PDF Summary:I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki, by Baek Sehee

In this candid memoir, author Baek Sehee chronicles her lifelong struggle with depression and feelings of inadequacy. Through raw, vulnerable reflections, she sheds light on her persistent bouts of sadness, both pervasive and subtle, that have shaped her self-worth, relationships, and outlook on life since childhood.

Baek offers an honest depiction of living with mental illness—the emotional highs and lows, physical manifestations, and cycles of self-doubt that can stall progress toward happiness. With unflinching introspection, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki explores profound melancholy and the author's desperate attempts to craft an enviable outward persona to outrun her inner turmoil.

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The author often experiences restlessness, insomnia, and emotional outbursts as a result of their mental state

Baek Sehee's internal conflicts often manifest through various somatic symptoms, highlighting the deep link between her psychological well-being and her bodily health. She struggles with insomnia, having trouble entering a peaceful slumber and frequently rousing amidst the quiet hours, burdened with worry and discomfort. This lack of restful sleep, in turn, depletes her energy levels and contributes to emotional instability, making her more susceptible to emotional outbursts and exacerbating her depression.

Her stress often leads to a reduced appetite and difficulties in sustaining proper digestive function. These physical symptoms, coupled with her emotional struggles, highlight the debilitating impact of her mental state on her overall well-being. The author's personal journey underscores the profound connection between psychological and physiological health, showing that emotional distress can greatly influence an individual's bodily state.

Practical Tips

• Create a mood journal to track emotional patterns and triggers, noting down times of day, activities, and interactions that correlate with shifts in mood. This can help you identify patterns in your emotional state and provide insight into what may be contributing to feelings of melancholy or inadequacy. For example, you might find that your mood dips after scrolling through social media or improves after a walk in nature.
• Develop a 'small wins' diary where you record daily achievements, no matter how minor, to combat feelings of insignificance. This practice can reinforce a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. For instance, you could write down something as simple as completing a task at work or having a meaningful conversation with a friend.
• Engage in regular physical activity tailored to your mood, such as yoga or light stretching on low-energy days and more vigorous exercise like running or a dance class when feeling more spirited. Physical exercise can help regulate mood swings and improve sleep patterns, potentially reducing restlessness and insomnia. You might start with a 10-minute walk each day and gradually increase the duration or intensity as you feel comfortable.

The writer's inclination to enhance reality, magnify particulars, and fixate on outward looks for affirmation.

Sehee delves into her obsessive quest for approval from others, revealing the profound insecurities that compel her to present an impeccably crafted, ideal persona to the world.

The writer's persistent drive to uphold an impeccable image before everyone.

The drive to be seen as an epitome of flawlessness stems from a profound fear of rejection and a desire to be seen as alluring, worthwhile, and worthy of love.

The author frequently fabricates stories or exaggerates their experiences in an attempt to appear more interesting or impressive

Sehee frequently invents stories, exaggerates details, or claims to share similar experiences with others. For instance, when sharing her travel experiences, she fabricates a story concerning a journey to Japan so as not to seem unsophisticated and to assimilate with her friends. She often mirrors the emotions and circumstances of those around her, claiming to have gone through comparable experiences to garner sympathy and attention.

Baek Sehee acknowledges that although these untruths may seem insignificant, the frequency of her fabrications and the guilt they induce weigh heavily on her moral conscience. She recognizes that these untruths stem from a profound need for approval and an apprehension of being deemed insufficient. She is caught in a vicious cycle of self-critique, all the while trying to break free from the destructive habits she's formed.

The author's deep preoccupation with their body image and perceived flaws

Sehee openly discusses her intense preoccupation with her physical appearance, revealing how a perceived lack of attractiveness contributes to her low self-worth and social anxiety.

Other Perspectives

• The quest for approval might not solely stem from insecurities but could also be influenced by societal pressures or cultural norms that prioritize external validation.
• Upholding an impeccable image could be a reflection of high personal standards or professional requirements rather than just fear of rejection.
• Fabricating stories or exaggerating experiences might sometimes serve as a creative outlet or a form of storytelling rather than an attempt to deceive or impress.
• Mirroring emotions and circumstances could be a sign of empathy and an attempt to connect with others, not just a tactic for attention.
• The guilt induced by fabrications could be an indication of a strong moral compass and self-awareness, which are positive traits.
• The cycle of self-critique might also be seen as a process of self-improvement and personal growth.
• Preoccupation with physical appearance can sometimes be a reflection of societal pressures, and focusing on it might not always stem from low self-worth but could be related to personal interests in fashion or aesthetics.