Every aspect of our lives is shaped by communication. Lawyer and author Jefferson Fisher believes that mastering this skill isn’t just about exchanging information; it’s about creating meaningful connections that ripple outward into our relationships and communities.
In The Next Conversation, Fisher offers three essential communication tools: connection, preparation, and assertiveness. You can learn how to truly listen without judgment, structure difficult conversations for success, and speak with confidence that commands respect. Keep reading to dig into these strategies that will change how you interact with others.
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Jefferson Fisher’s Tools for Effective Communication
According to Jefferson Fisher, communication helps us express ourselves clearly—and every conversation creates a ripple effect. In every interaction, the words we say and how we say them affect how people feel, act, and treat others in the future. For example, how you talk to your child about their fears shapes how they’ll handle them and how they respond to others who are afraid. Even casual conversations matter—a kind word to a stranger might brighten their day and inspire them to pass that kindness forward.
(Shortform note: In Conversational Intelligence, Judith Glaser echoes Fisher’s argument about the importance of conversations, arguing that the quality of your conversations directly determines your success in both life and work. This is why she advocates developing conversational intelligence, which means understanding how the human mind works so you can have conversations where people innovate together and focus on community rather than individual agendas.)
Therefore, says Fisher, good communication skills are essential for building healthier relationships and communities. We’ll look at three communication tools that can make you a better communicator: connection, preparation, and assertiveness.
Tool #1: Connection
According to Fisher, effective communication requires prioritizing connection over mere information exchange. This means genuinely understanding the other person’s message and demonstrating that understanding to them. The problem arises when people enter conversations with predetermined expectations, such as wanting the other person to admit fault or provide validation. These expectations shift focus toward a personal agenda rather than active listening, which transforms the conversation into a competition rather than an opportunity for mutual understanding.
Fisher argues that true connection happens when you authentically listen to and comprehend the other person’s perspective, leading to more productive dialogue. Importantly, connection doesn’t require agreement; it simply requires understanding their viewpoint and acknowledging it.
Barriers to Connection
Fisher identifies four main barriers to effective connection and communication:
- Poor self-awareness: We’re unaware of how our body language and expressions appear to others, leading to misinterpretations (e.g., a concentrated frown mistaken for anger).
- Close-mindedness: We dismiss different perspectives without understanding them, preventing connection with those who think differently.
- Lack of self-assurance: We communicate indirectly through avoidant body language and uncertain phrases, preventing others from understanding our true needs and thoughts.
- Over-reliance on technology: Digital communication lacks tone and facial cues, causing frequent misunderstandings. Fisher recommends in-person conversations to overcome these barriers and foster genuine connection.
Tool #2: Preparation
According to Fisher, preparation is an essential tool for effective communication. It entails three key elements: communication goals, discussion topics, and strategies for challenging conversations.
Identify Your Goals and Values
Fisher recommends thinking ahead about how you want to behave during conversations by establishing personal values and setting realistic goals. Realistic goals should focus on what you can control (such as remaining calm and seeking to understand others’ perspectives), rather than unrealistic expectations that others will comply with your wishes, which often leads to disappointment.
Fisher also emphasizes identifying your core values, as they naturally shape how you listen, respond, and interact with others, while making decision-making easier during difficult exchanges. For instance, if kindness is your primary value, you’ll instinctively choose compassionate language even when frustrated. To uncover your values, Fisher suggests asking trusted friends and family about your character traits or reflecting on past situations where you felt proud of your communication, considering which values influenced your behavior in those moments.
Decide What You’ll Talk About
Fisher argues that, without structure, conversations lose focus, run long, and leave people confused and frustrated. He offers the following approach to focused conversations.
Before the conversation:
- Define its purpose and scope in advance.
- Ensure everyone knows why they’re meeting, what’s being discussed, and the expected outcome.
During the conversation:
- Focus on one main issue at a time.
- State your desired outcome or how you want both parties to feel.
- Get agreement from the other person to proceed.
When off-track:
- Use keywords from the original topic to redirect.
- Acknowledge the other person’s points.
- Politely steer back to the main topic.
- Offer to address side issues later.
Prepare to Talk About Hard Things
When you need to have a sensitive conversation, Fisher contends that proper preparation is essential. First, schedule a specific time and place for the discussion by asking the other person about their availability and selecting a private, distraction-free location. Avoid catching them off-guard or attempting to have the conversation while rushed between other commitments. Allowing both people time to mentally prepare results in a more productive exchange.
Once the conversation begins, be direct in your approach. Fisher recommends that you start by acknowledging that the discussion will be difficult, then immediately address your main point. Avoid small talk at the beginning, as this can seem insincere, and don’t hint around the issue, which only creates anxiety and erodes trust. By being clear and straightforward, you demonstrate respect for the other person’s dignity and emotional intelligence, while also helping them process information and respond more effectively.
According to Fisher, it’s equally important to be prepared when others initiate difficult conversations with you. When someone approaches you first about a challenging topic, show appreciation for their willingness to come to you. Listen attentively without immediately relating the situation to your own experiences, and ask thoughtful questions to better understand their perspective. How you handle these moments when others share sensitive information with you will directly impact whether they feel comfortable trusting you with such matters in the future.
Tool #3: Assertiveness
Fisher’s third recommended communication tool is speaking assertively, which directly builds confidence. This confidence enables you to take action despite fear, acknowledge mistakes, and grow from them.
To develop assertive speech and strengthen confidence, Fisher identifies three detrimental habits to eliminate:
Qualifiers: These unnecessary words diminish the impact of your message. Examples include “maybe,” “just,” “kind of,” and excessive apologies. Fisher suggests reframing language to sound more confident—for instance, replacing “Sorry for the inconvenience” with “Thank you for your understanding” maintains politeness while projecting greater assurance.
Filler words: Common verbal crutches such as “um,” “like,” and “you know” are used to fill conversational pauses. However, brief pauses actually convey more professionalism and confidence. People tend to show greater respect and attentiveness toward those who speak less frequently but more deliberately.
Upspeak: This vocal pattern involves raising your voice at the end of sentences, transforming statements into question-like utterances. Upspeak undermines confidence by making you appear uncertain. Fisher recommends maintaining a steady vocal tone or allowing a slight downward inflection at sentence endings instead.
Assert Boundaries
According to Fisher, effective communication requires asserting personal boundaries—rules that protect important aspects of your life. When establishing these boundaries with others, unambiguously communicate your expectations:
- Establish the boundary using an “I” statement. Example: “I don’t take work calls after 6 p.m. because that’s my family time.”
- Explain the consequences. Example: “If you call me after 6 p.m., I won’t answer and will return your call the next business day.”
- Follow through consistently. Example: If a colleague calls at 8 p.m., don’t answer and instead return the call the next morning as promised.
Fisher argues that people who genuinely care about you will respect your boundaries. But it’s important to exercise moderation; setting too many boundaries can harm relationships and become a way to shirk responsibilities. The key is to establish boundaries only for truly important matters while remaining flexible about less significant issues.
Learn to Say No
Learning to say no is an essential skill for managing your time and energy effectively. According to Fisher, saying no allows you to make choices based on your own priorities rather than others’ expectations, helping you take control of your life. In his book, he offers a three-step process for declining requests:
- Start with a clear “no.”
- Express gratitude.
- End with something positive.
For example, if a friend invites you to a social event on a weekend when you need time to rest and recharge, you might say, “No, I won’t be able to make it. Thanks so much for thinking of me and including me in your plans. I hope you have a wonderful time!”
Important points to remember:
- You don’t need to apologize or provide lengthy explanations for your decision.
- Most concerns about disappointing others are exaggerated.
- If someone persists in asking for reasons, simply repeat your answer without elaborating.
Further Explore Fisher’s Communication Advice
To dig deeper into Jefferson Fisher’s communication tips, including how to argue in a healthy way, read Shortform’s full guide to The Next Conversation.
