PDF Summary:Bittersweet, by Susan Cain

Do you prefer to listen to sad songs? Do you seek out beauty in everyday life? If so, you may have a bittersweet disposition. In Bittersweet, Susan Cain defines bittersweetness as the state of experiencing intense joy, sadness, and yearning simultaneously. She argues that you can glean greater meaning and wisdom from life when you embrace bittersweetness, even if you don’t naturally have a bittersweet disposition.

In this guide, we’ll explore different facets of bittersweetness, starting with the link between bittersweetness and our yearning for love and belonging. We’ll also discuss the hidden power of sadness for fostering empathy and creativity. Finally, we’ll examine how awareness of life’s impermanence can help us find deeper meaning in our relationships and everyday lives. In our commentary, we’ll discuss the science behind bittersweet emotions, different perspectives on how to think about impermanence, and further suggestions for coping with grief.

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Evolution has also played a role in which helpless, non-human organisms we extend compassion to: We don’t offer our empathy equally to all creatures. Studies show that the more distantly related we are to an organism on the evolutionary timeline, the less likely we are to experience empathy for it. This explains why we might feel horrible hurting a dog but not think twice about crushing a spider.

Why We Listen to Sad Music

The links between sadness, connection, and empathy also help answer the question of why so many people choose to listen to sad music. Cain states that sad songs make us feel more empathetic toward and connected to other human beings than songs that evoke other emotions, creating a more profound listening experience. Sad songs enable us to inhabit the stories and emotions of others through music, tapping into the profound sense of connection that sadness creates. No other emotion in music, negative or positive, elicits the same feelings of transcendence and connection as sadness.

The Healing Benefits of Sad Music

In addition to helping us empathize with the pain of others, sad music can help us work through our own sorrow. When we experience sadness through music, we can move beyond pain into catharsis. In the context of music, the painful emotion isn’t a result of a true threat to our well-being or to the well-being of those we love like it might be in everyday life. We’re therefore able to process it with a layer of separation, and we can express and fully experience sadness while suffering less.

Listening to sad music also tricks our brains into releasing the hormone prolactin, which helps to soften feelings of grief. When there isn’t a traumatic event to trigger it, the hormone just creates a pleasurable sense of calmness. Further, some psychologists state that listening to this type of music comforts us because it makes us feel less alone. When we’re feeling distressed, lonely, or introspective, the artist behind the sad music becomes an imaginary friend who offers support and understands how we feel because they share our experience.

Putting It Into Practice: How to Cultivate Compassion for Others

As noted, listening to sad music can be a great way to access empathy and communion. If you want more ways to deepen your connection with others and develop your sense of compassion, Cain offers several strategies:

Be as humble as you can. If you think you’re better than others, you’ll struggle to empathize with their pain. Studies show that people of a high social status and an accompanying sense of superiority are less able to recognize and empathize with sadness or cultivate connections with others through bonds of caring. This inability to empathize makes them less likely to help others when they’re in need.

(Shortform note: Cultivating humility can do more than increase your compassion for others—it can bring you greater professional success as well. Research shows that humility and empathy are both important leadership qualities that spur success in business. Humble leaders inspire stronger commitment and performance among employees along with higher levels of innovation and creativity. Further, compassionate and empathetic leaders must practice humility to let go of their ego-driven behaviors and understand and uplift the people around them. This fosters positive, effective communication and collaboration. Evidence shows that companies thrive when their leadership promotes caring and cooperation over individual success.)

Increase your compassion toward yourself. Engaging in self-compassion means quieting your negative inner voice as much as possible. This will increase your capacity for kindness toward others—to take care of others, you must first take care of yourself. To practice self-compassion, instead of berating yourself when you struggle or make a mistake, take a deep breath and engage with yourself like you would with a child. Imagine the kind of sweet reassurance a child would need, and offer yourself the same.

(Shortform note: Self-compassion has numerous additional benefits that indirectly increase your ability to help others. For example, people who exhibit greater self-compassion are also happier, physically healthier, and less susceptible to anxiety and depression. This means they have more time, mental space, and energy to spend on helping other people. One exercise for practicing self-compassion is writing a letter to yourself whenever you’re struggling. This can help you process the feelings you’re experiencing, comfort you, and motivate you to make a change. Try writing from the perspective of a wise, kind imaginary friend, or say to yourself what you’d say to a friend going through the same thing you are.)

Write about moments of compassion you experience. Regularly write down moments when you empathize with the suffering of others. This can reveal times when you feel strongly for others and, by omission, times when you avoid acknowledging the suffering of others.

(Shortform note: Noticing these patterns of empathy (or lack of empathy) can help you determine which issues you really care about and how to cultivate your compassion further. For example, maybe you notice that you always tear up a little when you see a TV commercial about animals in need. This might indicate that you care deeply about animals, and it could prompt you to take action to help them by volunteering at a shelter or donating to a conservation organization. At the same time, you might notice that you avoid interactions with people who are sad at work. To increase your compassion in those situations, you might try checking in with your upset coworkers instead. You could ask them how they’re doing and practice active listening to show that you care.)

The Creative Power of Sadness

The author states that, in addition to its connective power, sadness is deeply intertwined with creativity in two ways. First, naturally creative people may be more susceptible to sadness. Many artists, writers, musicians, and other creative people throughout history were prone to states of melancholy, and modern research shows that creative people are highly predisposed to sorrow. Additionally, some studies suggest that people who work in the arts—some of the most creative people in our society—are more likely to have mood disorders.

(Shortform note: Many psychologists agree that there’s an established link between highly creative people and an increased likelihood of mental illness. However, another school of thought argues against the stereotype of the “tortured artist.” These people criticize the studies that support the link between creativity and mood disorders because the research often relies heavily on anecdotes, studies small sample sizes, and doesn’t include control groups to compare to the sample groups. Other critics argue that researchers should study creativity in more people than just artists to fully understand any connection it might have to mental illness. Finally, some research has found that mental illness hinders rather than bolsters creativity.)

Second, Cain notes, sadness may trigger increased creative output, even in people who don’t have a naturally creative disposition. This might be because sadness has some benefits: It primes our minds for the high level of focus, openness, and problem-solving that creative pursuits require. Some studies found that people in sad moods displayed sharper focus, greater attention to detail, fewer cognitive biases, and higher memory retention than usual.

(Shortform note: When researchers refer to sadness having positive aspects and being beneficial as described above, they’re usually referring to mild sad moods. Temporary sad moods are normal and an important part of how we react to challenges we face, and they can offer many advantages, as Cain states. For example, participants in one study were less susceptible to misleading information after recalling a sad memory as opposed to a happy one. However, intense, long-lasting sadness needs to be addressed for the sake of the person’s mental health, regardless of any benefits it may bring. There’s likely an underlying cause that won’t go away without help.)

Cain’s View on Sadness and Creativity

Cain states that sadness isn’t the only way to increase creativity. Many creative people have joyful and calm dispositions. Additionally, clinical depression can severely dampen creativity, and we’re much more likely to experience important moments of perception when we’re feeling happy.

(Shortform note: As Cain argues, sad and happy moods can both have creative benefits, but they arguably help us with different elements of creativity. We can view the difference like this: Negative emotions like sadness help us with creative problem-solving and aid us in evaluating situations critically. They push us to persevere and find innovative solutions. Positive emotions open our minds to new possibilities, leading us to produce many new ideas. They quiet our critical selves and allow our imaginations to freely explore.)

Instead, Cain argues that we can more accurately attribute high levels of creativity to states of being in which beauty and sadness intersect. This is because creativity has a uniquely transformational effect. When we can’t release our pain, creativity allows us to turn it into something beautiful, like a painting or a song.

(Shortform note: The therapeutic power of artmaking is well-documented, supporting Cain’s argument that creative pursuits allow us to transform our pain. Art therapy can be beneficial in addition to or instead of traditional therapy by allowing patients to express emotions that are difficult to put into words. It can also help patients improve interpersonal skills, increase self-awareness and self-esteem, and discover new insights. Finally, artmaking relieves anxiety and tension.)

Accepting Impermanence and Loss

In the previous section, we discussed how sadness can be a powerful tool for inspiring compassion, connection, and creativity. Now, in this final section, let’s dive deeper into one of the main aspects of life that inspires sorrow: the inevitability that everything we care about will cease to exist someday.

According to Cain, people who are drawn to states of bittersweetness have a higher-than-average awareness that their time is limited and that they’ll eventually lose the things they love. Though this awareness might sound depressing to some, Cain argues that an intimate understanding and acceptance of impermanence can benefit us, enhancing our joy, togetherness, and wisdom.

(Shortform note: Cain asserts that a high awareness of impermanence and death can be beneficial to us, but some argue that it can be detrimental to our mental health. People with this view argue that fixating on our mortality can make us fearful and upset, ruining our experience of the present moment. Additionally, though awareness of mortality can give our daily life weight and meaning, moments when we feel light and limitless have value too. These can turn into some of our best memories.)

First, we’ll discuss how awareness of our impermanence can create connection and meaning. Then, we’ll touch on different ways of coping with the grief and loss that come from the impermanence of those we love.

Embracing Impermanence

The author asserts that we all experience the effects of impermanence throughout our lives. We become aware of impermanence in times of transition, like moving to a new place, and times of loss, like losing a loved one. Transformation and loss are painful because we must grapple with the truth that something in our life has changed forever, and we won’t be the same due to this shift. Because experiences that increase our awareness of impermanence are often painful and frightening (especially reminders of mortality), many people try to avoid or deny them.

Why Transitions Are Difficult

As Cain asserts, times of transition, including times of loss, are difficult because we have to let go of an old identity to become someone new. This includes letting go of some of the people and things we’re attached to. We often think of our identities and the people around us as fixed and absolute. Therefore, losing any part of our identity—whether it’s a relationship, a job, a place, or something else—makes us deeply uncomfortable because we realize that nothing in our lives is as secure as we thought.

To reflect on times of transition and transformation in your own life, try making a timeline of big events you’ve experienced. Consider how they affected you and what you learned from them. This will help you see the wisdom you’ve gained over time—one of the benefits of change and growth.

Cain argues that instead of shying away from impermanence, we should coexist with it. Let’s explore two benefits of doing so: finding life more meaningful, and strengthening connections with others. We’ll then discuss how you can coexist with impermanence.

Benefit #1: Acknowledging Impermanence Gives Life Meaning

According to Cain, acknowledging impermanence gives everyday life greater meaning and beauty. More specifically, cultivating an awareness of the impermanence of your mortality can help you appreciate what you have right now, instead of constantly seeking more—whether it's more friends, more money, or more accolades.

(Shortform note: One way to cultivate awareness of mortality and make life feel more meaningful is through maranasati meditations: Buddhist practices for increasing mindfulness of death. These meditations range from reflections on the ever-present possibility that we could die at any moment to contemplations about the breakdown of the physical body after death. According to tradition, the Buddha encouraged monks to remain mindful of death so they could appreciate the preciousness of their current life and reduce their attachments to desires and fears. Additionally, the Buddha recommended death meditation as a way to stop conflict—once we realize that we’ll all die one day, we recognize that quarreling is futile.)

To back up this recommendation, Cain cites several studies involving the elderly, people with terminal illnesses, and people living through civil unrest—in other words, people with a high awareness of their own mortality. The researchers found that the participants’ knowledge that their time was limited made them better appreciate things, people, and aspects of daily life that were already familiar and important to them.

(Shortform note: One study conducted with young people found that even hypothetical scenarios that involved limiting people’s time prompted participants to choose what was familiar over what was new. In one experiment, participants were asked to select books or movies. Some were told to choose as if they were choosing for the last time, and others were given no such limit on their future. Those hypothetically choosing for the last time primarily selected books and movies they already knew and liked.)

Further, people with a greater sense of mortality are able to stay in the present moment, rather than worrying about the future.

(Shortform note: If you struggle to stay in the present moment and find yourself frequently anxious about the future, consider using some simple methods for returning to a mindful state. For example, deep breathing exercises can bring your focus back to the present and reduce feelings of anxiety. Try the 4-7-8 breathing technique, where you inhale for four counts, hold for seven, and exhale for eight.)

Benefit #2: Acknowledging Impermanence Strengthens Connections

Cain also argues that accepting impermanence may strengthen our connections with others. Studies found that people close to (and thus highly aware of) death seek to deepen the connections they already have with others, rather than form new ones. This means they spend more time with the people they love and work to improve the quality of their relationships.

(Shortform note: According to research, focusing on social activities and meaningful connections is the best way to live a happy life for people of any age, not just those with limited time. We get the most joy from activities that strengthen our bonds with friends and family or benefit our community in some way. Additionally, living a meaningful, socially fruitful life that we enjoy plays an important role in increasing our longevity—people with satisfying relationships, strong emotional well-being, and a sense of purpose and engagement live longer than people who feel unhappy and disconnected.)

In contrast, young, healthy people (who typically try to avoid acknowledging their mortality) tend to feel like their time is unlimited. Therefore, they frequently start new relationships rather than developing the ones they already have. Likewise, they spend their time learning new information and building new skills while planning for their future, rather than searching for deeper meaning in their present daily life.

(Shortform note: Young people often spend their energy developing new relationships because they’re transitioning from spending time with their inherited family (the family they were born into or grew up with) to seeking a chosen family (people they’ve chosen to support, love, and care for regardless of blood or marriage ties). Unfortunately, when young people are still searching for their chosen family, they might lack the meaningful connections that older people have. This can leave them susceptible to loneliness. They’re often homesick, alone while making important life decisions, and separated from the communities they know, all of which contribute to feelings of isolation.)

Why Focusing on the Future Isn’t Always a Bad Thing

Having a future-focused mindset isn’t necessarily a bad thing: Studies indicate that thinking about the future can help us in several important ways. First, it makes us more likely to choose a long-term, delayed reward over smaller, more immediate rewards. Building new skills that’ll help us achieve a future goal, as young people often do, is one possible example of this.

Additionally, imagining we’ll do something positive in the future (like achieving a goal or helping someone in need) makes us more likely to actually do it.

Finally, future prospection can help people with depression and trauma to heal—thinking about what they want from the future allows them to break free from their struggles in the past and present.

Putting It Into Practice: How to Increase Your Impermanence Awareness

Luckily, Cain asserts that you don’t have to be close to death to access the benefits of impermanence awareness. She names three strategies for accessing this same state of mind right now:

1) Study religious and philosophical traditions that deal with death, such as ancient Stoic writings on mortality. They require us to reflect on the fact that we’ll all die someday, so we should appreciate the time we’re given.

(Shortform note: To explore Stoic writings on death, ancient Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations might be a good place to start. As well as advocating for making the most of every day, Aurelius argues that we shouldn’t fear the death of the flesh because our bodies are the least important part of us. Our spirits and especially our minds are most important.)

2) Spend time thinking deeply about death and impermanence. You can do this by paying attention to ephemerality in nature, like the setting sun or a sudden storm. (Shortform note: You can intimately understand ephemerality in nature and meditate on impermanence through gardening. When you tend to a garden, you’re constantly surrounded by the life and death of plants, changing with the seasons. Plants also have good days and bad days like us. Growing them can remind you that nothing lasts forever, whether it’s good or bad.)

3) Appreciate people while they’re here. Spend time with older people and listen to their stories—this can remind you that they won’t always be around to tell them. (Shortform note: As well as increasing impermanence awareness, listening to the stories of your elders can benefit the storyteller. For one, engaging with and relaying their past memories can help keep their minds sharp and active. Additionally, the act of telling stories can improve communication between elders and their caregivers. This reduces stress on both sides, preventing conflict and caregiver burnout. Finally, sharing life stories contributes to increased self-worth and a sense of purpose.)

How to Bear Grief and Loss

The author argues that though we can learn to accept our own mortality and the impermanence of our own lives, we might find it harder to bear the fact that we’ll eventually lose the people we love: We can recognize this fact’s inevitability without feeling at peace with it. The pain of losing our loved ones comes from knowing that we’ve been separated from them, and we don’t know if we’ll ever be reunited. This makes loss extremely difficult to cope with.

(Shortform note: As Cain states, grief for the loss of loved ones often feels all-consuming in its pain. Additionally, unlike our own mortality, it’s nearly impossible to prepare for. Some psychologists suggest this is because we can’t prepare for future pain, specifically: The most we can do is anticipate the pain and make ourselves miserable in the present. The powerlessness of grief is also difficult to prepare for—we can’t do anything to bring our loved one back, so we feel crushed by our lack of control. Finally, we may feel like we’re betraying our loved one if we try to prepare for their loss in advance. To let go of our fear of losing them, we have to let go of our attachment to them. This can feel like loving them less, even though that probably isn’t true.)

Though we all experience the pain of grief and loss, people in modern Western culture often view extended periods of bereavement as inconvenient, self-indulgent, and even shameful. They prefer to keep death out of sight, so they feel uncomfortable with open displays of mourning. They most admire those who are able to keep their grief hidden.

Cain asserts that it doesn’t have to be this way—instead of ignoring the existence of loss and grief, we should treat it as an inevitable, normal part of life. When we normalize grief and allow ourselves and others to display and experience it fully, we realize we’re not alone, and we can find comfort in our shared pain. This feeling of understanding and connection with others can help ease our suffering, if only a little.

How to Support Someone Who’s Grieving

Feeling like we have to hide our grief because it makes other people uncomfortable or is somehow shameful can be an isolating experience, making an already difficult time worse. However, as Cain argues, it doesn’t have to be this way. We can normalize grief by actively supporting those who are going through loss and making space for their pain, no matter how long it lasts. Here are some ways you can support people during their bereavement:

• Keep in touch regularly, and continue to do so when most people have stopped. Bereaved people often have trouble reaching out, so you can help them by taking the initiative.

• Instead of asking how they are (most likely, they’re not well), ask how they’re feeling today—this will give them an opportunity to express whatever emotions or thoughts they want to share.

• Don’t be afraid to talk about the person they lost. It may be difficult for your friend to talk about their lost loved one, and they may cry. But, it’s better for you to show that their loved one will be missed and remembered than to pretend they never existed.

• Instead of offering advice, listen. People often process grief by telling stories about their loved ones, even if it’s the same one over and over. Your understanding is more valuable than your advice at this time.

• Reserve judgment. Loss is a huge life change, and grief can’t be rushed. Let your loved one heal in their own time.

Cain outlines two methods for coping with grief that she encountered while conducting her research:

Method #1: Accept the Complexity of Grief

According to Cain, psychology experts assert that we should acknowledge the complexity of grief and our resilience in the face of it. Grief doesn’t just manifest as a long period of sorrow that slowly fades over time—it’s often full of complicated, layered emotions that involve both sadness that the person is gone and joy that comes from your memories of them or the ways they influenced you. For example, we may laugh at a funny story someone tells about our lost loved one and cry minutes later over a picture of them. We have to accept the coexistence of these positive and negative feelings and learn to live with an ever-present pain.

(Shortform note: Cain discusses the emotional complexity of grief, which can involve both negative and positive emotions that are difficult to navigate. Beyond this emotional experience, grief can manifest in other complex, unexpected, yet deeply affecting ways. We might experience physical reactions like sleep disruption, fatigue, and headaches. Additionally, we might have cognitive reactions like confusion, difficulty focusing and making decisions, or even short-term memory loss. If you’re going through a loss, know that the grieving process is different for everyone, and there’s no correct timeline or procedure to follow to work through your grief.)

Method #2: Find Comfort in the Promise of an Afterlife

Cain relates that many people of varying religious and spiritual traditions ease the suffering of loss with the belief that they’ll see their loved ones again in the afterlife. Therefore, they can take comfort in knowing they only have to endure the pain of separation for a finite period of time.

(Shortform note: Instead of feeling comforted by religion during a time of loss, some people experience a loss of faith when they’re grieving. This is especially common for people who’ve spent many years devoted to their religion. They may feel punished and betrayed by God through their loss, and they may reject their spiritual ties out of anger. This can lead to complicated grief, which typically doesn’t abate on its own and leaves the mourner feeling stuck and despondent. In these cases, it’s important that the grieving person sees a therapist who can help guide them through the changes in their life.)

Cain’s View: Carrying on Without Moving on

To conclude, Cain states that grief is just love manifesting in a different form, so it stays with us as long as we still love the people who are gone. Ultimately, we don’t have to let go of our grief to take positive steps forward after a loss. We can find new connections and happiness while carrying the pain of loss—the grief we carry means we exist in a state of ever-present bittersweetness, where joy and love are always intertwined with sadness.

How to Handle Outside Pressures When Coping With Grief

Despite Cain’s assertion that we don’t have to move on from our grief to move forward, you might experience pressure from people around you pushing you to feel better and get over your grief before you’re ready. If you find yourself in this situation, first, consider your own internalized beliefs about grief and how they might affect your response to pressure from others. If you already feel like you should be coping better or faster, you’ll likely experience more shame and doubt if others question you as well.

Then, remind yourself that there’s no correct way to grieve—every person handles loss differently, and it’s often a very confusing process that we only understand when we go through it ourselves. If you recognize and accept this, you’ll be less phased by the unfair judgments of others.

Finally, be honest with people who are making you uncomfortable. Tell them that the pressure they’re putting on you isn’t helpful, and it just makes you feel worse. Even if they don’t stop, you took a step to change the situation for the better.