feeling shows up in your body. What thoughts accompany the feeling? Are those thoughts accurate or helpful?
4. Nurture the feeling. Ask yourself what you need. For example, if you are feeling scared, the scared part of you may need reassurance that you are safe. You could put your hand over your heart and speak kind words to yourself like "This feeling of fear is temporary. I am safe right now."

(Shortform note: The RAIN meditation was developed by Michele McDonald, a mindfulness teacher with deep roots in Insight Meditation. This mindfulness practice has gained popularity for its straightforward and effective approach to handling emotional difficulties. Tara Brach, a psychologist and meditation teacher well-versed in Buddhist meditation practices, also played a significant role in popularizing the technique. Brach embraced RAIN and contributed to its widespread adoption by integrating it into her teachings and sharing it with a broader audience. Today, RAIN is widely used within various mindfulness communities for personal growth and emotional healing.)

Clarke-Fields emphasizes that using this approach to manage difficult emotions takes practice, but the more you do it, the less control your feelings will have over your life and your decision-making. As your ability to self-regulate and your self-awareness increase, it’ll become easier to make intentional decisions that strengthen your relationship with your child.

(Shortform note: Clarke-Fields echoes a core principle that Charles Duhigg explores in The Power of Habit: the transformative power of repeated actions. Duhigg illustrates how habits are formed through a loop of cue, routine, and reward. Applying this to mindfulness practice, you might use feelings of stress or anxiety as a cue to begin a specific calming routine such as deep breathing exercises or meditation. The reward comes in the form of immediate relief from distress and, over time, an increased ability to manage emotions effectively. This habit loop not only helps in regulating your emotional state but also improves overall mental health.)

In the next section, we’ll talk about how mindful parenting can help you build a stronger relationship with your kid, even when you’re in conflict.

How Mindful Parenting Can Minimize Conflict

Mindful parenting recognizes that conflicts often arise when there are competing needs between a parent and a child. Rather than resorting to power struggles or permissiveness, mindful parenting aims to resolve conflict through mutual understanding and collaborative problem-solving. While Clarke-Fields acknowledges that yelling, timeouts, and threats may get your kid to behave in the short term, especially when they’re young, these strategies will degrade your relationship over time. If your child complies with your request or changes their behavior, it’ll be out of fear, and it will only build resentment and anger.

(Shortform note: Unlike Clarke-Fields, Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, defends her more authoritarian approach to raising high-achieving and disciplined children. While Clarke-Fields argues that strategies like yelling, timeouts, and threats degrade relationships and foster resentment, Chua contends that clear boundaries and high expectations lead to immediate compliance and long-term respect. Chua presents her methods, which balance strictness with love and support, as effective in cultivating resilience and producing excellence in a competitive world.)

When you’re having a conflict with your child, says Clarke-Fields, you need to listen, communicate respectfully, collaborate to find a solution, and then take time to reconnect afterward.

Listen

Listening lays the groundwork for a stronger relationship, writes Clarke-Fields. When you really listen to your kids, you send them the powerful message that they matter. It's not just about hearing what they say, but tuning into their emotions and understanding their perspective. When children feel understood, they're more likely to open up and share more of their thoughts and feelings. This creates a positive feedback loop where both parent and child feel more connected.

The Three Levels of Listening

The goal of listening is to understand the other person better. In Co-Active Coaching, the authors outline three levels of listening, the last of which is the most effective in promoting understanding and emotional intimacy.

The first level of listening is internal listening. At this level, the listener is focused on their own thoughts and feelings. They aren't fully present or engaged with the speaker and may be distracted or preoccupied.

The second level of listening is focused listening. At this level, the listener is fully present and engaged with the speaker. They're actively listening, paying attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues, and asking questions for clarification.

The third, and most effective level of listening, is global listening. At this level, the listener is fully present and engaged with the speaker on multiple levels. They’re listening not only to the words being spoken but also to the emotions, values, and intentions behind them.

Clarke-Fields says that when conflicts come up, pay close attention to what your child says to figure out the real reasons behind their actions or complaints. This means looking beyond the immediate problem, and understanding the deeper issue—the “why.” Often, there is some need that is not being met. Understanding the unmet need will help you tackle the root cause of the problem instead of just applying quick fixes that don't solve anything long-term. For example, if your child gets angry when you ask them to clean their room, they may have an unmet need for autonomy or time to relax, or even guidance and instruction on where to start cleaning.

(Shortform note: According to scholar John Burton, unmet human needs are the basis of not only interpersonal conflicts, but also broader social conflicts. Unlike superficial or material disputes that might be negotiable, Burton explains, these unmet needs are inherent and non-negotiable prerequisites for human well-being. This is why traditional conflict resolution methods, like bargaining and compromise, fall short. Like Clarke-Fields, he advocates for a problem-solving approach that seeks to understand and address the underlying needs of everyone involved. By doing so, Burton argues, it’s possible to achieve more sustainable and enduring resolutions, as you acknowledge and address the root causes of conflict rather than merely the symptoms.)

Moreover, says Clarke-Fields, when kids see their parents genuinely trying to understand them without jumping straight into lecturing or punishment, they’re far less likely to get defensive and more likely to be open-minded about finding mutually acceptable solutions.

Communicate Respectfully

If you want to be closer with your child, communicate with them respectfully. Clarke-Fields says that when you’re frustrated, it’s tempting to communicate in ways that emphasize your power in the relationship—demanding, threatening, or dismissing—to get your kid to comply with your request. However, these approaches often signal to your child that they’re a problem to be fixed rather than a person with their own thoughts and feelings, which will hurt your relationship over time.

Communicate Your Expectations

While it’s important to communicate respectfully with your children, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, explain that it’s equally important to set clear expectations for kids. This involves outlining specific rules and boundaries so that children understand what is expected of them.

According to Faber and Mazlish, clear expectations help children feel more secure and confident, as they know exactly what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not. Furthermore, having a consistent framework of expectations can also prevent misunderstandings and reduce the likelihood of conflicts. When children are aware of the established guidelines, they’re better equipped to make informed decisions and take responsibility for their actions.

Clarke-Fields writes that to shift away from these counterproductive patterns, refocus requests on "I" statements rather than "you" accusations. Express your own unmet needs instead of attributing blame. For example, instead of yelling “No yelling,” you could say, "When you yell, I feel overwhelmed and can't focus." This strategy both allows you to advocate for your needs and serves as a vital lesson for your child. It teaches them to consider how their actions impact others. It also gives them a model to name what they’re feeling when their needs aren’t met.

(Shortform note: "I-messages" were popularized by Thomas Gordon, a clinical psychologist, in his book Parent Effectiveness Training (1970). Gordon introduced the concept as a communication tool to help parents express their feelings and needs in a non-confrontational and empathetic manner. The idea behind "I-messages" is that by focusing on one's own feelings rather than criticizing or blaming the other person ("You-messages"), parents can foster more open, respectful, and effective communication with their children. This technique has since been widely adopted in various contexts beyond parenting, such as in education, counseling, and conflict resolution.)

Clarke-Fields acknowledges that "I-messages" are not perfect tools, but as you use them more, your child will learn they can trust you to treat them with respect and consideration and will be more willing to cooperate. She advises being patient when adopting new communication strategies as it may take time to build back trust with your kid.

(Shortform note: Using “I-messages” fosters trust and models respectful communication, tapping into the concept of mirror neurons—brain cells that fire both when an action is performed and when it is observed. By consistently using "I statements," you're essentially demonstrating how to express feelings and needs without blame, which your child then mirrors. This method doesn't just mend trust; it actively teaches empathy and emotional intelligence, crucial skills for cooperative interactions.)

Problem-Solve Together

While respectful communication might help you manage smaller conflicts, you may need additional tools for bigger conflicts. Clarke-Fields advocates for a strategy she calls “win-win problem solving.”

Win-win problem solving is a collaborative approach to resolving conflicts that ensures everyone's needs are met rather than having one person begrudgingly concede to the other. According to Clarke-Fields, this method helps find solutions that everyone’s happy with.

Win-win problem solving includes the following steps:

1. Identify everyone’s needs. Write them down. This helps your child recognize that you believe their needs are important. Sometimes needs are presented as solutions. For example, “I need to get my driver’s license” may be your child’s solution to “I need independence.” You may need to help your child discover an underlying need.

2. Brainstorm as many solutions to the conflict as possible. Encourage your child to present their ideas first. Write down every idea even if you don’t think they’re realistic or you disagree.

3. Identify which solutions meet both of your needs. Circle those solutions.

4. Discuss the solutions thoughtfully, and then choose one. Make sure to add any details that need clarification, especially if there are deadlines or responsibilities to follow through on.

5. Check in on the solution at a later date to see if it’s still meeting everyone’s needs and if you need to make any adjustments.

The Foundation of Win-Win Problem-Solving

The concept of "win-win" problem-solving was popularized by Stephen R. Covey in his 1989 book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, where he introduces "Think Win-Win" as one of the key habits. However, the foundations of win-win problem-solving can be traced back to earlier works. Mary Parker Follett, an early 20th-century social worker and management consultant, introduced "integrative" or "win-win" solutions in conflict resolution. Additionally, Roger Fisher and William Ury expanded these principles in their 1981 book Getting to Yes, which outlines strategies for collaborative negotiation aimed at achieving win-win outcomes.

Unlike earlier versions of win-win problem-solving, Clarke-Fields's steps are simplified and more concrete, making them easier for children to understand and follow. For example, Clarke-Fields includes a specific step for visually evaluating solutions that meet both parties' needs and also stresses writing down needs and solutions.

Reconnect After Conflict

When you’ve had a conflict with your child, it’s important to reconnect afterward. This helps release tension in the moment and also builds a foundation of trust and understanding that strengthens your relationship in the long term.

(Shortform note: Psychologists John and Julie Gottman emphasize that the ability to repair after conflicts is crucial for maintaining a healthy and lasting relationship. Their research indicates that repair attempts play a vital role in restoring emotional connection and trust—which can be damaged during conflicts—demonstrating that both people care about each other's feelings and well-being. Often involving humor, affection, and a willingness to listen, these small acts of positivity counteract the effects of negative interactions. However, it’s not just about making the repair attempt; both people need to be receptive to and recognize these efforts, reinforcing their bond.)

Clarke-Fields suggests using Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh’s Beginning Anew framework as a tool for reconnection:

1. Start with appreciation. Begin by acknowledging your child's strengths and positive contributions to the family or the situation. This sets a positive tone and reminds both of you of the value each brings to the relationship.

2. Own your mistakes. Be open about any mistakes you made or things you wish you’d done differently. Expressing these regrets shows your child that it’s OK to make mistakes and that taking responsibility for them is what matters most.

3. Express hurt without blame. Tell your child how certain things they said or did made you feel. This is another opportunity to use "I-messages." Say “I felt sad when…” instead of “You made me sad by….” This avoids placing blame directly on them, reducing their need to be defensive, and opens up space for empathy.

Reconnecting after conflicts using this framework isn’t just about fixing a single issue—it’s an investment in your parent-child relationship's emotional depth and resilience for years ahead.

(Shortform note: Clarke-Fields offers a practical application of Thich Nhat Hanh’s "Beginning Anew" framework tailored specifically for parent-child relationships. However, she does not discuss one element of the original framework as articulated by Thich Nhat Hanh. The final step of the process involves both asking for and offering support and forgiveness. In this step, individuals are encouraged to share deeper, ongoing personal struggles or ingrained behavior patterns that stem from past experiences. By being open about these challenges, they enable those around them to gain a better understanding of their internal landscape and find ways to provide meaningful support. This final step may be appropriate depending on your child's age.)

Invest in Your Relationship With Your Child

According to Clarke-Fields, building your relationship with your child doesn’t happen all at once. It takes time. To strengthen your connection, she recommends two key practices: spending focused time with your child and creating a simple, low-stress environment at home.

Spend Intentional Time With Your Kids

Setting aside intentional time means actively carving out periods in your day exclusively for connecting with your child, undistracted by your to-do list or the messy house. This isn’t about squeezing them in between emails or chores; it’s about fully being there with them.

Focused play is a powerful tool for this. When you play with your child, giving them your full attention, it makes the play more enjoyable and deepens the bond between you. During these moments, engage with whatever activity they're interested in—whether that be building blocks, drawing, or storytelling—and don’t try to redirect their play or multitask.

Clarke-Fields recommends telling your child that you’re going to focus only on them. Then, set a timer, and do your best to only pay attention to them for that time period.

(Shortform note: Setting aside intentional time to play with your child, as recommended by Clarke-Fields, aligns closely with extensive research highlighting the profound benefits of play in child development. Play is not just a simple activity; it's a crucial part of learning and emotional growth. Engaging in focused play sessions where you give your undivided attention helps build strong, positive connections between you and your child. It aids in developing their social-emotional skills, cognitive abilities, and language skills—all foundational elements that contribute significantly to their overall development.)

Simplify Your Life

Clarke-Fields also explains that your home environment and schedule have an impact on your relationship with your child. Busy schedules and cluttered environments increase stress—both for you and your family. Simplifying your living space reduces distractions and stressors, making it easier for everyone to engage more deeply in mindful interactions.

(Shortform note: Busy schedules and cluttered environments increase stress due to their impact on cognitive load and emotional well-being. Constant busyness makes time management difficult, causing you to feel overwhelmed and have heightened stress levels. Similarly, cluttered spaces contribute to feelings of chaos and lack of control, exacerbating stress and anxiety. A study found that clutter in the home can trigger an elevation in cortisol, a hormone associated with stress, indicating the impact of physical disarray on psychological health. Together, these factors create a feedback loop that makes it increasingly difficult for you to achieve relaxation and mental clarity.)

To simplify your life, Clarke-Fields recommends taking time to simplify your stuff, simplify your schedule, and minimize screen time.

First, she suggests you declutter the house as a whole family. Choose toys and belongings that hold genuine value or bring joy; donate what no longer serves these purposes. She also recommends establishing predictable, realistic routines. Regular schedules reduce chaos. Make sure your schedule has plenty of time for free play, relaxation, and connection.

Decluttering While Parenting

Marie Kondo (The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up), known for her tidying expertise and the KonMari Method, has recently shifted her focus from maintaining a perfectly organized home to prioritizing quality time with her family.

Following the birth of her son in April 2021, she has adopted a more relaxed approach to clutter and emphasizes enjoying family moments over strict tidiness. Her 2023 book, Marie Kondo Kurashi at Home: How to Organize Your Space and Achieve Your Ideal Life, reflects this new perspective on balancing life's responsibilities with the joys of a growing family. Residing in California with her three children, Kondo promotes self-acceptance and flexibility in parenting—a significant evolution from her earlier views on meticulous home organization.

Finally, Clarke-Fields suggests minimizing screen time—for you and your kids. She explains that it’s up to you to model healthy behavior. She recommends having phone-free times or spaces that allow the whole family to disconnect from screens in order to be more present with each other.

The Family Media Use Plan

The Family Media Use Plan, developed by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), is a tool designed to help families manage and balance their use of digital devices and media. This personalized plan aims to ensure that screen time is used in a healthy way, promoting online safety and positive habits. Key components of the plan include designating media-free times and zones, such as during dinner or in bedrooms, to encourage family interaction and support healthy sleep routines. It also involves prioritizing responsibilities like homework, chores, and physical activity, ensuring these are not overshadowed by screen time. Additionally, the plan sets daily or weekly limits on recreational screen time, following AAP's guidelines for various age groups.

Families are encouraged to select high-quality, educational, or developmentally appropriate content and to engage with media together. Co-viewing allows parents to monitor what their children consume and facilitates discussions about their media experiences. This holistic approach helps families foster a balanced and mindful media environment.