PDF Summary:The Four Tendencies, by Gretchen Rubin

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There are 4 ways people meet expectations, and this determines their “tendency”: there are Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. The way each tendency generally responds to internal and external expectations is:

• Upholders meet all expectations, internal and external.
• Questioners meet internal expectations, but not external.
• Obligers meet external expectations, but not internal.
• Rebels resist all expectations.

Of course, how each tendency responds to expectations affects what each tendency needs to take action:

• Upholders value self-reliance and performance: tell them what needs to be done, and they’ll do it.
• Questioners value reason and purpose: if they feel what needs to be done is justified, they’ll do it.
• Obligers value teamwork and duty: hold them accountable for something, and they’ll do it.
• Rebels value freedom and choice: let them choose what they want to do, and they’ll do it.

Rubin also compares each tendency to a traffic light color:

• Red = Rebels: expectations bring them to a halt.
• Yellow = Questioners: they’ll proceed, but with caution.
• Green = Obligers: ask, and they’ll...

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4. Think of the last time you introduced a new habit into your routine and stuck to it. What helped you stick to it?

1. I find it easy to create habits and stick to them without help.
2. I researched the habit thoroughly and formulated a specific way I could stick to it and why it was important to me.
3. Someone held me accountable to stick to it.
4. I don’t like routines -- I like to do things in the moment instead of planning them in advance.

5. If other people complain about your behavior, what would you be least surprised to hear them say?

1. You stick to your routines and habits even when they inconvenience someone else.
2. You ask too many questions.
3. You don’t make time for yourself.
4. You only do what you want, when you want.

6. What description do you most accurately fit into?

1. I put others...

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They rarely feel resentful about what they have to do, nor do they get burnt out easily -- this is because they can easily fulfill their internal expectations, so they don’t feel they’re just doing things for other people all the time. Upholders enjoy fulfilling expectations for others but won’t agree to do something they don’t want to and don’t need to do, which helps them avoid resentment. They balance doing what others need them to do with doing what they need to do for themselves, which prevents burnout.

Upholders can do well in the following careers: business owners, consultants, freelancers, or coaches -- anything where they’re in charge or have to do work on their own.

Some other positive ways to describe Upholders:

• Self-starters
• Motivated
• Conscientious
• Reliable
• Thorough
• Stick to schedules
• Want to understand and meet expectations

Weaknesses of Upholders

Upholders sometimes follow the rules even when it’s better not to. Rubin (an Upholder herself) recalls waiting at a boat taxi stand that was clearly non-functioning because someone told her that’s the taxi stand she should wait at, when a taxi stand...

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Because they value efficiency and logic, they want to improve any process they’re involved in (unless it’s perfect in their eyes -- which probably means they designed it themselves). Doing things the wrong way or a harder way is unacceptable in a Questioner’s mind, and they’ll work tirelessly to improve systems.

They do thorough and exhaustive research, and make well-considered decisions because of it. Because of this, Questioners also serve as resources for others, and enjoy sharing their knowledge.

Questioners do well in careers that are research or systems-heavy, such as auditors, municipal planners, and scientists.

Some other positive descriptions of Questioners:

• Fair-minded
• Efficient
• Buck systems and trends
• Refuse authority without justification
• Data-driven
• Good devil’s advocate

Weaknesses of Questioners

Questioners’ refusal to meet expectations without reason can sometimes lead to trouble, particularly in school where students are expected to do things simply because the teachers ask them to. Others often find their questions tiring and obstructive, and feel like they raise needless questions and...

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When external expectations align with their internal expectations, they get to live their best lives.

They do well in almost any career, as long as it has external expectations, and do particularly well in some careers that require employees to continually go above and beyond, such as corporate law, social work, medicine, tech startups, and wealth management.

Some other positive ways to describe Obligers:

• Good bosses and leaders
• Responsible
• Meet others’ expectations
• Go the extra mile
• Do well with external accountability

Weaknesses of Obligers

Obligers simply cannot meet internal expectations, for the most part. They need external accountability to get anything done, and if they don’t have any, they have to organize it for themselves. Similarly, Obligers have a hard time self-motivating, and often need coaches or groups to help them accomplish things for themselves.

• (Shortform example: An Obliger makes a great employee because when a boss asks them to do something, they have no problem doing it on time and to the best of their standards. But if that same Obliger has an internal expectation to get in shape, they’ll...

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Strengths and Weaknesses of Rebels

Strengths of Rebels

Because they do what they want, Rebels are free from the pressures other tendencies succumb to in terms of expectations. They enjoy challenges if they can choose how to meet them, and do best when there are no expectations.

They revel in defying expectations: tell a Rebel she’ll never do something, and she’ll work hard to do that very thing to defy your expectation; tell a Rebel she’d be great at something and she should do it, she’ll deliberately avoid doing that thing to avoid fulfilling your expectation.

If it’s something they want to do, they work hard. Rebels with a cause can be incredibly useful -- they serve as the voice of dissent and an alternative to the status quo. Rebels teach everyone else that we’re “freer than we think”: we can do what we want to, and the world will still turn.

Because of their natural tendency to buck convention and expectations, Rebels can actually be very good at resisting harmful socially accepted habits, like smoking, drinking, and so on. And some Rebels are actually drawn to and thrive in highly regulated careers or environments, such as the military,...

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But frustration can arise -- neither tendency likes being questioned as to why they do something, but the tendencies have opposite reasons for feeling that way: Upholders believe things should be done when someone expects them to be done, and Questioners feel that things should only be done when there’s good reason to do so. Since these reasons are opposite, this pairing will find themselves getting frustrated with each other.

Upholders with Obligers

This is generally a good pairing in any arena, cooperative and reliable with external expectations.

However, Upholders tend to judge Obligers harshly for their inability to meet internal expectations, and aren’t sympathetic to the pressure Obligers feel when external expectations are placed on them.

Obligers can often find Upholders selfish when they meet their own internal expectations without caring about the external consequences. (Shortform example: An Obliger feels external social pressure to go to a work party, but their Upholder spouse would rather spend the evening in, recharging, prioritizing internal expectations over external.)

Obligers can also get frustrated that their Upholder partners won’t provide...

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The situation can escalate from here, with the police officer doubling-down and refusing to give the Questioner answers (even though the Questioner has every right to know what they’re being pulled over for) and the Questioner can become more agitated the more the police officer pressures them with external and opaque expectations.

Public Pleas for Action

One interesting way the information about four tendencies is useful is in the creation of public signage and requests. Often, signs in public are asking us to do something, but they may or may not be asking in the most efficient manner.

Rubin offers an example of bathroom signage written by Obligers, for Obligers: “Treat this bathroom better than your bathroom at home. In an office environment, be respectful! Keep it clean for others, if not for yourself.” This line probably wouldn’t be effective with Rebels, for instance.

She observes that signs “Thank you for not smoking” or “Keep off the lawn” make Rebels, especially, want to break those rules, and leave Questioners dissatisfied with the why of the rule.

Rubin cites the information-consequences-choice rule as a great format for all public signage: it...

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