PDF Summary:How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie

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• Changing your behavior is hard. You have to review your notes and keep practicing these principles over and over until it becomes second nature.
• Like a swear jar, have other people monitor you and require you to pay up whenever you violate a principle.
• Reflect on your worst personal interactions and think about what you could have done better.

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*   It’s common for parents to criticize their children for failing to meet the yardstick of adults. Remember they’re just children, and that you once took your parents’ criticism the same way.

• Even when someone commits the gravest mistake, consider not lambasting her, but rather encouraging her to rise to her otherwise high standards of excellence.
  • Bob Hoover’s plane crashed when the mechanic inserted jet fuel instead of gasoline. Instead of lashing out, he threw his arm around the guy and said, “To show you I’m sure that you’ll never do this again, I want you to service my plane tomorrow.”
• Before you send an angry message to someone, wait overnight. More often than not you’ll dial back the anger.

Examples

• A wife asked a husband for 6 ways she could improve herself. Instead of listing a hundred, he waited a day to think, then bought her 6 roses and said “I wouldn’t change anything about you - I like you the way you are.”
• A safety coordinator found employees not wearing hard hats. Instead of rebuking them for violating safety code, he reminded the men that the hat was designed to protect them from injury and that if they cared about their...

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*   Every public speaker knows the crushing feeling of not receiving any praise for their sermon.

• Do not stray into flattery, which is insincere. You should only praise what you genuinely appreciate.
  • Commonly, flattery is praising others for things only you value yourself.
• “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” -Schwab
• Praise people publicly to make them feel important.

Examples

• Stevie Wonder, blind from childhood, had never been appreciated for blindness. One day his teacher asked him to help her find a lost mouse in the classroom, as he alone had the hearing to do it. He said this set off a new life.

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*   A freight terminal wanted a supplier to send its trucks earlier to avoid the afternoon congestion, which slowed down the whole system. The natural way is to start with the terminal’s own problems and requesting that the supplier conform to its expectations. Instead, the better way is to frame it in the supplier’s interests - delayed trucks cause congestion, which causes delays from getting the supplier’s goods delivered on time.

• If the other person disagrees with your course of action, make clear what the advantages and disadvantages of their alternative is. Get them to see the benefits of your suggestion.
• When applying to jobs, tell them how you can meet the company’s goals.
• Salespeople don’t sell products. They show how products solve problems, and people want to buy them. Customers like to feel they are buying - and not being sold.
• When getting people to participate in a social event, don’t talk about what you want and how lonely you are. Excite them about the possibility of the fun event.
• If words don’t work, sometimes showing works better.
  • A Shell territory manager was having trouble with one underperforming store and motivating the...

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Examples

• An editor said that he could tell after a few paragraphs if the author liked people. If the author doesn’t like people, people won’t like her stories.
• A famous magician didn’t see his audience as suckers. He was grateful they came to see him and endeavored to give them the very best he could. Before each show he repeated to himself, “I love my audience. I love my audience”
• It’s a common strategy for employers to ask front desk staff what they thought of applicants. Rude people are rejected.
• A banker interviewing a company president learned that the president’s grandson was collecting stamps. He dug up stamps his bank owned and offered them to the president, who was now much friendlier.
• A fuel vendor had tried to sell to a large chain store without success. Carnegie arranged a debate where they had to argue whether the chain store was better or worse for the country, and the vendor took the positive side. He approached the large chain manager asking for his help. The manager talked for two hours, proud of his company’s contributions to the world and even changed the vendor’s attitude. At the end, the chain store placed an order with the...

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• If you don’t feel like smiling, force yourself to smile. Hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were happy, and that will tend to make you happy.
  • Picture the type of person you want to be. This will make you seize the opportunities to fulfill that desire.

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• Get to know your customers’ names, especially if you operate a retail store.
• Get to know servicepeople’s names when you interact with them frequently.

Examples

• As a child, Carnegie had a large litter of rabbits. He promised that anyone who helped him pick clovers and feed would get a rabbit named after her.
• Later, Carnegie wanted the business of the Pennsylvania Railroad, run by Edgar Thomson, so he named the local steel mill “Edgar Thomson Steel Works.”
• He wanted to merge with the sleeping car company Pullman. When Carnegie mentioned the new company would be called Pullman still, Pullman became far more eager.

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Tactics

• To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other people will enjoy answering.
• Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
• Ask people you respect questions about their backgrounds. They may invite you to get to know them better.
• Everyone has gone through what they feel to be tough times, and they like to reminisce about them if they’ve overcome them. Ask about this.
• Even better, combine this with another tip: give sincere appreciation and praise. Tell them how fascinating the stories are, how you wished you had their knowledge of their experiences, how you must get together again.

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• If you’re applying to a job where the founder has a drive for power or money, then talk about how you’ll help them gain more money. If they’re more of a missionary, then talk about how you will achieve their mission.
• When visiting an elderly aunt-in-law, a man admired the house and its craftsmanship, when otherwise most relatives left her alone. The aunt showed him around and explained all the memories, then desired to leave her deceased husband’s car with the man because of his appreciation of fine things.

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*   (Shortform note: Even people of high stature need genuine appreciation, since they so frequently get barraged with people who want things from them.)

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If you still want to push your point, work them there through Socratic reasoning, getting them to answer “yes.” Get them to see your idea as theirs.

We’ve reordered the chapters to better reflect what you should do chronologically in a disagreement.

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*   “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.”

• Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully.
• Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

Examples

• A tax consultant was audited and felt the tax inspector had made a mistake. They were at a stalemate until the consultant admitted, “I’ve just had my training in theory and books. You have real experience in taxes. If I had your job, I would learn a lot.” The inspector then talked for a long time about his work, and eventually cleared the consultant’s case.

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• The president of a motor company was friendly to strikers - publishing an ad complimenting the strikers on their peacefulness. He bought them baseball bats and gloves and invited them to play on lots. This begot friendliness - the strikers in turn cleaned up the factory of their own will.
• Someone had a tough landlord who increased his rent. Instead of complaining about how this was unfair, he talked about how much he appreciated the house and the way the landlord ran the building, and how he would like to stay another year but couldn’t afford it.

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• A lumber salesman was having his company’s pieces rejected by the buyer’s quality inspector, who was unfamiliar with the white pine under concern. Instead of castigating the inspector for ignoring standard guidelines, the salesman asked questions about why each rejected piece was unsatisfactory, under the guise of figuring out how to deliver better shipments in the future. The inspector’s attitude changed, now being forced to consider the rejection criteria and realizing he didn’t have the full expertise to judge the white pine pieces.
  • The salesman then graciously insisted that while the pieces might be within standard code, if the inspector felt it was unsuitable, they would gladly have it rejected. The inspector began feeling guilty about rejecting any piece, and ultimately realized their company was at fault for not having specified the correct quality grade.

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Examples

• Dale Carnegie was reprimanded by a policeman for not having his dog on a leash, and while Dale demurred about what the harm would be, the policeman became more aggressive. The next time he saw the policeman and still didn’t have his dog on a leash, he admitted, “I’m guilty. I have no excuses. You warned me that if I did this again you would fine me.” The policeman softened - already having his importance acknowledged, he could show his importance further only by showing mercy.

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*   When discussing a project you don’t approve of.
    *   Approach 1: “I don’t see a way this project is going to work. It’s going to be a waste of time and money.” “You’re missing the potential for a big success.”
    *   Approach 2: “The downside of shutting this down right now is we’ll lose a chance at a big success. What do you think?” “I agree, but the chances of that success are pretty low, so we’ll try to reduce the risk.”)

Examples

• A salesperson was scheduled to pitch to his customer, but he lost his voice. He wrote it down on a piece of paper. The president of the customer's company volunteered to talk for the salesperson, praising their work and taking on the salesperson’s position.
• A mother had a child who repeatedly disobeyed her instructions on chores and when she could see friends. The mother typically only lectured, and the child would leave in a huff. One time, the mother asked why the child behaved that way and listened. The child confided her troubles, and the mother became more of a confidante than a lecturer.

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• Dale Carnegie was trying to advise teens not to burn down the forest: “Are you boys enjoying yourselves? What are you having for dinner? When I was a boy, I loved to build fires here myself. I know you guys don’t mean any harm, but other folks aren’t as careful. They see your fire, then they do it themselves, then they don’t put it out and it kills the trees. I don’t want to be bossy and ruin your fun. Could you rake the dry leaves away in case they catch an ember, and when you leave, cover the fire with a lot of dirt? This will make sure the forest is around for you to enjoy later. And if you see other boys doing this, pass it along.“

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*   Good Approach: “I know you have your reputation to uphold, and an elevator being down for 8 hours is definitely going to look bad to your guests. But imagine that we don’t shut down for 8 hours to put in this fix. The problem will continue getting worse. The cable will continue fraying, and when it fails, it’ll require a fix that will take 3 days to finish. Even worse, an accident might happen and injure your guests. I know this would be even worse for your reputation.”

• An artist manager had to deal with temperamental divas. One needed sympathy to get him on stage and frequently pretended to feel sick.
  • Response: “What a pity! Of course you can’t sing. I’ll cancel this engagement at once. It’ll cost you thousands of dollars and your reputation with your fans, but it’s no comparison to preserving your vocal cords.”

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• A customer of a motor company complained to a salesman about the temperature of the motors. It was burning his hand but the actual temperature was well under regulation.
  • Approach 1: “You’re wrong. Measure the temperature. The guidelines say it cannot be more than 72 degrees above room temperature. Let me know what you find.”
  • Approach 2: “I agree with you 100% - if these motors are running too hot, it’s our mistake and you shouldn’t buy any more. Now let me make sure I understand. You can’t have motors running hotter than the national guidelines - is that right?”
    • “Yes.”
    • “The guidelines say the motor can’t exceed 72 degrees above room temp. Is that right?”
    • “Yes, but your motors are much hotter.”
    • (Don’t disagree.) “How hot is this room?”
    • “About 75F.”
    • “That makes 147F. If you put your hand in 147F water, wouldn’t you scald your hand?”
    • “Yes.”
    • “It seems that our hands will always hurt above a certain temperature.”

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• Give references to your target customer to talk to. Through their conversations, she will come to her own conclusions.

Examples

• A designer sent hundreds of sketches for textiles to a manufacturer, having all of them rejected over years. He changed his approach - he sent unfinished sketches to the buyer, asking for a favor to propose changes that would turn into usable designs. The manufacturer obliged, and ultimately accepted the designer’s new designs.
• A medical equipment manufacturer wanted to sell a hospital its equipment. Instead of sending sales reps, they sent a sample unit to the doctor in charge, with a letter requesting the doctor contribute his expertise to improve the imperfect design. This made the doctor feel important. He studied the machine, discovering that he liked a lot about it, and. He had come to his own conclusion, instead of having it pressed on him by a salesperson.

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• A customer was upset about a bill and refused to pay. The collector explained that the company had failed to service the customer, and the collector was there only to listen and not offer an opinion. After the customer finished his story, the collector said, “We clearly mishandled this situation. That shouldn’t have happened. You were very fair and patient. So now I’ll ask you to do something special that no one else can do. I will ask you to adjust your bill, as though you were president of the company. We are going to accept your judgment no matter what you do.” The customer paid the full bill.
• When a celebrity wanted a picture to stop from being published, he didn’t say, “Don’t print this. I don’t like this picture.” He said, “My mother doesn’t like it.” All people have a mother they want to keep happy, and they understood.
• Rockefeller wanted to stop photographers from taking photos of their kids. “You know how it is. You’ve got children yourselves. You know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity.”
• (Shortform example: When the iPhone 4 had issues with call reception when part of the antenna was covered, people wanted Apple to kowtow. Instead,...

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• (Shorform example: Infomercials have iconic demonstrations of the product - a vacuum lifting a bowling bowl, waterpoof tape sealing a boat back together.)
• (Shortform example: Steve Jobs famously introduced the iPod as 1000 songs in your pocket, rather than droning about how it had 10 GB of storage. He also pulled the Macbook Air out of a manila envelope.)
• (Shortform note: Dale Carnegie himself uses this technique in the book, using examples of larger-than-life figures like Lincoln, Rockefeller, and Charles Schwab. The idea is, “if these techniques worked for these people, surely they’ll work for me.”)

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• Carnegie himself uses this in the book to convince the reader to accept his advice. “If you’re completely satisfied with your current position, why change? If you’re not satisfied, why not try what I’m saying?”

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Examples

• A subcontractor was delaying on parts. A manager from the construction company visited the president. First the manager pointed out that he had a distinctive name, the only one in Brooklyn. Then he commended him on the cleanliness of the factory. On a tour, he complimented the president on specific machines the president had designed. At the end of lunch, the president said he knew why the manager was here and said the parts would be shipped on time, even if they had to delay the other parts.

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• A eulogy writer passed the sermon by his wife. Finding it dull, she said, “that would make an excellent article for the North American Review.”
• A dentist noticed his cleaner wasn’t cleaning a metal cup holder. He wrote a note: “Thank you for your fine job of cleaning. Two hours twice a week is a limited amount of time, even for someone of your abilities. Please work an extra half an hour from time to time if you need to do those ‘once in a while’ tasks, like polishing the cup holders. Of course, I’ll pay you for the time.” He returned to find the office spotless.

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• A father wanted his son to stop smoking, despite being a smoker himself. He explained how he started smoking at his son’s age, how nicotine had gotten the best of him, and it was now impossible for him to stop. His cough was irritating and his health had deteriorated.

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Examples

• A manager of a manufacturing plant wanted to take a large order but wasn’t convinced they could service it in time. He asked his staff questions. “Is there anything we can do to handle this order? Can we think of different ways to process it?”

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• An employee made a mistake on a project that required redoing it. She apologized to her manager for the error and said she would have the report before the next meeting. She expected the manager to explode in anger.
  • Instead of criticizing her carelessness, the manager thanked her for her work; said it wasn’t an unusual error for a new project; expressed his faith in her and knew she had done her best; it was lack of experience and not ability that contributed to the error.
  • Because of this humane treatment, the employee resolved to never let him down again.

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• A teacher had a child known to other teachers as a bad apple. Instead of treating the boy accordingly and causing a self-fulfilling prophecy, she reversed course: “Tommy, I hear you’re a born leader. I’m going to need your help to make this the best class in the school this year.” Then she praised his every positive action in the first few days. He quickly revised his behavior.
• A store manager had inaccurate price tags on the shelves, confusing customers. He appointed an employee Supervisor of Price Tags. This responsibility changed her attitude completely.

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• Dale Carnegie was apprehensive about learning the card game of bridge, which he knew nothing about. His teacher said, “there’s nothing to bridge except memory and judgment. You’ve published tomes on memory. Bridge is right up your alley.”

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• A store manager had to clean the stockroom. He approached the employee:
  • Bad approach: “We need the stock room cleaned out for our visitors. Please put the room in order and polish the counter.”
  • Good approach: “We have a job that needs to be done right away. If we do it now, we won’t need to do it later. We have customers coming in, and I’d like to show them the room, but it’s in disarray. If you put it in order and polish the counter, it’ll make us look professional, and you’ll have done your part to show our company well.”
  • The latter approach appeals to the person’s pride in managing the stockroom appearance, and it points out the benefit of not having to do it later.

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• A father had a son who had suffered a brain injury and was a slow learner. The son didn’t know his multiplication tables by 7th grade and was downtrodden. The father created flashcards of arithmetic operations, and worked with his son to answer them correctly. Then he started timing his son, saying that when they could finish in 8 minutes, they’d stop. They started at 52 minutes, then the next night reached 48, then the next 45. They celebrated each little improvement. By the end of the month, he was down to 8 minutes.