PDF Summary:Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman

For decades, IQ was considered a person’s primary predictor of success. However, in Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman challenges this assumption, arguing that emotional intelligence—the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions in ourselves and others—is equally, if not more, important. Emotional intelligence (EI) determines how well we navigate relationships, handle stress, and make decisions. Without it, our emotions control us, leading to behaviors that hold us back. Fortunately, unlike IQ, Goleman contends that EI can be learned and developed.

This guide explores emotional intelligence and why it matters. We’ll discuss the nature of emotion and its effects on behavior, examine the five components of EI and how to strengthen them, and explore practical scenarios where EI can be applied to your own life. In our commentary, we’ll supplement Goleman’s discussion with input from sources like Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves and studies from other psychologists.

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(Shortform note: While Goleman argues that empathy helps us understand others and form a basis for morals, other psychologists argue that empathy might not be all positive. For example, being empathetic makes you more vulnerable to manipulation. It also may make you less moral in a sense, as empathy underlies group bias—the phenomenon where people favor others who are like them because they can empathize with them more easily.)

Goleman contends that our empathetic abilities form in childhood and are influenced by the constant people in our life. For example, how our parents responded to our emotions—and the empathy they showed us—shapes both our capacity for empathy and our emotional expectations in adult relationships. Consequently, Goleman believes that treating children with empathy is important because it creates more empathetic adults in the future.

(Shortform note: While empathy is something we typically develop through childhood experiences, some psychologists question whether empathy can be taught in adulthood. One researcher argues that while empathy can’t necessarily be taught or compelled, it can be facilitated by encouraging behaviors like self-awareness (as Goleman suggests), positive, nonjudgemental attitudes towards others, good listening skills, and self-confidence.)

Relationship Management

Goleman says that the ability to effectively manage relationships is a result of the other four skills of emotional intelligence combined. When we recognize our own emotions, manage them, motivate ourselves to do better, and empathize with others, our personal relationships naturally improve.

The ability to manage relationships can be broken into four distinct abilities. Organizing groups is the ability to initiate and coordinate the energy and efforts of a group of people—an essential skill for leaders. Negotiating solutions involves avoiding or resolving conflicts. Personal connection entails using empathy to connect with others. Social analysis involves intuiting the emotions, motivations, and concerns of other people.

Strengthening Relationship Management Skills

In Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Bradberry and Greaves provide a few tactics to help facilitate relationship management skills and the abilities Goleman discusses above.

For example, embrace openness—share about yourself and take an interest in others, be accessible to people, and embrace feedback. This may foster the ability to organize groups and make personal connections because it minimizes barriers between people, whether they be friends or leaders and employees. This can also help with social analysis as it encourages people to share their thoughts and feelings with you.

Bradberry and Greaves also recommend handling tense situations effectively. This means responding appropriately based on others’ feelings, focusing on fixing problems rather than blaming people or making things personal, and handling uncomfortable situations rather than avoiding them. These tactics will help you negotiate solutions, as Goleman recommends.

Using Emotional Intelligence

Next, we’ll explore a few different scenarios in which Goleman says that practicing emotional intelligence is imperative. We’ll describe each scenario, why it requires EI, and how to put it into practice.

Romantic Relationships

Goleman writes that emotional intelligence is particularly important in romantic relationships. This is because emotional intelligence allows men and women to understand each other—the difference in how the genders handle conflict and express emotion, and their inability to bridge this gap, is the leading cause of breakups.

According to Goleman, women develop richer emotional vocabularies and stronger empathy because mothers discuss emotions more with daughters than with sons. This childhood exposure enables women to better express feelings, have difficult conversations, and understand others. Conversely, men are taught to suppress emotions, leaving them less equipped to process and discuss them. This creates a damaging cycle: A woman seeks connection through discussion, her partner withdraws, she criticizes, he withdraws further, and emotions escalate until one or both get emotionally hijacked.

(Shortform note: While studies affirm that women have higher general emotional intelligence than men, psychologists say it’s not that straightforward. An average woman might outscore an average man overall, yet score lower in specific areas. For example, she might excel in self-awareness, empathy, and relationship management, while he scores higher in emotional management and self-motivation. This indicates that having a higher score altogether doesn’t necessarily equate to one person or gender having inferior or superior abilities.)

Emotional intelligence breaks this cycle by fostering empathy and emotional control. Goleman argues that men must recognize that women raise issues to strengthen relationships, not attack them. Likewise, women should avoid turning their concerns into personal criticisms when they feel unheard. Both partners must listen to understand each other rather than to defend themselves, so they can grasp not just what’s being said but also the emotions beneath it. This involves validating your partner’s emotions and taking responsibility for your contributions to the problem. Finally, if the discussion gets too overwhelming, take a brief break and return to it later.

The Role of EI and Emotion Work in Same-Sex Relationships

Goleman explains that emotional intelligence is vital in relationships because it helps bridge the gap between men and women, as women are often more emotionally literate than men due to their upbringing. However, this analysis is focused on heterosexual couples—the question then arises, do same-sex couples face the same issues?

Researchers studying the effects of emotional work—the effort someone puts into managing their spouse’s emotional needs and well-being—found that emotion work more negatively impacts people when their partner is male. On the other hand, individuals whose spouse is female, whether in a heterosexual or same-sex relationship, experience less negative effects from emotion work. In other words, providing emotional support to a man in a relationship is more draining than providing it for a woman.

This could be linked to two points: first, the premise that men often have lower emotional intelligence than women, as Goleman points out, and second, that tension arises when one partner wants to do more emotion work than another. Researchers found that women in same-sex relationships see emotion work as less demanding because it’s mutual and partners express more gratitude for the other person’s efforts.

On the other hand, men in same-sex relationships do more emotion work than men in heterosexual relationships, but they find the work less stressful. This is potentially because partners are engaging in the same level of emotion work and gratitude—even if that level is low, their stress might be less because there’s no conflict over one partner pressuring the other to do more.

Raising Children

According to Goleman, raising children is another situation where emotional intelligence is crucial. This is because children learn emotional intelligence from the adults around them, and their emotional intelligence shapes how they navigate life’s various situations, ultimately determining their happiness and success in life. Children who are not taught self-awareness, emotional management, self-motivation, empathy, and relationship skills struggle in numerous ways—some of the most common being anger, depression, and eating disorders, all of which have long-term negative impacts on physical and mental health, as well as success in adulthood.

(Shortform note: Part of the reason emotional intelligence is learned during childhood could be the way our neural pathways form. In Habits of a Happy Brain, Loretta Breuning explains that our neural pathways—the connections in our brain that dictate thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—are mostly formed by the time we’re seven years old. Neural pathways form when neurons transmit electrical signals, and this is facilitated by myelination—the process by which neurons develop a fatty coating that lets them conduct electricity better and send signals more effectively. This myelination process begins to slow significantly once we turn eight, hence the slowdown in development that Bruening observes.)

Goleman specifies two specific forces that influence how children are raised and their capacity for emotional intelligence: their family and their schooling. In the following sections, we’ll discuss each of these forces and their impact on children.

The Family

Goleman explains that many of the problems children develop—including anger, depression, and eating disorders—are the result of dysfunctional families where parents lack emotional intelligence.

Parents who are emotionally unstable, abusive, or emotionally neglectful create angry kids. Parents who don’t spend quality time or build connections with their children create depressed kids. Parents who don’t teach their children to understand and manage their emotions can contribute to the lack of emotional understanding that leads to eating disorders.

(Shortform note: In Healing The Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw explains that toxic parents and the lessons they teach their kids can result in an even more severe issue than a lack of emotional intelligence—toxic shame. As opposed to healthy shame that teaches us right from wrong, toxic shame occurs when we’re taught by caregivers that our mistakes and other sources of shame make us inherently bad or unworthy. We then internalize our shame and it becomes part of our identity, controlling our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions in a way that causes us to act destructively toward ourselves and others. Ultimately, people carrying toxic shame will likely fail to achieve happiness and fulfillment until they heal.)

To avoid these outcomes, Goleman says parents must model emotional intelligence and actively help their children develop it. To do so, parents should take their children’s emotions seriously and strive to understand them. They should view emotional moments as opportunities to coach their kids on the right way to handle things and provide positive alternatives for managing big emotions. Finally, parents should turn this advice toward themselves, ensuring they actively strive to understand and control their own emotions and reactions.

(Shortform note: Experts add a few specific tips to help parents set a good example and teach their kids positive emotional habits. For example, you want to teach your child to be tough, but there are situations where this lesson should and shouldn’t apply. Therefore, if your kids don’t want to go to school because they want to sleep in, telling them to “get over it” is fair. On the other hand, you shouldn’t tell your child to “get over it” if they’re feeling sad. Instead, you should talk with your child to try to get to the root of the issue. In this conversation, you can teach your child emotional vocabulary to help them better understand what they’re feeling.)

At School

While the family is usually the first point of contact for teaching children emotional intelligence, Goleman notes that family influence has diminished as increasing financial and career pressures distance parents from children. If a parent is always working or worrying about money, it’s hard to spend enough time with children to build a connection and leave a lasting impact. However, there’s another line of defense—schools.

What children don’t learn at home, they learn at school. This can be good and bad—good because schools have the opportunity to teach emotional intelligence skills kids might not get at home, and bad because they often fail to do so. Luckily, Goleman points out a few ways schools and teachers can make sure students get the support they need. First, schools should teach emotional intelligence from preschool through high school, with age-appropriate focus—impulse control for young children, self-image for elementary students, and self-esteem for teenagers.

Further, emotional intelligence training can be integrated into existing curricula—for example, students can read books on emotional intelligence skills in language arts class. Finally, schools and teachers should ensure that disciplinary protocols are teaching children the right lessons—for example, if students are fighting, teach them how to appropriately express their emotions and suggest a solution that works for both students instead of just handing out detention slips.

Teach Emotional Intelligence Without Coddling

In The Coddling of the American Mind, Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt reiterate the role school plays in shaping kids’ beliefs and abilities. While it’s important to teach kids how to understand and handle emotions, as Goleman explains, Lukianoff and Haidt warn the education system not to get too soft. In the effort to protect kids’ emotions, Lukianoff and Haidt explain that schools have been teaching kids three bad ideas: that they should avoid discomfort and bad experiences at all costs, they must always trust their emotions over reason, and that the world is made up of two types of people—good and bad—and that there’s no middle ground.

According to the authors, these ideas ultimately protect children’s emotions, but prevent them from gaining wisdom by overly insulating them. They ignore sentiments that they find inappropriate or offensive, avoid material that may be upsetting, and avoid experiences that may be uncomfortable. As a result, they end up understanding less about the world and failing to develop a sense of resilience. Lukianoff and Haidt argue that these experiences are a crucial component of emotional development, so if schools protect students’ emotions too much, they’ll end up defeating their own purpose of preparing students to succeed in life.

At Work

Goleman explains that emotional intelligence is imperative at work because a lack of it leads to low productivity, more mistakes, missed deadlines, and employee turnover. These effects often trace back to two issues rooted in low emotional intelligence: prejudice and friction among employees.

Prejudices are negative assumptions about entire groups—which manifest as racism, sexism, and xenophobia, among others—learned through socialization before we’re old enough to form our own views. Therefore, they’re based on what we’re taught to believe rather than what we’ve experienced to be true. Prejudice kills workplace productivity because it prevents employees from getting along and effectively collaborating. Emotional intelligence helps people recognize prejudice—in themselves and others—and speak up against it.

(Shortform note: While emotional intelligence can help you identify prejudice, according to Goleman, this might not always be the case—especially if the prejudice isn’t strong. One way you can identify the prejudices you and your colleagues may have is by taking Harvard’s Implicit Association Test (IAT). The test asks questions to measure the implicit associations you make between certain positive and negative labels—like “yucky” and “sadness” versus “excellent” and “smiling”—and groups like Christians versus Jews. Your implicit associations will then be measured against responses by other demographics to help you identify where your prejudices might lie.)

Further, without emotional intelligence, employees struggle to collaborate, and friction arises—even when prejudice is absent. Most jobs can’t be done by one person or department alone, so people must be able to effectively communicate and work with others. This also entails being self-aware enough to recognize when you’re creating a problem—for example, by being a micro-manager, not contributing enough to a team project, or making decisions without considering others.

Goleman explains that often, increasing emotional intelligence in the workplace is the responsibility of the manager. Managers can combat low emotional intelligence by working on improving feedback—both giving and receiving. For example, when they spot a problem, they should give feedback early before it can escalate. Further, be sure to give praise before criticism, be specific about the problem, offer solutions, use empathy, and give feedback in person. When receiving feedback, avoid defensiveness by taking responsibility for your actions and impacts, and remember that feedback is a tool for self-improvement—listening to it will make you more effective.

Encourage Emotional Intelligence and Collaboration Through Inspirational Leadership

In Trust and Inspire, Stephen Covey argues that the best way to increase collaboration and encourage leaders to model emotional intelligence is to promote an inspirational leadership method instead of traditional models. Whereas traditional leadership is concerned more about speed and efficiency than employee well-being and uses carrot-and-stick methods of motivation, inspirational leadership focuses on trusting and inspiring employees to achieve their full potential at work. This modern method is effective because it boosts not only collaboration, but creativity and innovation as well.

For leaders to practice inspirational leadership, Covey says they must adopt five core beliefs: 1) that everyone has a higher potential to achieve, 2) that people’s needs are dynamic and important, 3) that there’s enough of everything—success, money, resources, and recognition—for everyone, 4) that their role is to serve others, and 5) that change starts with the leader. Acting in accordance to these beliefs requires you to also adhere to Goleman’s advice about applying EI—giving and receiving feedback productively and communicating issues effectively.

In Medicine

Finally, Goleman explains that emotional intelligence is critical in health care and medicine because sickness and health are rooted in emotions. Many negative health effects stem from anger, anxiety, and depression.

For instance, Goleman points out that anger reduces your heart’s pumping efficiency. While it can’t cause heart problems, chronic anger has a significant correlation to dying younger, and in patients with preexisting heart conditions, chronic anger can be fatal. Likewise, anxiety suppresses your immune system, and can make you more vulnerable to infections and disease. Depression negatively interferes with your ability to recover by affecting your energy and your will to take care of yourself. As a result, doctors should take emotional interventions just as seriously as they do medical interventions—many issues may stem from or be worsened by a patient’s emotional state.

Goleman makes a few recommendations for medical offices that would like to increase emotional intelligence. First, he recommends giving patients reassurance and autonomy by offering more information on diagnoses and providing programs that teach them how to ask their doctors effective questions so they can make more informed decisions about their health. Further, the health care industry can address anxiety for presurgery patients through relaxation techniques, design and build recovery rooms that allow families to care for recovering patients, and put programming in place to increase the emotional intelligence of all staff.

The Effect of Emotions on Physiology and How Doctors Can Handle It

In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk reinforces Goleman’s argument that emotions profoundly impact physical health by explaining how trauma affects the body’s systems. Van der Kolk demonstrates that trauma and chronic stress fundamentally alter the brain and nervous system, particularly affecting how the body processes threat and safety. When people experience ongoing emotional distress, their bodies remain in hyperarousal, with stress responses that were meant to be temporary becoming chronic.

Van der Kolk’s research shows that this dysregulation manifests in various physical symptoms and illnesses as the body loses its ability to return to a calm state. Patients with unresolved trauma often develop chronic pain, autoimmune issues, and other conditions that traditional medicine struggles to treat because doctors focus on physical symptoms while ignoring their traumatic origins.

Van der Kolk’s work validates Goleman’s recommendation that doctors should take emotional interventions seriously, but he also suggests that the health care system needs a more radical shift. Simply providing information may not be enough for trauma patients. Van der Kolk argues that effective treatment requires body-based therapies—like yoga, desensitization therapy, and neurofeedback—that help patients reconnect with their physical sensations and restore the nervous system’s natural regulation.