PDF Summary:Power, by Shahida Arabi

Many of us have met someone who’s a little too vain and loves to show off—people often referred to as “narcissists.” However, despite this common understanding of narcissism as a mildly annoying personality trait, it can also be a severe clinical condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This type of narcissist—sometimes called a “malignant narcissist”—lacks empathy, has a grandiose sense of self, and often abuses their romantic partners, causing them long-term psychological distress.

In Power, researcher and abuse survivor Shahida Arabi describes the characteristics of malignant narcissists to help people avoid or end relationships with narcissists. She says understanding NPD is crucial because anyone can fall prey to narcissists, who often seem like ideal partners in the early stages.

In this guide, we’ll provide an overview of NPD, describe a narcissist’s signature manipulation strategies, and outline Arabi’s advice for healing after narcissistic abuse. We’ll also provide insight from other experts on how abuse impacts people psychologically and include tips that apply more broadly to navigating relationships and breakups.

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Gaslighting

The next common manipulation tactic of a narcissist is gaslighting, in which the abuser makes you feel like the abuse isn’t actually happening or that your negative reaction to their abuse is unwarranted. Arabi says they might achieve this with blatant denial, like “That never happened,” or by feigning innocence and implying that you’re overly sensitive. For example, they might use statements like “I didn’t know you would get so upset about that—I didn’t mean any harm,” even when they intentionally hurt and triggered you.

Arabi explains that this tactic is highly damaging because it makes you question whether the abuse is really happening and makes you feel ashamed for being too sensitive or critical. This ultimately gives the narcissist more ammunition to harm (an additional insecurity to target) and reduces your ability to call them out or hold them accountable.

(Shortform note: The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1944 film called Gaslight. In the movie, a man tries to manipulate his wife into feeling like she’s going insane by changing things around their house—including dimming and flickering gas lights in the attic—and then denying that anything happened. Since then, it’s been popularized as a term for this common type of manipulation. Experts assert that the people most likely to use this tactic are those with NPD, borderline personality disorder, and sociopathy. However, anyone can gaslight, even without an underlying mental illness, and people can also gaslight others without realizing what they’re doing.)

Drawing You Back Into the Relationship

Another manipulation strategy narcissists use to fulfill their incessant need for attention is a psychological term called “hoovering”—or sucking you back into the relationship. Arabi explains that narcissists will try to draw you back in not because they have any genuine remorse for their actions or love for you but because they want more from you. It’s a way of testing your boundaries—how far can the narcissist push you and still be able to continue the abuse?

In one form of this tactic, once you’ve distanced yourself from the narcissist or after the narcissist abandons you, they’ll lure you back with apologies, lies about their remorse, and promises to go back to the way things were at the beginning of the relationship. Arabi says the narcissist may also prey on your compassion or guilt you into returning through methods such as threatening self-harm.

(Shortform note: In the case of someone threatening self-harm, it’s important to seek advice from professionals who can determine whether the person is at risk and provide support. In other cases, if someone’s trying to manipulate you back into a relationship, there are several strategies that might be helpful to resist these tactics. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller provide advice for ending toxic relationships, such as getting friends and family to support you through the process, making a list of all the reasons you ended the relationship, and making sure you have a new safe and cozy place to stay if you were living with the ex-partner.)

Arabi warns that if you’ve ended things with the narcissist, they might stalk you after the breakup as a way of intimidating you, exerting control over your life, and provoking some kind of response. (Shortorm note: One piece of advice from experts is to contact law enforcement if a stalker threatens to hurt you or themselves. Other strategies for dealing with a stalker (even if they’re not a narcissist) are changing your routine and changing the locks on your doors if necessary, telling friends and family about it so they can act as witnesses, documenting any evidence of the stalking, and blocking and reporting the stalker on social media. It’s also important to avoid contact with the stalker since they’ll perceive any contact as encouragement.)

The Difference Between Narcissists and Emotionally Immature People

Arabi acknowledges that some of the manipulation tactics described in this section may seem similar to the behaviors of people who don’t have NPD. There are many people who string their partners along and dump them in inconsiderate ways, or are self-absorbed and don’t treat others with respect. Although some of these qualities overlap with emotionally immature people who don’t have NPD (who Arabi refers to as “toxic”), Arabi recommends simply walking away from anyone who demonstrates a pattern of these behaviors.

(Shortform note: Similar to Arabi, many resources for potential abuse victims focus on behaviors that serve as warning signs to leave an abusive relationship rather than determining a diagnosis for the abusive partner, which only psychologists can do. For example, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence provides a list of warning signs and common traits in abusers. In Why Does He Do That?, Bancroft goes a step further by saying that even if a person isn’t considered abusive, it’s best to end a relationship if you ever feel chronically mistreated, controlled, or silenced.)

Arabi adds that the key distinction between someone with NPD and someone who’s emotionally immature is that the narcissist is not just inconsiderate but incapable of feeling compassion, and they’re unlikely to want to change because they’re getting what they want by abusing other people. An emotionally immature person, on the other hand, does have the capacity to grow and evolve, especially when they come to terms with how their actions affect others.

Treatment for NPD

As Arabi suggests, many experts assert that NPD is difficult to treat because a narcissist is unlikely to think that anything’s wrong with them, and they often interact negatively with a therapist—either by manipulating them or lashing out at them.

One expert says that to change their behavior, a narcissist has to fulfill three requirements. They have to: 1) realize they have a serious problem and understand how it negatively affects others, 2) be motivated to improve their behavior because of the threat of consequences (such as losing their job or losing contact with their family), and 3) stay committed to therapy and the effort to change.

However, this expert writes that even if someone with NPD expresses a willingness to change, the attempt usually doesn’t last because they won’t engage in genuine self-reflection and take responsibility for their flaws.

Despite these challenges, one research article says that NPD patients can benefit from medications such as antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and antidepressants as well as long-term therapy that examines the relationship between the patient and the therapist.

On the other hand, experts suggest that unlike those with NPD, people who are emotionally immature have the capacity to change their behavior through self-reflection and working to control their reactions and improve their communication.

Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

Whether you’re in a relationship with a potential narcissist or have already ended a relationship with someone who demonstrates the behaviors we’ve discussed, Arabi offers advice on how to take back control of your life and begin to heal. Her biggest recommendation is to end the relationship and all contact with the narcissist, since this is the only way to definitively end the abuse. However, she also acknowledges the challenges of doing so.

In this section, we’ll cover her advice for ending, coping with, and healing from a relationship with a narcissist. She also recommends that throughout these healing strategies, you strive to have compassion for yourself by understanding that abuse is never your fault, and surround yourself with people who genuinely love you and will support you throughout your journey.

(Shortform note: If you tend to be hard on yourself, speak to and treat yourself like you would a close friend. For example, if your friend took the blame for being mistreated by someone, you’d likely comfort them and affirm that it’s not their fault rather than criticize them. To establish a strong support system, try casting a wide net by identifying friends and professionals who can help you with different areas of life. For example, there might be someone you turn to about work problems, someone you can talk with to process your traumatic experiences, and someone who supports you with childcare and parenting issues.)

Ending a Relationship With a Narcissist

According to Arabi, the only way to resolve narcissistic abuse is to leave the relationship and either end all contact with them (often referred to as “No Contact”) or do so as much as possible (“Low Contact”) if you have children together or need to communicate for some other reason. However, Arabi acknowledges that this can be extremely difficult in practice, for a variety of reasons, so a victim of narcissistic abuse should never feel ashamed for being afraid to leave or for taking “too long” to leave by other people’s standards.

(Shortform note: Relationship experts say that non-abusive relationships can also be difficult to move on from because it’s tempting to reach out again and feel validated by an ex-partner after breaking up. They say that even occasional contact through texts or meet-ups only prolongs the grief over the lost relationship. Therefore, some people assert that going no-contact is the best way to maintain healthy boundaries and move on from a relationship that didn’t work. No-contact should last for as long as either person needs it, so it could be temporary until both people have healed and moved on, or it could be for good. Since narcissists generally don’t respect boundaries, experts recommend going no-contact indefinitely for those situations.)

Some of the many reasons it can be difficult to end a relationship with an abusive narcissist include: the neurochemical addiction to the abuser due to the tactic of using intermittent rewards discussed earlier in the guide, “trauma bonding” (in which the victim forms a strong emotional connection with the abuser to cope with the abuse), fear of retaliation for leaving, a lack of financial independence or housing security, damage to the victim’s executive decision-making centers in the brain (caused by the abuse), and manipulation tactics tailored to win the victim over.

(Shortform note: On the flip side of this, one team of researchers analyzed the stories of abuse survivors to determine what spurs people to leave their abuser despite these challenges. They identified four factors that often contribute to this decision: accepting the reality of the situation (often by learning the terminology for what’s happening), being able to reconnect with loved ones and accept support, wanting to protect their children, and feeling exhausted by the fear and anxiety. Nonetheless, as Arabi suggests, both leaving and staying in the relationship can feel dangerous to an abuse victim, and one survey suggests that survivors return to their abuser 6.3 times on average before ending the relationship permanently.)

Coping in a Relationship With a Narcissist

Given the challenges inherent in ending a relationship with a narcissist, Arabi also provides some strategies to reinforce your sense of self and increase your ability to hold your partner accountable if you’re still in a relationship with a narcissist.

Document Abuse and Confide in a Trusted Person

The manipulation tactics from the previous section can cause self-doubt about who’s to blame for the abuse and whether your perception of it is accurate. Therefore, Arabi says it’s important to always document abuse by writing it down, recording audio, or telling a close friend or family member who can help affirm your experience and testify to it later if necessary. This will help you gain clarity on what happened and may provide evidence if you need to take legal action later.

(Shortform note: Some additional tips for documenting abuse include taking photos of any physical damage to yourself or your belongings, seeking medical care, and printing out messages and call logs. Experts also recommend storing these kinds of documentation somewhere the abuser is unlikely to access, like a backup hard drive or a password-protected online journal.)

Refuse to Engage

Arabi asserts that trying to reason with a narcissist is wasted effort because they don’t want to resolve conflict, they can’t empathize with you, and they won’t take responsibility for their faults. Therefore, the best way to cope when they launch a psychological attack is to refuse to engage by setting firm boundaries and sticking to simple, factual statements like, “What you said isn’t true, and I’m not continuing this conversation if you’re going to be disrespectful.”

(Shortform note: People also struggle to set and respect boundaries outside of abusive relationships, though to a lesser degree. In Essentialism, Greg McKeown provides some advice on how to push back against people who tend to ignore your boundaries by making unreasonable demands on your time and energy. He recommends refusing to constantly accept responsibility for other people’s problems (particularly in work settings), making a list of the types of requests you can accommodate, making a plan in advance for deflecting unreasonable requests, and creating a written agreement that outlines clear expectations.)

Post-Relationship Recovery

Arabi says that even after ending a relationship with a narcissist, the abuse may have long-lasting effects, such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Complex PTSD (CPTSD), low self-worth, erosion of your fundamental identity, cognitive dissonance (in which you try to reconcile differing perceptions of the abuser and the abuse), depression, and self-isolation. Because of these wide-ranging effects, healing can be a years-long process.

Long-Term Effects of Abuse and the Timeline for Healing

As Arabi points out, PTSD and CPTSD are two main long-term effects of narcissistic abuse, and they’re also common in abuse survivors in general. PTSD is a mental health condition caused by an extremely distressing event, and CPTSD is a condition usually caused by chronic or prolonged experiences of distress. Other experts support Arabi’s assertion that emotional abuse can lead to both types of this condition. Some of the common symptoms of PTSD and CPTSD include flashbacks, nightmares, and intense feelings of sadness, fear, and guilt. Compared to PTSD, CPTSD tends to result in greater difficulty managing emotions, interpersonal relationships, and low self-esteem.

In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk explains that victims of abuse are often haunted by the shame of their own actions or inaction during the traumatic experience rather than the atrocity of their abuser’s actions. Therefore, the trauma has a deep impact on their self-view and ability to interact with others. Additional long-term effects of emotional abuse can include aggression toward others, eating disorders, substance abuse, and lower performance at work or school.

Other experts agree with Arabi that healing from emotional abuse is a long-term process that varies for everyone. Some factors that can lengthen the timeline for healing include: physical and sexual abuse on top of emotional abuse, a lack of support system of family, friends, and a therapist, difficulty acknowledging the abuse, and a lower level of natural resilience.

Arabi writes that it’s important to be kind to yourself during this process by giving yourself plenty of time and allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions.

(Shortform note: In Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach provides tips for following Arabi’s advice of embracing even difficult emotions. She says you can accept negative feelings by first recognizing them through observation of what’s happening in your body and mind and then responding to the emotion with care and tenderness. To achieve the second part, ask yourself friendly and non-judgmental questions about what you’re experiencing, as if you’re asking a friend about their day.)

Arabi also recommends that you: 1) seek professional care, 2) practice self-care based on your personal preferences, and 3) do activities that stimulate feel-good brain chemicals.

Professional Care

During or after an abusive relationship, Arabi writes, it’s important to speak to professionals who can help you make a plan to protect your physical and psychological safety and obtain legal support if necessary. Arabi’s website Self-Care Haven provides some resources for urgent needs, such as a mental health crisis. In addition, mental health professionals can help you determine what care you need to treat trauma symptoms and other psychological effects.

(Shortform note: As mentioned earlier in the guide, Arabi explains that ending a relationship with an abusive partner can be extremely difficult, and there can be many similar barriers to seeking professional intervention or support. For example, victims may fear that they won’t be believed, feel ashamed or embarrassed about what’s happened to them, not recognize the abuse because of the psychological manipulation, think they need to override their own needs to care for their children, lack trust in the medical system or law enforcement, and fear retaliation if their partner finds out they told someone about the abuse. Given these challenges, it can make a big difference when a friend steps in to offer resources to someone they suspect is being abused.)

Outside of traditional Western medicine, there are also many alternative forms of treatment that may help with long-term recovery. These include reiki healing (in which someone uses their hands to heal your spiritual energy), self-hypnosis (to improve your confidence and self-image), eye movement desensitization (a multistep process that uses rapid eye movements to counteract the effects of traumatic memories), and the emotional freedom technique (involves tapping specific points on your body to release blocked energy).

(Shortform note: Some researchers assert that these types of techniques—referred to as “complementary and alternative medicine” (CAM)—are particularly useful for treating PTSD in patients who don’t get the desired result from conventional treatments or who experience negative side effects from pharmaceutical treatments (like antidepressants). As the term CAM implies, they can either be used in place of or in conjunction with other types of therapies depending on the individual needs of the patient.)

Self-Care

Arabi asserts that in addition to seeking professional care, there are numerous avenues for healing through strategies you can do on your own or with non-medical practitioners. These methods offer ways to regain your confidence, practice self-compassion, and process your experience and emotions. Some can be done individually or with validating, supportive people who value you and won’t judge or blame you for your abuse.

Arabi’s suggestions include: spending time in nature, music therapy, support groups, reciting positive affirmations, practicing a religion, art therapy, narrative therapy (where you learn to re-frame the traumatic events in an empowering way), yoga, and inner child work (where you give yourself the soothing affirmation you didn’t receive as a child).

(Shortform note: In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie defines self-care as living responsibly by being mindful of your needs, wants, emotions, and responsibilities toward yourself and others. Therefore, in addition to using the self-improvement and self-soothing strategies that Arabi describes, Beattie’s definition includes detaching from others by avoiding taking responsibility for their needs. One way to do this is to regularly ask yourself, “What do I want or need in this moment?” Although Beattie’s advice is targeted toward codependent relationships and relationships in general, her recommendation may also apply to victims of abuse who feel responsible for the well-being or feelings of their abuser.)

Healthy Activities That Stimulate Feel-Good Brain Chemicals

The next type of care Arabi recommends is seeking out healthy activities that will stimulate the release of feel-good brain chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin. This strategy is helpful because you may experience withdrawal from these chemicals after leaving a narcissistic partner, and these activities replace your biochemical addiction to the narcissist with safer activities that you’re in control of.

(Shortform note: Although substance use (including drugs and alcohol) may also provide temporary relief and a sense of control to victims and survivors of abuse, experts assert that it’s an unsafe way to cope with symptoms of trauma. This is because substance use exacerbates mental illness (like PTSD and depression), lowers self-esteem, and can cause additional health and financial problems that would hinder progress toward healing. In addition, abusers often weaponize substances by fostering an addiction in their victims that can be used to further control them.)

Oxytocin is a hormone that’s released from bonding with people through some kind of physical intimacy. Arabi says that if you associate oxytocin with a narcissist ex-partner, it’s helpful to find new ways to boost oxytocin such as cuddling with animals or other loved ones, hugging yourself, dating casually, and spending time with trusted friends. (Shortform: Some researchers add that oxytocin contributes to psychological stability, trust, and relaxation—functions that are all important for healing after abuse. Other ways of boosting oxytocin are by singing in a group and exercising.)

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that makes us feel happy—a chemical you may have previously received from intermittent kindness from a narcissistic partner in between the emotional abuse. Adrenaline is a hormone produced as a fear response (which you may have gotten from the constant fear that your narcissistic partner would lash out at you), and it also has an antidepressant effect.

Arabi says that instead of getting your fill of these chemicals from an ex-partner, you can find new sources by trying new, scary activities like extreme sports, traveling to a new country, or going on a roller coaster. Doing things spontaneously will also increase the rush of pleasure you get from trying something new.

(Shortform note: While Arabi focuses on fulfilling your need for these feel-good chemicals for healing purposes, others warn against falling into the trap of compulsively seeking out these kinds of neurochemicals to your own detriment. For example, in Dopamine Nation, Anna Lembke explains how to take back control of your behavior when the desire for dopamine leads you to overindulge in things like social media and junk food. This suggests that an element of moderation may also be an important aspect of finding new sources of dopamine and adrenaline.)

Serotonin is another hormone that stabilizes your mood and self-esteem, and Arabi writes that low levels of serotonin can cause you to mentally fixate on your ex-partner. She recommends increasing your serotonin levels by spending time in the sunlight, taking B-vitamin supplements, getting massages, focusing on happy memories, exercising, and taking medications that can be prescribed by a mental health professional.

(Shortform note: Research shows that serotonin also encourages prosocial behavior (like not wanting to harm others) and reduces aggression, which may explain why serotonin-modulating medications are used to treat symptoms of NPD.)