PDF Summary:No-Drama Discipline, by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Disciplining kids often involves tears, yelling, and drama. In No-Drama Discipline, parenting experts Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson aim to empower parents to discipline their children without the drama, which creates the space to teach children, not just argue with them. This book builds on the lessons of the authors’ previous collaboration on parenting, The Whole-Brain Child, but with a specific focus on discipline.

In this guide, we’ll learn the basics of the authors’ approach to discipline, including how to calm your child’s raging emotions and solidify your bond before redirecting them to a new behavior. Throughout the guide, we’ll also feature advice from other experts on parenting as well as scientific context to help explain why Siegel and Bryson’s advice is so powerful.

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Time-Outs

Siegel and Bryson believe that, during a traditional time-out (in which parents send children to sit by themselves and think about what they’ve done wrong), kids don’t focus on their misbehavior—they focus on their parents’ negative reaction to it. This often escalates kids’ strong emotions rather than helping them calm down. (Shortform note: In addition to the authors’ reasoning, there’s another reason time-outs can escalate a conflict: They initiate a power struggle over whether the child will actually, physically stay in the time-out spot. If the child keeps leaving the designated spot before they’re supposed to, parents often escalate the situation by heaping new punishments on top of the original time out.)

Spanking

The authors believe that spanking, like time-outs, often escalates dramatic situations. That’s because spanking makes children feel threatened, and feeling threatened engages the primitive parts of a child’s brain rather than the more evolved parts responsible for higher-level thinking. When a child’s primitive brain is engaged, it’s almost impossible for her to think calmly about the experience, so she’ll continue acting out. Worse, feeling threatened floods children’s brains with stress hormones; over time, too much exposure to those stress hormones can have a serious negative impact on children’s developing brains.

(Shortform note: There’s another important reason spanking is ineffective that the authors don’t mention: The logic of spanking relies on skills that young children don’t have. When parents spank, they assume the memory of that pain will deter their children from misbehaving in the future—that kids will stop and think about that painful memory before acting. However, that kind of impulse control is an upper brain skill that young kids haven’t learned yet, so the logic of spanking sets kids up for failure.)

Preparation Strategy 3: Time It Right

The authors acknowledge that mindful, brain-focused discipline is hard to do when your own lower brain is enraged—as might happen, for instance, if you walk into the kitchen to discover your child painting a chocolate syrup masterpiece all over the floor. When that happens, Siegel and Bryson recommend holding off on discipline (other than immediate safety concerns) until both you and your child are calm, focused, and able to have a productive conversation. This might even mean waiting until the next day to talk after everyone has cooled down. Otherwise, you’re likely to resort to autopilot responses like yelling or time-outs.

(Shortform note: While giving yourself space to calm down before disciplining is helpful, you can also use proactive strategies that will help you respond to misbehavior without your lower brain taking over—so you won’t need to take space in the first place. To do this, start by identifying one daily ritual that helps you feel calm (like a nightly bath) and set firm boundaries around it so your family knows not to interrupt you during that time. By taking that time for yourself every day, you’ll ensure your own needs are met, which will help prevent you from flying into a rage when your children misbehave.)

Discipline Step 2: Connect

Once you’re in the right frame of mind to discipline mindfully, the next step in Siegel and Bryson’s discipline approach is connection: meeting your child where they are, empathizing with them, and helping them calm down from strong emotions.

According to the authors, connection is an essential step because it sets the stage for kids to listen and learn. When kids feel strong emotions like anger or frustration, their lower brains take control and drown out the input of the rational upper brain. This means kids lose access to upper brain skills like emotional regulation and processing new information. (Kids in this state may be inconsolable—which parents often mistake for a willful tantrum.) The authors argue that trying to discipline children effectively when they’re in this state is futile.

(Shortform note: Daniel Goleman describes these lower brain takeovers (or “emotional hijackings,” as he calls them) in more detail in Emotional Intelligence. According to Goleman, research shows that even children with high IQs perform poorly in school when they’re under emotional stress and the lower brain takes over. This supports Siegel and Bryson’s claim that kids genuinely won’t be able to learn new information when their lower brain has hijacked their upper brain.)

Connection, according to Siegel and Bryson, is the solution to this problem. Empathic connection helps children calm the raging lower brain to the point that it no longer drowns out the upper brain. Then, the upper brain has a chance to chime in with logic, empathy, and problem-solving skills—meaning children will be more able to listen and understand when you teach them a new, more appropriate way to behave.

The authors note an added bonus to this method: Over time, using connection to help calm the lower brain helps children strengthen the connections between their upper and lower brains so that they can more effectively rein in the lower brain’s strong reactions. In other words, connection not only regulates kids’ emotions in the moment, but it also strengthens their brains’ ability to regulate their own emotions. Eventually, they’ll be able to use that skill on their own, without as much help from you.

Connection Is a Key Part of “Coregulation”

What Siegel and Bryson are describing here is what other child development experts call “coregulation,” or the process of adults helping children manage strong emotions. The empathic connection that Siegel and Bryson mention is just one aspect of coregulation. According to developmental scientists, to effectively coregulate, adults should also provide a structured environment (including a predictable routine) and explicit coaching of emotional self-regulation skills (such as identifying emotions, calming down, and seeing a situation from someone else’s perspective).

Additionally, the reason that kids need less coregulation from parents over time isn’t just a matter of upper brain practice, as Siegel and Bryson suggest—it’s also a matter of overall development. For example, infants need more coregulation than older kids by default because they haven’t yet learned how to control even the most basic bodily functions; they need an adult’s help not just to calm down but also to regulate their body temperature and stress hormone levels. On the other hand, older children with typical development have already mastered those skills, so they need less help from parents—even if they haven’t had deliberate practice regulating their own emotions.

Strategies for Connection

Here are three strategies Siegel and Bryson recommend for establishing connection with your kids:

Connection Strategy 1: Use Your Body

Siegel and Bryson argue that the most powerful way to soothe your child when she’s upset is through touch. Positive touch (like hugs or rubbing your child’s back) releases stress-relieving hormones in the brain, which helps children (and adults) calm down. (Shortform note: In Parenting From the Inside Out, Siegel and Hartzell note that it’s especially important to be fully calm and mindful before touching your child: If you’re still angry or upset with them, gentle touch can quickly turn into harmful touch, which can be particularly damaging. For example, if you’re still upset, you might accidentally grab your child a little too roughly, even if that wasn’t your intention.)

To make your child feel even safer and more open to connection, the authors recommend positioning yourself below her eye level—for example, by sitting on the ground while she stands in front of you or sits on a chair. This posture communicates to the primal, animal part of her brain that you’re not a threat. (Shortform note: Getting down on the ground is just one of many ways to make yourself appear less threatening. For example, with older children, you can also sit shoulder to shoulder while you talk to them. The lack of eye contact in this approach makes kids and teens feel safer.)

Connection Strategy 2: Acknowledge and Affirm Your Child’s Emotions

Once your child is calm, Siegel and Bryson recommend acknowledging and affirming your child’s emotions, even if you’re not happy with the way she expressed those emotions. When children are upset, having a parent communicate that their feelings are valid helps them calm down faster because they feel understood.

According to the authors, affirmation has two steps. First, identify the feeling. For example, if your child is crying and stomping their feet, you might say, “I can see you’re feeling really angry right now.” This not only helps children feel understood, but it also helps them learn to identify their own emotions. (Shortform note: You might not think to do this until children are old enough to understand what you say, but some parenting experts recommend identifying feelings even with babies as a way to get into the habit. For example, you might say, “I hear you, you don’t want to get out of the tub—the air is cold!”)

Second, express empathy. Challenge yourself to understand why your child is feeling so strongly about the situation and communicate that you understand why they’re so upset. For example, you might say to your angry child, “I know you really wanted to go to the mall today, and you’re angry that we had to reschedule. I would feel angry too if my plans changed like that.” (Shortform note: When you empathize with your children, keep their limited life experience in mind. For example, if your toddler reacts to spilling her juice as though it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to her, keep in mind that it might actually be the worst feeling she’s yet experienced in her short life, and empathize accordingly.)

Connection Strategy 3: Let Your Child Do the Talking

As you connect with your child, the authors advise focusing on listening rather than lecturing, arguing, or explaining. Keep in mind that language is an upper brain function—so when kids are feeling strong emotions that activate their lower brains, they’re not able to process language, and lectures aren’t helpful.

(Shortform note: In addition to strengthening your connection with your child, listening offers other benefits. For example, regularly listening to your children establishes open communication, which means they’ll be more likely to share their thoughts and struggles openly with you as they get older. Additionally, modeling listening skills for your child will help them develop important social skills that can help them form and maintain healthy relationships. Meanwhile, lecturing is ineffective because even if your child does process what you’re saying, they’ll feel hurt that you’ve spent so long talking about how “bad” they are, and they’ll respond with defensiveness and resentment.)

Discipline Step 3: Teach

After connecting with your child, the final step in Siegel and Bryson’s method is teaching. Teaching involves setting and reinforcing firm boundaries—in other words, teaching children what behavior is and isn’t okay—but doing so in a loving way that prioritizes your connection with your child. (Shortform note: The authors call this step “redirection,” but we’ve changed it to “teaching” to better reflect two of the authors’ ideas: First, that discipline should be about teaching, rather than punishment; and second, that discipline should focus on building long-term skills rather than just redirecting a child from one behavior to another in the moment.)

So what happens when your child breaks a rule? According to the authors, the first thing you’ll teach is why your child’s behavior was inappropriate. When your child understands why their behavior was wrong, they’ll experience natural feelings of guilt and regret. Those are uncomfortable feelings, and when that discomfort is paired with misbehaving, kids will naturally learn to avoid misbehavior so they can avoid feeling bad.

(Shortform note: You may be wary of letting your children feel these negative emotions for fear of damaging their self-image. However, in Daring Greatly, shame expert Brené Brown argues that there is a difference between guilt (“I’ve done something bad”) and shame (“I am bad”), and it’s the latter emotion that’s more likely to impact self-image. Brown believes that guilt doesn’t have to lead to shame—instead, it can be a healthy experience that teaches children to separate their behavior from their identity. Therefore, Brown agrees with Siegel and Bryson that allowing children to feel guilt is important for their development and won’t harm their self-image.)

Siegel and Bryson believe that teaching, when done well, leads to three positive outcomes for kids: increased understanding of their own emotional reactions, empathy for others, and practice making amends and repairing relationships.

(Shortform note: Effective discipline leads to another important positive outcome that the authors don’t mention: Namely, discipline helps children feel safe. This is because discipline shows kids that you are in charge and they don’t have to worry about making adult decisions yet.)

Strategies for Teaching

Here are three strategies Siegel and Bryson recommend for teaching your children how to behave appropriately and follow the rules:

Teaching Strategy 1: Start By Noticing, Not Criticizing

Instead of jumping straight to criticism when your child misbehaves, the authors recommend you start by describing what you see and asking your child to explain it to you. For example, if you see gum in your preschooler’s hair, you might say, “I see gum in your hair; how did that happen?” instead of yelling, “What did you do to your hair?!” This strategy directs children’s attention to their misstep without making them feel attacked.

(Shortform note: Why is it important not to make children feel criticized or attacked? Siegel and Bryson don’t say, but research shows that parental criticism can have long-term negative effects. Children who are frequently criticized by their parents learn to ignore other people’s facial expressions (to protect themselves from seeing the disappointment or anger on their parents’ faces). This, in turn, impairs their ability to form relationships and can even make them more vulnerable to depression and anxiety. Therefore, discipline strategies that avoid criticism can protect children’s mental health in the long term.)

Teaching Strategy 2: Create a Dialogue

In addition to asking kids to explain what happened or what they were feeling when they misbehaved, Siegel and Bryson advise asking them to help you come up with a solution. This gives their upper brains practice understanding the consequences of their behavior and coming up with solutions. They’ll also feel more respected throughout the process if they know you value their input—even if they don’t like your ultimate decision.

(Shortform note: Siegel and Bryson don’t explain why kids tend to cooperate more when they’re involved in the discipline process, but it may have to do with control. Nutritionists have noted that picky eaters tend to be more willing to try new foods when they help prepare the meal because they feel more in control of the situation; the same process might be at play when kids have a say in discipline.)

Teaching Strategy 3: Try a “Conditional Yes”

Instead of responding with a hard “no” when your child asks for something, the authors recommend saying “yes”—but on your terms. For example, if your child wants to wear their astronaut costume to school, you might say, “Yes, you can wear your costume when you get home this afternoon” instead of an outright “no.” Hearing a flat “no” tends to activate children’s lower brains, so using a conditional yes instead can help avoid drama.

(Shortform note: Why do children perceive “no” as a threat? The authors don’t explain, but it may be because children hear a constant litany of “no” from the moment they start to interact with their environment. As a result, their brains form a very primal connection between the word “no” and the uncomfortable feelings of being scolded and having their goals thwarted.)