PDF Summary:Not Nice, by Aziz Gazipura

Have you ever found yourself saying yes when you really meant no? Or perhaps you've noticed the weight of unspoken resentment while agreeing to something that you don’t want to do…again? If these scenarios strike a chord, you're not alone. In Not Nice, psychologist Aziz Gazipura critiques our cultural fixation on niceness, suggesting that both individuals and society would benefit from being less nice. Gazipura aims to free people from the trap of constant people-pleasing and empower them to build meaningful connections, all while maintaining a healthy focus on their own well-being and needs.

In this guide, we’ll explain how Gazipura defines “nice” and why he believes being nice is such a problem. We’ll go into more detail about what nice looks like in action and outline how you can stop being nice in your personal and professional life. We’ll also add to Gazipura’s argument by exploring how culture and gender shape our understanding of niceness and explain how it’s possible to stop being nice while still being kind.

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According to Gazipura, your internal feelings (your likes, dislikes, opinions, and intuition) inform your boundaries. Therefore, establishing boundaries begins with knowing yourself better, starting with what you want.

Know What You Want

Knowing what you want and being able to ask for it is a good thing. But being nice often means prioritizing what other people want. When you become overly accustomed to prioritizing other people's desires, it can become challenging to differentiate between your wants and the wants of others.

(Shortform note: Enmeshment is a psychological term that describes a relationship in which people struggle to differentiate their needs from the needs of another person. People who are in an enmeshed relationship may feel like they have no sense of self or identity outside of their relationships. They may also feel like they're responsible for the emotions and wellbeing of another. Enmeshment can occur between friends, family members, or romantic partners.)

If you struggle to determine what you want, Gazipura suggests thinking about what you don’t want first, which is often easier to articulate. Once you know what you don’t like, you can start to consider what you want instead. For example, if you dislike the monotony of your current job, you might realize that you want a career that offers more variety in your daily responsibilities.

(Shortform note: People often find it easier to come up with what they don’t like because of humans’ innate negativity bias, or the tendency to give more weight to negative experiences and information than positive ones. This psychological pattern makes us more attuned to, and affected by, negative events. While negativity bias allows us to more easily identify things we don’t like, it also causes us to ruminate on minor issues, fret over perceived negative impressions made on others, and have our mood and thoughts linger on negative comments, even when surrounded by positive affirmations and experiences.)

Know What You Think

Knowing what you think begins with exploring your thoughts and feelings about things that matter in your life. But according to Gazipura, knowing what you think is only half the battle; you also have to acknowledge that your opinion is valid.

(Shortform note: While Gazipura highlights a challenge that many people face, women are more likely to doubt the validity of their opinions than men. Studies in cognitive psychology have shown that even though men and women have comparable intelligence levels, men systematically give higher ratings to their own intelligence than women do. This phenomenon is referred to as the “male hubris, female humility effect," and often results in women doubting the validity of their opinion.)

Gazipura writes that being clear on your opinions is harder if you assume everyone else knows more than you do. It’s common (especially for people pleasers) to give other people’s opinions extra weight, assuming they're smarter or more informed. Avoid confusing certainty with accuracy. When someone comes across as certain about something, consider where their information comes from. You can consider other people’s opinions without always deferring to them.

(Shortform note: Gazipura warns against accepting other people’s certainty, but neurologist Robert Burton also cautions against being overly certain of our own beliefs. He explains that certainty bias, a cognitive bias characterized by overestimating the accuracy or validity of one's beliefs and judgments, is dangerous because it can lead people to make critical decisions based on unwarranted confidence. People are especially prone to certainty bias during times of confusion, anxiety, or information overload.)

Know What You Control

When you’re overly concerned about how others feel, it’s easy to feel responsible for their emotions. However, their feelings aren't your responsibility—you can't control people’s emotional reactions. Taking responsibility is also unrealistic and disrespectful because you unintentionally treat someone as incapable of handling their emotions. Instead, Gazipura recommends treating everyone as a fully functioning adult who'll inevitably feel a range of emotions.

(Shortform note: When overly preoccupied with others' feelings, it's easy to inadvertently assume responsibility for their emotions. Yet, as Martin Buber emphasizes in his seminal work I and Thou, authentic interactions entail recognizing and truly seeing another person without attempting to change or control them. Such genuine encounters go beyond mere superficial exchanges, delving into a profound, mutual recognition that respects the individual's autonomy, emotional agency, and complex humanity. Gazipura's advice to view everyone as a fully functioning adult aligns with this philosophy, suggesting a deep, respectful acknowledgment of each person's individual humanity.)

If you find yourself constantly feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, Gazipura offers several strategies:

1. Sitting With Emotions is a meditative exercise you can do anytime you're feeling guilt or anxiety about how someone else is feeling. When these feelings arise, close your eyes and bring your attention to where your discomfort is sitting in your body—maybe it’s knots in your stomach, a constriction in your throat, or tension in your jaw. Breathe deeply while focusing on the physical sensation of the emotion, and then try to soften the area of tension. As you practice sitting with your own discomfort, you’ll find that it’s not as scary as you imagined and the feelings become easier to manage over time.

(Shortform note: As you sit with difficult emotions, it can be helpful to remind yourself that there are no bad emotions. In her TED Talk, psychologist Susan David explains that all our emotions, including guilt and anxiety, are natural and a crucial part of personal growth and fulfillment.)

2. The Personal Bubble is a visualization that can help you stop taking responsibility for people’s feelings. When you first wake up, or as you go through your day, imagine a giant translucent bubble around your body. The bubble is semi-permeable, is in your control, and can let in connection, love, and excitement, while blocking judgment and anxiety. Imagining this bubble can help you empathize with others’ feelings without taking them on as your own.

(Shortform note: Just as you can imagine your bubble being semi-permeable, you may also imagine your personal bubble changing in size depending on your environment or the people around you. Edward T. Hall, an anthropologist who studied how people use space in their interactions, posited four different levels of personal space: intimate distance (touch to 18 inches) reserved for close relationships; personal distance (1.5 to 4 feet) for close interactions with friends, colleagues, and acquaintances; social distance (4 to 12 feet) for more formal interactions; and public distance (over 12 feet), used for interactions with large groups of people, such as lectures, concerts, and sporting events.)

3. The Pattern Interrupt is a practice of noticing your tendency to take responsibility, and then changing your behavior. First, notice when other people’s feelings are making you feel guilty or anxious. After you notice your instinctive response, intentionally introduce a new one. Maybe when someone else is feeling strong emotions, you take a few deep breaths, or say to yourself, “I am not responsible for their feelings.” The goal is to find a new behavior to replace the old one and implement it until it becomes a habit.

(Shortform note: Pattern Interrupt is a specific technique commonly used within the field of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP emphasizes the role of language and communication in shaping our experiences and mental states. Pattern Interrupts often involve verbal communication or cognitive techniques to disrupt and reframe unproductive thought patterns or limiting beliefs.)

While you're not responsible for others' feelings, you can still provide support during tough times. Gazipura explains that challenging emotions often arise from unmet core needs such as certainty, connection, and contribution. He recommends asking questions to help others identify these unmet needs and explore ways to support them in fulfilling those needs.

(Shortform note: To better understand these core needs, one can refer to theories such as Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and ERG Theory, which portray human needs in hierarchical layers from basic physical needs to self-fulfillment. Conversely, models like McClelland’s Theory of Needs emphasize specific needs such as achievement, power, and affiliation.)

Step 4: Prioritize Yourself

The next step in unlearning niceness is prioritizing yourself. You're responsible for your needs. No one else will meet them. Practice asking yourself what you want and need and how to get it. If you have a long history of being nice, you might think this sounds selfish, but selfishness is a matter of perspective. According to Gazipura, it exists on a spectrum, from self-sacrificing (too nice) to thoughtlessly selfish (only caring about oneself). He advocates the middle ground: healthy self-interest.

(Shortform note: The idea of healthy self-interest has implications beyond personal development. Economist Adam Smith, author of The Wealth of Nations, also advocated self-interest, stressing the importance of fulfilling individual needs within societal contexts. Smith's economic framework shows that responsible self-interest, when balanced with social responsibility, can lead to overall societal prosperity, akin to Gazipura's ideas about personal growth and well-being.)

Gazipura says that the problem is that after being nice for so long, you may no longer be a good judge of what selfish looks like. If you’re not sure, think through the cost-benefit analysis of your decision—how much you want something versus how much it will impact the people around you. If you don’t want something that much, or if the impact on someone else is too high, reconsider or brainstorm how to meet your needs another way. But if you really want something and other people are minimally impacted, go for it.

(Shortform note: The idea of cost-benefit analysis has its origins in the utilitarian philosophy that emerged in the 18th and 19th centuries. Pioneered by philosophers Jeremy Bentham and John Stuart Mill, utilitarianism asserts that the best actions are those that maximize overall happiness and minimize overall suffering. This essentially means assessing the collective good derived from an action against its potential drawbacks or costs. When applied in everyday decisions, as suggested by Gazipura, it involves gauging how much you value a particular outcome against the potential repercussions it might have on others. In essence, it's a balance between individual desires and the broader implications of those choices.)

Start by Saying No

A part of prioritizing yourself is learning to say no. Saying no will improve every aspect of your life. Saying no to nonessential tasks at work keeps you focused on the things that matter most, and saying no in your personal life allows you to do the things you want instead of wasting time on the things you don’t.

(Shortform note: If you’re used to saying yes, it can be hard to know when you should say no. The Pareto Principle, or the 80/20 rule, provides guidance, proposing that 80% of your results come from only 20% of your efforts. Evaluating your activities and commitments with this principle in mind helps discern which actions truly yield substantial outcomes versus those that monopolize your time with little reward. By zeroing in on the crucial 20% and saying no or delegating the rest, you can channel your energy into the most fruitful aspects of your life—for example, prioritizing friendships that enhance your wellbeing over those that don't.)

So why is it so scary to say no? According to Gazipura, this fear stems from patterns of insecure attachment that manifest as insecurity in relationships. We aren’t afraid of saying no, but we’re afraid that saying no will make someone reject or abandon us. But saying no doesn't damage the relationship, being inauthentic does. Authenticity allows for genuine connections because it ensures that both parties are expressing their true selves and respecting each other's boundaries.

How to Say No

Knowing you should say no doesn’t necessarily make it easier. In Essentialism, Greg McKeown outlines specific strategies to say no more effectively.

1. Be gracious. You can express gratitude for the offer, even if you decline. For example, "Thank you for thinking of me, but I won't be able to commit to that at this time."

2. Pause before committing. Instead of immediately agreeing to requests, take a moment to reflect. This pause allows you to assess whether the opportunity aligns with your priorities and capacity. You can use phrases like, "Let me check my schedule" or "I need some time to think about it" to give yourself time to evaluate.

3. Respond with a “No, but…” Rather than a flat rejection, consider offering alternatives or compromises. This approach can help maintain relationships while still guarding your time and energy. For instance: "I can't take on this project, but I can provide some guidance to the person who does."

These strategies are aimed at helping you decline requests or opportunities in a respectful and assertive manner while also keeping your own priorities in mind.

Step 5: Embrace Your Full Self

The next step in unlearning your patterns of niceness is to embrace your full self by acknowledging your "shadow" parts. Referencing the work of psychologist Carl Jung, Gazipura explains that each of us has multiple parts, some we present to the world and some we hide. According to Jung, the "shadow" represents parts you might unconsciously deny, suppress, or disown because they don't align with the image you want to present to the world or because they trigger feelings of shame or discomfort. While everyone’s shadow is unique, Gazipura points to common qualities of shadows—violence, sexuality, selfishness, or hostility. Embracing your full self requires you to accept that these qualities are a natural part of who you are.

(Shortform note: Psychoanalyst James Hollis argues that our relationship to our shadow parts isn't static, but changes as we move through different life stages. For example, Hollis argues that as people approach midlife, the confrontation with the shadow becomes more pronounced. The existential challenges of aging, including reflections on mortality, purpose, and unfulfilled desires, propel people to confront the parts of themselves that they had previously relegated to the shadow. He suggests this confrontation often results in a "midlife crisis," where individuals reassess their values, relationships, and life choices.)

Gazipura argues that embracing your full self is critical to your overall well-being and happiness. He explains that your shadow is home to your primal desires and therefore a source of untapped energy, creativity, and growth. Acknowledging and accepting your shadow unlocks authenticity and vitality that might otherwise remain buried. Furthermore, repressing your shadow leads to self-rejection, potentially resulting in issues like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or heightened negative emotions.

(Shortform note: Jung refers to the idea of “embracing your full self” as integration. By integrating the shadow, you reconcile with the repressed, denied, or unknown parts of yourself, leading to greater self-awareness, understanding, and psychological balance. Jung argues that integrating your shadow into your identity is the only way to become the person you're meant to be and experience a sense of wholeness.)

Make Room for Shadow Parts

Gazipura offers two strategies to help you make more room for your shadow in your daily life without acting on every whim or ugly thought:

1. Start an unfiltered diary where you say everything you would never dream of saying out loud. Gazipura suggests writing down every unfiltered idea, impulse, and taboo thought you have for 15-20 minutes regularly. Begin with what stresses you out, what annoys you, what frustrates you, or demands being placed on you that you resent. The more unfiltered you are, the more you’ll get out of the experience. Make sure that this diary is secure and private. If you think there’s a chance that someone might read it, you won’t be able to be as honest as you need to be.

(Shortform note: According to some therapists, recording your negative thoughts can do more than just vent them; it can reveal recurring patterns in your mindset. By reviewing these entries, you might find that you frequently criticize yourself or make hasty negative assumptions. Identifying these tendencies allows you to proactively notice and address self-defeating thought patterns.)

2. Take a rage walk. A rage walk is similar to the unfiltered diary but has the added benefit of physical movement. The goal is to walk and feel all the things you’re “not supposed” to feel. Gazipura suggests talking out loud and letting your body and face express your anger or frustration. Don’t worry about what you look like. It doesn’t matter, and your rage walk is for you, not for anyone else.

(Shortform note: If you're considering a rage walk, opt for a natural setting. Scientific research suggests that being in nature reduces rumination—repetitive negative self-thoughts. In a 2015 study, participants who walked in natural rather than urban environments reported fewer negative thoughts and showed decreased activity in a brain region associated with mental illness risk. An outdoor rage walk allows you to vent your emotions and take advantage of nature's therapeutic benefits.)

Step 6: Speak Your Mind

Once you know what you want and understand that you're more than “just nice,” it’s time to become a more authentic version of yourself, one who speaks their mind. According to Gazipura, people avoid speaking their mind for several reasons: They fear hurting someone’s feelings, causing offense, or inciting anger; they aim to avoid being perceived as rude, mean, or aggressive; or they hesitate to show emotions, appear needy, or make public mistakes.

(Shortform note: While it’s important to speak your mind, it’s also important to recognize the balance between authenticity and consideration. In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman underscores the importance of discerning when and how to articulate your thoughts. By honing emotional intelligence, you can embrace an authentic version of yourself and navigate interpersonal dynamics adeptly. This skill involves recognizing and understanding your emotions, enabling you to choose your responses thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively, ensuring that authenticity doesn't inadvertently cause harm or misunderstanding.)

While these fears are powerful deterrents, Gazipura argues they’re based on false beliefs about relationships. In the world of nice, if you disagree with someone or express strong volition, that person will like you less. In reality, honesty strengthens relationships. When you say what you think, you treat the other person as a capable and resilient adult, allowing both of you to be your authentic selves, regardless of whether you agree.

(Shortform note: It’s important to be honest, but Harriet Lerner, psychologist and author of The Dance of Deception, emphasizes that timing and context matter. She suggests that the effectiveness of honesty is heavily influenced by the environment and the emotional state of the listener; therefore, she advocates a more nuanced approach. She explains that finding a balance between being authentic and being considerate will allow you to build stronger, more understanding relationships.)

According to Gazipura, to speak up effectively, you must communicate assertively—express yourself clearly while also considering others' feelings. This helps everyone talk openly, respect each other, and set clear boundaries for healthy interactions. In contrast, passive communication involves holding back your thoughts and needs, often leading to frustration and misunderstandings, and aggressive communication is forceful and disrespectful, causing conflicts and damaging relationships. Being assertive strikes a balance, fostering effective and respectful conversations.

(Shortform note: Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a model for assertive communication. Central to NVC is the idea of expressing oneself honestly and compassionately. It guides individuals to make objective observations free of judgment, express feelings and needs without attributing blame, and make clear, nondemanding requests. This approach avoids the ambiguity found in passive communication and the dominance of aggressive communication.)

Practice in a Social Setting

One place you can practice speaking up more is in social settings. When you’re hanging out with friends or out at a party with new people, practice speaking openly about yourself, your opinions, and your ideas. If you want to connect with people, you have to choose to be authentic over being nice.

(Shortform note: Speaking up isn't the only way to practice authenticity in social settings. As Brené Brown highlights in The Power of Vulnerability, true connection comes from both authentic communication and shedding inhibitions that hide our true selves. For example, at a party, you can speak candidly about your opinions, but you can also wear something that represents your true personal style or put on music that you love, regardless of what other people might think.)

Gazipura says that becoming confident in social settings often means reevaluating your rules of social interaction. For instance, you don't need permission to join a conversation; you can simply jump in. Moreover, new conversations don't require a specific structure; instead, aim to build connections by discussing what genuinely interests you, rather than sticking to what’s expected.

(Shortform note: While there are some rules you may need to revise, like waiting to be invited into a conversation, there are universal norms of conversation that are helpful to consider. For example, a cross-cultural study involving 10 languages discovered universal patterns in conversational turn-taking. Regardless of linguistic background, all languages exhibited a common preference for preventing talk overlap and minimizing pauses between conversational turns, implying the existence of a shared foundational structure for conversation.)

Practice in a Professional Setting

Next, practice speaking up at work. Regardless of what position you hold, your ability to speak up will have a profound impact on your professional success. People are often most hesitant to speak their mind at work because they're afraid of being wrong, getting challenged, or looking stupid. However, if you don’t confront these fears, you’ll become stagnant and unable to advance professionally.

(Shortform note: Speaking up at work is essential for professional growth, but for many women, this act is complicated by a pattern of their concerns or opinions being disregarded. For example, a survey revealed that a significant number of women, despite facing discrimination at work, refrained from reporting it due to a belief that it wouldn't lead to any positive outcome or due to a mistrust of HR processes. Many argue that encouraging women to speak up must be coupled with broader organizational change that addresses system biases that undermine or silence women’s voices.)

Gazipura offers a few tips to help you gain confidence speaking up in a professional setting. First, he recommends asking questions. It’s a low-stakes way to speak up that shows curiosity and engagement. Second, recognize that you have specific skills and experiences that give you a unique perspective. And third, say what you want to say with confidence. Avoid qualifiers, like “just” or “maybe,” that minimize what you’re saying.

(Shortform note: Building relationships will also help increase your confidence in speaking up. By forging strong connections with coworkers, you not only create a supportive environment but also open channels for feedback and collaboration. A recent study emphasized the importance of this approach, showing that ideas backed by a cohesive team are more likely to be implemented. So, by nurturing these workplace relationships, you're also paving the way for your ideas to be heard and realized.)

Practice When It’s Uncomfortable

The hardest time to speak your mind is when it’s uncomfortable—usually when you’re mad at someone or disagree with them. But, as in your professional life, your success and quality of life depend on your ability to have difficult conversations. Disagreement is inevitable and healthy. These conversations become easier when you don’t pit yourself against the other person. Your goal isn’t to win but to connect with the other person, to listen and be heard.

Why Are Difficult Conversations So Hard?

According to the authors of Difficult Conversations, difficult conversations are hard because there are actually three conversations going on at once, all of which provide opportunities to make predictable mistakes.

The What Happened Conversation includes disagreement over what happened, who did what, and who’s right or who’s to blame. This conversation goes wrong when we assume our perception is “right” and that we already have all of the information we need. Consider a scenario where a supervisor says an employee has been late multiple times. The employee, on the other hand, believes his tardiness was due to uncontrollable circumstances and disputes the frequency cited by his supervisor. Both people are entrenched in their version of the story, leading to friction.

The Feelings Conversation usually goes unsaid and prompts questions about our own feelings: Are my feelings valid or appropriate? Should I acknowledge or deny my feelings? What about the other person’s feelings? This conversation goes wrong when we try to hide our feelings or we take them out on the other person. In our example, the supervisor feels frustrated, thinking the employee doesn't value the job, while the employee feels attacked and wishes his supervisor was more understanding.

The Identity Conversation is an unspoken conversation that we have with ourselves. It circles around what this situation means about who we think we are. This conversation goes wrong when we ignore our true anxiety about what this conversation says about us. In this situation, the supervisor questions her leadership effectiveness and authority due to the perceived challenge, whereas the employee fears being labeled as unreliable and apathetic.

The authors argue that all difficult conversations contain all three of these conversations, and while we can’t change the challenges inherent in each one, we can change the way we respond to those challenges, and we can learn how to manage and address all three conversations to have better difficult conversations.

Gazipura recommends the following approach for handling any conflict: Begin by identifying your emotions, such as frustration or anger. Next, clarify what changes you want. For example, if you're unhappy with infrequent communication with a close friend, think about what you'd prefer. Then describe the issue neutrally and express curiosity, saying something like, "I've noticed we don’t talk very often, and I'm curious to understand why." Actively listen as the other person shares, and summarize their response to make sure you understand. Then, explain how the situation affects you. Finally, clearly state your desired outcome, but remain open to compromise. Just because you name what you want, doesn’t mean you’ll always get it.

(Shortform note: While Gazipura emphasizes the importance of speaking up, mastering the art of active listening—listening attentively to fully understand—is equally crucial, especially during challenging conversations. In Just Listen, Mark Goulston argues that by genuinely hearing someone out and empathizing with their perspective, you foster a connection that makes you more likely to influence their opinions and achieve a collaborative solution.)