PDF Summary:Dealing with People You Can’t Stand, by Rick Brinkman and Rick Kerschner

In Dealing with People You Can't Stand, Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner assert that difficult behaviors are not innate personality flaws, but rather misfired positive intentions. Through this lens, you'll learn to understand the core motivations driving challenging behaviors—from stubborn aggression to excessive complaining—and respond more effectively.

The authors provide actionable strategies for disarming confrontational attitudes, productive communication techniques for fostering mutual understanding, and tailored approaches for specific behavior types. With patience and insight into others' perspectives, you can transform workplace tensions and nurture more positive relationships.

(continued)...

Offering recommendations for different ways of acting.

Explore the impact of their behavior on everyone involved and suggest alternative behaviors that could lead to more positive outcomes for everyone. Highlight the benefits to the other person when presenting your suggestions: "I believe establishing a definite timeline for this project would be advantageous. By embracing this strategy, we can maintain our focus and alleviate tension as we proceed forward. By suggesting that your concepts are collaborative endeavors and highlighting the positive outcomes, you increase the likelihood of acceptance and the initiation of change.

Other Perspectives

• Establishing rapport may not always be possible or effective, especially if the individual is not open to dialogue or is highly combative.
• Blending with a difficult individual's behavior could potentially reinforce negative behaviors if not done carefully and with clear boundaries.
• Steering the discussion towards a different path may not address the root causes of the difficult behavior, leading to temporary rather than long-term solutions.
• Utilizing body language and expressions to foster a bond might be misinterpreted as manipulative or inauthentic if not matched with genuine intent.
• Strategies such as backtracking and clarifying can sometimes lead to over-analysis or excessive focus on details, which might detract from addressing the broader issues at hand.
• Joint problem-solving assumes that both parties are willing to compromise, which may not always be the case in every situation.
• Focusing too much on creating a secure and cozy environment could potentially avoid addressing necessary confrontations and difficult truths that need to be acknowledged.
• Reflecting a conversation partner's words and posing inquiries can sometimes lead to a parroting effect, where the listener is not contributing new ideas or perspectives to the conversation.
• Articulating your perspective openly without defensiveness is ideal but may not always be practical, especially in emotionally charged situations where defensiveness is a natural response.
• Using personal remarks, even when focused on outcomes, can still be perceived as passive-aggressive or personal attacks if not communicated with care.
• Offering recommendations for different ways of acting may be seen as overstepping or patronizing, especially if the individual is not seeking advice or is resistant to feedback.

Tailored strategies for managing a range of difficult behaviors.

The book delves into specific strategies for managing thirteen of the most difficult behavioral types. The authors emphasize the necessity of not just possessing strong communication abilities but also tailoring your interaction strategies to effectively engage with specific types of behavior to achieve the best results.

Engaging with individuals who display aggressive defiance, subtle disobedience, unwarranted overconfidence, or a misplaced belief in their extensive expertise.

Individuals who exhibit a pronounced tendency for assertiveness or mild aggression, along with an unshakeable belief in their own expertise, invariably prioritize the attainment of objectives and the realization of results. However, their approaches differ significantly, necessitating tailored strategies to handle their conduct. The authors emphasize the significance of remaining resolute, projecting assurance, and keeping a steadfast attention on predefined limits and the outcomes one aims to achieve.

Concisely state your stance and guide the dialogue to focus on the pressing matters.

When interacting with a Tank, Brinkman and Kirschner suggest adopting a calm and confident demeanor. To maintain composure, one should refrain from counterattacking or withdrawing, keep a consistent gaze, and focus on breathing deeply. Interrupt their focused inner conversation by consistently addressing them with their given name. Capture their attention, then succinctly reflect the core of their argument back to them to demonstrate your comprehension of their perspective and to steer the dialogue. Direct the discussion decisively towards the central matter while articulating your perspective with clarity and assurance. Should a manager with the forthright demeanor akin to that of a Tank inquire about the progress of a project with the question, "Why isn't this project completed yet?" Acknowledging the urgency, I still hold the conviction that dedicating sufficient time now will yield better outcomes in the long run.

To counteract Snipers, it's essential to expose their concealed criticisms. The authors suggest taking a moment to reflect upon detecting a sarcastic comment, scrutinizing it closely, and then politely requesting clarification with the question, "Could you clarify your statement?" Address the matter directly by inquiring about its relevance to the present situation, which encourages a concentration on the relevant issue. If the sniping escalates to a degree that resembles an aggressive Tank-like offensive, employ the strategies designed for managing Tanks. Initiate a conversation with individuals who detract from your efforts by sharing your observations and seeking additional clarification.

When interacting with an individual convinced of their own infallibility, it's crucial to come prepared and maintain composure. Make sure to thoroughly verify your information and be prepared for any potential challenges. Begin the conversation by recognizing their point of view and thoughtfully incorporating their concerns and hopes before you introduce your perspective. For example, one could acknowledge the economic factors and communicate confidence in the long-term cost-efficiency of the proposed approach. Let's consider the latest studies together and explore your insights on them, shall we?

To gain the respect of your colleagues, it's crucial to remain composed and confident.

To effectively lead individuals who are fixated on tasks and present challenges, it's crucial to remain composed and self-assured, ensuring they acknowledge your leadership. Tanks admire displays of strength. Once snipers are exposed, their influence over situations lessens. Individuals who consider themselves knowledgeable often pay attention to those they hold in high esteem for their expertise. By mastering your emotional reactions and expressing your ideas clearly and assertively, you can change the direction of the interaction and guide their behavior toward a better result.

Navigating the difficulties presented by individuals who are habitual complainers, those who consistently express negativity, and those who assess others or display tendencies towards perfectionism.

Perfectionistic tendencies, such as complaining, pessimism, and critical declarations, originate from an underlying drive for precision and correctness. Brinkman and Kirschner provide targeted tactics to mitigate the exhausting effects of such conduct.

Rather than immediately agreeing, arguing, or offering solutions, focus on identifying methods to tackle the issue at hand.

The authors advise steering clear of four typical errors while engaging with habitual complainers: refrain from concurring, opposing, offering fixes, or probing into the origins of their grievances. These reactions perpetuate a hostile atmosphere and trap the individual in a cycle of helplessness. To successfully handle individuals who frequently express complaints, one must demonstrate patience, recognize their issues, and focus on identifying solutions.

Altering our viewpoint to discern the underlying purpose and guide the conversation towards a fresh path.

Reframing plays a crucial role in transforming discussions from a pessimistic perspective to a focus on creating solutions. Brinkman and Kirschner recommend carefully listening to the primary complaint and quickly acting to prevent negativity from proliferating. Inquiring for detailed information by posing questions that seek clarification. Instead of provoking additional negative responses by questioning the problem, consider inquiring, "What result do you hope to achieve?" or "Could you propose an alternative solution?" We encourage the development of practical strategies by centering our conversations around the objectives we aim to achieve.

Engaging with individuals who frequently require validation, including those who habitually concur, those who struggle to make decisions, and those who react with volatile emotions.

Individuals who seek approval often prioritize receiving affirmation and commendation over their own needs and abilities. The authors stress the importance of creating a safe and supportive environment that promotes open communication, thereby helping people to develop clearer expectations and more reliable behaviors.

Creating a setting that fosters open dialogue regarding their strong points and opportunities for growth.

Foster an atmosphere conducive to open dialogue by highlighting your commitment to a constructive partnership and valuing their readiness to openly discuss their difficulties. Your willingness to participate is appreciated, and it is crucial to ensure that you have ample time and resources to fully commit to this endeavor. What is hindering your progress?

Using positive reinforcement to cultivate more reliable behaviors.

The authors, Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner, emphasize the importance of fostering an optimistic outlook. I am confident in your dedication to fulfilling your duties and I place my trust in your capability to oversee this responsibility. Ensure that tasks are divided into distinct and achievable segments, and employ written agreements to reinforce responsibility. Express genuine appreciation for their efforts, making it clear that their dedication and the quality of their work have not gone unnoticed: "The quality of your report was outstanding, and your reliability is deeply appreciated." The team experienced a significant positive change.

Other Perspectives

• While tailored strategies are important, one-size-fits-all approaches can sometimes be effective due to commonalities in human behavior.
• Strong communication abilities are crucial, but they must be complemented by active listening and empathy to truly understand and manage difficult behaviors.
• Asserting predefined limits is important, but flexibility in negotiations can sometimes lead to better outcomes.
• The strategies for engaging with Tanks and Snipers may not work if these individuals perceive the techniques as manipulative or patronizing.
• The advice for dealing with individuals convinced of their infallibility may not be effective if those individuals are not open to dialogue or if they perceive the engagement as a challenge to their authority.
• The recommendation to remain composed and confident can be misinterpreted as advocating for a lack of authenticity or emotional expression in the workplace.
• The tactics for managing habitual complainers might not address the root causes of their behavior, which could be a result of systemic issues within the organization.
• Reframing discussions to be solution-focused may inadvertently dismiss valid concerns that require attention rather than a quick shift towards solutions.
• The emphasis on creating a safe and supportive environment is important, but it may not be sufficient for individuals who require professional help to deal with underlying psychological issues.
• Positive reinforcement is useful, but over-reliance on it can lead to dependency and may not encourage intrinsic motivation.
• Dividing tasks into achievable segments is helpful, but it may oversimplify complex tasks that require a more nuanced approach.
• Written agreements can reinforce responsibility, but they can also create an overly bureaucratic and trustless work environment.
• Expressing genuine appreciation is key, but it must be balanced with constructive feedback to ensure continuous improvement.

Shift your approach and viewpoint to effectively engage with challenging individuals.

The authors emphasize the necessity of not just possessing appropriate abilities and tactics but also controlling your perspective and mental stance when engaging with difficult people. This involves developing tolerance, empathy, and an understanding that acknowledges the personal aspects within challenging conduct.

Cultivating tolerance, empathy, and an understanding that recognizes the human aspects in challenging behaviors.

The authors stress the importance of approaching difficult individuals with empathy and a willingness to comprehend their perspectives. Keep in mind that such behaviors often conceal unmet insecurities, fears, or needs. Endeavor to perceive the inner child, the susceptible person endeavoring to manage a difficult circumstance. Consider the past events that could have influenced their viewpoint and resulted in their present actions. Shifting your perspective can help you detach from strong emotions and foster a response that more effectively promotes positive outcomes.

Employing strategies of mental detachment, such as reevaluating the situation in your mind and contrasting it with other experiences, can help you gain a broader view.

The authors outline a range of tactics to master one's reactions. Mental reframing is about shifting your viewpoint to perceive the situation in a new light. Consider interpreting a critical judgment not as a personal attack, but rather as an awkward attempt to provide help, even if it's not expressed elegantly. Evaluating current situations in light of more challenging hurdles you've faced or imagined can help diminish their importance.

Keep a watchful eye on your inner dialogue and substitute pessimistic ideas with positive affirmations.

Brinkman and Kirschner stress the importance of the conversations we have with ourselves. Consciously monitor the internal dialogues you engage in and intentionally replace negative thoughts with more optimistic ones, like "Not this situation once more!" with more constructive self-talk, such as "I choose to respond calmly and effectively, regardless of their behavior." By consciously changing the internal dialogues, you can transform irritations into practical measures.

Recognizing and tackling the difficult elements of your personal behavior.

This essential introspection requires a sincere evaluation of your personal conduct. The writers acknowledge that occasionally, a person may be seen as difficult by another. Reflect on occasions where you might have exhibited such unfavorable behavior. What is it that you aim to achieve? How might others have perceived your actions? Enhancing your interactions necessitates recognizing and rectifying your own flaws and behavioral patterns.

Strategies for confronting and improving your own problem behaviors

Brinkman and Kirschner individually tackle challenging behaviors, providing targeted strategies to alter detrimental patterns. Take a moment to compose yourself, ensuring that you control the pitch and volume of your speech, and consider the viewpoints of others before sharing your own. Before you present your viewpoint, it's important to acknowledge the contributions of others and consciously choose supportive words rather than falling back on sarcasm. By recognizing and improving upon your own shortcomings, you set in motion a series of events that improve your engagements with others.

Other Perspectives

• While cultivating tolerance and empathy is generally positive, there may be situations where too much tolerance of negative behavior can enable or reinforce that behavior, potentially leading to a lack of accountability.
• Mental detachment strategies can be useful, but they might also lead to emotional disconnection or avoidance, which could hinder genuine engagement and resolution in some interpersonal conflicts.
• Positive affirmations can be beneficial, but they should not be used to mask or deny real emotions and problems; acknowledging and processing negative emotions is also an important aspect of mental health.
• Recognizing and addressing personal problematic behaviors is important, but the text may oversimplify the complexity of human behavior and the difficulty in changing ingrained patterns.
• Strategies for confronting and improving personal behaviors are valuable, but they must be tailored to individual circumstances and personalities; what works for one person may not work for another.

Interacting with and conveying messages to difficult individuals, including through electronic means.

This part explores the intricate nature of modern communication, where utilizing phone calls and emails can introduce distinct obstacles in dealings with challenging individuals. The authors offer strategies to enhance the positive aspects of these communication styles while minimizing the potential for misunderstandings and negative results.

Strategically employing vocal cues, adjusting the speed of speech, and practicing attentive listening can help surmount the inherent challenges of telephone interactions.

Communicating via phone, without the benefit of seeing visual signals, poses a distinct challenge in handling challenging individuals. Using your voice deliberately, adjusting its tone to convey empathy or increasing its volume to command respect when needed, is achievable even in the absence of reliable nonverbal signals. Pacing is also crucial. Pause regularly during discussions to allow the other individual time to process the information and contribute their insights. Engage in active listening by seeking further explanation and reiterating their key points to ensure understanding.

Influencing how others see things, managing the conversation's mood, and offering explicit guidance to enhance telephone communications.

Brinkman and Kirschner provide comprehensive guidance on shaping your viewpoint and refining your communication strategies. Employ physical gestures and positioning to shape the general atmosphere of your exchanges. For instance, assume a confident stance by standing tall, or alternatively, recline slightly to foster a tranquil atmosphere. Control your reactions by consciously slowing your breathing and incorporating short pauses. Formulate your responses carefully to maintain composure. Politely interject in the conversation, seeking consensus and suggesting a period to mitigate irritation. Demonstrate your engagement by interjecting brief acknowledgments like "Hmmm," "Indeed," and by echoing key points to show comprehension. Finally, sound prepared by reviewing any available information about the person before the call, taking notes to remember details for future reference.

Opting for written communication as a strategy to prevent the escalation of emotions.

Email and other forms of written communication offer the advantage of allowing extra time to carefully craft a reply, even though they lack visual and auditory signals. The authors recommend using this advantage to sidestep intense emotional reactions and to craft replies that are thoughtful and well-spoken.

Taking a moment to collect one's thoughts and thoughtfully crafting responses before sending them.

Avoid reacting hastily to emails that trigger intense feelings. The authors recommend taking a moment to evaluate one's emotions, reflect, and carefully craft responses before sending any communications. Pause your email activity, confide in a reliable colleague or friend about your challenges, and if possible, give yourself a day's respite to achieve a clearer viewpoint and to emotionally stabilize. Before replying, reflect on your desired outcome. Are you seeking to resolve conflicts, clarify misunderstandings, or set definitive boundaries? Compose a preliminary reply and carefully review it prior to dispatching it.

Using formatting, quotes, and emojis to add nuance and clarity to written messages

The authors offer comprehensive advice on crafting concise written communications, beginning with defining a distinct objective and ending by ensuring that both your goals and the anticipated reaction from the reader are unmistakably defined. Frequently cite specific parts of the original message using the ">" symbol, steering clear of broad statements that can lead to confusion. Employ emoticons judiciously to enhance the emotional subtlety and avert misunderstandings, yet be mindful of your audience and the possibility that these icons may not be received favorably or comprehended. Use humor judiciously, making sure it resonates with those who grasp and take pleasure in your unique style of comedy.

Other Perspectives

• Vocal cues and speech speed adjustments may not always be effective if the person on the other end of the phone is not receptive to subtle changes in tone or pace.
• Physical gestures and positioning, while potentially helpful for the speaker's mindset, have no direct impact on the listener during a phone call as they cannot be seen.
• Preparing by reviewing information about the person before the call assumes that such information is available and accurate, which may not always be the case.
• Written communication can sometimes lead to greater misinterpretation than verbal exchanges due to the lack of tone and immediate feedback.
• Taking time to collect thoughts before responding to an email is ideal but may not be practical in time-sensitive situations where a prompt response is required.
• The use of formatting, quotes, and emojis can add clarity but also has the potential to appear unprofessional or be misinterpreted in a business context.
• Emojis and humor in written communication can be misinterpreted across different cultures or age groups, potentially leading to misunderstandings rather than preventing them.