PDF Summary:Life Is in the Transitions, by Bruce Feiler

How can you cope when life throws unexpected changes your way? To find out, Bruce Feiler traveled around the United States, interviewing hundreds of people about the ups and downs of their life stories. In Life Is in the Transitions, he discusses his findings, arguing that although popular wisdom tells you to expect one major midlife crisis where you’ll deal with upheaval, most people actually face dozens of life-changing events over the course of their lives. During his research, Feiler discovered that life's disruptions follow a particular pattern, and by understanding this pattern, we can better navigate these changes.

In this guide, we’ll explore the types of changes we encounter, why these transitions can be so challenging, and Feiler's advice for navigating them more effectively. We’ll also explore how other experts define life changes, discuss insights from people whose lives have changed dramatically, and provide psychological perspectives that can help you deal with both positive and negative life events.

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In contrast, maladaptive coping strategies are those that might provide temporary relief but can lead to long-term difficulties. Such strategies include avoidance, denial, and dangerous risk-taking. If you find yourself really struggling with this phase, you might have an adjustment disorder—a mental health condition that’s typified by maladaptive coping strategies—that requires professional treatment.

Experts note that Feiler’s third phase, when your new reality begins, can be difficult to reach on your own if the transformation you experienced was traumatic. Undergoing trauma therapy can help you process and make sense of the traumatic event, reconstruct your identity, and find meaning in your life story. Another hurdle some people face in trying to embrace their new reality is moving too quickly. For example, people overcoming addiction may overestimate their readiness to resume certain aspects of their previous life without adequate coping strategies, which can lead to relapse.

How to Transition After a Life Change

Navigating life changes can be difficult, but Feiler argues that you can make it easier by approaching it intentionally and proactively. He proposes seven strategies that can help you adapt to life changes; let’s explore each.

Strategy 1: Cope With Your Emotions

Feiler’s first strategy involves understanding and finding ways to cope with the emotions that come up while you’re grieving the end of your old reality—particularly fear, sadness, and shame.

How to Cope With Fear

During his research, Feiler observed that many people had to overcome fear as they transitioned from a major life change. He names a few common strategies that can help with this. The first is to compare the discomfort you feel in your current reality to the fear of making a big life change. Transitions can be scary, but staying stuck in the same old rut forever may be even more terrifying.

(Shortform note: According to Ryan Holiday, developing courage—the willingness to do the right thing even though you’re scared—can help you deal with the fear that accompanies major life changes. In Courage Is Calling, he argues that usually, the right choice is the scariest or most difficult one, and you should embrace opportunities to disrupt your status quo.)

Another strategy Feiler recommends is to make a list of your goals, which can motivate you to overcome your fears. (Shortform note: In The Pathless Path, Paul Millerd recommends dealing with fear by making another type of list. He says you should write down the worst possible scenario that could result from a life change, steps you could take to recover from this, potential benefits associated with the life change, and what you’d miss out on if you didn’t go for it. This can make your fears more manageable by instilling confidence that you can handle setbacks and by shifting your focus from risks to rewards—which can be another way of focusing on goals.)

Finally, Feiler says you can choose to face your fears head on—for example, if you’re afraid of going back to school, you might decide to swallow that fear and sign up for classes anyway. (Shortform note: In Letting Go, David Hawkins offers two strategies you can use to face your fears head on. First, he recommends acknowledging that you don’t need to be afraid of fear and coming to terms with how your fears are holding you back. Second, he says you can reframe your decisions in terms of love instead of fear—for example, if you’re thinking about going back to school, focus on your love for learning or the positive impact it could have on your life and the lives of others, rather than on your fear of failure or inadequacy.)

How to Cope With Sadness

Another common emotion people face during life changes is sadness. Feiler notes three strategies people use to cope with sadness. The first is accepting the sadness—allowing it to be part of your story without trying to get rid of it. The second is leaning on loved ones for support while you grieve. The third is facing the source of your sadness by talking about it or deliberately reminding yourself of it, allowing you to fully feel your grief.

(Shortform note: Some believe that sadness is a valuable part of life. For example, in Life Worth Living, the authors explain that Oscar Wilde believed his life was enriched by the suffering he experienced when he was imprisoned for sodomy. According to Wilde, being unhappy deepens your understanding of what life’s all about. Adopting this perspective could help you with any of the three strategies Feiler recommends—it could help you accept your grief on its face, enhance your appreciation of the support your loved ones provide, or give you the motivation you need to fully feel your grief.)

How to Cope With Shame

Finally, many people feel shame during transitions as they look back on the perceived failures of their lives. In interviews, Feiler gathered that the best way to combat this shame is to invest time and effort into the aspects of your life that the shame impacts the most. You can do this by taking actions that directly address the areas where you feel you’ve fallen short. For example, if you feel shame about hurting your family and thus feel separated from them, the best way to counteract that shame would be to attend a family event and reconnect with them—to restore your sense of belonging.

(Shortform note: In Being Wrong, Kathryn Schulz explains that failures and mistakes can deeply affect your sense of self. Schulz argues that embracing and learning from your mistakes is crucial for personal growth. Applying this to Feiler’s observation, confronting the shame tied to your perceived failures can help you reframe these experiences as opportunities for growth. By focusing on the source of meaning that the shame impacts the most, you can rebuild your sense of self and restore your connection to the parts of life you find most meaningful.)

Strategy 2: Mourn Deliberately

Feiler’s second strategy for navigating transitions is to mourn deliberately. One way to do this is to create personally significant rituals to mark the ending of one life phase and the beginning of another. These rituals allow you to externalize and honor your grief, whether you’re mourning a literal death or a symbolic one. Processing loss in this way is especially important in the case of traumatic loss—if you don’t process the loss properly, you’re more likely to develop symptoms of trauma later on.

According to Feiler, there are four types of mourning rituals to choose from:

• Individual rituals, where you create or do something personally meaningful to honor what you’ve lost (and what you’ve gained by losing it). For example, one of Feiler’s interviewees ate his first cheeseburger after leaving a religion that forbade it.
• Community rituals, where you process the loss with the help of your community. For example, some people throw divorce parties to celebrate their ending marriages.
• Identity rituals, where you change your name to distance your new and former selves.
• Renewal rituals, where you make changes to your body, habits, or surroundings with the intention of making space for a new chapter of your life to begin. For example, you might overhaul your wardrobe after leaving an industry with a strict dress code.

Another way to mourn deliberately, according to Feiler, is to gather and periodically interact with physical keepsakes that remind you of the thing you’re grieving. Feiler says that such objects encapsulate memories, and interacting with them allows us to revisit those memories whenever we need to. For example, if a friend of yours who was an artist has died, hanging a piece of art on their wall could create opportunities to feel their presence again and remember the moments you shared together.

Advice From Other Experts for Deliberate Mourning

Feiler recommends using rituals as a tool for deliberate mourning. In The Art of Community, Charles Vogl says you can build a meaningful ritual in three steps—and although his approach is intended for community rituals, you can adapt it for individual rituals if you’d like, too.

• Step 1: Introduce the ritual by greeting participants, stating the purpose of the ritual, and giving any necessary instructions. If you’re conducting a ritual alone, you might just focus on clarifying the purpose of the ritual for yourself.

• Step 2: Engage in the ritual—start with a few meaningful words, and then practice a symbolic activity. For example, if you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, you might say a prayer before lighting a candle representing the life of the departed.

• Step 3: Conclude the ritual by stating what you’ve gained from it and releasing participants so they can return to mundane life. If you’re doing the ritual alone, you could journal about these things instead.

Vogl also offers some wisdom about physical keepsakes, which Feiler recommends as powerful reminders of the people and experiences that matter to you. According to Vogl, when someone in your community gives you a physical object, it tells you that they value, accept, and care for you. This fosters a sense of belonging—one of Feiler’s three major sources of meaning. Experts say that when you lose someone or something you love, your sense of belonging is severed—you feel literally or figuratively abandoned. Holding onto mementos from people and experiences from your past may help you maintain a sense of connection with them, dulling the pain of severed belonging.

On the other hand, some losses can feel liberating—if you leave an abusive relationship or a restrictive religion, as one of Feiler’s interviewees did, you might relish that your sense of belonging to that relationship or religion was severed. In such cases, you can develop an individual ritual that celebrates your newfound freedom by engaging in something you couldn’t do before the loss. This can be as simple or as complex as you’d like—for example, pop star Britney Spears celebrated her financial freedom by buying candles when her conservatorship ended (which she discusses in The Woman in Me).

Feiler also presents identity rituals and renewal rituals as options for deliberate mourning. If the idea of an identity ritual appeals to you, you could hold a name change ceremony, which is popular among transgender people, or find another way to celebrate your new identity—for example, you might draw inspiration from Catholic baptismal ceremonies, which also emphasize the significance of names.

If you’re more interested in a renewal ritual, you might consider options like decluttering your mental and physical space, going on a retreat that supports your new life (some people use ayahuasca retreats—meditation experiences powered by psychedelic medicines—for this purpose), or simply taking an “everything shower,” in which you deep clean to address every aspect of your hygiene needs, that leaves you feeling like a whole new person.

Strategy 3: Explore New Ways of Being

Feiler explains that one of the most difficult parts of navigating change is deciding your next steps. In the wake of a transformation, your old habits and beliefs no longer fit—so you need to let them die. In some cases, you might welcome this—for example, if you have a health crisis that forces you to stop smoking, you could feel eager to make the change and grateful for the wakeup call. In other cases, letting go of some aspects of your former self can be hard. For example, if you took a pay cut upon accepting a new job, you might struggle to adjust your spending habits. Regardless, Feiler says it’s important to let go of the habits and beliefs that no longer serve you—then, you can replace them with new ones that align with your current reality.

(Shortform note: One reason transformations require you to give up old habits and beliefs in favor of new ones could be that transformations create cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance refers to the mental discomfort that happens when you hold conflicting beliefs, values, or behaviors. A transformative experience could create cognitive dissonance by introducing new information or circumstances that conflict with your existing beliefs or habits. For example, if you've always believed that your career defines your worth, losing your job could create dissonance between this belief and your new unemployed status. To resolve this discomfort, you might need to update your views about work and worth or get a new job.)

You need to find new ways to fill your days and discover what feels meaningful to you now, but developing new habits and beliefs isn’t always easy. The approach you start with just after a life change may not be the one you stick with, and Feiler says that’s OK. What’s important is that you give yourself opportunities to experiment with potential paths forward.

(Shortform note: In Awaken Your Genius, Ozan Varol argues that experimenting with potential paths forward is key to lasting happiness. If you’re too rigid in your approach to dealing with life changes, you may box yourself into a limited range of options and miss out on opportunities for growth and fulfillment. In contrast, embracing flexibility and experimentation can help you discover what truly resonates with you and lead to a more satisfying and meaningful life.)

Feiler explains that you can approach the challenge of figuring out your next steps in one of three ways—by embracing structure, embracing chaos, or seeking wisdom.

Embrace Structure

Feiler says that if you know (or think you know) what you want to do next, you can take steps to pursue it right away. For example, you might enroll in a personal training program to become healthier.

(Shortform note: You may find it helpful to embrace structure if you’re prone to decision fatigue—the tendency to become overwhelmed or paralyzed when faced with too many choices. Implementing a structured plan can streamline your decision-making process by providing clear goals and actionable steps. For instance, if you aim to improve your health, enrolling in a personal training program can offer a well-defined path and reduce the cognitive load associated with making numerous decisions about how to get started.)

Embrace Chaos

If you’re not sure of your next steps, Feiler says you can explore a variety of potential interests and activities to see what resonates with you. For example, you may dabble in different hobbies, attend various workshops, and volunteer for diverse causes.

(Shortform note: In The Pathless Path, Paul Millerd describes how embracing chaos helped him transition from an unfulfilling career in finance to a freelancing career that allowed him to build a life he truly loved. When he quit his 9-5, he bounced around Europe for five weeks while he explored a variety of freelance options, and he explains that his willingness to experiment and welcome uncertainty opened doors he wouldn’t have thought possible. However, it’s worth noting that Millerd had hefty financial resources at his disposal—depending on your financial limitations and comfort with uncertainty, you may need to embrace a muted form of chaos. For example, you may only be able to afford exploring one new hobby at a time.)

Seek Wisdom

If neither of the above options sounds appealing, Feiler suggests that you turn to personal reflection or seek wisdom from others before determining your next steps. For example, you could take up a contemplative practice like tai chi that gives you opportunities to look inward, or you could work with a spiritual advisor or life coach to clarify your values.

(Shortform note: Feiler proposes two sources of wisdom: yourself and others. How do you know which to seek out? If you feel comfortable with introspection and enjoy self-guided exploration, personal reflection through practices like tai chi, meditation, or journaling might be effective. But if self-reflection makes you feel anxious or if you’re prone to rumination (unhelpful wallowing in negative thoughts), you may find it more helpful to work with a spiritual advisor, life coach, or mentor who can provide guidance on your situation.)

Strategy 4: Tap Into Creativity

In Feiler’s research, he found that many people turned to creative outlets during transitional periods of their lives. He explains that creating something can be cathartic, and it’s also a good way to explore the new feelings and ideas that result from transformational experiences. (Shortform note: In Bittersweet, Susan Cain argues that sadness, which Feiler says often accompanies life changes, can trigger creativity in people who aren’t naturally creative. It does so by priming your mind for the high level of focus, openness, and problem-solving that allows you to see how sadness and beauty intersect.)

Here are four ways you can tap into creativity:

Pick up an art or craft you’ve never tried before. Transitions can leave you feeling isolated, bored, or confused. Feiler says these emotions make excellent creative fodder, since they make space for innovative ideas and out-of-character interests to pop up. This makes transitions an excellent opportunity to stretch your creative limits.

(Shortform note: If you’re not sure which new art or craft to try, understanding your play personality could help you figure it out. Researchers say everyone has a unique style of playfulness, and different styles lend themselves well to different kinds of artistic expression. For example, if your play personality is the joker, you might try an outlet that allows for humor and experimentation, like writing comedy sketches or creating quirky sculptures.)

Resume an art or craft you forgot you loved. Many people exhibit artistic talents as children or young adults, but they put them aside as life becomes busier and priorities shift. According to Feiler, transitions are a good opportunity to reconnect with the artistic side of yourself. (Shortform note: This strategy of Feiler’s could not only help you embrace creativity but also help you stabilize your identity as you deal with uncertainty during a transformation. In Awaken Your Genius, Varol argues that exploring the creative interests you had when you were young is a great way to understand the core of your identity, since those interests are deeply embedded in your psyche.)

Find new ways to move your body. Feiler argues that physical movement can unlock ideas and aspects of your personality that have been lying dormant. For example, starting a yoga practice could teach you to connect with your emotions and could promote a sense of inner calm. (Shortform note: In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron explains that experimenting with movement can help you connect with your inner artist. According to Cameron, moving your body allows you to stop hyperfixating on your thoughts and bring your attention to your physical experience and external surroundings. This helps you become more in tune with your feelings and more likely to notice beauty and other sources of inspiration.)

Take up writing. Writing helps you organize your thoughts and make sense of your experiences. Feiler says this is especially helpful when you’re experiencing turbulence after a transformative life change.

(Shortform note: Keeping a journal or writing a memoir are obvious avenues for exploring your thoughts and experiences, but writing fiction may offer similar benefits, too. You can use your own life as inspiration for your fiction, creating characters and storylines that reflect your transformation and allow you to explore your shifting sense of meaning. In Story, screenwriter Robert McKee argues that good stories are those that give us insight into the meaning of life—so this approach could allow you to create a work of fiction others would benefit from reading, too.)

Strategy 5: Talk About It

Feiler explains that sharing your transformation with others can make enduring the transformation easier. Talking about your experiences cuts through loneliness—which many people experience when their lives are in a state of upheaval—and has even been shown to improve physical health outcomes.

(Shortform note: Despite the mental and physical benefits of opening up, many people struggle to talk about their experiences because they’re afraid of being vulnerable. If that applies to you, Brené Brown offers several tips for embracing vulnerability in Daring Greatly. For example, she recommends letting go of perfectionism and realizing that you’re never alone in your journey—no matter what you’ve been through, someone else has been through it, too. This perspective can embolden you to seek out support from others who are likely to understand and accept you and your experiences.)

Feiler describes five ways that talking about what you’re going through with others can help you:

You might receive support. Feiler explains that when you share about your life, you give others a chance to understand, comfort, and validate you, which can make the burden you’re carrying feel easier to bear. (Shortform note: If you’re worried that you won’t receive support when you share your story, it’s OK to be discerning about who you choose to share with. It’s also OK to take your time opening up—you don’t have to share your entire story all at once if you’re not comfortable doing so. Research shows that sharing a little bit about yourself at a time can help you build intimacy with another person, and as intimacy grows, you’ll likely get more comfortable revealing some of the darker or more difficult aspects of your journey.)

You might feel encouraged. According to Feiler, letting others know what you’re dealing with opens the door to advice and points of view that can keep you moving forward. For example, talking with friends about your career options could help you clarify your goals and create an action plan. (Shortform note: Experts define encouragement as a mixture of praise and constructive feedback that boosts your confidence and makes you feel more optimistic. Coupling encouragement with accountability—being answerable to someone for your actions or progress—can be especially helpful. For example, if your friends encourage you to work on your resume and check in with you about it later, you might feel more motivated to make progress.)

You might get a reality check. During a transition, you may be prone to unrealistic or unhelpful thought patterns. Feiler says sharing your thoughts with others allows you to hear outside perspectives that help you see things more clearly. (Shortform note: Some people feel threatened or discouraged by reality checks. According to Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen in Thanks for the Feedback, this is because disagreement can be triggering—you perceive it as a threat to your beliefs, your relationship with the person giving you feedback, or your identity. Nevertheless, the reality check might be something you need to hear in order to grow. To stay open to such feedback, Stone and Heen recommend understanding and learning to cope with your triggers.)

You might be inspired. If you open up about what you’re going through, you could learn that someone else has been through something similar and emerged stronger. According to Feiler, hearing their stories can offer you hope and can motivate you to persevere. (Shortform note: This type of inspiration can be especially valuable for trauma survivors. For instance, in Unbound, Tarana Burke describes how learning that poet Maya Angelou had survived sexual abuse helped her cope with her own sexual abuse. Burke also explains that this inspired her to found the “me too” movement, which works by teaching survivors that they’re not alone in their experiences and that healing is possible.)

You might get negative feedback. Feiler acknowledges that not everyone you’re vulnerable with will be sympathetic to your struggles, hopes, and fears. However, if someone reacts poorly to your story, you can still grow from that experience: The desire to prove them wrong or address their criticism can motivate you to work harder, find meaning in your transformation, and create a life worth living. (Shortform note: Psychologists use reactance theory to explain this type of motivation. According to reactance theory, you might interpret others’ disapproval of your actions as a threat to your autonomy—and this may compel you to take back your power by doing exactly the opposite of what they expect from you.)

Strategy 6: Take a Step Into Your New Life

As we’ve discussed, transformations tend to overhaul your entire life, turning you into a different person than you were before. One sign that you’re ready to embrace your new identity is that you start doing mundane tasks that were too difficult to tackle during the most tumultuous parts of your transition. For example, if you broke both your legs, taking a shower standing up would signal that you’re beginning to adapt to your new reality and that you’re ready to reclaim a sense of normalcy and agency in your daily life. Feiler says that these small moments are cause for celebration. They can also give you the confidence you need to start making bigger moves, like tackling a new project or goal (for example, running a 5K race once your legs have healed).

(Shortform note: This principle is the idea behind a therapeutic technique called behavioral activation. In behavioral activation, you engage in small but meaningful activities and daily tasks to improve their mood and sense of agency. By gradually reintroducing and achieving small, manageable goals, such as taking a shower or participating in enjoyable activities, you can build confidence in your abilities, as well as momentum. This also counteracts depression and inertia, which can keep you from moving forward. If you feel stuck after a major life change, you can use behavioral activation techniques on your own or with the help of a therapist, loved one, or friend.)

Strategy 7: Rewrite Your Life Story

Recall that transformations are hard to navigate because they challenge your sense of meaning. Feiler says that eventually, you’ll integrate your transformative experience into your life story and discover how to make meaning out of the experience. He lists two signs that you’re reaching this point:

You shift the story of your transformation from present to past tense. This suggests that you’ve gained enough psychological distance from the experience to process it and figure out what it means to you. (Shortform note: In Aftermath, philosopher Susan Brison describes how she began piecing her life narrative together after she suffered a rape and attempted murder. According to Brison, putting the rape behind her was integral to moving forward—but leaving the past in the past can be difficult for trauma survivors because traumatic events change the way you form and recall memories. If you’re struggling to think about a transformative event in the past tense, you might benefit from trauma therapy.)

You choose to frame your story positively. You may not feel very positive about what happened to you yet, but you assign the meaning you want your story to have. You also emphasize the good things that came from the difficult event, rather than the bad things. This suggests that you’re open to finding personal growth and purpose within the experience, even if it’s still challenging or painful in some ways.

(Shortform note: Choosing to frame your story positively is a form of cognitive reappraisal. Earlier, we discussed cognitive appraisals—the subjective interpretations you form about life events as they take place. When you conduct a cognitive reappraisal, you actively change how you interpret these events to make them seem more manageable or meaningful. This technique helps you shift from a negative or limiting view to a more positive or constructive one, which can enhance your resilience and overall well-being. Psychologists note that one way to cognitively reappraise a situation is to inject humor into your interpretation—for example, if you broke your arm on your way to get a massage, you might laugh about it being a case of cosmic irony.)