PDF Summary:Loving What Is, by Byron Katie

When we feel emotional pain or discomfort, we often blame our experiences—the people and situations in our lives—for not being exactly how we want them to be. Since life rarely plays out exactly as we want, this means we always have reasons to feel bad.

In Loving What Is, best-selling author and spiritual teacher Byron Katie argues that you don’t have to resign yourself to living in a constant state of misery. She explains that life experiences don’t cause emotional pain, only resistant thoughts that judge experiences as somehow wrong or unwanted do. Therefore, releasing resistant thoughts allows you to accept and feel at peace with life, no matter what happens.

This guide discusses Katie’s advice for accepting life and achieving inner peace. You’ll learn how to:

• Investigate resistant thoughts that trigger emotional discomfort.
• Explore unwanted situations from alternative perspectives.
• Accept and feel at peace with yourself, other people, and your experiences.

Additionally, we’ll expand upon Katie’s ideas with research, advice, and actionable methods from psychologists and self-improvement practitioners.

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Example #1: “My children never help with the chores because they don’t respect me.”

Example #2: “I never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure.”

Writing Your Thoughts Down Calms Negative Self-Judgment

Research expands on how writing your thoughts down reduces mental interruptions that get in the way of acceptance.

According to clinical psychologists, it’s difficult to disentangle yourself from negative thoughts because negativity influences you to think judgmentally about your negative thoughts. This adds an additional layer of distress to your original negative thought and makes you feel powerless to change your thinking.

For example, if you feel resentful toward your children, you’ll then berate yourself for this feeling and think that you should be more loving. This judgment disempowers you because it makes you feel like you’re flawed in some way, and it increases your emotional distress—creating emotional turbulence that prevents you from considering other ways to think about your situation.

However, as Katie says, writing your thoughts down focuses your mind and prevents you from falling into the trap of self-judgment. This is because the act of expressing yourself through writing helps you vent both conscious and unconscious negative feelings about a situation. Because you’re releasing your negative emotions, you’re less likely to get caught up in them. As a result, you’re more able to objectively explore, clarify, and question the validity of your thoughts and feelings.

Step #2: Ask Yourself Four Questions

Once you’ve expressed your thoughts in writing, analyze each of your statements by asking yourself four questions:

1. Is this an absolute truth that I cannot disprove?
2. How do I feel and behave when I think this thought?
3. How does this thought benefit me?
4. How would I feel and behave without this thought?

Let’s explore the purpose of each of these four questions.

Question #1: Is This an Absolute Truth That I Cannot Disprove?

The purpose of the first question, “Is this an absolute truth that I cannot disprove?” is to search through your memories for at least one piece of evidence that disclaims your statement, revealing it as untrue. According to Katie, your answer should be a simple “yes” or “no.”

Example #1: If you remember at least one time that your children helped you with the chores or showed you respect, the statement, “My children never help with the chores because they don’t respect me,” reveals itself as untrue. Therefore, the answer is “no.”

Example #2: If you remember at least one time you had enough money or felt successful, the statement, “I never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,” reveals itself as untrue. Therefore, the answer is “no.”

(Shortform note: Dale Carnegie (How To Stop Worrying and Start Living) provides advice on finding evidence to disprove your statement: Gather all the facts about your situation, not just those that confirm your thinking. He explains that it’s often tempting to only seek out and use information that validates your assumptions, but this prevents you from seeing the situation from all sides and leads to uninformed conclusions. On the other hand, gathering all the information allows you to consider the situation objectively and helps you face your thoughts constructively. To encourage objectivity, Carnegie suggests pretending you’re gathering facts for a friend or to argue a case in court.)

Question #2: How Do I Feel and Behave When I Think This Thought?

The purpose of the second question, “How do I feel and behave when I think this thought?” is to list all of the consequences of thinking this thought. This will help you become more conscious of how your thoughts affect your emotions and behaviors. Katie suggests that you consider how thinking this thought influences:

• Your subsequent thoughts and feelings
• How you speak to and behave toward others or react to your circumstances

Example #1: When you think, “My children never help with the chores because they don’t respect me,” you can’t help but think about additional ways your children make your life difficult. This makes you feel resentful and victimized. When you feel like this, your interactions with your children swing between emotional withdrawal and lashing out in anger.

Example #2: When you think, “I never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,” your thoughts focus on all of the things you want but can’t have, or on how other people seem to effortlessly get what they want. This makes you feel like your life’s cruel and unfair—and these feelings make you believe that you’re powerless to improve your situation. As a result, you don’t feel motivated enough to take constructive actions, such as creating a budget or opening a savings account, and you let your financial situation devolve.

(Shortform note: If acknowledging the consequences of resistant thoughts inspires self-criticism, remember that the goal of this step isn’t to judge or berate yourself for engaging in negative behaviors, but to increase awareness of how your thoughts influence you. To overcome any self-critical thoughts, focus on self-compassion during this step. For example, you might consciously forgive yourself for any behaviors that inspire feelings of shame or guilt. By shifting your focus from criticism to kindness, you’ll be better able to understand the consequences of your thoughts without falling into the trap of self-defeating thoughts.)

Question #3: How Does This Thought Benefit Me?

The purpose of the third question, “How does this thought benefit me?” is to reveal that there is no benefit to thinking resistant thoughts. Katie suggests that you consider whether thinking this thought inspires any positive feelings or behaviors that improve your life.

Example #1: The thought, “My children never help with the chores because they don’t respect me,” doesn’t inspire any positive feelings or behaviors that improve your life. Therefore, thinking this thought doesn’t benefit you.

Example #2: The thought, “I never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,” doesn’t inspire any positive feelings or behaviors that improve your life. Therefore, thinking this thought doesn’t benefit you.

Negative Thoughts Can Help You Approach Life More Positively

Katie’s argument that resistant thoughts offer no benefit is based on the assumption that these thoughts cannot improve your life. However, psychologists suggest that if you can view these types of thoughts objectively—as Katie’s four questions will help you do—negative thoughts can actually help you approach life more positively.

According to research, you need negative thoughts and feelings because, without them, you wouldn’t be able to distinguish between your experiences and recognize what satisfies you. Additionally, psychologists claim that negative thoughts and feelings benefit you in five ways:

• Motivating you to take action to improve your life

• Keeping you alert to unwanted or dangerous situations

• Helping you anticipate and prevent worst-case scenarios

• Slowing down your decision-making, allowing you to make more conscious choices

• Preventing you from wasting time and energy pursuing unattainable goals

Therefore, you can gain additional insights into your resistant thoughts by considering if they offer any of these benefits.

Question #4: How Would I Feel and Behave Without This Thought?

The purpose of the fourth question, “How would I feel and behave without this thought?” is to imagine how you’d feel about your situation if this thought had never crossed your mind. This will help you understand that it isn’t the situation that’s making you feel bad. Rather, only this thought about the situation is making you feel bad. Katie suggests that you consider how you’d interpret your situation if you didn’t think this thought, and how this might change the way you feel and behave.

Example #1: Without the thought, “My children never help with the chores because they don’t respect me,” you wouldn’t resent them or focus on how they make your life difficult. Without these resistant thoughts clouding your judgment and emotions, you would find it easier to focus on what’s positive in your family life and enjoy being a parent to your children. And, each time you noticed that the chores hadn’t been done, you’d be able to ask them for help rationally and constructively.

Example #2: Without the thought, “I never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,” you would realize that what you have right now is enough to fulfill your needs. You might also notice that it is only your fears about not having enough money in the future that make you feel bad, and decide to train your focus on the present moment to prevent unnecessary anxiety about the future. As a result, you wouldn’t feel any negative emotions about your finances and would find it easier to appreciate what you do have.

Lateral Thinking Challenges the Influence of Cognitive Biases

If you find it difficult to imagine how you’d feel and behave without your resistant thoughts, you may be under the influence of cognitive biases. Biases are the result of your brain’s attempt to make quick judgments based on your past experiences. While there are many different types of cognitive biases, each influencing you in different ways, they all restrict your thoughts to what you know and have experienced—limiting your ability to objectively assess alternative perspectives and feel differently.

Lateral thinking methods, such as mind mapping and using Six Thinking Hats, rely on your imagination and restrict the influence of cognitive biases. This is because they employ the creative side of your brain, an area where your biases don’t operate. Consequently, these methods make it easier to break free from resistant thoughts and envision other possibilities.

Use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Challenge Your Opinions and Beliefs

Like Katie, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) practitioners argue that the more you question the validity of your thoughts, the less likely you are to get caught up in resistant thoughts and negative emotions. However, the CBT method provides more specific questions to help you objectively examine your thoughts about a situation from multiple perspectives. Answering the following questions in addition to Katie’s four questions will give you a deeper understanding of your beliefs:

Facts

• What evidence is there to support your thoughts about this?

• What evidence disproves or contradicts your thoughts about this?

• Are your opinions getting in the way of the facts?

• Are there any facts that you’ve ignored or overlooked?

Other explanations

• Can you think about this differently?

• Is your mood impacting the way you’re thinking about this?

• Have you ever felt differently about this?

• Are you likely to change your opinion about this over time?

Your feelings

• How does this thought make you feel good?

• How does this thought make you feel bad?

• How will you feel if you continue to hold onto this thought?

Step #3: Reframe Your Thoughts Until You Feel at Peace With the Situation

According to Katie, once you’ve answered the four questions, you’ll realize three things about your resistant thoughts:

1. There isn’t any truth to them.
2. They trigger negative feelings and behaviors that don’t serve you.
3. There isn’t any good reason to continue thinking them.

Ultimately, these three realizations will help you see that it’s not the situation that’s upsetting you, but your thoughts about the situation. Once you’ve grasped this concept, work on the third step toward achieving inner peace: Reframe your thoughts until you can accept and feel at peace with your situation.

According to Katie, you can reframe your thoughts from resistance to acceptance by exploring other interpretations of your situation. This will help you realize that there’s no single way to think and feel about your experiences—rather, you can always choose how to think and feel about what happens in your life.

She explains that the reason you feel emotional pain about your situation is that you’re choosing to think resistant thoughts about it. However, you can just as easily choose thoughts that inspire you to accept, and even love the situation exactly as it is—which, in turn, will encourage you to respond in ways that help you benefit from the situation.

Can Your Thoughts Create Your Experiences?

While many self-help authors mirror Katie’s view that your thoughts determine how you interpret, feel about, and respond to experiences, Norman Vincent Peale (The Power of Positive Thinking) takes this idea one step further. He claims that your thoughts aren’t only a response to your experiences, but are also the cause of your experiences. He explains that your thoughts during an experience determine how you react to it. This reaction shapes how subsequent experiences play out—in other words, negative thoughts will multiply your negative experiences, while positive thoughts will produce positive experiences. Therefore, you should always remain conscious of how you choose to think.

Continuing with the unfinished chores and disrespectful children example, consider how your thoughts about the situation influence what happens next. When you resist the experience, you think that your children are trying to upset you—you feel wronged and react defensively or aggressively. The situation then turns to conflict and prevents you from finding a solution.

On the other hand, when you accept the experience for what it is—the chores haven’t been done—you’re able to acknowledge that your children might have other reasons for not getting them done. You don’t automatically assume that their behavior is a sign of disrespect and you find it easier to respond rationally. This way of thinking prevents tension and helps you work with your children to find a solution.

Explore Other Interpretations of Your Situation

Katie suggests two thought exercises that will open your mind to other perspectives about your situation and offer insights that shift your thoughts from resistance to acceptance. Play around with these exercises until you land on an interpretation that feels intuitively right to you. She explains that you’ll know that you’ve picked the right interpretation when, instead of viewing the situation as wrong or unwanted, you’re able to accept it and respond to it constructively.

(Shortform note: According to Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now), you’ll know you’ve picked the right interpretation when you’re able to focus on the present moment without getting lost in your internal monologue—the “mind chatter” that often gives rise to critical thoughts that impede your ability to feel inner peace and happiness. Choosing an interpretation that calms your internal monologue inevitably improves the way you think about yourself and your circumstances. As a result, you find it easier to accept your reality as it occurs instead of finding reasons to resist it.)

1) State the opposite of your thoughts: Explore if there’s any truth to the inverse of your current perspective. According to Katie, the more you acknowledge that the opposing perspective can also be true for you, the less hold your resistant thoughts will have over you.

• Example #1: Change, “My children never help with the chores because they don’t respect me,” to, “My children always help with the chores because they respect me.”
• Example #2: Change, “I never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,” to, “I always have enough money and this makes me feel like a success.”

(Shortform note: You might find it difficult to explore an opposing perspective. This is because your thoughts and your state of mind reinforce one another to create an internal feedback loop. In this loop, your thoughts determine your state of mind (thinking about your children makes you resentful) and your state of mind determines your thoughts (you feel resentful so you think about how your children make life difficult). However, research reveals that conscious reflection—whether through journaling, mindfulness practices, or Katie’s three-step process—helps you develop the awareness to disentangle yourself from this feedback loop. This makes it easier to objectively view and change your thoughts.)

2) State your role in the situation: Shift your perspective from blaming external circumstances to questioning what role your thoughts and behaviors have played in creating both the situation and your feelings about it. According to Katie, understanding your role in the situation will result in a profound change: Instead of needing the situation to be a specific way before you can accept it, you’ll feel empowered to change the way you think about it so that you can feel at peace, regardless of whether or not the situation changes.

• Example #1: “My children never help with the chores because I don’t respect myself,” or “My children never help with the chores because I don’t respect them,” or, “I never help my children with the chores because I don’t respect them.”
• Example #2: “I think I’m a failure and that’s why I never have enough money.”

Different Perspectives on Exploring Your Role in Difficult Situations

While Katie argues that you should reflect on your role in situations so that you can understand and accept your experiences, many self-help practitioners argue that you should focus on your role so that you can find proactive ways to change your experiences. Three notable proponents of this theory include:

• James Allen (As A Man Thinketh) argues that, in addition to exploring how your thoughts and behaviors contribute to difficult situations, you must understand why you think and behave the way you do. Without this understanding, you’re more likely to believe that you have no control over your thoughts, behaviors, and resulting experiences—which means you won’t feel motivated to change yourself or your circumstances.

• The authors of Crucial Conversations claim that blaming other people or circumstances is a method we use to intentionally ignore the role we play in creating difficult situations. It justifies our resistance by excusing us from any responsibility and, as a result, we don’t see a reason to change our thoughts and behaviors. On the other hand, when we tell ourselves accurate stories and acknowledge our accountability, we feel inspired to engage in constructive thoughts and behaviors.

• Tony Robbins (Awaken the Giant Within) explains that blaming external circumstances limits happiness because it blocks you from making changes that will improve your life. He suggests that you can overcome this limitation by asking yourself positive and empowering questions. For example, what fun things can you do to inspire your children to help with the chores?

If you’re reflecting on your role in situations as a way to change your experiences rather than accept them, focus on specific, changeable behaviors. Focusing on modifiable behaviors directs you to specific actions you can take to improve both yourself and your circumstances. For example, acknowledging that you’re more inclined to get angry with your children when you’re tired and hungry indicates a way to improve your relationship with them—delay discussions about the chores until you’ve had a rest and nourished yourself.

Change Your Self-Image Before Attempting to Change Your Thoughts

Katie seems to imply that you can change your thoughts and emotions about a situation by choosing to interpret it differently. However, be aware that this may not be as easy for you as it sounds: While you may attempt to change your thoughts when you’re aware of them, the majority of your thoughts take place beneath your awareness—in your subconscious mind.

In Psycho-Cybernetics, Maxwell Maltz explains that your subconscious mind creates your self-image from your habitual thoughts and feelings. It then influences you to think and behave in ways that reflect this self-image and actively discourages you from thinking or behaving in ways that are inconsistent with it. Maltz goes so far as to say that your subconscious mind sabotages your conscious attempts to change your habitual thoughts.

For example, if you habitually think that your children make your life difficult, you’ve trained your subconscious mind to include perpetual frustration as a part of your self-image. As a result, your subconscious mind influences you to automatically think and act in ways that keep you focused on all the ways your children frustrate you. It might influence you to think distrustful thoughts about them or encourage you to act defensively. Additionally, it may sabotage any attempt you make to feel at ease with them—for example, influencing you to interpret innocent remarks and behaviors as signs of disrespect.

Maltz argues that you can’t rely on your thoughts to change your feelings unless you consciously change your self-image and retrain your subconscious mind. He suggests that you can achieve this by regularly visualizing yourself behaving in ways that align with what you want and who you want to be.