PDF Summary:I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't), by Brené Brown

We’ve all experienced situations that produce intense feelings of fear, blame, and disconnection and cause us to lash out at ourselves or others. Author and researcher Brené Brown explains that this intense feeling is called shame, and it’s a natural part of being human. However, allowing shame to control our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors wreaks major havoc on our health, happiness, and relationships. In I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t), Brown contends that to live a happy, empowered life—and help others to do the same—you must combat shame by practicing empathy toward yourself and others.

This guide will explain what shame is, why it happens, how it impacts our lives, and the techniques and skills we can use to build empathy and combat shame. Throughout the guide, we’ll explore other expert opinions on the causes and impact of shame. We’ll also compare Brown’s ideas to similar concepts in books like The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.

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Compassion is crucial to overcoming shame because it combats blame. First, practicing compassion helps us avoid self-blame because we can acknowledge that our shame (and thus, our blame) is caused by our fears, not by the fact that we’re defective in some way.

(Shortform note: Experts explain that self-compassion not only prevents self-blame but also improves your health, relationships, and general wellbeing by lowering levels of depression and anxiety. You can boost your self-compassion with simple practices like comforting your body (eating well, resting, and getting outside) or writing yourself a letter that describes the events of a painful situation without blaming yourself or anyone else.)

Second, compassion prevents us from blaming others because it can help us see that other people are struggling with shame and fear, too. If the other person intentionally shamed us, it’s probably because they’re also experiencing the fear of certain identities. Blaming them won’t help them to overcome this, and it won’t heal our shame, either.

For example, if someone shames you for being nerdy, having compassion will help you avoid self-blame by helping you acknowledge that there’s nothing wrong with your interests: Rather, you’re experiencing shame because of unjust societal standards. You’ll also see that while the other person’s actions might not be right, they’re probably struggling with fear about being seen as “nerdy” as well.

Compassion and Empathy: Related but Separate Practices

While Brown explains that compassion requires you to empathize and share others’ pain and emotions, other experts argue that empathy and compassion, while closely related, are fundamentally different. They define compassion as a desire to help others that’s often sparked by, but doesn't require, empathy.

They add that in many cases, compassion is more effective (in doing things like combating blame) when practiced with emotional distance from the person or situation. This is because tapping into intense emotions (whether our own or others’) can overwhelm us and prevent a productive, compassionate response.

Further, requiring ourselves to have empathy to practice compassion can actually reduce our ability to show compassion. We can’t understand everyone’s emotions, so relying on empathy to practice compassion can result in a biased practice in which we’re only compassionate to those we understand. Further, if we require an emotional connection every time we practice compassion, we’ll eventually become emotionally drained and unable to continue being compassionate.

Component #3: Connection

Brown defines connection as the ability to share experiences and establish systems of mutual support with others. Practicing connection both requires and strengthens the elements of courage and compassion—to fully practice connection, you must be able to share your true self with others (courage), provide others with support and understanding without judgment (compassion), and request that they do the same for you.

Connection is crucial to overcoming shame because it combats disconnection. When we share who we truly are, discuss our experiences and pain, and listen to others do the same, we realize that our experiences aren’t that strange or rare. We realize that others have gone through similar experiences and that if we can accept others, they can accept us.

Connection therefore prevents us from intentionally disconnecting from others due to self-hatred or self-pity, unintentionally disconnecting from others by lashing out, and becoming disconnected from ourselves by pretending to be someone we’re not.

For example, someone who represses their interests because they think they’re nerdy will likely become disconnected from their true self. However, if they practice connection and share their interests with others instead, they’re likely to form a deeper connection with themselves and find a like-minded community that they connect with.

Practice Radical Acceptance With Others to Combat Shame

Like Brown, Tara Brach explains in Radical Acceptance that connecting with others is one of the most effective ways to heal, and to prevent ourselves and others from experiencing pain (like shame). However, Brach refers to what Brown calls connection as “practicing Radical Acceptance” in relationships.

Brach’s radical acceptance is a broader practice than Brown’s connection that encompasses both your relationship with yourself and with others. Practicing radical acceptance of yourself means accepting yourself, your experiences, and your feelings (what Brown calls practicing courage and compassion toward yourself). Practicing Radical Acceptance with others (what Brown calls connection) means sharing your experiences, listening to others’ experiences, providing support, and demystifying and destigmatizing these experiences (expressing your courage and showing compassion to others).

Like Brown, Brach explains that practicing connection with others heals our pain and makes us more resilient to painful experiences (like shame) by affirming that our experiences, emotions, and identities aren’t “wrong.” We also learn to share love and acceptance with others and receive it in return. When we do this, Brach explains that we create sangha—the Buddhist word for community. Buddhists believe that sangha is a key component of the spiritual path that leads to complete Radical Acceptance, peace, and freedom from pain and suffering—like shame, fear, anger, blame, and disconnection.

How To Build Empathy and Combat Shame

Now that we’ve explored what shame and empathy are, let’s look at some specific practices for overcoming shame and building empathy. There are three main practices that Brown recommends you integrate into your daily life:

Practice #1: Acknowledge Your Shame and What Causes It

First, Brown notes, to start building empathy and combating shame, you must recognize when you’re experiencing it and what’s causing it. Recognizing your shame and its causes will allow you to separate from your negative thoughts and emotions before they can cause you to experience fear, react with blame, and become disconnected from yourself and others. Acknowledging your shame will enable you to practice courage, compassion, and connection.

Overcoming Shame by Breaking Neuroassociations

In Awaken The Giant Within, Tony Robbins agrees that the key to overcoming negative actions and reactions (like shame, fear, blame, and disconnection) is to identify what’s causing them. In his view, these actions and reactions are caused by neuroassociations: connections in our brain that form between experiences and emotions. These connections help us identify and avoid situations that might cause pain.

Robbins explains that all of our actions and reactions are the result of these neuroassociations. For example, if you’re shamed for wearing your favorite old sweater, you’ll form a negative neuroassociation between “wearing old clothes” and “shame,” and you’ll avoid wearing old clothes in public in the future. Robbins says that uncovering and correcting these neuroassociations is the key to combating negative actions and reactions like shame.

There are two parts to this practice. The first is to identify how shame feels. The second is to identify the identities and situations that cause that shame.

Step #1: Identify How Shame Feels

Brown explains that you can identify shame by reflecting on how it feels in your body. She says shame feels different for everyone—for some people, it might feel like a knot in their stomach, and for others, a pounding in their chest.

To identify how you react to shame, think of a recent experience you’ve had with shame—where in your body did you feel its physical effects? What did they feel like? For example, you might have felt burning, throbbing, or numbness. Are there any other sensations you experience? For example, maybe you get a metallic taste in your mouth. Are there any instincts that pop into your mind? For example, you might want to run, fight, hide, or yell.

Remember how shame feels for you so you can recognize it the next time it crops up and stop it from controlling your thoughts, behaviors, and actions.

(Shortform note: Sometimes, it can be difficult to recognize experiences of shame, even when we’re reflecting on past experiences as Brown recommends. If you’re still struggling to identify experiences with shame, some experts recommend conducting Brown’s recommendation backward: First, understand common reactions to shame. Then, use this knowledge to identify situations where you reacted similarly and might have been experiencing shame. Once you’ve identified experiences of shame, you can then expand on how they felt as Brown recommends. Experts explain that some common reactions that might indicate you’re experiencing shame are sudden feelings of panic, difficulty breathing, the urge to flee, or flashbacks to traumatic events.)

Step #2: Identify the Root Causes of Your Shame

Brown explains that to identify the root causes of your shame, you must confront the disdained identities that trigger you. To do this, consider the identities that you value and want to uphold and the identities that you look down on and don’t want to be associated with. For example, if you highly value the identity of being smart, one of the causes of your shame might be being associated with the opposite—being stupid.

Identifying the identities you disdain is crucial for two reasons. First, it allows you to recognize situations that may trigger your shame so that you can respond productively with courage and compassion rather than being consumed by fear and blame. Second, identifying the identities you disdain will indicate which negative beliefs you need to work on overcoming so they no longer cause you shame—we’ll discuss this further in Practice #2.

Identify Your Disdained Identities Through Self-Testing

While identifying your shameful identities may provide the benefits Brown lists, the process might not be as straightforward as she presents. Psychologists explain that identifying core beliefs (like the identities you disdain and why you disdain them) can be difficult because they’re often deeply ingrained and unconscious. So, Brown’s advice might not be enough to pull them from the depths of your mind.

Instead, experts recommend conducting a self-observational experiment. For one week, immediately write down every negative thought that pops into your head—in Brown’s context, ones that pertain to someone’s (or your own) identity. For example, if you see someone wearing ripped jeans and cringe at their fashion sense, write it down.

At the end of the week, reflect on each negative thought to uncover patterns and the negative core beliefs that caused them. In Brown’s context, this would mean analyzing your thoughts to ascertain which disdained identities caused them and uncovering why you hold those beliefs about that identity. For example, maybe you realize that you have a pattern of looking down at people who dress in a way you perceive as “revealing.” This might be because you went to a conservative private school where this style was banned for being "inappropriate."

Practice #2: Develop Critical Awareness of Shame

Brown explains that a second vital practice in developing empathy and combating shame is to understand shame with critical awareness. Brown defines critical awareness (as it relates to shame) as an understanding of why we deem certain identities as shameful, how shame around these identities impacts society, who’s most affected by the shame of identities, and who benefits the most from them. Try to understand each of the disdained identities you identified in Practice #1 with critical awareness.

To develop critical awareness about shame, think of an identity that makes you feel ashamed. Which components of this shameful identity contradict society’s or your inner circle’s expectations? Then, think of the ideal you feel like you're supposed to be living up to instead, and consider its impact on society at large: Who suffers because of this ideal's existence, and who profits from it?

For example, you may feel ashamed for looking “poor” rather than “upper-class.” Looking “poor” could mean wearing unfashionable clothes or owning outdated technology instead of always wearing new, fashionable clothes and having the newest technology—these being things that society expects “upper-class” people to do. On a societal level, the shame around this identity causes people to judge each other's worth based on the materials they own. This materialism probably serves to benefit big businesses at the expense of average people who feel ashamed for looking poor.

Critical awareness makes you realize that most disdained identities are unfairly demonized and stem from unrealistic expectations that harm one group of people to benefit another. Brown explains that this realization helps you combat shame in a few ways.

First, it makes you understand that failing to meet unrealistic or unfair expectations doesn’t make you defective (boosting courage). Second, it makes you realize that you’re not the only person suffering from these expectations and pressures—others are dealing with similar pain (fostering compassion). Finally, sharing this realization with others can decrease the prevalence of shame and help de-stigmatize “shameful” identities (helping you connect with others).

Classical Conceptualization and Interpretations of Critical Awareness

Originally, the concept of critical awareness, also called critical consciousness or critical perspective, was developed by a Brazilian philosopher, Paulo Freire, in an attempt to help students overcome academic oppression. He defined critical consciousness as the ability to recognize oppressive social constructs and expectations that shape society and take action to derail them—for instance, taking action to deconstruct the oppressive societal expectation of appearing “rich” that we discussed above. While Brown’s use of critical awareness applies specifically to “shame” rather than "oppression" as a whole, the underlying purpose of Brown’s critical awareness remains the same—to identify how and why people feel or are treated as lesser so that we can combat it.

While some experts interpret Freiro’s concept of critical awareness as only having one component, reflection, many experts interpret it as having two: critical reflection and critical action. Brown’s explanation of critical awareness seems to fall into the two-component interpretation of the concept.

Critical reflection requires you to (1) think critically about accepted beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and assumptions, (2) determine the hidden interests underlying these constructs, and (3) identify how they impact everyday life. This process of reflection aligns with Brown's recommendation on how to develop critical awareness of shame.

Critical action requires you to act to minimize the oppression you discovered during your critical reflection. Experts note that critical action often manifests as women sharing advice, support, and information with each other. This process of critical action mirrors Brown’s advice to use your critical awareness to share your insights, provide support to others, and de-stigmatize disdained identities to prevent them from causing shame (and to boost courage, connection, and compassion in turn).

Practice #3: Learn to Talk About Shame and Connect With Others

Brown’s final practice for developing empathy and combating shame is learning how to talk about shame and connect with others. We connect with others by sharing experiences and establishing mutual support. This is crucial to combating shame because it facilitates the empathy element of connection, which helps you put courage and compassion into action. Further, once you learn how to express your own shame and ask for support, you’ll be better equipped to listen to others and provide them with support.

(Shortform note: Research supports the idea that having social support systems is crucial to building resilience against negative experiences and emotions (like shame). Studies have even noted a link between social support and the neurocognitive systems and genetic mechanisms related to resilience. However, like Brown, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen explain that learning how to talk about our experiences and listen to others is crucial to ensuring that these connections have a positive effect. In Difficult Conversations, Stone, Patton, and Sheen explain that if we don’t share our feelings in a productive way and truly listen to others when they share theirs, we could end up misunderstanding each other, not getting what we need, and ultimately damaging our relationships).

How To Talk About Shame

Before you can effectively connect with others, you must first learn how to talk about shame. Brown explains that shame is a complex and often undiscussed topic, meaning most people don’t have the vocabulary to express their feelings and experiences. Consequently, to have a productive discussion, you must understand how to effectively express yourself and understand others.

To constructively talk about shame, put everything you’ve learned in Practice #1 and Practice #2 into words—explain the identity that’s causing your fear, how it makes you feel, why it makes you feel that way, and what kind of support you need instead.

For example, if you ask a question in school and a classmate makes you feel stupid by implying that your questions are dumb, you can explain to them:

“When I ask questions and you say things like ‘wasn’t that obvious?’, you really hurt me and make me feel stupid. I ask questions because I want to ensure that I fully understand topics, but when you make negative remarks like that, it discourages me from wanting to learn and creates a hostile environment. Instead, I’d prefer if you either offered to answer my questions or remained quiet so the professor can answer them.”

(Shortform note: While the authors of Difficult Conversations agree with Brown’s recommendations for talking about feelings (like shame), they recommend a slightly different approach to truly ensuring a positive outcome. First, control your emotions before entering the conversation. Otherwise, you may engage in negative behaviors like yelling or blaming. Further, instead of sharing your fears, feelings, explanations, and needs all in one go, give the other person the opportunity to respond to each factor. After explaining why you feel the way you do, let the other person share their own feelings. Then, solve the issue together so that both parties' needs are fulfilled.)

How to Connect With Others

Once you’re able to effectively express your experiences of shame to others and ask for their support, Brown says that you can use these abilities to support others and prevent shame.

To support others, be willing to listen to their experiences and pain. When they share their story with you, you can laugh, cry, and feel their emotions with them by tapping into your own experiences. You can share your story with them and let them know that they’re not alone in their pain. You can reassure them that they aren’t defective and provide them with a critical perspective on shame to help them see the bigger picture.

(Shortform note: When you’re listening to others, sharing their emotions and stories, and offering them strategies for overcoming shame, how can you ensure you come across as sincerely empathetic rather than merely sympathetic or pushy? Experts offer various suggestions for ensuring the people you support feel truly heard and valued. First, don’t do things like change the topic, try to make the other person feel better by sharing your “worse” experience, or provide advice unless they ask for it. In addition, thank them for being brave enough to share with you, clarify that you understand what they’re feeling and why, point out their strengths, and remind them that you care and are always there to listen.)

Another way to support others and change the culture of shame is speaking up when you see people being cruel. If you’re in a group, you can stop a shamer by asking a question that makes them reconsider their actions, and you can redirect the conversation away from shame.

For example, if someone is casting doubt on another person’s intelligence, you can redirect the conversation by saying something like, “Maybe he’s really busy with work and didn’t have time to study. I wonder if it would help to form a study group and ask if he’d like to join.” That way, you’re making the shamer confront their negative actions while simultaneously suggesting a way to provide support to the person being shamed.

(Shortform note: If you’re constantly trying and failing to shift the conversation away from a culture of shame, the healthier thing to do might be to make better friends. Experts explain that our mindsets and expectations of what’s acceptable (and not) are often shaped by the people we spend time with. So if your friends seem unwilling to give up their shaming behaviors, the next best thing is probably to remove yourself from those friends and their shame culture, and make friends that have healthier mindsets and a stronger resilience to shame.)

When questioning and redirecting the conversation doesn’t work, directly address the issue with the shamer in a private conversation. Use the technique from the previous section to explain to the shamer how they’re causing shame, how it makes others feel, why it makes them feel that way, and how they can provide support instead. Brown emphasizes avoiding confrontation in a group setting because you’re likely to cause more shame when you bring public attention to the shamers' bad behavior.

(Shortform note: Many experts agree that holding others accountable for their bad behavior (like shaming) is important to creating positive environments and culture. However, others explain that it’s not always your place to do so—even if you think you’re witnessing a shaming incident like those Brown discusses. For example, maybe you think someone is being shamed and is too shy to confront their shamer, but they actually don’t feel ashamed at all. In this scenario, confronting the perceived “shamer” could create issues for everyone involved. Before interjecting on someone else's behalf, have a conversation with that person to determine how they feel about the situation and whether they feel intervention is necessary.)