PDF Summary:Cloistered, by Catherine Coldstream

In her memoir Cloistered, Catherine Coldstream takes readers on a journey through the solitude of monastic life. Over a decade spent behind convent walls, she navigated the introspective path of the Carmelite tradition. Coldstream unveils both the profound peace found in a lifestyle of contemplation and the power struggles within a religious community.

While immersed in prayer and rituals, Coldstream also wrestled with inner turmoil, feelings of isolation, and an erosion of her identity. Her memoir chronicles her eventual break from the strict confines of the monastery and the spiritual awakening that followed.

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The connections within the family and the dynamics among the siblings both unite and distinguish them.

Coldstream delves into the complex web of social conventions and the subtleties of interpersonal dynamics that shape how the nuns engage with one another and determine their rank in the convent's structure. She notes that the earlier prioress's establishment of a guideline mandating the presence of at least three nuns during conversations was designed to prevent "murmuring," which are private discussions that might undermine the authority of the leader, and this illustrates the communal apprehensions about the dangers of informal conversation.

Coldstream observed that adhering to the Rule, along with other traditions, subtly fostered divisions among the group members. Individuals who were raised within the Catholic faith, along with those who later adopted it, from converts to individuals hailing from the southern regions, all contributed to the distinct subtleties of the group's social dynamics, sometimes resulting in experiences of estrangement and bias. She notes that in their leisure moments, the Akenside community frequently partakes in conversations that disparage other Carmelite groups for their less stringent observance of customs, thereby solidifying their own sense of elitism and fostering a climate of selectiveness.

Other Perspectives

• The emphasis on detachment from worldly matters could be seen as a retreat from social responsibility and engagement with the community at large.
• The strict adherence to poverty, celibacy, and obedience might not be suitable for everyone and could lead to personal struggles or crises of faith.
• The vow of poverty could be criticized for potentially romanticizing or trivializing the real struggles of those who live in involuntary poverty.
• The vow of celibacy might be challenged on the grounds that it suppresses natural human desires and can lead to psychological stress or dysfunction.
• The concept of "supernatural obedience" might be seen as problematic in that it could suppress individual thought and encourage blind submission to authority.
• The hierarchical structure and absolute authority of the prioress could be criticized for potentially enabling abuse of power or stifling individual autonomy within the community.
• The practice of maintaining silence, while beneficial for meditation and reflection, might also inhibit open communication and the healthy expression of emotions or concerns.
• The regulation of conversations to prevent undermining the leader's authority could be seen as a form of censorship that limits free speech and healthy discourse.
• The creation of divisions within the community based on adherence to the Rule and traditions could be criticized for fostering an exclusionary environment rather than one of universal acceptance and unity.
• The criticism of other Carmelite groups for less stringent observance of customs could be seen as lacking in humility and contrary to the principles of charity and understanding.

The story unfolds as it explores the profound changes and the intense emotional journey Catherine Coldstream experienced while secluded at a spiritual retreat.

The writer's evolving connection with the sacred and her advancement in a life of contemplation.

Times of spiritual comfort, dryness, and scrutiny

Her initial zeal for a cloistered existence was genuine, yet her path to spiritual enlightenment encountered various obstacles and periods of change. She recalls finding profound solace in her spirituality, sensing the palpable presence of God, and a robust bond with Jesus, whom she deemed her "unseen spouse," particularly in the solitude of her contemplation in her private space and amidst the splendor of hallowed rituals. These moments reinforced her sense of purpose and sustained her through times of trial.

During her time at Akenside, Coldstream went through periods where she felt a profound spiritual void, and the moments when the divine seemed distant and the consoling elements of prayer were lessened. She characterizes such pivotal experiences as essential during a period often referred to as the "dark night of the soul," a phrase attributed to John of the Cross, signifying a time when the soul endures a cleansing of emotional comfort and undergoes a rigorous scrutiny of its convictions. The obstacles were seen as opportunities for personal growth, propelling one towards self-improvement and the cultivation of a deeper, more mature relationship based on a faith devoid of unnecessary components and founded on intentional decisions instead of mere comforting emotions.

The writer's battles against conformity, self-suppression, and the erosion of her unique identity

Coldstream faced unexpected challenges as she struggled with the erosion of her identity and the relentless demands to adapt, even though she began with a firm commitment to self-denial and the values of the Carmelite order. The group's emphasis on suppressing individuality and advocating for a minimalist lifestyle clashed with her natural curiosity, intellectual leanings, and fondness for cultural pursuits. The order's methodical suppression of her musical abilities illustrates their opposition to any form of personal expression that might contest the prevailing uniformity and the established norms.

Coldstream recounts the difficulties she faced while attempting to align her mindset and feelings with the community's standards. She grappled with the contradiction of being urged to value her uniqueness while simultaneously being directed to forsake her personal wishes. Catherine Coldstream's growing discomfort stemmed from a struggle with concealing her true self and the compulsion to adhere to what the community deemed "normal."

The author's gradually diminishing false impressions about existence were tied to life among the Akenside populace.

The dysfunctional power structures and interpersonal conflicts persist in maintaining uneven standards and regulations.

As Coldstream's initial hopefulness waned, she grew more aware of the problematic power structures and interpersonal conflicts that plagued the isolated community. The head of the convent's unchecked authority inadvertently fostered an atmosphere laden with tension, resentment, and the suppression of dissenting opinions, rather than cultivating a community grounded in humble service and collective responsibility. The community was marked by a culture that permitted certain individuals, particularly those in positions of power, to circumvent the stringent regulations that were enforced upon others.

Coldstream recounts growing unease stemming from a lack of genuine dialogue and accountability within the group's participants. She became increasingly aware of the murmurs and concealed anxieties regarding the authoritarian tendencies displayed by Mother Elizabeth, which cultivated an environment ripe with apprehension and favoritism. The arrival of two experienced sisters from another Carmelite order highlighted Akenside's unique customs, showing a reluctance to adopt the modern perspectives on governance and obedience held by the broader ecclesiastical community, while still strictly upholding a traditional interpretation of Carmelite principles.

The author's feelings of isolation and rejection contributed to several emotional collapses.

While integrated into the collective, Coldstream experienced growing feelings of isolation and exclusion. She longed for genuine connections and understanding, but her attempts at openness and vulnerability were met with apathy, criticism, and hostility, particularly from Jennifer, her designated partner, and from Mother Elizabeth, tasked with mentoring the newcomers.

Coldstream recounts the harmful dynamics with her twin sister Jennifer, highlighting the psychological toll of being forced to mirror each other and the hostility and bullying she suffered at the hands of a sibling who was clearly struggling with unresolved mental health issues, issues that went unnoticed by the convent's head. The narrative details how the protagonist's exclusion from novice meetings, the enforced public apologies coupled with humiliation, and her confrontations with the progressively erratic Irene highlight the failure of the establishment to foster the psychological and spiritual well-being of its members. During her recovery in the hospital's care unit, marked by significant physical and emotional suffering, she reached a peak of growing disillusionment and despair.

Practical Tips

• You can start a personal reflection journal to explore your spiritual journey, noting moments of comfort, dryness, and scrutiny. Write daily entries about your feelings, any sensed presence of a higher power, or lack thereof, and how these experiences affect your daily life. This practice can help you identify patterns in your spiritual experiences and provide a clearer understanding of your personal growth.
• Create a playlist of music that resonates with your spiritual state or emotions during times of change or struggle. Music can be a powerful tool for expression and healing, so selecting songs that mirror your feelings can help you process and navigate your emotions. Listen to this playlist during moments of reflection or when you need solace.
• Engage in a weekly 'identity hour' where you dedicate time to an activity that reflects your individuality, such as painting, writing, or any form of self-expression that feels suppressed. This can be a space to reaffirm your uniqueness and resist conformity, fostering a sense of personal authenticity and resilience against external pressures.

The author's musings on departing from a life of monastic discipline and pondering its stringent mode of living.

As dusk fell, the writer's exit from Akenside marked the end of her spiritual vows.

The writer's experience with benevolent individuals who offer assistance and refuge

Coldstream, overwhelmed by despair and aware of the detrimental connections at Akenside, made the radical decision to leave the monastic community, abandon her holy vows, and masterminded a bold departure under the veil of night. Motivated by fear, a deep desire for freedom, and faith in spiritual protection, she journeyed far and wide through the shadowy countryside, seeking havens in places unknown to her. The escape was both a daunting and eye-opening journey, during which Coldstream faced the shocking newness of life beyond the convent walls, delighted in the excitement of unrestricted freedom under the vast heavens, and came to the profound understanding that she was alone and entirely unequipped for a life outside the religious community.

Encountering Helen and David, who lived in a nearby village, marked another pivotal moment on her path. She neared their entrance, drawn by the light spilling from their window and the sight of a familiar concert poster, seeking help. The strangers greeted her with exceptional kindness, offering food, shelter, and an empathetic ear, thus personifying the kindness and goodwill that Coldstream had longed for in her secluded community. They were her lifeline to the external environment, allowing her to find solace and rejuvenate her bond with Frankie during her time of isolation. The encounter marked a significant departure from the emotional neglect and rejection that Coldstream had endured within the secluded confines.

The author contends with a mix of emotions, feeling both remorse and a sense of freedom, as she deeply desires the peaceful, isolated life characteristic of monastic retreats.

After spending over a decade in seclusion, Coldstream wrestled with the mixed feelings of remorse and liberation. She struggled with the deeply rooted belief that her vows represented an unbreakable and holy promise, instilled in her during her early years. Her choice to depart invigorated her, opening doors to new opportunities and rekindling relationships within her kin and the broader society. She recounted the barrage of sensory information, the baffling encounter with modern life, and the daunting realization that she had let go of many social and practical skills vital for navigating her unfamiliar environment.

Despite the challenges, Coldstream experienced genuine joy amidst the emotional upheaval that accompanied her newfound freedom. She found joy in life's simple delights, such as indulging in warm baths, donning denim, tuning into radio broadcasts, and engaging in animated discussions with her sibling. Despite these experiences, she was invariably drawn to the contemplative nature and serene introspection inherent in the monastic way of life, along with its inherent solitude and traditional ceremonies, all resonating deeply with the solitary existence that had become integral to her identity.

The author's journey back to a secular way of life was marked by a continuous pursuit of personal spiritual development.

The writer explores her academic pursuits, personal connections, and ultimately her acceptance of a life dedicated to monasticism.

Coldstream's reintegration into secular life was made smoother by her decision to pursue theological studies at Oxford University, a decision she deemed essential and which was fervently endorsed by Sister Josephine, her former guide. Her return to academic pursuits allowed her to scrutinize her beliefs with renewed perspective, explore theological ideas that were once off-limits, and develop her intellectual and artistic abilities that had been stifled by the restrictions imposed by Akenside.

As time progressed, Coldstream transitioned from experiencing anxiety and regret to embracing acceptance and self-forgiveness for her decision to leave the monastic lifestyle behind. She discovered solace in rekindling familial ties and establishing fresh bonds that provided the affection and backing she had yearned for during her seclusion. Importantly, after years of celibacy, she formed a relationship with a man, ultimately choosing to marry and to embrace a future she once thought was beyond reach for someone devoted to the solitary existence of monastic living.

The author's enduring connection to the Carmelite order's tenets and her enthusiasm for future endeavors.

Coldstream's connection to the time she spent in religious seclusion remains strong, despite the difficulties and disillusionment she faced at Akenside, along with her enduring respect for the Carmelite's spiritual principles. Her time in isolation had a significant impact on her mental growth, shaping the individual she eventually became. She acknowledges her regular practice of visiting monastic retreats as a means to find profound solitude and privacy.

Coldstream views the "dark night of the soul" not merely as a difficult stage in the spiritual path but as a crucial step toward a deeper understanding of the divine. She emerged from the disheartening labyrinth of perplexity with a deepened comprehension that accepts ambiguity, promotes thorough investigation, and genuinely engages with the intricacies of the human condition. Coldstream ends her memoir on a positive note, expressing her appreciation for the constant and guiding presence she characterizes with affection. Her gaze is steadfast, filled with serenity and assurance that the foundational elements of a life dedicated to quiet reflection and a meaningful existence will guide her, regardless of where her path may take her.

Other Perspectives

• The decision to leave a monastic community might not solely be motivated by fear and a desire for freedom; it could also stem from a complex and nuanced reassessment of personal beliefs and values.
• The portrayal of the monastic community as a place of emotional neglect and rejection could be one-sided, as these communities often aim to foster deep spiritual connections and support among members.
• The joy found in simple pleasures outside the monastic life could be seen as superficial compared to the profound joy that some find in a life of spiritual dedication and service.
• Pursuing theological studies at a university might not necessarily provide a clearer perspective on one's beliefs, as academic theology can sometimes lead to more questions than answers.
• The transition from anxiety to acceptance after leaving monastic life might not be linear or universal; some individuals may continue to experience conflict or regret indefinitely.
• Forming a romantic relationship and choosing to marry does not necessarily indicate a complete or successful transition to secular life; it could also introduce new complexities and challenges.
• Maintaining a connection to the Carmelite order's principles could be seen as contradictory to fully embracing a secular life, suggesting an unresolved tension between past commitments and current beliefs.
• Viewing the "dark night of the soul" as a crucial step in spiritual growth may not resonate with everyone; some might interpret such experiences as unnecessary or even harmful to one's well-being.