PDF Summary:Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, by Stephanie M. Kriesberg

Growing up with a narcissistic mother can have long-lasting emotional impacts. In Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Stephanie M. Kriesberg guides women through recognizing the behaviors and traits developed from this upbringing—including self-doubt, difficulty setting boundaries, and tendencies to blame themselves or overly please others.

Kriesberg provides strategies for increasing self-awareness and emotional regulation, cultivating genuine self-confidence, and establishing healthier relationships. Her insights aim to empower daughters to overcome the lingering effects of maternal narcissism and build more fulfilling lives.

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Gaining insight into and recognizing one's own mental and emotional state.

Kriesberg underscores the significance of using methods that focus on mindfulness and the unbiased acknowledgment of feelings as essential for regulating one's feelings. Mindfulness involves focusing on the present, noticing thoughts and emotions as they arise, without succumbing to harsh self-criticism. Acceptance entails recognizing and permitting challenging emotions to surface, without attempting to alter or repress them. The author emphasizes the significance of broadening the range of emotional experiences while neither downplaying nor rationalizing the distress endured.

Developing the skill to recognize and label different feelings without passing judgment.

The author recommends that readers broaden their vocabulary of emotions to enable a more nuanced recognition of their varied emotional states. She explains that by pinpointing and labeling the most troubling emotions, their influence can be lessened, giving the daughter a sense of control over her feelings. For example, instead of simply feeling "bad," the daughter might be able to identify feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, or loneliness, allowing for a more precise understanding of her inner state.

Context

• Different cultures may have unique words for emotions that are not easily translated, highlighting the importance of understanding emotions within a cultural context.
• Expanding emotional vocabulary enhances communication skills, allowing individuals to express their feelings more clearly and improve interpersonal relationships.
• Recognizing and labeling emotions can help individuals become more aware of their emotional responses, which is a crucial step in emotional regulation.
• By moving away from vague terms like "bad," individuals can avoid overgeneralizing their emotional experiences, which can lead to a more balanced perspective.

Fostering a sense of self-compassion can help mitigate difficult emotions.

Kriesberg advises cultivating self-compassion as a means to mitigate the harsh self-criticism often stemming from an upbringing by a narcissistic parent. Developing self-compassion involves offering oneself the same degree of empathy and encouragement that one would normally reserve for a close friend in similar situations. The author advises daughters to counteract the negative self-talk by nurturing themselves with supportive and affirmative statements rather than succumbing to self-reproach. Participating in such activities can help ease difficult feelings, strengthen one's ability to deal with hardships, and promote a more profound self-acceptance.

Other Perspectives

• Encouraging oneself as one would a friend could potentially lead to complacency or avoidance of critical self-reflection necessary for personal growth, if not balanced with realistic self-appraisal.
• Positive affirmations may not be effective for everyone; some individuals might find them to be unrealistic or inauthentic, which could potentially lead to increased feelings of self-doubt or frustration.
• For some, the idea of self-nurturing might feel foreign or uncomfortable, particularly if they have been raised in environments where self-care was not valued or modeled.
• Self-compassion practices may not be universally effective, as individuals have different coping mechanisms, and what works for one person may not work for another.

Breaking the continuous loop of negative thinking.

Kriesberg explores the persistent harmful thought patterns that women frequently experience when they have been brought up by mothers who exhibit narcissistic behaviors. RNT frequently results in a continuous cycle of anxiety, characterized by a relentless stream of pessimistic and redundant musings, coupled with harsh self-judgment, thereby perpetuating a cycle of discomfort and doubt. The author recognizes the challenges associated with liberating oneself from these entrenched habits and provides useful methods to counteract these detrimental thoughts.

Distinguishing between significant thoughts and those that are merely background thoughts.

Kriesberg introduces the concept of distinguishing between thoughts that hold importance and those that simply serve as diversions. Insights from thoughts that act as signals can guide one towards positive actions or towards solving difficulties. Frequently, these recurring thoughts are harmful and stem from beliefs that are distorted or worthless. The author advises readers to be mindful of their thought patterns, discerning which ones merit consideration and which should be released. This aids in alleviating the psychological discomfort linked with continuous negative thinking and promotes a more equitable inner conversation.

Context

• Reducing the focus on background thoughts can decrease stress and anxiety, as individuals are less likely to ruminate on unimportant or negative ideas.
• Such beliefs can significantly affect self-esteem, leading individuals to undervalue themselves or doubt their capabilities, perpetuating a cycle of negative self-assessment.
• Mindfulness enhances self-awareness, allowing individuals to better understand their triggers and habitual responses, leading to more intentional actions.
• Core beliefs, often formed in childhood, can influence thought patterns. Recognizing and reassessing these beliefs can help in determining which thoughts are worth attention.
• A balanced inner conversation aids in clearer decision-making by reducing the noise of negative self-talk and focusing on constructive thoughts.

Creating methods to detach from and reinterpret unconstructive cognitive habits.

The author offers a range of techniques for dealing with noise thoughts, such as defusion and externalization. Defusion instructs people to consider their thoughts simply as occurrences within the mind rather than as facts, and it trains them to observe their thoughts dispassionately, avoiding entanglement in the story their thoughts tell. Externalization involves visualizing thoughts as separate entities, giving them a name or character, and actively engaging in a more humorous or playful manner to diminish their influence. These techniques foster a separation from damaging cognitive routines, providing the person with enhanced ability to withstand and govern her responses to internal conversations.

Context

• By not taking thoughts at face value, individuals can make more rational and less emotionally-driven decisions.
• Techniques might include silently repeating a thought in a silly voice or visualizing it as a cloud floating by, which helps in reducing its emotional charge.
• This technique can be particularly useful in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) settings, where clients learn to challenge and change unhelpful thought patterns.
• Using humor and playfulness can activate different areas of the brain, promoting creativity and problem-solving, which can lead to new insights and solutions.
• Techniques can be tailored to fit individual needs and preferences, making them more effective for personal growth.
• Engaging in these practices can contribute to neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections, which can lead to more adaptive thinking patterns.

Navigating personal emotions to enhance one's overall well-being.

The section of the book aims to guide women who have mothers with narcissistic traits in handling their emotions to achieve better outcomes. The author acknowledges that difficulties in handling interpersonal connections and stress management may stem from an inability to regulate emotions, often linked to the unstable emotional state of the maternal figure.

Exploring the ways in which a daughter's difficulties are influenced by her mother's challenges in managing her own emotions.

The author illustrates that a mother's narcissistic characteristics contribute to the creation of a volatile and unpredictable environment, which stems from her struggles with emotional regulation and leads to her daughter constantly living in a state of worry and struggling to control her own emotions. A daughter might become adept at hiding her emotions to prevent triggering her mother's unpredictable anger. A daughter may feel excessively burdened and responsible when her mother consistently relies on her for emotional support.

Other Perspectives

• The term "narcissistic characteristics" is broad and can encompass a range of behaviors, not all of which may lead to volatility; it is important to specify which narcissistic behaviors are contributing to the environment described.
• It is possible that the daughter may not always be in a state of worry; there could be times when she feels secure or happy, and the statement might overgeneralize the daughter's emotional experience.
• Hiding emotions is not always directly learned as a response to a mother's anger; it can also be a coping mechanism developed in response to a variety of environmental and interpersonal stressors.
• The feeling of responsibility for a mother's emotional well-being could be influenced by cultural or familial expectations, rather than solely the mother's emotional challenges.

Developing the ability to pause, acknowledge, and manage emotions in an even-tempered way.

Kriesberg introduces the SLOW technique as a valuable tool for emotional regulation. SLOW is a method that involves pausing briefly to deeply acknowledge and accept one's own emotions, then thoughtfully choosing a response filled with compassion and insight. The approach encourages daughters to take a moment for introspection, to recognize and accept their emotions without self-judgment, and subsequently choose a path aligned with their values and goals. Through developing her skills, the daughter may cultivate a sense of calm and clarity of thought that enables her to navigate challenging circumstances without making impulsive decisions or being unduly swayed by strong emotions.

Context

• The method emphasizes mindfulness, which is the practice of being present and fully engaged with the current moment without judgment.
• The technique supports making decisions that are consistent with one's personal values and long-term goals, rather than being driven by temporary emotional states.
• Practicing non-judgmental introspection can reduce stress and anxiety, as it allows individuals to process emotions in a healthy way, rather than bottling them up or reacting impulsively.
• By regularly practicing the SLOW technique, individuals can build resilience, making it easier to handle future emotional challenges with greater ease and stability.
• By pausing, individuals have the opportunity to reframe their thoughts, viewing situations from different perspectives, which can diminish the power of negative emotions.

Cultivating genuine self-assurance.

The section of the text motivates women who grew up under the care of mothers exhibiting narcissistic characteristics to acknowledge and value their individual attributes and convictions. The author emphasizes the importance of challenging and altering harmful convictions inherited from maternal figures in order to cultivate a self-perception that is both calmer and more confident.

Valuing and cherishing one's distinctive characteristics and values.

Kriesberg encourages her audience to acknowledge and cherish their individual talents and beliefs, highlighting their importance in forging a stronger personal identity. Daughters brought up by self-absorbed mothers often struggle to recognize and appreciate their own qualities, as they have usually focused on catering to the needs and wishes of their mother. Daughters can begin to fortify their essence and rebuild their sense of self-worth by committing time to acknowledge their own unique abilities and values.

The harmful behavior of the narcissistic mother was a primary factor in eroding the daughter's self-esteem.

The author highlights the detrimental impact on a daughter's self-esteem when she is subjected to continuous belittlement, emotional neglect, and the appropriation of her accomplishments by a mother with narcissistic characteristics. This tendency frequently results in a profound feeling of insufficiency and a struggle to acknowledge and value one's own abilities. Kriesberg encourages daughters to challenge these harmful beliefs and develop a sense of self that is genuine and filled with compassion for oneself.

Practical Tips

• Develop a self-appreciation ritual where you dedicate a few minutes each day to acknowledge something you did well. This could be as simple as cooking a healthy meal or managing a stressful situation effectively. The key is to recognize your own efforts and strengths daily, which can help in building self-worth.
• Start a "Challenge the Norm" journal where you write down one societal expectation each day and then list reasons why it may not apply to you or how it could be harmful. This practice encourages critical thinking about societal norms and helps you identify and affirm your own values and beliefs.

Recognizing and valuing the unique talents and traits of the daughter.

Kriesberg offers practical exercises, including the VIA survey which evaluates personal traits, to help readers identify their unique abilities and capabilities. She advises daughters to take pleasure in their personal traits and seek opportunities to incorporate these characteristics into their everyday existence with greater regularity. This may require them to push their boundaries, explore fresh passions, and look for ways to showcase their creativity and abilities. The author emphasizes the significance of recognizing one's own capabilities, not for the sake of self-promotion or to seek validation from others, but to foster true self-worth and genuineness.

Context

• Recognizing personal strengths through tools like the VIA survey can aid in building self-esteem and confidence, especially for those who have been conditioned to doubt their abilities or worth.
• The process of exploring new passions and showcasing abilities is not just about immediate change but contributes to long-term personal growth and fulfillment, helping daughters to lead more authentic and satisfying lives.
• Recognizing one's capabilities helps break the cycle of seeking approval from others, allowing individuals to build a self-concept based on their own strengths and achievements.
• Focusing on internal validation can lead to more sustainable and long-lasting personal satisfaction and happiness compared to seeking external approval.

Overcoming the urge for perfection and a deficit in self-assurance.

Kriesberg explores the common struggles of daughters brought up by mothers exhibiting narcissistic behaviors, which often lead to persistent self-questioning and an incessant drive for flawlessness. The author explains that striving for perfection often originates from efforts to satisfy the unrealistic expectations imposed by a narcissistic parent. This tendency can perpetuate a critical internal monologue that impedes the daughter's complete embrace and recognition of happiness and success.

Exploring the deep-seated origins of the daughter's intense self-criticism.

The author explores the origins of the daughter's intense self-criticism, often stemming from the internalization of her narcissistic mother's perspective as her personal inner monologue. The internalized voice maintains a cycle that undermines confidence and fosters a sense of insufficiency through relentless self-criticism, judgment, and disparagement. Kriesberg offers guidance to women, suggesting that the critical inner voice they frequently face stems from their upbringing rather than being an inherent part of who they are. Daughters can start to counteract the negative influence by comprehending where it stems from and fostering an inner conversation that is more nurturing and empathetic.

Context

• During formative years, children are highly impressionable, and repeated exposure to criticism can shape their cognitive patterns, making self-criticism a default mode of thinking.
• The internalized voice can be seen as a cognitive pattern where the daughter adopts the critical and judgmental attitudes of the mother, affecting her self-esteem and decision-making.
• During childhood, individuals form their sense of self based on interactions with primary caregivers. A narcissistic mother's critical nature can distort this process, embedding negative self-perceptions.
• Techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help individuals identify and reframe negative self-talk, replacing it with more positive and realistic affirmations.

Cultivating a sense of self-compassion to transcend unattainable expectations.

Kriesberg underscores the necessity of cultivating adaptability and embracing oneself to transcend the often unattainable ideals associated with perfectionism. She encourages daughters to challenge their "all-or-nothing" thinking by accepting mistakes and imperfections without harsh self-judgment. The author advocates for an approach that fully recognizes an individual's entire personality, including both their strengths and weaknesses. This process can involve challenging negative self-talk, focusing on progress rather than perfection, and celebrating small victories along the way.

Context

• Societal pressures can exacerbate the need for perfection, making it important to recognize and resist these external influences.
• This cognitive distortion involves viewing situations in black-and-white terms, without recognizing the spectrum of possibilities in between. It can lead to extreme self-criticism and unrealistic standards.
• Understanding and accepting one's full personality can improve relationships by fostering authenticity and reducing the need for external validation.
• This refers to the internal dialogue that can be critical and damaging, often rooted in past experiences or learned behaviors. It can perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and hinder personal growth.

Establishing clear boundaries and effectively communicating personal needs is essential.

Kriesberg directs individuals on how to effectively articulate their needs and set definitive limits. She underscores the difficulties faced by women raised by self-absorbed mothers, having been taught to prioritize their mother's needs above their own. The writer provides practical guidance on establishing boundaries and communicating in a direct and confident manner, which empowers daughters to protect their emotional well-being and improve their interactions with others.

The publication explores the challenges a daughter encounters while trying to set personal limits due to her upbringing.

The author details the difficulties an individual encounters when trying to establish and maintain personal boundaries as a result of her mother's persistent invasion of her private space and the undue emotional dependence her narcissistic mother places on her. This often leads to a tendency to prioritize the joy of others, find difficulty in saying no, and consistently rank the welfare of others higher than their own individual necessities. Kriesberg underscores the necessity of identifying and consciously confronting these behaviors to establish a life that is more harmonious and rewarding.

Context

• The need to please their mother to gain approval can extend into other relationships, making it difficult to say no or prioritize their own well-being.
• This refers to a relationship where personal boundaries are blurred, and the mother may rely on the daughter for emotional support, treating her more like a confidante or partner than a child.
• Without intervention, these patterns can persist into adulthood, affecting relationships and personal well-being.
• They may experience guilt when attempting to prioritize their own needs, as they have been conditioned to feel responsible for others' emotions.
• Therapy can be a crucial tool in identifying and confronting these behaviors, providing strategies to set healthy boundaries and improve self-awareness.

Practicing assertiveness skills to advocate for herself in a clear, calm, and congenial manner

Kriesberg provides comprehensive tactics for improving an individual's assertive communication skills. She emphasizes the importance of using "I" statements to express one's own feelings and needs in a way that avoids assigning blame or making accusations. The author recommends staying calm, engaging in transparent dialogue with a steady voice, making sure to maintain eye contact, and focusing on the desired outcome of the conversation. Kriesberg underscores the need for steady dedication and endurance, recognizing that experiencing discomfort or nervousness is a typical aspect of the journey toward becoming more assertive.

Context

• People often mistake "I" statements for being self-centered, but they are actually a tool for clear communication that respects both parties' perspectives.
• Calmness and eye contact can help in managing anxiety, making the speaker feel more in control and grounded during interactions.
• This focus can enhance relationships by fostering mutual understanding and cooperation, as both parties work towards a common goal.
• Developing assertiveness is not an overnight change but a gradual process that involves consistent effort and self-reflection over time.
• Recognizing nervousness as a natural part of the journey can help reduce self-criticism. It encourages a more compassionate view of oneself, understanding that mistakes and setbacks are part of learning.

Forging a path toward a satisfying life while managing relationships.

In her book's concluding part, Kriesberg examines the challenges and opportunities these daughters face as they strive to build fulfilling and emotionally stable lives after growing up with a mother who exhibited narcissistic behaviors. The author recognizes the complexities of navigating interpersonal connections, particularly with brothers and sisters, and offers strategies to cultivate a circle of peers and friends that offers authentic and supportive camaraderie.

Exploring the intricacies of relationships among siblings.

This section explores the unique challenges that emerge within the sibling relationships in families where the mother displays narcissistic tendencies. Kriesberg acknowledges that the complexity of familial dynamics can greatly affect these connections, leading to different levels of closeness, estrangement, or competition among siblings. She offers insights into understanding family dynamics and proposes methods to improve sibling relationships.

Investigating common family patterns, such as designating one individual as the scapegoat and fostering discord, particularly when a mother's conduct exhibits characteristics of narcissism.

Kriesberg explores common family dynamics that can affect the relationships among siblings, such as the assignment of fault and the shifting of emotional turmoil. The mother often projects her negative emotions onto her daughter, making her feel accountable for her mother's psychological well-being. The author elucidates that such dynamics often lead to strained relationships, bitterness, and distrust among siblings, which complicates the development of tight-knit and nurturing connections.

Context

• Understanding these dynamics is crucial for therapeutic approaches aimed at healing and rebuilding self-esteem and healthy relationships for those affected.
• Scapegoating disrupts the family system by creating an imbalance where one member bears the emotional burden, preventing healthy communication and mutual support among family members.
• Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own unwanted feelings or traits onto someone else. In this context, the mother may project her insecurities or failures onto her daughter.
• The environment may discourage open communication, as expressing feelings might be met with criticism or dismissal, preventing honest sibling relationships.

Investigating methods to deepen comprehension and foster relationships among brothers and sisters.

The author recommends that readers work diligently to build understanding and a strong connection with their siblings, recognizing the shared challenges they faced while growing up. This could involve participating in open conversations, listening carefully to what is said, and offering understanding and support. Kriesberg underscores the complexity and the need for ongoing commitment to sibling relationships, highlighting the rewarding aspect of working towards understanding and connection.

Context

• Narcissistic family dynamics often involve poor communication patterns. Learning effective communication skills can help siblings overcome these barriers.
• Learn and apply conflict resolution strategies to address and resolve disagreements constructively, which can strengthen sibling bonds.
• While offering support, it’s important to establish healthy boundaries to ensure that the relationship remains balanced and does not become codependent or overwhelming.
• Past conflicts or unresolved issues can linger and affect current interactions, necessitating ongoing effort to address and heal.
• Siblings can form a crucial part of one's support network, offering practical and emotional assistance throughout life stages.

Forming nurturing and encouraging connections beyond the familial ties.

The focus of this book section is to assist daughters of egocentric mothers in developing supportive and healthy relationships outside of their family connections. Kriesberg recognizes that these individuals might grapple with forming close bonds and often find themselves in relationships lacking in dependability and security.

Liberating oneself from tendencies of isolation, doubt, and the propensity to excessively conform to the requirements of those around us.

Kriesberg offers guidance to women who grew up under the care of mothers exhibiting narcissistic characteristics, assisting them in identifying and addressing patterns that may hinder the formation of healthy relationships. The early-formed behaviors may lead to the selection of partners who are emotionally unapproachable or to a consistent pattern of placing the happiness and health of others above one's personal well-being. The writer underscores the importance of developing self-awareness, breaking free from harmful relationship dynamics, and seeking out connections based on mutual respect, support, and trust.

Other Perspectives

• There is a risk that the guidance could inadvertently reinforce gender stereotypes by implying that women, in particular, need help in this area, which could be seen as patronizing or an oversimplification of a complex issue.
• The ability to form healthy relationships is influenced by a multitude of factors, not just early-formed behaviors; genetics, life experiences, and personal choices all play significant roles.
• Self-awareness as a concept can be too abstract or daunting for some individuals, making it seem like an inaccessible solution to their problems.
• While seeking connections based on mutual respect, support, and trust is ideal, it may not always be realistic, as human relationships are complex and can sometimes involve conflict and misunderstanding.

Cultivating the ability for genuine closeness and mutual support.

The author emphasizes the importance of developing the capacity for authentic intimacy and reciprocal care. The path forward often necessitates that the daughter challenge her tendency to minimize her own needs, learn to express her feelings effectively, and select friends who understand and validate her emotions, all while setting strong personal boundaries. Kriesberg underscores the considerable advantages for daughters who pursue therapy to tackle these difficulties, as it assists in making sense of past occurrences and in forming patterns that foster the creation of healthy relationships.

Context

• Challenging this tendency involves recognizing and valuing one's own needs, which is crucial for developing healthy, balanced relationships and a strong sense of self.
• When individuals express their feelings openly, it can build trust in relationships, as it demonstrates honesty and vulnerability, encouraging others to do the same.
• Having friends who validate emotions can contribute to building self-esteem and self-worth, as it reinforces the idea that their feelings are legitimate and important.
• Strong boundaries help reinforce self-respect and autonomy, enabling individuals to make choices that align with their values and needs.
• Therapists can teach effective coping strategies to manage anxiety, depression, or other emotional challenges that may arise from past experiences.

Discovering significance, direction, and development while confronting adversity.

Kriesberg emphasizes the potential for growth following traumatic experiences, highlighting the chance to build a fulfilling life despite challenges stemming from a childhood dominated by a narcissistic mother. The author motivates readers to view their experiences as chances for self-exploration, building resilience, and undergoing personal change.

Exploring avenues for personal development and discovery following trauma.

The writer conveys that people have the potential to undergo beneficial psychological changes when faced with challenging situations. She explains that PTG involves finding meaning and direction in challenging situations, often leading to a deeper appreciation for life, strengthened relationships, new possibilities, and a heightened awareness of personal strength. Kriesberg suggests that daughters with narcissistic mothers should view their early life experiences as opportunities for significant transformation instead of as limitations that determine their identity.

Context

• Some researchers argue that PTG might be overestimated or misinterpreted, as people may report growth as a coping mechanism rather than experiencing genuine change.
• Factors such as personality traits, social support, and coping strategies can influence the likelihood and extent of experiencing PTG.
• The process often involves cognitive processing, where individuals re-evaluate their beliefs and assumptions about the world, leading to new perspectives and personal growth.
• Trauma survivors often develop a heightened sense of empathy and vulnerability, which can enhance their ability to form deeper, more meaningful connections with others.
• Over time, PTG can contribute to improved mental health, greater life satisfaction, and a more profound sense of purpose and meaning in life.
• The process often involves cognitive processing, where individuals re-evaluate their beliefs and assumptions about the world, leading to new perspectives and personal insights.
• Pursuing education or career paths that align with personal interests can provide a sense of purpose and achievement, contributing to a transformed self-identity.
• Building a supportive community, whether through friends, support groups, or online forums, can provide validation and encouragement, helping individuals feel less isolated in their experiences.

Integrating the lessons of the past to create a life aligned with personal values and aspirations

Kriesberg encourages readers to integrate the lessons learned from their past experiences to create a life aligned with their personal values and aspirations. This path involves recognizing their inherent resilience, establishing clear personal limits, pursuing genuine connections, and intentionally partaking in pursuits that cultivate happiness and a sense of completeness. The author emphasizes the significance of continuous efforts to forge a fulfilling life, requiring courage, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace the diverse obstacles and opportunities that arise.

Context

• Being open to new experiences and opportunities can help individuals redefine their identity and pursue a life that truly reflects their values and desires.
• Resilience is a key component of personal growth, as it encourages learning from experiences and using those lessons to improve future responses and decisions.
• By setting limits, individuals can prevent burnout by ensuring they do not overextend themselves in personal or professional commitments, maintaining a healthy work-life balance.
• Establishing authentic relationships helps rebuild trust, which may have been damaged by manipulative or self-centered parental behavior.
• Participating in enjoyable activities can lower stress levels by reducing cortisol, a hormone linked to stress, thereby improving overall mental health.
• Being adaptable to changing circumstances is essential for maintaining progress and finding fulfillment in a dynamic world.
• Reaching out for therapy or support groups can be intimidating but is crucial for healing. Courage is needed to be vulnerable and open to external help.