Getting defensive is one of the fastest ways to derail a conversation. When you feel criticized or attacked, your instinct is to protect yourself rather than understand the other person. You stop listening. You start arguing. The discussion goes nowhere.
Fortunately, you can break this pattern with insights and techniques from Jefferson Fisher and the authors of Crucial Conversations. Read on to learn what defensiveness is and why it happens, how to stop being defensive, and how to avoid triggering defensiveness in others.
Table of Contents
What Defensiveness Is
In The Next Conversation, Jefferson Fisher writes that we become defensive when we feel someone is criticizing or attacking us, which prevents us from connecting with them. When we get defensive, we stop listening and focus on protecting ourselves instead of trying to understand the other person. For example, if someone says, “You never help out with chores,” we might snap back with, “That’s not true! I took out the trash yesterday!” instead of hearing their frustration.
Why We Get Defensive
The authors of Crucial Conversations argue that defensiveness stems from a lack of safety in the conversation. You can’t have constructive dialogue when people don’t feel safe because they start acting in unproductive ways and stop contributing their information to the shared pool.
Most people focus only on content (what’s being discussed), but conditions (how people are responding) matter just as much. When conditions are safe, people can hear almost anything without becoming defensive. When conditions feel unsafe, people become defensive regardless of what you say.
The key insight is that people trust feedback when they believe you have their best interests in mind. When safety is missing, even compliments seem suspicious (“What do you mean I look good?”). People rarely become defensive because of what you’re saying—only when they don’t feel safe.
How We Justify Our Defensiveness
The authors of Crucial Conversations contend that our stories serve an important part of the conversation process. We tell ourselves stories that either motivate constructive behavior (accurate stories) or justify problematic behavior (clever stories). Clever stories help us feel good about acting badly. They often start with a sellout—when we consciously act against what we know is right.
Three Types of Clever Stories
Victim stories position you as innocent while ignoring your role in the problem. You focus entirely on what someone else did to you. For example, you might complain that your boss unfairly removed you from a project, conveniently ignoring that you didn’t communicate you were behind schedule, leaving her in the lurch.
Villain stories exaggerate others’ guilt while overstating your innocence. You use labels to dehumanize others, making it easier to justify attacking them. For instance, you might call a quality-focused boss a control freak who likes making employees miserable instead of acknowledging your own mistakes. Victim and villain stories reflect a double standard: When you make a mistake, you’re a victim; when others make mistakes, they’re villains.
Helpless stories convince you that you have no good options, justifying your inaction or poor choices. These stories often grow from villain stories and present false choices—you can either be honest and ruin the relationship OR stay silent and suffer. For example, you say, “I have to yell or he won’t listen” or “I can’t give her feedback because control freaks can’t handle it.”
Why We Tell Clever Stories
We tell clever stories because we want to avoid responsibility, we can’t admit we’re wrong, or we need to justify actions that violate our own values. Sometimes we really are innocent victims or genuinely can’t change a situation. But often we’re crafting clever stories to excuse ourselves from responsibility even though we’re partially at fault.
How to Stop Being Defensive Yourself
Jefferson Fisher offers a simple but powerful technique: Take a deep breath, and ask yourself if you really need to defend yourself. You don’t have to respond to every challenging comment thrown your way. Sometimes, staying quiet helps the conversation move forward better than arguing back.
(Shortform note: In Verbal Judo, George Thompson recommends adopting an attitude of disinterest as a way to handle personal attacks. When someone hurls insults or criticism your way, treat their words like a physical attack in judo and dodge them. Thompson urges you to recognize that hurtful comments usually come from someone’s frustration, anger, or fear rather than their true feelings about you. This allows you to remain disinterested, which prevents the conversation from spiraling into a cycle of hurtful comments that could do permanent damage to your relationship.)
The authors of Crucial Conversations add that, when you get upset about something and start blaming others, stop and ask yourself how you contributed to the situation. Challenge your clever stories by examining your own role in the problem.
How to Keep Others From Getting Defensive
Just as you can learn to manage your own defensiveness, you can also take steps to prevent triggering defensiveness in others. The key is creating an environment where people feel safe enough to hear what you’re saying without going into protective mode.
Maintain Safety in the Conversation
Start by watching for warning signs: notice when conversations become crucial, look for people moving toward silence or aggression, and monitor your own stress responses. The authors of Crucial Conversations explain that it’s easy to get caught up in the content and care so much about the subject that you don’t notice what’s happening to the dialogue, which can quickly become unproductive.
When tensions rise, adapt your approach based on what’s happening. If others misunderstand you, use contrasting—explain what you DON’T mean, then what you DO mean. For example, “I’m not saying you’re irresponsible—I’m concerned about this specific deadline.” If others won’t share their views, listen more intently and actively invite opposing views, especially after you’ve shared strong opinions.
Use “I” Statements & Avoid “Why” Questions
Fisher recommends starting sentences with “I” instead of “you.” This prevents the other person from feeling attacked. He also warns against starting questions with “why,” since these questions often make people feel as though you’re questioning their judgment or blaming them for doing something wrong, which triggers their need to defend themselves.
(Shortform note: When using “I” statements, be careful you don’t include a hidden “you” message. Many people accidentally slip blame or labels into their “I” messages, such as saying, “I feel frustrated when you’re lazy.” This carries judgment and criticism, which defeats the purpose of using an “I” statement. Instead, focus on describing specific behaviors without assigning blame, such as “I feel frustrated when trash piles up in the house.”)
Show Understanding Before Disagreeing
Fisher also advises showing that you understand the other person’s point before sharing your own thoughts. This way, you demonstrate respect for the other person’s position, even if you disagree with it. This acknowledgment creates safety and makes the other person more receptive to hearing a different perspective.
Share Both Facts & Conclusions—Carefully
Sometimes you need to share potentially upsetting conclusions, not just facts. If you tell an employee “I noticed you had company software in your briefcase,” they might not understand the implications. You need to add your conclusion: “This may be a policy violation.”
When sharing difficult conclusions, you must take the risk even though others may get defensive. If you’ve examined the facts objectively, be confident that your conclusion deserves to be heard. However, be selective—don’t dump all your negative conclusions at once. Revise your villain story first so you can start in a less threatening way. Instead of “I oppose your recommendation,” try “My first reaction was opposition, but I realize I need to know more.”
As you share your story, watch for signs that others are feeling threatened. If people get defensive, use contrasting to restore safety while maintaining your message. Don’t minimize what you’re saying just to keep the peace—be confident enough to speak your mind while remaining alert to the conditions of the conversation.
Explore Further
To better understand defensiveness in the context of communication, read Shortform’s full guides to the books where these ideas come from:
- Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
- The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher
