PDF Summary:Created for Connection, by Sue Johnson

In Created for Connection, Sue Johnson reveals the power and science behind building fulfilling relationships through emotional bonds. With insights from attachment theory, she details how long-lasting intimacy blooms from attentive communication, vulnerability, and attunement with a partner who evokes feelings of security and support—similar to faith practices.

The book provides actionable guidance for couples to rekindle passion, confront conflict productively, and strengthen their bond over time. Johnson shows how the human pursuit of love mirrors a universal yearning for divine connection, reinforcing the fulfillment found in healthy attachments.

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Practical Tips

• Create a "relationship repair kit" with your partner that includes tools for constructive communication, such as a feelings chart, conversation starters, and a timer for taking turns speaking. This kit can be a physical box or a digital document that both partners agree to use when a conflict arises. For example, the feelings chart helps each person express emotions without blame, while conversation starters can guide discussions toward solutions rather than criticism.
• Schedule regular "relationship audits" where you and your partner reflect on recent interactions and identify patterns that may be harmful. During these sessions, focus on behaviors rather than personal attacks, and discuss ways to replace negative patterns with positive ones. For instance, if you notice a tendency to withdraw during arguments, you might agree to use a specific phrase as a signal to take a short break and regroup with a clearer head.
• Develop a personal cue system to recognize when you're falling into a negative communication cycle. This could be a physical gesture, like touching your ear, or a mental note to pause and assess the situation. Use this cue to remind yourself to shift into a more empathetic and open-minded state, aiming to understand your partner's perspective. By doing so, you can prevent escalation and work towards reconnecting.

Crucial conversations and behaviors that strengthen the emotional bond between partners.

This section delves into the profound impact of conversations termed "Hold Me Tight," which are designed to strengthen emotional connections and heighten awareness. The conversation goes beyond simply improving how we talk to each other or coming to common conclusions; it involves revealing our most profound insecurities and creates a setting conducive to genuine closeness and comprehension. Developing a new cadence requires fostering comprehension, mutual embrace, and sustaining steadfast fondness.

The conversation known as "Hold Me Tight" fosters an environment where partners are encouraged to share their deepest attachment-related worries and necessities, cultivating a space that is conducive to openness, attentiveness, and connection.

Johnson unveils a roadmap for rekindling love. The conversations are akin to a carefully choreographed dance that leads partners to a deep understanding and genuine connection. By creating a space where people can freely express their deepest emotions, they dissolve walls of defensiveness, thereby cultivating authentic intimacy that mirrors the biblical concept of two people establishing a deep connection.

Partners must first discern and comprehend the underlying raw emotional sensitivities that fuel their contentious interactions.

Jesus' compassion for those suffering from physical and psychological distress exemplifies the kind of dialogues that assist couples in identifying and addressing the root causes of their conflicts. People with a history of experiencing rejection, abandonment, or neglect may quickly become defensive in situations that stir up these profound wounds. It involves identifying the specific behaviors or expressions that provoke these concerns and exploring what they fundamentally signify.

Imagine the immediate and intense feeling that arises upon treading on a pointed item. Emotional sensitivities resemble each other closely, prompting an instant surge of unease and resulting in defensive reactions. Understanding our susceptibilities allows us to pinpoint the underlying reasons for our tendencies to either respond with aggression, withdraw, or become consumed by anxiety. We can also broaden our viewpoint to encompass our partners, nurturing a more profound sense of empathy and compassion within our partnership.

Open and honest discussions about the importance of emotional bonds and the impact of a partner's actions on an individual's feelings establish a foundation for a relationship anchored in trust and emotional safety.

Sharing our vulnerabilities with our significant others is essential to cultivate genuine intimacy. This approach requires exploring the emotions often masked by a defensive stance or a propensity to withdraw. It is crucial to acknowledge our innate longing for intimacy, our fears of abandonment or rejection, and the impact our partner's actions have on our emotional well-being.

Being open in our relationships enables us to fully expose our vulnerabilities. Exposing oneself emotionally can seem daunting, yet it is remarkably freeing. We possess the capacity to foster a profound emotional connection that enriches understanding and empathy, surpassing the communicative power of words alone.

Cultivating moments that strengthen connections, bring comfort, and allow for the extension of pardon heals rifts and fortifies the emotional ties.

Johnson emphasizes the healing power inherent in intentional interactions where partners consciously choose to come together, offering comfort, validation, and pardon when needed. Opening up about one's emotional scars with gentleness can fortify and renew the trust and feeling of security within a partnership. Expressions of affection have the power to mend divisions and signal the beginning of a reinvigorated period of closeness.

Imagine a couple walking hand in hand along the shore as the sun sets, sharing their dreams and goals, offering encouragement, expressing their thanks, or simply enjoying the quiet comfort of each other's company. By purposefully incorporating instances of bonding into our everyday lives, we nurture shared comprehension and develop a deep sense of belonging.

Engaging in consistent rituals, taking joy together in shared celebrations, and collaboratively tackling challenges contribute to establishing a solid base for both partners in the relationship.

This section of the text emphasizes the importance of regularly nurturing the needs of the relationship instead of relying only on grand gestures or the appearance of issues to satisfy the emotional requirements of the partners. Sue Johnson encourages partners to create rituals that celebrate their togetherness, reflect on their collective joy, and collaborate in overcoming obstacles, thereby solidifying their connection. Matrimony, within the Christian tradition, is seen as a continuous journey that nurtures growth and perpetually strengthens the closeness between partners.

Consider these actions as intentional demonstrations that affirm your importance to me, assure you of my availability, and represent my commitment to our shared bond. Participating in joint endeavors, like savoring a morning coffee, saying a prayer in unison before bedtime, or strolling leisurely through a green space, can form significant rituals. They might also celebrate significant milestones, plan a short vacation, or engage in a hobby that brings joy to each partner.

Other Perspectives

• While "Hold Me Tight" conversations may foster openness, they may not be suitable for all couples, especially those who may not feel safe or comfortable delving into deep emotional vulnerabilities due to past traumas or a lack of trust.
• Understanding emotional sensitivities is important, but it may not always lead to resolution of conflicts if there are underlying mental health issues, communication barriers, or if the couple lacks the skills to effectively manage the insights gained from such understanding.
• Open and honest discussions are foundational, but they must be coupled with actionable changes and consistent behaviors to truly establish trust and emotional safety; otherwise, they may just be seen as empty words.
• Cultivating moments that strengthen connections is beneficial, but it's also important to recognize that individual space and autonomy are equally vital to the health of a relationship, and too much emphasis on togetherness can sometimes lead to codependency.
• Consistent rituals and shared celebrations can indeed contribute to a solid relationship foundation, but they should not overshadow the need for personal growth and individual experiences that can also enrich the relationship by bringing in new perspectives and energy.

Human affection spans both spiritual and psychological dimensions, forging connections that unite us.

Johnson underscores the profound connection between our spiritual beliefs and our feelings of being cherished and adored. Our perception of our identity and our role in the universe is molded by two interconnected aspects that are fundamental to what it means to be human. This part of the book explores the idea that human love reflects a sacred bond, akin to the way the biblical story portrays individuals as fashioned in the likeness of the divine.

Our desire for consistent and stable emotional bonds reflects our creation by a deity epitomized by benevolence.

Johnson asserts that our desire for affection goes beyond the psychological realm and reflects the core of our spiritual being. Our inherent disposition compels us to seek out relationships and find meaning within a community, mirroring the collective principles of a deity. The concept is rooted in the spiritual belief that we were designed to seek out love and fellowship, encompassing our relationships with the divine as well as with other people. The essence of God, which underscores the intrinsic relational aspect that exists within divinity and human existence, is demonstrated through the trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

The author suggests that the deep emotions experienced in romantic love reflect our bond with the divine. In our relationships, we seek qualities that mirror what we look for in spiritual bonds, including steadfast love, acceptance, understanding, and a sense of belonging. Meeting these needs in our relationships can deepen our spiritual life and strengthen our connection with the source of all love.

Humanity is portrayed in the Scriptures as maintaining a strong connection with God, who serves as a constant protector and dependable pillar of strength.

God is portrayed in the Scriptures as a caring guardian, steadfast in defense, and the supreme source of comfort and support. The Psalms are filled with lines seeking comfort in the arms of the "All-Powerful," drawing strength from being close to Him, and finding reassurance in His eternal love. This language of attachment resonates deeply with those who have experienced the security of loving human bonds, reinforcing faith in a benevolent and responsive universe where we are never truly alone.

Johnson references scriptural passages such as "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want" (Psalm 23:1) and uses "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge" (Psalm 91:4) to demonstrate how the Bible portrays a divine haven offering comfort and protection during times of distress. This echoes the secure base concept of attachment theory, where a child can confidently explore the world knowing that there is a loving parent to return to when needed.

An individual's connection to the divine mirrors and is shaped by their bonds with significant others in their life.

Johnson explores the fascinating interplay between our bond with the divine and the intimacy of our personal relationships. The foundational experiences of love and attachment we have early in life set the stage for our expectations and reactions in all intimate and spiritual connections. Those who have experienced secure and loving bonds are more likely to approach God with trust and confidence, while those who have endured insecure attachments may struggle with doubt, fear, and a sense of unworthiness.

The author cites studies conducted by Lee Kirkpatrick, a specialist in attachment theory from Sweden, indicating that people often form a connection with the divine that mirrors their personal attachment behaviors. Individuals with secure attachments typically view God as kind and always within reach, while those with insecure or avoidant attachment patterns may see God as distant, critical, or harsh. Our spiritual beliefs and practices are deeply influenced by the relationships we form early in life.

Experiencing secure human love can deepen one's sense of belonging, value, and connection with the divine.

Johnson presents a hopeful perspective, indicating that relationships built on consistency and affection offer not only deep personal fulfillment but also lead us toward a deeper understanding of divine love and strengthen our sense of belonging within the community. The steadfastness of human affection can expand our hearts towards the divine, increasing our ability to embrace and disseminate divine grace, similarly to how the love of Christ teaches us to be compassionate.

Our bond with the divine strengthens our connections with those we hold dear, and this spiritual link simultaneously deepens our affection for each other. A cycle emerges where love serves as a unifying element, nurturing a heightened sense of compassion, empathy, and a collective sense of purpose.

Other Perspectives

• The assumption that human affection is inherently spiritual may not resonate with those who have a secular or non-theistic worldview, which can also provide a framework for understanding deep human connections.
• The idea that our desire for emotional bonds reflects creation by a benevolent deity may be challenged by evolutionary psychology, which suggests that such desires are a result of natural selection and social survival mechanisms.
• The concept of seeking relationships as a mirror of divine principles assumes a specific religious perspective that may not be shared by all cultures or belief systems.
• The notion that romantic love reflects a bond with the divine is not universally accepted and may be seen as a romanticization that overlooks the complex psychological and biological factors involved in love.
• The portrayal of humanity's connection with a caring God in Scriptures is subject to interpretation and may not be accepted as literal truth by all readers or scholars.
• The idea that an individual's connection to the divine is shaped by their bonds with significant others could be seen as reductionist by those who believe in a more direct or unmediated relationship with the divine.
• The claim that experiencing secure human love can deepen one's sense of belonging and connection with the divine may not account for individuals who find a sense of belonging and spiritual connection through other means, such as personal achievement, nature, or intellectual pursuits.

The significance of emotional vulnerability, physical intimacy, and methods for sustaining a durable connection.

This final section explores the critical role of emotional vulnerability and physical intimacy in sustaining a passionate and fulfilling love relationship. It confronts the widespread belief that sexual passion diminishes over time and provides actionable advice for maintaining a vibrant and enduring romantic connection. The book emphasizes the significance of nurturing the fundamental connection based on emotions, which sustains profound intimacy, as opposed to seeking transient thrills, in order to preserve lasting passion.

A truly deep and vulnerable bond is crucial for a passionate and satisfying sexual relationship between partners.

Johnson asserts that true sexual intimacy is inextricably linked with a deep emotional connection. In an environment where safety and unity are strongly present, partners are encouraged to freely express their desires and vulnerabilities, creating a conducive environment for the flourishing of passion and playfulness. The focus is on valuing the happiness that comes from collective moments and feeling treasured and appreciated by our partner, rather than on attaining flawless execution. Intimacy during physical union transcends simple physical touch, embodying a scriptural concept of "knowing" one's partner, signifying a profound bond.

A secure attachment allows us to be vulnerable and connect with our partners on an emotional and physical level, reflecting the unwavering empathy and acceptance we receive from God, despite our flaws. Acknowledging our susceptibility is crucial because it establishes the groundwork for deep emotional intimacy, allowing us to fully experience the joy and satisfaction that come with a strong bond.

Couples who have formed a stable bond participate in their intimate relationship with openness and a readiness to be receptive.

Johnson emphasizes that a strong bond between partners enhances sexual encounters, transforming them into a shared and secure adventure that both partners find enjoyable and comforting. They are free to express their desires and work together to discover various ways of delivering happiness to each other. Cultivating a strong connection through attentive support in both emotional and physical aspects can defy the widespread notion that sexual desire inevitably diminishes as time passes.

Imagine a pair moving in perfect harmony during a tango, with each individual finely attuned to their partner's steps, gracefully adjusting to every change in tempo and speed. Their reciprocal attentiveness nurtures an interaction that is both dynamic and intimate, akin to a dance in perfect sync. Sexual synchrony is fundamentally defined by a harmonious blend of deep emotional closeness, a spirit of exploration, and reciprocal fulfillment.

Overemphasis on sexual performance can undermine the emotional foundation needed for satisfying lovemaking.

Johnson warns that focusing too much on sexual prowess can result in overlooking the crucial emotional connection that forms the foundation of deeply fulfilling intimacy. It can lead to a sense of unease and heightened self-consciousness, accompanied by a heavy feeling that gradually erodes both happiness and closeness. The author disputes the societal fixation on reaching climaxes, perfecting methods, and pursuing new experiences as the essential elements for sexual fulfillment.

Focusing on performance at the expense of our shared connection may cause us to forfeit the profound happiness that comes with reciprocal closeness. Performing a musical piece without truly feeling the emotions it conveys is akin to this scenario. The technical precision may be flawless, yet the heart will lack the essential emotional element. The author highlights that focusing on performance often leads to a form of closeness which usually leaves both parties feeling dissatisfied and alone.

Partners can preserve a strong and warm bond over time by jointly participating in deliberate rituals, celebrating significant events, and sharing the journey of life.

Johnson offers practical guidance on consciously nurturing the dynamic core of affection, emphasizing the importance of proactively cultivating the relationship. Just as Christians set aside time for prayer, worship, and service, it is equally important for couples to regularly nurture their emotional and physical connection. This involves intentionally nurturing bonds that strengthen a deeper link and reciprocal awareness, as well as engaging with profound emotion, celebrating significant moments as one, exploring shared interests, and consistently expressing appreciation and affection.

Consider these small acts of kindness as minor investments that build up significant advantages, ensuring the relationship maintains a positive equilibrium. Allocating specific times for each other, even when schedules are packed, indicates that the relationship holds a place of importance. It includes cherishing the major achievements as well as the everyday joys in the life that you build as a couple.

Other Perspectives

• While emotional vulnerability is important, some individuals or cultures may prioritize personal strength and independence, which can also contribute to a relationship's resilience.
• The link between sexual intimacy and emotional connection might not be as strong for everyone; some may find satisfaction in physical intimacy without deep emotional ties.
• The concept of secure attachment, while beneficial, may not account for the complexities of some relationships where independence is equally valued.
• Openness and receptiveness in intimate relationships are ideal but may not always be practical due to personal boundaries or past traumas that individuals bring into a relationship.
• There can be a healthy balance between focusing on sexual performance and emotional connection, as both can contribute to a satisfying sexual relationship.
• Rituals and celebrations are important, but they may not be sufficient for sustaining a strong bond if underlying issues or incompatibilities exist between partners.