PDF Summary:Far From the Tree, by Andrew Solomon

What happens when children turn out radically different from their parents’ expectations? In Far From the Tree, award-winning writer and psychologist Andrew Solomon explores how families navigate raising children with disabilities, mental illness, prodigious talents, and other identities that set them apart. His findings shed light on identity formation, belonging, and what it truly means to accept children as they are.

Drawing on over a decade of research and hundreds of family interviews, Solomon explains how parents can move beyond their initial struggles with unexpected differences to find meaning and joy in raising exceptional children. Our guide examines Solomon’s key findings while connecting them to other important thinkers on disability rights, gender identity, and the psychology of belonging. Whether you’re a parent, educator, or someone interested in human diversity, this guide shows how embracing differences enriches both families and society as a whole.

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In this way, a horizontal identity can grant a child access to a culture that’s new and foreign to their parents. Hearing people are often unaware that Deaf culture consists of unique values, traditions, and languages. They also might not know that some people who embrace Deaf culture reject the notion that deafness is a deficiency to be treated with interventions like cochlear implants. The Deaf community asserts that deafness is a natural human variation and rejects the idea that children need spoken language and hearing ability for normal cognitive development. Recognizing Deaf culture as a legitimate culture requires learning to perceive and engage with the world beyond the dominant hearing culture most of us are familiar with.

(Shortform note: Solomon's point about parents having to navigate unfamiliar cultural territory is illustrated in the documentary Sound and Fury (2000). The film shows that even when parents are familiar with Deaf culture, deciding how to raise a deaf child remains complex. When Deaf parents Peter and Nita initially hesitated about cochlear implants, they were worried about preserving their children's connection to Deaf culture. But they ultimately decided the technology could help their children access more opportunities, leading their daughter Heather to thrive in both Deaf and hearing communities. Their story demonstrates how parents must sometimes move beyond seeing horizontal identities as simply “conditions to fix” or “cultures to preserve,” finding ways to honor their children's identity while expanding their opportunities.)

2. We Want Our Children to Be “Normal”

Second, horizontal identities are challenging for parents who consider themselves “normal” because we want our children to experience life as “normal” people, too. This desire for normality can make it hard for parents to accept a child’s horizontal identity. It can also lead them to see the identity as a problem to be fixed, rather than a difference to be embraced. They might think the solution is to change their child’s identity—straight parents might want a gay child to be straight, or neurotypical parents might hope for a child with autism to be “cured” of the disorder. Yet Solomon explains this calculus often has more to do with the parents’ discomfort with their child’s identity than with any distress it causes the child.

What Is “Normal,” and Why Do We Want to Be Normal?

Many parents want their children to be “normal,” which they typically see as fitting in with societal expectations and experiencing life without major challenges. However, some psychologists argue that this fixation on normality is misguided. Many people feel a sense of being “different” or unable to conform to societal norms, and this can contribute to depression and existential discomfort. The desire to be normal is often tied to achieving traditional milestones, and we feel bad about ourselves when we fail to meet these standards.

Some psychologists contend that what we imagine as “normal”—a life without questioning or struggle—isn't actually healthy or desirable. Self-reflection, grappling with challenges, and yearning for growth are essential parts of human development and finding meaning in life. When we idealize a state of simply existing without struggle, we may actually be imagining a kind of stagnation that prevents personal growth and authentic self-expression.

This pursuit of “normalcy” is especially problematic because for many people, particularly those with stigmatized identities, it's not possible to just exist without struggle—or to ever be perceived as “normal.” Our concept of normality is a socially constructed ideal that fails to account for the diversity of human experiences. Marginalized groups like racial minorities, LGBTQ+ individuals, and those with disabilities or neurodivergences are excluded from the narrow definition of “normal.” So communities like the neurodiversity movement challenge these oppressive standards of normality, celebrating different ways of being and embracing nonconformity.

When parents confront horizontal identities in their children, their instinct to “normalize” their child's difference can manifest in various ways. Solomon explores this dynamic through two examples: how families navigate gender identity and disability.

Gender Identity

Though gender identity is deeply personal, many parents struggle to understand when their child expresses an experience different from their own. Gender identity refers to an individual’s internal sense of being male, female, or somewhere else along the gender spectrum. Most people’s gender identities align with the sex they were assigned at birth based on their biological characteristics. For transgender and gender nonconforming people, their gender identity differs from the sex assigned at birth. They may identify as male, female, nonbinary, genderfluid, or another identity that resonates with their internal experience.

Solomon writes that it’s crucial for parents to recognize their child’s gender identity as a fundamental part of who they are, not a phase or choice. When a child expresses gender variance or identifies as transgender, they need their parents to respond with open-mindedness, empathy, and a willingness to educate themselves and reflect on their own biases and assumptions. Creating an environment where children feel safe and comfortable expressing their gender identity and asking questions is crucial, as is using their chosen name and pronouns. Only when parents put their expectations and assumptions about gender aside can they help their children feel safe to be their authentic selves.

(Shortform note: Specialists agree with Solomon that accepting a child's gender identity is crucial when a child expresses significant discomfort with their assigned gender or comes out as transgender. They recommend expanding your understanding of gender terminology like “nonbinary,” “genderqueer,” and “genderfluid.” It's also important to respond with openness rather than judgment when your child discusses gender. When it comes to medical decisions, specialists emphasize the importance of working closely with health-care providers to understand all available options and their implications. Above all, experts stress the value of conveying unwavering emotional support and a commitment to understanding your child.)

Disability

The need to set aside expectations and question assumptions also comes up for families parenting children with disabilities. Solomon explains that though illness and identity (or cure and acceptance) might seem like opposites—or at least like mutually exclusive views of a horizontal identity—the reality is more complicated. Many traits that lead to horizontal identities, like a physical disability, can be understood as both illness and identity. By understanding their child’s identity in both of these contexts and seeing it as a normal human variation, parents can seek to alleviate a disability while also accepting the identity.

(Shortform note: Solomon's nuanced treatment of how illness and identity intersect builds on work by other thinkers. Like Susan Sontag in Illness as Metaphor, Solomon pushes back against oversimplified models of disability and illness. While Sontag specifically critiques the moral binary of “good and evil” that literature has constructed between health and illness, Solomon shows how traits that might be considered medical conditions can also be sources of identity and belonging. Eula Biss's On Immunity further complements Solomon's perspective by showing how health and disability affect not just individuals but entire communities as they shape both individual identity and our collective responsibility to create a more inclusive society.)

Solomon explains that setting aside the natural desire for normality can also prepare parents to question their assumptions about what gives a person value and what imbues their life with meaning. Disability refers to physical, mental, or developmental conditions that impair a person’s ability to function in certain areas of life. The perception of disability goes beyond the medical condition itself: Society shapes how disability is viewed and experienced. Historically, it was seen as a defect that needed to be fixed, and people with disabilities were often segregated, institutionalized, or denied basic rights and opportunities. This view stemmed from a medical model that located the “problem” of disability within the individual.

Over time, the disability rights movement has advocated instead for a social model of disability. From this perspective, disability arises not just from a person’s condition, but from the way society is structured to create barriers and prejudices against them. Being unable to walk is an impairment, but being unable to access buildings due to lack of ramps is a disability created by society. This social model sees people with disabilities as a minority facing systemic discrimination and exclusion, not just as individuals with medical problems. It calls for removing societal barriers and changing attitudes, rather than treating or curing individuals. It also recognizes disability as a natural part of human diversity and embraces it as an identity.

How Do Parents Navigate the Medical and Social Models of Disability?

The practical implications of the medical and social models of disability are significant for parents. Those operating from a medical model might focus primarily on treatments, therapies, and interventions to help their child function “normally.” In contrast, parents embracing a social model might balance medical support with advocacy for societal change, pushing for inclusive education, accessible environments, and shifts in how their child's difference is perceived. For example, parents of a child with autism might both seek helpful therapies and work to create sensory-friendly spaces, educate others about neurodiversity, and challenge assumptions about what constitutes “normal” social interaction.

Scholars also describe a third framework, the moral model, which views disability as a reflection of character, deeds, or karma. This perspective can manifest in harmful ways, like when parents blame themselves for their child's condition, or in oversimplified praise, like when people call disabled children “brave” or “inspirational” without seeing their full humanity. Solomon shows how parents must often push back against these moral interpretations while developing their own understanding of their child's disability—one that embraces both the practical challenges and the potential for meaningful identity and community.

Solomon also confronts fundamental questions about how society values human life, particularly when discussing severe disabilities. He examines and criticizes philosopher Peter Singer's controversial argument that not all humans qualify as “persons” deserving of moral consideration. Singer proposes measuring human value through capabilities like self-awareness and the ability to perceive oneself over time, suggesting that infants and people with severe cognitive disabilities might not experience their lives as people in the way others do. Solomon rejects this framework for measuring human worth, showing through his interviews how it fails to capture the value in the lives and relationships of people with severe disabilities.

Whose Life Has Value?

Critics join Solomon in rejecting Singer’s arguments that people with severe cognitive disabilities might have lives of lesser value or quality—an idea that disability advocates characterize as dangerous and discriminatory. This perspective finds support in the work of thinkers like Henri J.M. Nouwen, who argues in Adam that human value comes simply from existing in relationship with others, something every person does each day, regardless of their abilities.

This understanding—that worth isn't determined by what we can do but by who we are and how we connect with others—helps parents move beyond questions of whether their child's life has value to focus on how to best support their child's development and well-being. It also challenges society to create systems that support all families in caring for children with disabilities, regardless of their socioeconomic resources.

How Can You Parent a Child With a Significant Difference?

Solomon writes that parenting a child with a horizontal identity is a life-altering experience that presents unique challenges and opportunities. It requires a deep commitment, resilience, and a willingness to adapt and grow alongside the child. This section examines Solomon’s advice for parenting a child with a horizontal identity.

Understand and Accept Your Child’s Differences

Solomon explains it’s imperative to understand and accept your child’s difference, no matter what it is. Educating yourself prepares you to provide appropriate care, support, and accommodations. Accepting your child’s abilities enables you to nurture their strengths and foster a strong sense of self-worth. But Solomon acknowledges that achieving understanding and acceptance is a process: Parents have to come to terms with the emotional impact of having a child with unexpected differences or disabilities. It’s natural to feel grief, anger, fear, and even guilt. Yet it’s essential to work through these feelings to cultivate a mindset of hope for the child’s future.

(Shortform note: While Solomon advises parents to work through difficult emotions like grief and fear, some parents of transgender children confess that the initial fear can be overwhelming. Paria Hassouri writes in Found in Transition that fear left her in a holding pattern of indecision and inaction before she reached out to another mother who, like Hassouri, had been blindsided by her child coming out. Hassouri writes that some parents of transgender children maintain an optimistic outlook by focusing on the positive future possibilities for their child, rather than dwelling on potential challenges or negative attitudes from society. They also make decisions based on love for their child and what they need in the moment.)

When parents first learn about their child’s condition, the learning curve can be steep. For example, Solomon explains that autism spectrum disorder affects how a person perceives and interacts with the world around them: They may struggle to understand social cues, make eye contact, or engage in back-and-forth conversations; show repetitive behaviors (like rocking, hand-flapping, or repeating words or phrases); have restricted interests or experience distress with change; and experience sensory processing issues that make them hypersensitive or hyposensitive to certain stimuli. Parents have to learn about their child’s unique experiences to determine how to best interact with them, raise them, and advocate for them.

(Shortform note: As Solomon explains, it can be challenging for a parent who’s neurotypical to orient themselves to a neurodivergent child’s experience. That’s because a neurodivergent person’s brain processes information and experiences the world differently. Neurodivergent people may have autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, or various other intellectual and mental health conditions. Research shows neurodivergent individuals often have unique strengths and challenges in areas like focus, sensory processing, and problem-solving compared to neurotypical individuals.)

Another crucial part of the learning process is to acknowledge the importance of acceptance and find a community where your child can feel they belong. Solomon writes this can foster stronger bonds and healthier relationships within your family, and it can also help your child accept their own differences. Your celebration of what’s different about your child lays a strong foundation for self-acceptance. Helping your child find peers who share similar experiences or identities can help them feel validated (particularly during their teenage years, when peer acceptance is more important). Also, helping them find positive representation in media, literature, or public figures can inspire them to take pride in their identity.

(Shortform note: While nature isn’t always kind to animals with a disability, some species offer lessons for humans in acceptance and empathy. Certain species of dolphins and whales demonstrate care, compassion, and acceptance for disabled or injured members of their pod, rather than abandoning them. Pods have been observed assisting disabled members by bringing them food, protecting them from threats, and helping them surface to breathe. Dolphins and whales also sometimes adopt and care for abandoned calves from other species. These marine mammals may play games together and teach each other new skills, suggesting a capacity for empathy.)

Solomon contends that cultivating a more empathetic understanding of a horizontal identity makes society more inclusive for everyone with that identity. For example, by learning about the experiences of people with autism spectrum disorders, we make society more accepting of individuals with these differences. This can help reduce stigma and negative stereotypes, and the discrimination and social isolation they create.

(Shortform note: The relationship between awareness and acceptance isn't always as linear as Solomon implies. Researchers note that while many Americans recognize discrimination against transgender people, a sizable share believes society has gone too far in accepting them. Younger adults tend to be more accepting of transgender people, indicating that increased exposure may foster greater acceptance. But factors like knowing a transgender person, religious beliefs, and understanding of science shape people's perspectives on whether gender can differ from sex assigned at birth. Many Americans also say views on gender identity are changing too quickly, suggesting they feel their understanding is outpaced by social shifts.)

Solomon explains that by cultivating a better understanding of what people with a horizontal identity experience, we can also equip ourselves to advocate for the changes needed to make our world more inclusive of and accessible to people with this difference. For example, with a better understanding of what people with autism experience, we can become more informed advocates for creating environments, educational programs, and social opportunities that enable individuals with this difference to thrive and lead fulfilling lives.

(Shortform note: In the film Examined Life, philosophers Sunaura Taylor and Judith Butler discuss how accessibility enables social acceptance. Increasing physical accessibility, such as wheelchair ramps and lowered sidewalks, leads to greater social inclusion and acceptance of people with disabilities, as it allows them to be more visible and integrated in society. Butler and Taylor also explain that recognizing and accommodating diverse bodies and abilities is necessary for people to fully negotiate their identities, find social belonging, and thrive.)

Make a Practical Plan

It’s crucial to understand and accept a child’s horizontal identity—and also to figure out the practical aspects of how to best parent a child with a difference, especially one that constitutes a disability. Solomon explains that families need to plan how to meet the child’s physical, cognitive, emotional, and social needs. He recommends a range of practical strategies he observed in families parenting children with a variety of needs and circumstances:

1. Seek professional support: Solomon writes that it’s important to collaborate with health-care professionals, therapists, and educational specialists who have experience with children like yours. By assembling a team of professionals who can advise you, you can develop an individualized plan for your child’s care and development. Working with professionals can also help you ensure your child receives comprehensive support in all the areas they need it.

For example, if you have a child who is Deaf, professionals can teach you to communicate with your child in American Sign Language (ASL), to advocate for their educational rights to sign language instruction and accommodations, and to make informed decisions on assistive technologies like cochlear implants that align with the values of Deaf culture.

(Shortform note: While it’s crucial to seek professional support, some parents find it challenging to separate legitimate medical advice from pseudoscientific claims, like those that purport to offer a “cure” for autism. Some autism researchers warn that unproven interventions—like chelation, lupron, bleach therapy, prism glasses, and many others—prey on vulnerable parents and lack scientific evidence of safety and efficacy. Similarly, some experts dispute the link between strep infections and neuropsychiatric symptoms like OCD and tics in the controversial condition PANDAS: Large studies have failed to find an association, but some clinics market expensive tests and risky treatments like long-term antibiotics and immunosuppressants.)

2. Embrace early intervention: For many conditions and disorders, early intervention programs can significantly improve a child’s developmental outcomes. Solomon recommends finding and engaging with these programs as early as possible to maximize their effectiveness.

(Shortform note: Child development experts agree with Solomon that early intervention services can significantly improve developmental outcomes and life trajectories for children with delays or disabilities. The first three years of a child's life are a critical window when neural connections are most malleable. So, seeking early assistance for developmental concerns can enhance a child's ability to acquire new skills and increase their chances of success in school and life.)

Solomon explains that, for example, early diagnosis and intervention can make a big difference for a child with autism. Solomon explains that therapies such as speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, and social skills training can be started when your child is very young to address specific challenges and help them develop in a healthy way. Some families choose methods specific to their child’s difference, like applied behavior analysis (ABA) for autism spectrum disorders.

(Shortform note: While early intervention programs like ABA can provide practical support and skills development for some children on the autism spectrum, autism researchers and clinicians note that some autistic people have found ABA to be traumatic. Many autistic self-advocates report experiencing trauma, loss of autonomy, and psychological harm from traditional ABA methods that focus on rigid compliance and suppression of natural autistic behaviors like stimming. They raise concerns that ABA's system of rewards and punishments, and its emphasis on making children appear “indistinguishable” from neurotypical peers, is dehumanizing and negates autistic identity.)

3. Foster independence: While it’s important to provide your child with the support they need, Solomon explains it’s also crucial to encourage them to develop a healthy sense of independence and autonomy. Parents can teach their exceptional children life skills, promote self-advocacy, and involve them in decision-making processes as appropriate for their age and abilities. In doing so, they help their child live their fullest and most fulfilling life.

(Shortform note: Researchers say one specific approach that can help promote independence in all children is to frame everyday tasks like getting dressed as learning opportunities. By viewing these tasks through an educational lens, parents are less likely to intervene excessively and more likely to allow children to learn through exploration and hands-on practice. Helping children learn independently is also a cornerstone of the Montessori educational philosophy, which Maria Montessori developed by observing children with disabilities. She recognized their ability to learn through exploration and advocated for a child-centered approach that made room for their innate curiosity and concentration to guide their education.)

4. Build a support network: Parenting a child with disabilities can be emotionally and physically demanding. Solomon recommends seeking support from family, friends, support groups, or counseling services to maintain your well-being and prevent burnout. Finding other people who have experience with the difference or disability your child has can also connect you with an invaluable source of guidance and advice and with people who can empathize with your family’s particular challenges.

(Shortform note: Few people expect to parent a child with a horizontal identity. But as Solomon points out, there are many resources available to help parents who find themselves embarking on such an “unplanned journey.” Many parents of children with disabilities say that in addition to accessing available professional services, they’ve found it helpful to connect with other parents facing similar challenges. Being part of a formal or informal support group can help combat feelings of isolation and provide invaluable guidance. Reading books and online resources by parents who have walked this path can also offer insights to help families adapt.)

5. Advocate for your child: Educate yourself about your child’s rights, the resources they’re entitled to, and the accommodations for which they qualify. Solomon explains that parents need to actively advocate for their child’s needs in educational, medical, and community settings.

6. Celebrate milestones: Every achievement, no matter how small, deserves recognition and celebration, according to Solomon. He explains that it’s important to acknowledge your child’s progress and efforts, as this can boost their confidence and motivation.

7. Plan for the future: Consider long-term planning for your child’s future, including legal and financial arrangements, housing options, and potential guardianship or support systems. This proactive approach can provide peace of mind and ensure your child’s well-being is secured.

(Shortform note: While advocating for your child, celebrating their achievements, and planning for their future are important, some advocates advise parents to start with something simpler: learning to genuinely accept and not feel embarrassed by their child’s disability. A parent’s understanding of disability shapes the child’s experience. Parents might naturally see disability as a misfortune to battle, an embarrassment to hide, a practical challenge to face, an opportunity to build character, or an identity and culture to embrace. They might initially feel anxious, try to control their child’s behaviors, or feel ashamed, which sends a negative message to the child. But over time, parents can shift to a more accepting and affirming approach.)

Realize That Your Child Will Change You

Solomon writes that parents and children are shaped by their relationships with one another, and this mutual influence can be profound when a child has a horizontal identity. Solomon observes that when you become a parent to a child who is exceptional in some way, the experience often exaggerates your characteristics and parenting style. As a result, your influence on your child is more extreme—much better or much worse—than it otherwise might have been. In this way, who you are and your beliefs about the world shape your child and how they see themself and their difference.

But Solomon contends that in addition to making a parent more themselves, a child with a horizontal identity also changes the parent: To love a child who differs from what was expected, you have to change your idea of what kind of child you can raise, what kind of person you can build a relationship with, and what kind of human you can love. He explains that instead of loving a child for what they reflect back to you of yourself, you can love them as and for themselves. By learning to accept an exceptional child, you can expand your capacity for empathy for your children, for yourself, and for the wider diversity of human experiences.

How Parents and Children Transform Each Other

Solomon's observations about the mutual transformation between parent and child echo findings from developmental psychologists on how relationships shape identity. While all parent-child relationships involve growth and change on both sides, research suggests this dynamic is especially powerful when parents must stretch beyond their familiar experiences to understand their child's horizontal identity.

Psychologist Jennifer Crocker's research on “egosystem” versus “ecosystem” caregiving illustrates this. In egosystem parenting, parents see caregiving primarily as a means to satisfy their own needs, whether that's maintaining their self-image as a “good parent” or ensuring their child reflects well on them. In contrast, ecosystem parenting involves genuine concern for the child's well-being and seeing them as part of an interconnected web of relationships rather than an extension of the self.

Crocker's research reveals a fascinating paradox: When parents focus primarily on what their child's differences mean about them (egosystem), they often create exactly what they don't want—more stress, poorer relationships, and less support. But when parents can shift to truly focusing on their child's well-being (ecosystem), they often experience profound personal growth, expanded empathy, and deeper connections, even though these weren't their primary goals. This helps explain why, as Solomon shows, parents who successfully navigate raising a child with a horizontal identity often find the experience makes them not just better parents, but more compassionate and understanding human beings.