PDF Summary:Best Self, by Mike Bayer

Do you ever feel like there's a gap between who you are and who you aspire to be? Do you often behave in ways that prevent you from living the life you want?

In Best Self, Mike Bayer, life coach and creator of The Cast Foundation, explains that this disconnect occurs when you lose touch with your true self: who you really are at your core. He argues that reconnecting with your true self—which fosters positive feelings and drives you to effortlessly behave in alignment with your ideal life—will close the gap between who you are and who you want to be.

This guide discusses Bayer's advice for reconnecting with your true self. You'll learn:

• Why you might find it difficult to be true to yourself
• Which areas of your life tend to bring out your inauthentic self
• How to consistently behave in ways that reflect who you really are and move toward the life you want.

Additionally, we’ll expand upon Bayer’s ideas with research and advice from psychologists and self-improvement practitioners.

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(Shortform note: Research suggests that living in alignment with your true self fosters healthy habits and physical well-being by improving your mental health. Living authentically reduces anxiety and depression—psychological states that diminish both your desire and ability to care for yourself, leading you to neglect your health in favor of quick emotional fixes like comfort eating or substance use. By freeing you from these psychological states, authentic living restores your natural inclination to nurture yourself. In other words, it makes you want to make choices that support your health and vitality.)

Life Area #4: Knowledge and Skill Development

Bayer suggests that your true self is naturally curious and loves to learn new things—if you’re in alignment with it, you’ll feel energized and inspired by opportunities to develop your innermost passions and talents. However, if you’re disconnected from it, you might feel apathetic or overly comfortable with the status quo, which leads you to avoid challenges that could help you evolve.

(Shortform note: Research in cognitive science supports Bayer's argument that being true to yourself encourages you to learn and grow. Studies show that curiosity—your drive to explore new ideas and opportunities—is as innate a drive as basic instincts like hunger. Although curiosity is intrinsic, resigning yourself to choices and situations that don’t fulfill you can dampen your curiosity by making you more vulnerable to depression. In contrast, as Bayer suggests, if your behaviors are aligned with your innermost passions and talents, your mental health flourishes; as a result, you’re better able to access and act on your intrinsic curiosity and to seek out new experiences, learn, and grow.)

Life Area #5: Career

According to Bayer, when your work aligns with your core values, interests, and innate talents, you’ll feel a sense of purpose and get genuine enjoyment from your day-to-day responsibilities. On the other hand, if your job doesn't align with who you really are, you're liable to feel bored, drained, and aimless.

(Shortform note: Steven Kotler (The Art of Impossible) explains why work that aligns with your true nature feels more satisfying and meaningful: Your brain releases pleasurable neurochemicals when you engage in work that complements your innate talents and interests. These neurochemicals make the experience so enjoyable that you want to spend more time developing your capabilities, and this deeper engagement leads you to discover purpose and meaning in your work.)

Life Area #6: Faith

Bayer argues that, for many people, a sense of connection to something greater than themselves is a core part of their true nature—therefore, living with faith strengthens your alignment with your true self and infuses your life with peace and inner guidance. However, if you’ve lost touch with this transcendent part of who you are, you may feel lost or cynical about life's deeper meaning.

(Shortform note: Similarly, Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now) suggests that everyone has a true Being that connects them to something greater than themselves as well as every other living thing. He argues that, unlike learned behaviors or beliefs, this sense of connection emerges from the simple act of being fully present. When you drop your mental constructs and defenses, you experience a sense of oneness with existence. This suggests that spirituality isn't something you need to seek or learn, but rather an innate way of experiencing life that becomes accessible when you stop resisting your natural state of being.)

Step #2: Personify Your Aligned and Misaligned Selves

After evaluating how you feel in all areas of your life, you'll have two key pieces of information. First, you’ll have a clear idea of where you're acting in alignment with your true self and where you've become disconnected. Second, you’ll be aware of how you behave when you're being true to yourself—and how you behave when you're not.

For example, if you noticed that you communicate confidently and openly when interacting with certain groups of friends but become defensive and withdrawn around other friends, you’ve identified distinct behavioral patterns that can clue you in to whether you’re aligned or misaligned, and what types of people bring out these behaviors in you.

(Shortform note: Bayer suggests that people act positively when they’re being authentic and negatively when they’re not. Research adds that whether a behavior is positive or negative depends on how genuine it feels. Even "negative" behaviors can be positive if they meet your needs, and "positive" behaviors can be harmful if you use them to mask your true feelings. For example, withdrawing can be healthy if you need time to reflect, while acting confident can be harmful if it masks insecurity. This suggests that it’s more useful to examine your behaviors based on the needs or feelings they serve, rather than labeling them as simply “good” or “bad.”)

How to Increase Awareness of Automatic Behaviors

Bayer recommends making two separate lists: one of your aligned behaviors and one of your misaligned behaviors. Then, use each list to create two distinct characters that represent your aligned self and your misaligned self. Make these characters as detailed and vivid as you can—for instance, give each of them a name, a distinct physical appearance, a specific dialect, and a set of unique personality traits.

For example, you might create a character named Sunshine to represent the part of you that communicates confidently. You describe Sunshine as a tall, graceful character who speaks clearly and warmly. The character who represents the part of you that becomes defensive—named Hedgehog—is a small, hunched character who mutters and avoids eye contact.

Bayer explains the power of creating these characters: Up until now, he says, you’ve likely been behaving automatically, reacting to situations without conscious thought. (For example, when you’re in an uncomfortable social situation, you instinctively start to retreat without considering if there’s another way to respond.) Personifying your behaviors with detailed characters makes it easier to recognize which “self” is in control. This awareness makes it much harder to ignore when you’re acting out of alignment, giving you a chance to interrupt and reflect on your automatic behavior.

For example, the next time you experience discomfort at a social gathering and feel the urge to retreat, you recognize that Hedgehog has taken control of your behaviors. You take a step back from the situation and consider whether you really want to withdraw from it.

How Personification Helps Change Unconscious Behaviors

Todd Herman (The Alter Ego Effect) recommends a similar personification process and offers insight into how it can help you consciously choose your behaviors. He explains that most of your responses to situations are unconscious habits you've developed over years—patterns of behavior that have become so natural you don't even realize you're engaging in them. While some of these unconscious behaviors serve you well, others are outdated or unhealthy.

Herman argues personifying your different behaviors as distinct characters helps you make conscious choices about how you want to act. The act of personification creates psychological distance between you and your behaviors, so you can choose to embody or avoid them based on what serves you best in the moment.

Further, Herman explains that this process helps you tap into strengths you already have but aren’t using. At your core, you’re creative, motivated, curious, and full of potential. But over time, you’ve internalized limiting beliefs about yourself and adopted bad habits that hold you back. Personifying your positive behaviors helps you bypass your limiting beliefs because you’re not being yourself—you’re being someone with positive beliefs about the world and themselves.

In addition to giving your characters names, physical details, and personality traits, Herman recommends giving them rich backstories that explain what empowers or triggers their (your) behaviors. Understanding the origins and triggers of each character makes them feel more real and memorable, strengthening your ability to recognize and choose between them in the moment. For example, say Hedgehog developed during your difficult middle school years. You learned to protect yourself from bullies by taking up little space—you hunched, mumbled, and avoided attention. These behaviors kept you safe then, but now they activate when you’re in social situations that make you nervous, which is neither necessary nor helpful.

Step #3: Set Goals That Align With Your True Self

Finally, you’ll use your aligned and misaligned characters—and your increased awareness of your behaviors—to set goals that reflect your core values and passions. Following through with these goals will help you bridge the gap between who you are now and your true self, moving you toward a life that feels more meaningful and fulfilling.

(Shortform note: James Clear (Atomic Habits) clarifies how pursuing goals aligned with your true self helps you become that self. He explains that your identity informs your actions and vice versa—someone who identifies as a hiker goes on many hikes, and someone who goes on many hikes would identify as a hiker. The more you pursue goals that align with your true self—which involves acting like your true self—the more you start to identify with that self. For example, if your true self’s goal is to communicate more honestly, each attempt you make to open up in conversations will make you feel like someone who communicates honestly. You’ll then continue to express yourself openly because that’s what honest communicators do.)

How to Set Aligned Goals

Bayer suggests setting goals by asking your aligned character how they want to show up and what they want to experience in all six life areas: relationship with yourself, relationships with others, physical health, knowledge and skills, career, and faith.

Bayer explains why your aligned character is the best place to look for goal-setting advice. This character is both a representation of who you really are and of what your ideal life looks like. Exploring what this character wants from life and what they’d do if they were in control of your behaviors will help you figure out goals that both complement who you are and move you closer to what you want.

Meditate With Your Ideal Self

Brianna Wiest (The Mountain Is You) offers practical advice for gaining insight into what your aligned character wants from life: Engage in meditation with your ideal self.

First, find a quiet place, sit down with a pen and paper, take deep breaths to center yourself, and release any fears or negative emotions. When you feel relaxed, visualize the highest version of yourself sitting across from you (according to Bayer, this would be your aligned character). Then, take note of how they look, behave, speak, and communicate through their body language; what are they wearing, how are they feeling, and what do they do every day?

Next, listen to the advice that this ideal self wants to give you, even if it’s something you might disagree with at first. This advice should be uplifting, caring, and helpful. Now, imagine the particular aspects of this person’s life that allow them to live their values—where they’re living, what job they’re doing, the relationships they have, their daily tasks, their habits, and so on.

Finally, imagine them giving you the key to that life—their life, routines, behaviors, and skills are now yours. This final step will put you in an “action” mindset that encourages you to set appropriate goals and enact the tasks and behaviors necessary to become your ideal self.

How to Follow Through on Your Goals

Bayer suggests that you’re more likely to follow through with your goals, live in alignment with who you are, and move toward living your ideal life if you adopt four goal-setting approaches:

1) Focus on what you can control so you can take direct action rather than getting derailed by factors outside your control. For example, if your goal is to overcome your tendency to withdraw from uncomfortable conversations with your partner, focus on improving your ability to express your feelings openly rather than trying to control your partner’s reactions.

(Shortform note: Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) explains how focusing on what’s within your control helps you achieve your goals. When you direct your energy toward things you can't control, you create a self-defeating cycle of frustration that drains the mental resources you need to achieve your goals. On the other hand, each time you identify and positively change something within your control, you expand what he calls your "circle of influence"—gradually increasing your capacity to create positive change in more areas of your life.)

2) Set clearly defined, time-bound goals so you know exactly what you're working toward and can measure your progress. For example, you might set the goal of broaching a specific, contentious topic with your partner by the end of the month.

(Shortform note: Tony Robbins (Awaken the Giant Within) expands on how defining a specific goal helps you follow through with it. According to Robbins, the more specific you are about what you want and when you want it, the easier it is to imagine the benefits of achieving it—and these positive expectations increase your motivation to take proactive steps forward. In addition, having a highly specific goal allows you to plan and prepare for potential obstacles, improving your chances of overcoming setbacks and helping you maintain momentum.)

3) Break goals into small steps to help you focus on what you need to do to make progress. For example, clarify your thoughts about the topic on paper or practice expressing your feelings in front of a mirror to shore up your confidence ahead of the discussion.

(Shortform note: In addition to helping you focus on what you need to do, breaking goals into small steps helps you make progress by increasing your self-confidence. According to Chip and Dan Heath (Switch), contemplating a large, distant change from your starting point can discourage you: “I’ll never be able to broach that conversation with my partner. I have no idea how to handle it.” On the other hand, small, frequent actions ensure that you’re only looking at the next step instead of impossibly far ahead. Each time you accomplish a small action, you become more confident you’ll take the next one: “I’ve clarified what I want to say about this. It’ll be no problem to express how I feel.”)

4) Enlist support from others who can hold you accountable and provide encouragement as you work toward your goals. For example, ask a trusted friend to do a practice run-through of the conversation with you and ask for their feedback and advice.

(Shortform note: Research provides insights into how enlisting support from others benefits you. Pursuing transformative goals requires you to make many changes, such as releasing bad habits, acquiring new skills, or adopting new strategies. When you’re working alone, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the amount of effort required to make these changes. This limits your ability to acknowledge the progress you’ve made and makes the process feel arduous. On the other hand, sharing your progress with others creates a space to celebrate your achievements and receive ongoing support—making you feel good and motivating you.)