PDF Summary:How We Learn to Be Brave, by Mariann Edgar Budde

In times that demand moral clarity and bold action, Episcopal Bishop Mariann Edgar Budde’s How We Learn to Be Brave explains how we can develop the courage to make choices we’ll be proud of in life’s decisive moments. Budde, who gained international attention when she publicly disagreed with Donald Trump, reveals that bravery isn’t a rare trait possessed by a heroic few. Instead, it’s a capacity we all share, and it grows through deliberate practice and conscious choice.

Our guide distills Budde’s insights for cultivating courage in your everyday life. You’ll discover how small, daily decisions build your capacity to act bravely, learn practical approaches to different types of choices that require courage, and explore strategies for sustaining courage through inevitable challenges. We explore Budde’s principles through diverse lenses—from ancient Greek philosophy to modern neuroscience. Whether you’re facing a life transition or seeking to live with greater authenticity and purpose, this guide will help you access the bravery that already lives within you.

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Why Cultivating Courage Matters

Courage isn’t just something we admire in others—it’s a vital capacity that enables us to live with meaning, purpose, and integrity. Budde explores why developing our ability to be brave matters for both our personal growth and our impact on the world.

Courage Helps Us Make Choices That Change Our Lives

The pivotal choices we make shape who we are and who we become, and our decisions alter the trajectory of our lives. As Budde explains, when we choose to act with courage, we often unlock hidden strengths and discover new possibilities we couldn’t previously imagine. These brave moments look different for everyone. For some, it might mean speaking truth to power or standing against injustice. For others, it might involve leaving a comfortable job to pursue a calling, committing to a challenging relationship, or facing difficult circumstances with dignity.

The power of these choices lies in their ability to change us from the inside out. They not only transform our external circumstances but also remake our internal landscapes—how we understand ourselves and our place in the world. Also, the ripple effects of our choices extend beyond our own lives. When we act courageously, we can inspire others, challenge broken systems, and create positive change in our communities. By developing courage, we expand our capacity to contribute to the world in meaningful ways.

(Shortform note: Brave choices don’t just change your circumstances, they rewire your brain. Because brains reorganize themselves in response to experiences, you can intentionally build traits like courage by internalizing positive experiences. After making a brave choice, take 20 to 30 seconds to absorb the moment. This helps cement that act of courage into your neural architecture. This process counters the brain’s natural “negativity bias,” which makes negative experiences stick while positive ones slip away. By savoring the experience of bravery—staying with it longer, thinking about why it matters, or feeling it more intensely—you strengthen the neural pathways associated with courage.)

Courage Allows Us to Live Authentically

At its heart, courage enables us to align our actions with our values. Budde contends that without bravery, we often default to choices based on fear or convenience rather than conviction. Cultivating a strong alignment between who we are and how we live plays a fundamental role in our well-being and sense of fulfillment. When our actions consistently contradict our values, we experience what psychologists call “cognitive dissonance,” an uncomfortable internal conflict that generates anxiety, guilt, and dissatisfaction. Budde explains that courage helps us resolve this discord by choosing integrity even when it’s difficult.

(Shortform note: When our actions conflict with our values, the resulting psychological tension—cognitive dissonance—feels uncomfortable. To alleviate this discomfort, we can change our behavior to match our values, adjust our values to justify our behavior, or use rationalizations to bridge the gap between our values and our actions. Most people take the path of least resistance, revising their beliefs rather than changing their behavior. Budde’s idea of courage involves taking the higher road: Developing bravery helps us resolve dissonance by aligning our actions with our principles rather than compromising our values.)

Budde emphasizes that living authentically requires honest self-awareness and the willingness to act on what we discover when we look inward. We need to understand what matters most to us and then choose to honor those priorities in our actions. This might mean speaking an uncomfortable truth, setting boundaries in relationships, or taking risks to pursue what’s meaningful. Authentic living doesn’t require us to never experience fear or doubt. Rather, it means we develop the capacity to acknowledge these feelings without being controlled by them. As Budde notes, we find courage not in the absence of fear but in our determination to move forward despite it—choosing what’s meaningful over what’s comfortable or safe.

(Shortform note: Budde’s insight that courage means acknowledging fear without letting it dictate our actions aligns with the idea of cognitive defusion, a tool that psychologists say helps us create distance between ourselves and our thoughts. Cognitive defusion emerges from the idea that our problems stem not from our thoughts themselves, but from our tendency to treat those thoughts as truths. When we recognize that we’re not defined by our thoughts, such as by saying, “I notice I’m having the thought that…,” we learn to accept our fears without letting them rule us. Rather than waiting for our fears to disappear, cognitive defusion lets us move forward while our anxious thoughts come along for the ride.)

Courage Creates a Path to Personal Growth

Budde points out that a crucial connection exists between courage and personal development. Without the willingness to be brave—to face challenges, embrace vulnerability, and step into the unknown—we constrain our growth. Whether we’re developing new skills, deepening relationships, confronting personal weaknesses, or pursuing ambitious goals, growth requires us to risk failure and face our fears. Budde contends that each time we choose courage over comfort, we open doors to development that would otherwise remain closed.

This relationship works both ways: Courage enables growth, and growth empowers us to be courageous. As we overcome challenges, we build confidence in our ability to face future difficulties. Each brave choice creates a positive cycle where courage leads to growth, which in turn makes future courage more accessible—and helps us become wiser and more resilient.

(Shortform note: Courage sometimes demands living at an operatic scale and making choices that change who we are. Novelist Alexander Chee explains that opera presents human experiences with larger-than-life intensity and dramatic consequences—as when his protagonists choose acts of courage that force a complete realignment of identity. In The Queen of the Night, Chee’s protagonist undergoes transformations from farm girl to circus performer to opera star. Similarly, in Edinburgh, a soprano in a boys’ choir faces difficult truths about trauma and identity. Chee explains that both novels follow characters “wrestling with fate,” illustrating that bravery sometimes involves participating in life-changing events.)

Budde also understands that in addition to being a personal virtue, courage is a spiritual practice and a tool for effecting social change. She explains that courage helps us transcend our individual concerns and connect to something larger than ourselves, enabling us to make choices that serve not only our own interests but the common good.

The Quaker Path to Courage: Living Your Values

Budde’s exploration of personal growth resonates with traditions of courage in another Christian denomination: the Quakers. For Quakers, courage doesn’t manifest itself in dramatic gestures but through consistent choices to embody your values with your actions—what some Quakers call “letting your life speak.” They believe that true heroism derives from conviction in a just cause and solidarity with others who share that conviction. This collective dimension of courage reflects Budde’s insight that brave choices create ripple effects beyond our personal lives.

The Quaker tradition also emphasizes discernment rather than dogma: Instead of rigid rules, Quakers are tasked with making thoughtful choices. This focus on living one’s values has historically positioned Quakers at the forefront of social justice movements. Long before it was socially acceptable, Quakers stood against slavery (the first documented protest against North American chattel slavery was by Quakers in 1688), promoted gender equality in the 1700s, and pioneered prison reform. Their willingness to take a stand despite social opposition exemplifies the kind of courage Budde describes as necessary for both personal growth and social transformation.

How We Practice and Sustain Courage

Understanding courage in theory is valuable, but Budde’s most important message is practical—how to develop bravery and maintain it throughout our lives. In this section, we’ll explore her guidance for building courage through daily practices, developing key virtues, navigating different types of challenging moments, and handling what happens after making brave choices.

Build Courage Through Small, Daily Decisions

Budde explains that when a critical moment arrives, we rarely have time to deliberate. Instead, we respond based on the habits and values we’ve already developed. With consistent practice, courageous choices become more natural because each small act of bravery builds your capacity for integrity and courage. To strengthen your ability to be brave, Budde says:

• Pay closer attention to the small choices you face and what they say about your values.
• Identify patterns that connect situations where you tend to choose comfort over courage.
• Deliberately make the braver choice, even when it feels uncomfortable.
• Speak up when you witness something wrong.
• Take responsibility when you make mistakes.
• Embrace new challenges that stretch your abilities.
• Let go of grudges that hold you back.
• Be more honest and vulnerable with others.
• Learn from failures rather than avoiding them.

Approaching Decisions Like a Zen Buddhist—or a Bayesian Statistician

When Budde emphasizes that courage grows through small decisions, she touches on an idea that connects to both Eastern wisdom traditions and modern neuroscience. According to Zen Buddhism, making brave choices in ordinary moments isn’t just about building a habit—it’s about training ourselves to navigate uncertainty with greater wisdom. Instead of simply weighing pros and cons, mindful decision-making in the Zen tradition involves sitting quietly with choices as open questions. This creates space for intuitive wisdom to emerge alongside analytical thinking, creating a clearer picture of how to navigate uncertainty.

The Zen Buddhist approach also aligns with discoveries about the decision-making process in our brains. Neuroscientists have learned that the brain has a remarkable ability to set aside existing biases when presented with new evidence. Rather than falling prey to confirmation bias (interpreting ambiguous evidence as supporting our current beliefs), our brains simultaneously consider multiple representations of reality. The brain weighs new information against our prior knowledge with what researchers describe as “an almost Bayesian-like, mathematical quality,” referencing a mathematical framework statisticians use to quantify uncertainty.

Bayesian thinking addresses the essential question Budde raises: How do we modify our beliefs as we gain new information? Bayesian reasoning asks three questions: How confident are we in our initial belief? If our original belief is true, how likely would we be to observe the new evidence we’re seeing? Lastly, what is the probability of observing this evidence across all possible scenarios (not just the one where our original belief is true)? This process brings beliefs into alignment with reality, and, when applied to courage, suggests that each brave choice gives us new evidence about our capacity for courage. We gradually update our beliefs from “I am someone who avoid discomfort” to “I am capable of brave choices.”

Develop the Virtues That Support Brave Choices

Courage doesn’t develop in isolation but grows alongside other qualities that support it. Budde identifies several key virtues that create fertile ground for courage to flourish:

Perseverance keeps us going when obstacles arise. Budde explains that while perseverance doesn’t have the drama of our initial brave choices, it’s essential for those choices to bear fruit. Without the ability to persist through difficulties, our brave beginnings often fizzle out when we face resistance.

Acceptance means embracing reality as it is, including difficult circumstances we can’t change. Paradoxically, accepting what we can’t change creates space for meaningful action where we do have influence. It prevents us from wasting energy fighting reality and instead helps us adapt creatively.

Faithfulness is about showing up consistently for our commitments and relationships, even when it’s difficult or our motivation is low. This steady dedication builds trust and integrity while creating stability in our lives and communities.

Humility allows us to recognize both our strengths and limitations. It keeps us open to learning, receiving guidance, and growing from our mistakes. Humble courage strikes the right balance between confidence and openness.

Self-awareness helps us understand our values, fears, and patterns of behavior. This understanding is crucial for making choices that align with our true selves rather than letting ourselves be driven by unconscious fears or external pressures.

To develop these supporting virtues, Budde says:

• Set realistic goals and celebrate small wins to build perseverance.
• Practice mindfulness to increase acceptance of your present reality.
• Establish routines that support the consistent fulfillment of your responsibilities.
• Seek feedback and mentorship to cultivate humility.
• Engage in regular reflection to deepen self-awareness.
• Surround yourself with role models who embody these virtues.

From Aardvarks to Whales: Cultural Ideas of Courage

Research on virtues across cultures reveals universal patterns and cultural variations in how different groups of people conceptualize virtues like courage and the traits that support it. A study examining virtues across 14 nations found that while some virtues (like honesty, respect, and kindness) appear to be nearly universal, others carry distinct value in specific cultural contexts. For instance, generosity is particularly valued in France, and certainty is uniquely important in Mexico. These cultural preferences reflect each society’s particular values and historical experiences.

The qualities that support courage also vary culturally—as do the models we look to as illustrations of bravery. In many sub-Saharan African traditions, for example, the aardvark is considered a symbol of courage due to its willingness to tear down termite mounds despite facing hundreds of bites. The aardvark’s thick skin, which helps it endure these attacks, parallels Budde’s virtue of acceptance: the ability to embrace difficult circumstances with resilience and make the best of them. Some tribes even wear bracelets made from aardvark teeth as good luck charms, believing they impart courage and protection.

Likewise, Nordic cultures have traditionally associated courage with perseverance through harsh conditions, whereas East Asian traditions often link courage to the virtuous restraint of one’s emotions. Within the Inuit communities of Alaska, courage is embedded in the relationship between humans and the natural world. Inuit whalers cultivate a deep, spiritual connection with bowhead whales, believing that respect, humility, and faithfulness are essential components of the courage humans need to hunt in dangerous conditions—and the bravery whales show by offering themselves up to the communities that rely on them for sustenance.

The methods for cultivating the virtues that support courage also vary across cultures, with parallels to the practical approaches Budde recommends. Inuit traditions, for example, incorporate communal rituals and elder mentorship that align with Budde’s emphasis on surrounding oneself with virtuous role models. Similarly, sub-Saharan African storytelling serves as a form of reflection and mindfulness that reinforces courage-supporting virtues. While the specific practices may differ, what remains consistent is that courage rarely develops in isolation—it requires a foundation of complementary virtues that prepare us to act with integrity when decisive moments arrive.

Take a Practical Approach to Different Types of Decisive Moments

Life presents us with various situations that call for courage, and each type requires a somewhat different approach. By understanding these different scenarios, you can respond with the right kind of courage when they arise. Budde offers guidance for handling five common scenarios that demand bravery:

When it’s time to go: Sometimes courage means leaving—a situation, relationship, or commitment that no longer serves your highest purpose. This requires facing uncertainty and the discomfort of new beginnings. Budde advises careful decision-making rather than an impulsive reaction, honoring what has been while embracing what could be, taking responsibility for your departure’s impact, and facing the unknown with hope.

When it’s right to stay: While leaving often seems like the brave choice, sometimes the greater courage lies in remaining where you are and going deeper. This means recognizing when your work is unfinished and embracing the challenges of constancy rather than seeking escape. Budde encourages “leaning into” your current life, finding meaning in daily faithfulness, and discovering growth opportunities within existing commitments.

When you need to start something new: Beginning a new venture requires a kind of courage that combines vision, initiative, and willingness to risk failure. Budde suggests moving forward despite uncertainty, being willing to adapt as you go, accepting imperfection as part of the process, and remaining open to unexpected directions.

When you face circumstances you didn’t choose: Some of life’s most significant growth comes through difficult situations we didn’t ask for. Finding courage in these moments involves practicing radical acceptance, staying present rather than escaping through denial, treating yourself with compassion, and sharing your authentic experience with people you trust.

When you’re called to step up: When opportunities align with your strengths, courage means embracing them with the appropriate amount of confidence. This involves recognizing your capacities, balancing confidence with humility, approaching challenges with enthusiasm, and maintaining a growth mindset.

Courage Across the Centuries: Virginia Woolf’s Orlando

Virginia Woolf’s novel Orlando follows its protagonist through an extraordinary 300-year lifespan during which Orlando transforms from a man into a woman, experiences multiple historical eras, and faces numerous pivotal decisions that illustrate the varied types of courage Budde identifies—from deciding to go or stay, to starting something new, accepting difficult circumstances, and stepping up to opportunities. Through Orlando’s experiences across centuries (and genders), we can see how these different forms of bravery manifest in a single life, albeit an extraordinary one.

The courage to go is central to Orlando’s early adventures, as the young nobleman leaves England to serve as ambassador to Constantinople, embracing uncertainty and new experiences with enthusiasm. Later, after transforming into a woman, Orlando demonstrates the courage to stay when she returns to her ancestral home despite the societal constraints placed on women, choosing to deepen her connection to her literary work and her land rather than seeking escape. Throughout the centuries, Orlando repeatedly shows the courage to start something new—whether embarking on literary endeavors, adapting to new historical eras, or rebuilding her identity after gender transformation.

Perhaps most strikingly, Orlando embodies the courage to accept circumstances beyond our control. When Orlando awakens as a woman after a week-long trance, she accepts this profound change with remarkable equanimity. This acceptance of a dramatic, uninvited transformation illustrates Budde’s principle that some of life’s most significant growth comes through circumstances we didn’t choose. But what makes Orlando particularly relevant to Budde’s framework is how the character integrates these brave decisions into their identity over time. The long timeline of Orlando’s life allows readers to witness how decisive moments accumulate to form a coherent and consistent sense of self.

Navigate the Aftermath and Integrating Brave Choices

Making a brave choice isn’t the end of the story—what happens afterward is just as important. By thoughtfully navigating what comes after making brave choices, you build a sustainable practice of courage that can serve you throughout your life. Budde highlights two crucial aspects of the aftermath of significant decisions that require ongoing courage:

The emotional letdown: After a significant brave choice, many people experience what Budde describes as an emotional letdown: a swing from their initial euphoria to doubt, emptiness, or even depression. This letdown can make you question whether your decision was right, but understanding that this reaction is normal helps you avoid being derailed by it. To navigate this phase, Budde recommends:

• Anticipating the letdown rather than being surprised by it.
• Staying connected to your original reasons for making the brave choice.
• Resisting the temptation to either retreat from your decision or overextend yourself.
• Allowing time for the significance of your choice to sink in.
• Leaning on supportive people during this vulnerable time.
• Being patient with yourself through the process.

Integration into your identity: For courage to become a sustainable part of your life, brave decisions need to be incorporated into your sense of who you are, rather than remaining isolated events. This integration transforms momentary acts of courage into a courageous way of being. To help with this integration, Budde suggests:

• Reflecting regularly on your decisive moments and what they reveal about your values.
• Allowing your personal story to evolve based on the courage you’ve demonstrated.
• Sharing your experiences with people you trust who can help you process their meaning.
• Applying insights from past experiences to future challenges.

Release, Receive, Return: The Labyrinth Model for Life After Brave Decisions

The post-courage letdown that Budde identifies isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a normal psychological pattern. The “arrival fallacy” describes our tendency to believe that achieving a goal will bring lasting happiness, only to discover that the joy is fleeting or absent entirely. Psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar, who coined the term, explains that we often overestimate how happy future achievements will make us, leading to disappointment when reality doesn’t match our expectations. After the initial rush of achievement subsides, we typically return to our emotional baseline, sometimes feeling even emptier than before because the promise of permanent happiness remains unfulfilled.

Budde’s advice for navigating this letdown aligns with psychological research on the arrival fallacy. Budde and psychologists both emphasize staying grounded in your original purpose for making the brave choice, resisting the temptation to think the temporary happiness isn’t worth all the trouble, and allowing yourself time to reflect on your choices. Psychologists add additional strategies: setting multiple concurrent goals rather than fixating on a single achievement, finding joy in the process rather than just the outcome, and prioritizing relationships, which research shows is the strongest predictor of lasting happiness.

For Christians seeking to navigate the aftermath of brave choices, spiritual practices can provide support. The Episcopal tradition offers a tool for mindfully integrating our experiences into our lives: the labyrinth. Unlike a maze designed to confuse, a labyrinth offers a single path leading to the center and back out again—similar to the journey we take through decisive moments. Walking a labyrinth involves three phases that parallel the process of navigating courage’s aftermath: releasing (letting go of expectations and distractions), receiving (remaining open to insights at the center), and returning (integrating what you’ve learned as you follow the path outward).

Many Episcopal churches maintain labyrinths as meditation tools, describing them as a way for us to learn to see “the wider pattern of our lives.” Whether physical or metaphorical, the labyrinth reminds us that the journey matters as much as the destination, and that integration—not just achievement—is essential for growth.