PDF Summary:On Becoming Pre-Toddlerwise, by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam

As a parent, you have an instrumental role in guiding your child through the pivotal pre-toddler phase—when they start walking, teething, and learning to communicate. On Becoming Pre-Toddlerwise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam provides strategies for fostering healthy development and managing behavioral changes during this transitional period.

This guide outlines techniques to adapt routines like feedings, naps, and discipline as your child grows more mobile and curious. It also highlights the significance of creating nurturing environments, setting appropriate limits, and involving both parents in cultivating a secure foundation for lifelong growth.

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To reduce outbursts and frustration due to challenges in communication, the authors recommend instructing children in the use of hand signals to express themselves before they can talk. Teaching a pre-toddler to use basic hand signals for essential phrases like "Please," "Thank You," and "All done" equips them with a way to convey their desires before they have the ability to articulate those needs with words. Teaching toddlers sign language provides them with the tools to politely express their needs rather than insisting on them.

The authors suggest strengthening appropriate sign language by employing logical consequences. Ensuring that children demonstrate gratitude by using the sign for "Thank You" or wait to have their needs met until they use the sign for "Please" reinforces the significance of these actions and solidifies the anticipated communicative behavior. The authors highlight that sign language serves not only to meet immediate communication requirements but also acts as a beneficial instrument for subsequent disciplinary measures.

Other Perspectives

• While setting regular patterns and limits is important, it's also crucial to adapt to the individual needs of each child, as rigid structures may not suit every temperament or developmental stage.
• Overemphasis on minimizing distractions could potentially limit a child's exposure to varied stimuli, which is important for their cognitive and sensory development.
• The Funnel Factor strategy may not account for the unique pace at which different children develop self-regulation skills, and some may find the imposed limits too restrictive or not challenging enough.
• The recommendation to have the baby adjust to the family's existing schedule might not always be practical or in the best interest of the child's or family's well-being, as infants and pre-toddlers often have different sleep and feeding needs.
• Time-outs and other forms of isolation might not be effective for all children and can sometimes lead to feelings of abandonment or heightened anxiety.
• The use of natural consequences might not always be understood by pre-toddlers, as they may not have the cognitive ability to connect the consequence with the behavior.
• While teaching sign language can be beneficial, it's important to ensure that it doesn't replace the need for verbal communication or become a crutch that delays speech development.
• Phasing out pacifiers and bottles requires a nuanced approach, as some children may need these comforting items longer for emotional development reasons, and abrupt removal could cause distress.
• Not all families may have the time or resources to effectively teach sign language, and alternative communication methods should be considered.

Role of Parents, Especially Fathers

A young child's well-being and development before reaching toddler age are significantly influenced by a father's active involvement and emotional connection.

The active involvement of a father plays a crucial role in shaping the social and emotional growth of a child during their early years, as highlighted by Ezzo and Bucknam. Fathers play a crucial role in the family by actively supporting their partners and fostering an environment of love and respect, which serves as a solid foundation for the family structure.

Fathers play a pivotal role in nurturing their child's emotional well-being through demonstrations of tenderness, affection, and respect.

The book underscores the importance of the tactile bond established by a father as a primary way to convey love and support. Fathers frequently build bonds with their offspring through tactile interactions, verbal exchanges or vocalizations, and by establishing visual connections.

The authors emphasize the significant comfort, love, and security that a child experiences through the physical contact of a father. A child's self-esteem and emotional regulation are positively influenced by regular, loving physical touch, especially when provided by their fathers.

Fathers who actively participate by providing reassuring physical contact and supportive words contribute to their pre-toddlers' development of a sense of security and confidence.

The authors believe a father's love is best shown through a balanced combination of physical touch, spoken words, and expressive looks. Ezzo and Bucknam suggest that fathers should often express their love to their little ones by hugging them, cradling them softly, and giving them gentle pecks.

The authors highlight the crucial influence that fathers have in enhancing their child's emotional growth by employing encouraging and validating words. Fathers play a crucial role in shaping their child's self-esteem and perspective on life with their supportive words and gentle actions.

Parents must work together to establish a stable and nurturing environment for their young child who is not yet a toddler.

Ezzo and Bucknam emphasize the importance of consistency and unity in every aspect of raising a child.

It is essential for parents to maintain uniformity in their approach to discipline and to present a united front when interacting with their young child.

Ezzo and Bucknam emphasize the necessity for parents to apply a unified strategy persistently throughout the early developmental phase of their child. This involves open communication and discussion about discipline strategies, ensuring consistency in expectations and responses to challenging behaviors. By maintaining a consistent and united approach, parents reduce the likelihood that their child will take advantage of any discrepancies in their parenting to gain an advantage.

Ezzo and Bucknam recommend a balanced strategy that utilizes the distinct abilities and inclinations of every parent to maintain a consistent message for their children. They work together to create a nurturing environment that consistently strengthens the emotional health of the young one.

Engaging in shared meals and activities strengthens the bond between parents and their offspring, fostering beneficial growth in their social skills.

The authors emphasize the importance of shared family meals as essential moments for reinforcing relationships, encouraging dialogue, and fostering unity. The authors stress the importance of fathers being completely attentive and involved during dinner time with their family.

Mealtimes provide children with a chance to improve their conversational skills, listen carefully to others, and learn the self-control required to wait for their turn to speak, which are all crucial for their social development. This shared time strengthens the connection between parents and their offspring while demonstrating constructive communication habits.

Other Perspectives

• While a father's involvement is important, it is not the only factor that influences a child's well-being and development; other factors such as the child's environment, education, and peer interactions also play significant roles.
• The role of fathers is culturally and personally variable; in some families and cultures, other relatives or individuals may also provide critical emotional and developmental support to children.
• The emphasis on the father's role should not diminish the importance of the mother's or other caregivers' roles in a child's development; a holistic approach that recognizes the contributions of all caregivers is essential.
• The idea that fathers should express love through physical touch, spoken words, and expressive looks may not account for different parenting styles and the diverse ways that individuals express affection.
• The concept of maintaining uniformity in discipline can be too rigid and may not allow for the flexibility needed to adapt to the unique and changing needs of each child.
• The recommendation for parents to present a united front might oversimplify complex family dynamics and not acknowledge healthy disagreement and the value of exposing children to diverse viewpoints.
• The focus on shared meals and activities, while beneficial, may not consider the challenges some families face, such as conflicting work schedules or other commitments that impact family time.
• The text may inadvertently create pressure or a sense of inadequacy for fathers who, for various reasons, cannot be as involved as the text suggests they should be.
• The narrative may not fully address the needs of non-traditional families, such as single-parent households, same-sex parents, or families where grandparents or other relatives are the primary caregivers.

Parenting Principles and Approaches

The concept of the "funnel" underscores the need to balance the freedoms afforded to young children with their ability to self-regulate.

Ezzo and Bucknam deem "The Funnel Factor" crucial in understanding how to balance a child's natural inclination towards independence with their capacity for self-control. They emphasize the need to find a middle ground that fosters independence while setting appropriate boundaries cognizant of the child's developmental phase.

Granting pre-toddlers a level of autonomy beyond their capacity can hinder their developmental advancement.

When pre-toddlers experience more freedom than their maturity permits, it often results in a state of developmental bewilderment, necessitating an increased level of parental direction. A child allowed to explore their surroundings without limits might find it challenging to understand the notion of boundaries when their behavior leads to hazardous or troublesome situations.

Ambiguity in boundaries may lead to confusion, which can hinder young children from properly learning and adopting appropriate behavior. Ezzo and Bucknam emphasize that this type of chaos can manifest as defiance, severe outbursts, or a general reluctance to follow instructions, thereby increasing tension and interfering with the daily schedules of both the children and their caregivers.

Creating a tranquil atmosphere by setting appropriate limits that align with the child's developmental stage and providing chances for intellectual development.

The authors advocate for a parenting approach that functions within set limits. This involves carefully calibrating the freedoms afforded to a child in alignment with their current level of self-control. As the young one demonstrates more responsible behavior and improved judgement, parents can incrementally expand their liberties, thus creating a setting that fosters the child's self-assurance and sense of value.

They believe that a parenting strategy characterized by well-defined boundaries may reduce the need for frequent correction. By minimizing situations that require parental correction, parents can cultivate a serene environment with fewer conflicts and more chances for constructive and affirmative interactions.

Establishing positive routines early on can have a greater effect than attempting to modify behaviors later.

Ezzo and Bucknam emphasize the importance of instilling positive habits early on in parenting, rather than having to address and correct negative behaviors later.

Establishing structured routines, creating specific times for play, and maintaining an orderly environment are key to promoting development in children who are navigating the pre-toddler stage.

Gary Ezzo emphasizes the importance of a consistent routine that incorporates specific times for meals, active periods, and sleep. Creating consistent routines reduces stress and makes it easier for children to understand and meet expectations. They advocate for a harmonious mix of structured activities guided by the caregiver and impromptu play, where the child independently chooses from a selection of permissible toys within a designated play area, thus fostering self-regulation and creating an orderly setting.

The authors suggest selecting playthings that are suitable for the child's developmental phase to encourage exploration, creative play, and the improvement of skills. Toys that encourage active involvement, creativity, and the development of problem-solving abilities are favored over battery-operated ones that limit direct interaction. They believe that a purposeful approach to play can boost a child's learning abilities and diminish the need for constant supervision and direction.

Guiding the inquisitive nature of a pre-toddler towards diverse areas can positively influence their inherent inclination to investigate.

Ezzo and Bucknam recommend guiding a pre-toddler's natural curiosity towards constructive activities instead of often suppressing it. Provide your child with a different container of water placed in an appropriate location if they are fascinated by the dog's water dish. The child is provided with a chance to explore their interests within an environment that is structured to minimize chaos and deter negative behaviors.

Introducing a variety of activities not only diverts their focus but also educates them on suitable methods of exploration, which reduces the need for frequent intervention.

Context

• The "funnel" concept in parenting, as discussed by Ezzo and Bucknam, emphasizes the need to balance a child's freedom with their ability to self-regulate. It suggests gradually narrowing the scope of freedom as a child grows and develops self-control, akin to a funnel that starts wide and tapers down. This approach aims to provide children with autonomy while also setting appropriate boundaries based on their developmental stage, fostering independence within a structured framework. The concept underscores the importance of finding a middle ground between granting freedom and establishing limits to support a child's growth and understanding of boundaries.
• Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam are known for their parenting philosophy outlined in books like "On Becoming Babywise." They emphasize structured routines, setting boundaries, and gradually increasing a child's autonomy based on their developmental stage. Their approach focuses on fostering independence while providing guidance and limits to help children develop self-control and positive behaviors. Ezzo and Bucknam advocate for creating a peaceful environment through consistent routines, purposeful play, and guiding children's curiosity towards constructive activities. Their principles aim to reduce conflicts, promote learning, and empower both children and caregivers in the parenting journey.
• "Pre-toddlers" typically refers to children who are in the stage between infancy and toddlerhood, usually around 12 to 24 months old. This developmental phase is characterized by increased mobility, curiosity, and emerging independence. Pre-toddlers are transitioning from being infants to becoming more active explorers of their environment. This stage is crucial for laying the foundation for future learning and behavior development.
• Setting appropriate limits aligned with a child's developmental stage involves establishing boundaries and rules that are suitable for the child's age and level of understanding. This approach helps children feel secure and understand what is expected of them as they grow and develop. By adjusting limits based on a child's abilities and maturity, parents can provide guidance and structure that supports the child's learning and behavior. It's about finding a balance between giving children freedom to explore and learn within safe boundaries that promote their growth and development.
• The emphasis on structured routines for pre-toddlers highlights the importance of consistent schedules for activities like meals, playtime, and sleep. These routines help children understand expectations, reduce stress, and promote a sense of security. By following a structured routine, parents can create a stable environment that supports the child's development and encourages self-regulation. This approach aims to provide a balance between caregiver-guided activities and independent play, fostering a harmonious and orderly setting for the child.
• Selecting suitable toys for a child's developmental phase is crucial as it supports their growth and learning. Toys that match a child's abilities and interests can enhance their cognitive, physical, and social skills. Age-appropriate toys can stimulate creativity, problem-solving, and imagination in children. Providing toys that align with a child's developmental stage can promote engagement, exploration, and overall development.
• Guiding a pre-toddler's curiosity towards constructive activities involves directing their natural inclination to explore and learn towards beneficial and safe experiences. This can include providing age-appropriate toys, activities, and environments that stimulate their curiosity in a positive way. By offering engaging and educational opportunities, parents can help channel the child's inquisitiveness into productive learning experiences, fostering their development and reducing the likelihood of engaging in potentially harmful or disruptive behaviors. This approach aims to encourage exploration and discovery within a structured and supportive setting, promoting the child's cognitive and emotional growth.

Regarding the growth phase of children who are about to enter the toddler years.

Instilling proper dental care habits during a child's formative years is crucial for ensuring lifelong oral health.

Ezzo and Bucknam emphasize the importance of ensuring oral hygiene in young children as an integral part of their overall health. Establishing strong habits for dental care early on lays the groundwork for maintaining healthy teeth and ensuring smiles that last a lifetime.

Instilling habits of good oral hygiene from a young age and maintaining consistent visits to the dentist are crucial measures to prevent dental cavities in children.

The authors recommend arranging a child's first dental check-up upon the appearance of the initial tooth or prior to the child turning one year old. Regular dental check-ups for even the youngest children can help evaluate potential risks for cavities and provide parents with guidance on proper toothbrushing techniques as well as dietary choices that promote oral health. They recommend initiating oral hygiene with a toothbrush to maintain cleanliness in the mouth and suggest consulting with a dentist prior to the application of fluoride toothpaste to avoid the risk of excessive ingestion that could negatively impact the child's teeth and digestive health.

Maintaining primary teeth is crucial as they guide the future adult teeth into place, a point stressed by Ezzo and Bucknam. They underscore the necessity of initiating dental hygiene practices early on to avert pain and the potential need for intricate dental treatments later in life.

Should a child's drinking water be deficient in fluoride, supplementation may be required.

The authors stress the significance of utilizing fluoridated water to reduce the risk of tooth decay in children. Consult with a dentist to determine if your child requires additional fluoride, especially if their main source of hydration is water from bottles that typically does not contain fluoride. Ezzo and Bucknam highlight the significance of tooth decay in early childhood as a considerable concern for public health, often due to delayed first dental visits and a lack of adequate fluoride intake.

They firmly believe that starting oral hygiene habits early is essential for lifelong dental health, encompassing a nutritious diet and the correct amount of fluoride.

Settings such as preschool, designed for social engagement, may not consistently serve the developmental needs of pre-toddlers to the fullest extent.

Ezzo and Bucknam emphasize the value of preschools and daycares for households where parents work, but they also warn that excessive time spent in organized social settings at a young age could impede the development of children.

Children at this early stage of development often do not benefit from being in structured group environments because they are naturally self-centered.

The writers observe that the perspective of pre-toddlers is often shaped by their immediate wants and necessities. Placing them among numerous self-focused children may not result in genuine social benefits, as they are not yet capable of empathy or cooperative play.

Ezzo and Bucknam believe that many structured programs for young children often emphasize academic learning too heavily, thrusting kids into learning environments that are not aligned with their developmental level. Frustration and pressure might arise, potentially obstructing rather than supporting the natural educational progression of a young one.

Supervised, limited playdates with like-minded families can provide healthier socialization opportunities.

Ezzo and Bucknam emphasize the importance of social interaction and suggest organizing short social gatherings at someone's residence as an alternative to preschool, recommending that such events occur no more than twice weekly. They recommend forming playgroups with children whose families share comparable principles. Children who have not yet reached toddlerhood can engage in beneficial social exchanges in a setting that is organized and consistent, which supports their emotional well-being and minimizes the potential for negative peer impact.

In the pre-toddler stage, thumb sucking usually isn't a major concern.

Ezzo and Bucknam view thumb sucking as a common behavior among pre-toddlers that typically decreases on its own. While it's natural for parents to be concerned about certain behaviors, the authors recommend avoiding harsh disciplinary measures during this developmental phase.

Attempts to halt thumb-sucking frequently prove unsuccessful and may result in avoidable power struggles.

Ezzo and Bucknam propose that thumb sucking in children is a natural reflexive action for sucking and serves as a way for them to comfort themselves, particularly during times of stress, fatigue, or relaxation, and it is not considered a significant health concern during this phase of their development. The authors stress that societal disapproval or potential consequences, like dental issues stemming from persistent thumb sucking, do not sway the behavior of pre-toddlers.

They recommend avoiding confrontations when attempting to stop this behavior, as these clashes can be futile and may lead to undue tension between caregivers and their offspring.

Parents should focus on establishing various behavioral boundaries and delay addressing thumb sucking until the child enters the toddler phase.

Ezzo and Bucknam highlight the importance of setting basic behavioral boundaries, including following directions and respecting household rules, and suggest waiting to address thumb sucking until the child has a greater capacity for self-control.

To deter thumb sucking, the authors suggest gently removing the child's thumb from their mouth and quietly advising, "Thumb not now." As their child nears the age of three, parents have the opportunity to establish rules regarding the appropriate times and places for thumb sucking. To regulate this behavior, one can confine the act of thumb sucking to the area where the child sleeps, with the ultimate goal of permitting it only during times of rest in bed, thus gradually reducing the frequency of the child's thumb sucking.

Other Perspectives

• While early dental care is important, some argue that too much emphasis on dental perfection can lead to anxiety around dental visits and an unhealthy preoccupation with appearance.
• The importance of maintaining primary teeth is clear, but some dental professionals point out that not all primary teeth issues will affect the alignment of permanent teeth, and overtreatment should be avoided.
• Regular dental check-ups are beneficial, but there is a debate about the appropriate frequency of these visits for young children, with some suggesting that too-frequent visits may not be necessary and could contribute to dental anxiety.
• The recommendation for fluoridated water is contested by some who raise concerns about the potential for fluoride overexposure and its associated risks, advocating for a more individualized approach to fluoride supplementation.
• The critique of preschool settings may overlook the benefits of early socialization and structured learning environments that many children thrive in, and which can be crucial for the development of certain social and cognitive skills.
• The assertion that children in structured group environments do not benefit due to their self-centered nature may be too broad, as some children may indeed develop empathy and cooperative skills earlier with the right guidance.
• The suggestion for limited playdates may not consider the diverse social needs of all children, and some may benefit from more frequent social interactions.
• The view on thumb sucking as a self-limiting behavior may not take into account that for some children, persistent thumb sucking can lead to dental issues that require intervention.
• The advice to delay addressing thumb sucking until the toddler phase may not be suitable for all children, as earlier intervention might be necessary in some cases to prevent long-term dental problems.