PDF Summary:A Radical Awakening, by Shefali Tsabary

Many women constantly strive to be good enough but feel burned out and unfulfilled instead. In A Radical Awakening, Shefali Tsabary attributes this phenomenon to their compulsion to meet patriarchal standards. Women are taught to fulfill their needs for love and validation by being perfect, and when they inevitably fail to do so, they’re left feeling flawed and out of touch with their authentic selves. According to Tsabary, the way to break this cycle and achieve happiness is to detach from external standards, learn to fulfill your own needs, and let your authentic self dictate your actions and identity.

In this guide, we’ll explain how patriarchal standards impact women’s sense of identity and ability to achieve happiness. Then, we’ll explore Tsabary’s three main strategies to overcome this plight—recognizing your ego, deconstructing societal myths, and honoring your authentic self. In commentary, we’ll supplement Tsabary’s discussion with other sources on healing and authenticity like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw.

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(Shortform note: Anthropologists explain that the suppression of female sexuality can be traced to the start of farming, cattle-keeping, and competition over resources. Once communities started having excess resources, men needed to fight to protect the resources from raids. Women couldn’t do this type of work and were confined to the house. As this system progressed, men gained control over resources, and wealth inequality began to arise. Maintaining one's wealth became important, and people did so through inheritance. However, men needed to ensure that their wives were giving birth to their children and not another man’s. Therefore, women’s sexuality was suppressed and controlled while men’s wasn’t.)

Tsabary says that women should reclaim their sexuality by exploring their own body and sexual interests. They should shamelessly decide who they want to have sex with, when, and how often.

(Shortform note: In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski explains that part of exploring your sexuality is understanding the two-system mechanism in your brain that defines your sexuality personality, which is different for everyone. The first system is the Sexual Excitation System (SES), which controls arousal—it scans your environment for potential turn-ons. The other system is the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS), which scans the environment for potential reasons not to have sex. Understanding what triggers your desire to have or not have sex can help you have a more enjoyable experience. For instance, learning how to reduce SIS triggers can keep you from feeling like there’s something wrong with you when your SIS prevents your body from responding even when you want to have sex.)

Relationships

According to Tsabary, the notions that society preaches about monogamy and the nature of relationships contradict human nature.

Our Non-Monogamous Nature

First, Tsabary believes that human nature is tailored toward non-monogamy rather than monogamy, as society preaches. Tsabary claims that the different biopsychologies of men and women support this claim—men are fertile all the time and can impregnate infinite women; therefore, their nature is to constantly seek partners to spread their genes. On the other hand, women are only fertile once a month and can produce a limited number of children, therefore they must be highly selective in their partner to ensure strong offspring—but each child doesn’t need to have the same father.

Further, says Tsabary, human tribal history shows that most communities were non-monogamous and that children were raised by the community rather than a mother-father unit. This allowed children to receive constant attention and care without a nuclear family. This community structure supported non-monogamy because it allowed adults to have relationships, and children, with multiple partners without negatively impacting child rearing and development.

Ultimately, our biopsychology and history show that humans thrived in non-monogamous communities.

Evolutionary Psychology: A Case For and Against Monogamy

In Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá reiterate Tsabary’s claims in support of humans’ non-monogamous nature. However, they add to the discussion by providing support for the “standard narrative” as well—the opposing claim that monogamy is actually our natural state.

Ryan and Jethá explain that the standard narrative is backed by two main assumptions. First is the nature of men and women’s reproductive goals. For example, women’s libido is lower than men’s, therefore sex is somewhat of a trade-off—she provides exclusive sex to one partner in exchange for resources and protection (she doesn’t have a desire for multiple partners). On the other hand, men are driven to have sex to spread their genes, but they’re only driven to provide for children they know are theirs; therefore, monogamy allows them to ensure this goal is met.

The second assumption supporting the standard narrative is the difference in jealousy between men and women—women get jealous when their partners are emotionally intimate with others while men get jealous when their partners are sexually intimate with others. This difference in jealousy supports the previous two theories—men get jealous about sexual intimacy because it threatens their ability to ensure their offspring is their own, and women get jealous about emotional intimacy because it risks the potential of their partner giving their resources and protection to another woman instead. This possessiveness supports the argument that we’re meant to be monogamous.

The Detriments of Monogamy

While Tsabary recognizes that non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, she emphasizes that simply accepting the standards of monogamy without introspection can cause major problems.

First, committing to one person for the rest of your life without question often causes both men and women to sabotage their happiness and fulfillment. Tsabary believes that it’s highly unlikely for one person to fulfill all your mental, emotional, and sexual needs for the rest of your life. Therefore, monogamy often causes people to suffer with unfulfilled needs by denying them the opportunity to connect with people who can meet those needs.

(Shortform note: Numerous studies support Tsabary’s claim, finding that consensually non-monogamous couples tend to rank higher in relationship satisfaction and commitment. One study from 2020 also reported that 42% of non-monogamous individuals believed that the diversity in their relationships allowed them to fulfill a wider variety of their needs, as Tsabary theorizes would be the case.)

Meeting these needs is important, explains Tsabary, because they’ll lead to a point of breakdown if they go unmet for long enough. For example, we may begin to resent our partner who’s unable to provide the emotional support we need. Or, we deceive our partner by fulfilling sexual needs they don’t meet outside the relationship without their consent. Whether we want to or not, our subconscious mind will drive us to meet our needs—it’s better to do so in a healthy way than in unsatisfactory ways.

(Shortform note: Allowing your needs to go unmet has a variety of consequences. One outcome is entering an “unmet needs affair,” as Mira Kirshenbaum explains in When Good People Have Affairs. Kirshenbaum says that unmet needs affairs happen when one aspect of the relationship is lacking, for example sex or intimacy, and the person feeling the lack becomes obsessed with the missing part and overlooks all the other ways in which the relationship works. However, it’s important to note that having unmet needs isn’t an excuse to cheat—the unmet needs often cloud your vision and cause you to act counterproductively. In the following note, we’ll discuss how to handle unmet needs in your relationship.)

This isn’t to say you need to leave your primary partnership to satisfy your needs—Tsabary believes you can explore other connections while maintaining a loving relationship with your primary partner. This is possible because, according to Tsabary, love and commitment are about much more than sex—they’re about regular connection and shared experiences. If partners are committed to dedicating time to each other and growing together, and agree on being non-monogamous, they can continue a happy partnership while meeting unfulfilled needs outside the relationship.

(Shortform note: Non-monogamous relationships aren’t for everyone so looking to fulfill unmet needs with other partners might not be a viable solution for many people. Other techniques you can try to fulfill your needs within your relationship include talking about your needs—it’s possible you and your partner have never discussed this with each other. Ask each other what makes each of you feel important, what makes each of you feel connected, and what you each need to feel safe in the relationship. You can also take an inventory of how well you’re meeting each other's needs currently to identify areas of improvement.)

The Detriments of Marriage Myths

Tsabary continues to explain that our beliefs surrounding marriage can also cause major turmoil. We’re taught that once the marriage contract is made, it should never be broken. This causes many women to endure unhappy and even abusive marriages due to the stigma they fear facing upon divorce.

(Shortform note: Tsabary notes that many women fear divorce due to the societal stigma they’ll endure such as allegations of being a bad wife or mother. However, many women may fear divorce due to more tangible negative effects. Studies show that while men and women both experience negative effects from divorce, women experience more severe emotional and financial issues.)

Further, Tsabary says that while we’re taught that marriage is the ultimate guarantee of love, love comes from partners’ commitment to constantly grow together. People think that once they get married, their relationship is set in stone and will never change. Tsabary explains that this is unrealistic because people are constantly changing—if you cling to a past state of your partner or relationship, you create distance that can be irreconcilable.

(Shortform note: Gary Chapman emphasizes this point in The 5 Love Languages, explaining that many people think marriage is the epitome of love because they operate under the belief that once you fall in love, you’ve won the game. In reality, there are two processes when it comes to love and having a happy relationship: falling in love, and maintaining love. To maintain love—or successfully grow together—Chapman says that couples need to learn how to speak each other's love language. Your love language is the way you feel love—according to Chapman, either through words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, or receiving gifts.)

Tsabary says that true love and commitment require you to accept the evolving nature of your partner and relationship, and commit to growing alongside them. Part of committing to this growth is realizing when two people also naturally grow apart—if this happens, a marriage contract can’t preserve love. Instead, partners who are no longer compatible must acknowledge this and release each other so they can continue to grow on their own paths and reach their individual potentials.

(Shortform note: Knowing when to finally stop trying to fix problems and instead call it quits can be difficult, especially when you still love your partner. There are a few signs you can look for that will indicate it may be time to separate rather than continuing to work on things. For example, if abuse is occurring in the relationship, even minor incidents, this is a sign to break things off as these incidents often escalate. Further, if you fundamentally disagree on vital issues—for example, whether you want kids or how you want to raise them—this is also a sign that separation is the right option.)

Motherhood

Tsabary explains that the societal expectations around motherhood often influence women’s identities negatively. First, society often tells women that the most important thing they can do in life is become a mother, and that if they don’t have children, they’re less of a woman. This is inherently untrue and often makes women without kids or who are unable to conceive feel they’ve lost their female identity.

Further, society encourages motherhood to consume women’s identities once they have children. Because their identity and sense of self-worth become dependent on their children, women become obsessed with being the “perfect” mom. This often causes mothers to put too much pressure on their kids to be perfect—smart, athletic, polite, and so on—because they see their kids as a representation of themselves. Further, when children grow up and move out, the mother often feels she’s lost her identity because she no longer has a child to obsess over.

The Effects of “Mother” as an Identity

The pressure that the patriarchy puts on women to have children and the emphasis on “mother” becoming women’s primary identity after giving birth has more consequences than what Tsabary discusses. Some experts argue that the phenomenon is creating a crucial rift between women who have children and women who don’t.

For example, many childless women feel their relationships with female friends and family deteriorate once their counterparts become mothers. As Tsabary notes, motherhood often consumes women’s identities and shapes daily experiences—when this happens, childless women often feel fundamentally unable to relate to the experiences of their friends who are mothers. This causes them to become estranged from their friends and struggle to fit in with other women, leaving them feeling isolated.

Instead, Tsabary says mothers should see their child as a separate entity that they love and support. They should live in the present moment and accept things as they are rather than judging them as good or bad—not let their children’s behavior or emotions affect their own, and not judge their kids as being good enough or not. This allows them to be a stable and consistent supporter for their children. They should also work to heal their own issues so they can be the best parent they can be.

(Shortform note: Tsabary elaborates on this approach to parenting, called conscious parenting, in her book The Conscious Parent. In the book, she explains that the fundamental principle behind conscious parenting is to recognize that children are the catalyst and guide for a parent's personal and spiritual development. She explains that parents unknowingly pass their emotional pain onto their children if they don’t fix it. This is why parents must live in the present, detach from their ego, and release the need to be the perfect, all-knowing parent with a perfect child. Instead, they need to see their child as a companion in growth so they can both become the best versions of themselves.)

Appearance

Tsabary adds that women also feel constant pressure to meet society’s strict beauty standards—to be young and skinny with light skin, hair, and eyes. However, these standards are unrealistic for most women—especially for those of non-European descent. Despite this, women are made to feel ugly and unworthy when they don’t meet these standards—for example, when they age or gain weight. These feelings of unworthiness often drive them to dress up, dye their hair, pile on makeup, or even undergo procedures and surgeries to alter their appearance.

(Shortform note: Women have attempted to alter themselves throughout history to meet the beauty standard, and this can be stressful because the beauty standard is constantly changing. For example, up until the Victorian era, plumpness was preferred over being skinny. However, in today’s society thinness is preferred and many women go to extreme lengths to lose weight, including developing eating disorders. This isn’t the case everywhere though. For example, in Sudan, plumpness is still preferred and women often take potentially dangerous weight gain pills to attempt to meet this beauty standard. Ultimately, no matter when or where, beauty standards for women are harmful.)

However, Tsabary notes that when women attempt to improve their appearance, they’ make matters worse for women as a whole. The more women adhere to beauty standards and change themselves to meet them, the more they strengthen these standards and the belief that looking different makes them unworthy.

(Shortform note: Tsabary’s advice to combat patriarchal beauty standards by going au naturel and resisting any self-altercation whether from clothes, cosmetics, or surgeries can be more complicated than it seems. For example, many women see these alterations as a form of self-empowerment, enjoyment, or self-expression. However, digging deeper, this makes us question whether we enjoy these alterations because they make us feel prettier, and who put these ideals of “pretty” in our head—maybe it was the media or another patriarchal influence, as Tsabary claims.)

Instead, Tsabary proposes that we resist altering ourselves to meet standards—for example, wear your natural hair, don’t alter your appearance with heavy makeup or surgery, and dress in comfortable clothes rather than clothing meant to boost your attractiveness. Further, stop using words like beautiful or perfect to describe appearances—doing so implies that alternative appearances are ugly or flawed. Instead, simply accept and label your body as it is. For example, rather than saying “my curves are beautiful,” say “I love my curves.”

(Shortform note: In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski has additional recommendations to help you start loving your natural appearance more. For example, battle your tendency to judge yourself more harshly than you would others by looking at your naked body every day in the mirror and listing all the details you like about yourself. Further, ignore negative media—for example, unfollow Instagram models or other social media accounts that make you negatively compare yourself to others.)

Honor Your Authentic Self

According to Tsabary, the most important component of achieving happiness and fulfillment in life is connecting to and honoring your authentic self. This requires you to take total accountability for yourself and your life, detach from external influences, and let your inner self guide you. Tsabary provides a few guiding principles that will help you achieve these goals.

Establish Strong Standards, and Never Accept Less

Tsabary explains that many women can’t be happy and fulfilled because they set low standards for themselves and accept less than they deserve. These low standards often stem from low self-worth that results from failing to meet societal expectations. For example, a woman striving to have the perfect body may deprive herself of food—she accepts less than what she needs to be healthy. Or, a woman craving acceptance may stay in an abusive relationship because she thinks if she just tries harder, her partner will treat her better—her standards are low.

Tsabary argues that women must recognize and take accountability for the actions, decisions, and habits that compromise their well-being and power. Rather than seeing themselves as powerless or victims, women need to love and respect themselves enough to let go of people and situations that don’t serve them and only accept ones that do.

(Shortform note: In Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw explains that the root of having low self-esteem, low standards, and engaging in self-detrimental behaviors is often toxic shame. Failing to meet societal standards is a common cause of toxic shame, which causes us to accept less than we deserve out of fear that if we demand more, we’ll be told we’re unworthy. Bradshaw offers a few strategies to overcome this toxic shame and the issues it causes, such as by identifying the source of your shame and sharing it with others. For example, share your shame about your weight with close friends. The support you receive from them will show you that you deserve to eat well despite the shame you feel.)

Practice Detachment

According to Tsabary, many women hold themselves back from happiness and fulfillment because of their attachments to others. They rely on people and situations to fulfill their needs and provide them with acceptance; however, these external elements are always changing and therefore can never provide us with the consistent acceptance we seek.

As discussed earlier, Tsabary believes that only you can satisfy your needs and provide the consistent acceptance you seek. To achieve this, she recommends that you live life in a state of detachment—love things as fully as possible, but live in the moment and accept life as it happens. Rather than resisting change or undesirable situations, accept them with grace and refrain from judging them as good or bad and right or wrong. Once you detach from and stop seeking fulfillment from external sources, you’re able to start fulfilling your own needs.

(Shortform note: Detachment is a core component of Stoic philosophy as explained by Marcus Aurelias in Meditations. Like Tsabary, Stoicism asserts detaching from external outcomes is crucial to avoid pain and suffering. One of the primary ways to do so under the Stoic philosophy is to follow the principle of logos. Following logos means believing that everything happens as it should to ensure an outcome that benefits the greater good. Following logos therefore allows you to relinquish control and the need to judge things as good and bad, allowing you to live in a state of detachment and presence as Tsabary recommends.)

Fulfill Your Own Needs

Finally, Tsabary says women must learn how to fulfill their own needs. To do so, they must consider the needs they were trying to fulfill with their egoic identity and attachments to others. Then, they must identify ways to fulfill those needs themselves.

First, to identify the source of your egoic identity and attachments, Tsabary recommends considering which of your childhood needs went unfulfilled. Unfulfilled childhood needs tend to transfer into adulthood and produce the unhealthy methods we use to seek validation such as our ego or attachment to others.

For example, you may have felt lonely and unimportant as a child because your parents were always busy. Asking for their time or attention made you feel like a burden. As an adult, your childhood need for attention and validation manifests as a boss ego where you seek independence. This way, you don’t need anyone else and won’t face rejection like you did as a child. You also receive validation from others for being perfect—they provide you with the assurance that you’re good enough and not a burden.

To overcome this negative cycle, Tsabary explains that you need to get to the root of the problem—override the negative voice in your head. This inner voice prevents you from fulfilling your needs by telling you you’re not good enough—when you don’t think you're good enough, you need others to show you that you are.

To do so, start by acknowledging the origin of your inner thoughts: Did they come from the way you were treated as a child? Did you absorb them from society or culture? For example, you may think you’re unworthy and a burden because your parents made you feel like this as a kid.

Then, consider how you can replace these negative thoughts and be a source of support for yourself—talk to yourself like a best friend or therapist would. Ask yourself questions like: What exactly is making you feel upset or leading you to engage in undesirable behavior? Then talk yourself down—consider why your negative thoughts aren’t true, why you’re actually awesome and not flawed, and what kinds of thoughts and behaviors you should engage in instead.

Fulfilling Your Needs and Overcoming Trauma

In Healing the Shame that Binds You, Bradshaw reiterates the importance of fulfilling your own needs to achieve happiness and reconnecting with your childhood to do so. Bradshaw adds some information about how to undergo this process that can supplement Tsabary’s advice and help you more effectively support yourself.

For example, before you move on from identifying your unmet childhood needs to overcoming your negative voice, Bradshaw says there’s more work to be done. You must take time to grieve those unmet needs from your childhood so you can move on. To do so, you need external support from someone like a therapist or friend. To process the grief, you’ll also need the following: 1) validation that your trauma (unfulfilled needs) was real, 2) support, 3) an emotional expression of trauma-related feelings like anger or sadness, and 4) corrective experiences that fulfill the unmet childhood need.

Bradshaw also reiterates the importance of overcoming your negative voice by identifying and learning how to de-escalate and replace it—but this doesn’t mean you’re done yet. Once you’ve done this, Bradshaw says you must work on reconnecting with and accepting your authentic self. You can do so by building an imaginary room in your mind that’s decorated with everything that describes who you are as a person (instruments, books, and so on), and that houses every version of you that has existed. Accept and love all these versions of yourself.