You can argue without flying off the handle and just making things worse. Staying calm during conflict isn’t just about managing your emotions in the moment; it’s about recognizing that you have more control than you think.
Keep reading to discover how to transform tense confrontations into opportunities for deeper connection and mutual respect, with strategies from attorney Jefferson Fisher.
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How to Remain Calm in an Argument
When you lose your cool in an argument, it could very well be that you’re focused on winning rather than connecting. In his book The Next Conversation, Jefferson Fisher shares advice for how to stay calm in an argument, and he starts with where your head should be. He contends that you should focus on connecting with the other person instead of trying to prove a point. He explains that trying to prove a point often damages relationships, creates resentment, and rarely changes anyone’s mind.
So, when someone disagrees with you, let go of the need to be right. Instead, try to view arguments as an opportunity to better understand the other person’s worldview. People who seem angry or unreasonable are often dealing with problems or emotions you don’t know about. For example, a coworker who snaps at you about a minor mistake might be worrying about losing their job. When you can look past someone’s difficult behavior and understand their deeper concerns, you can respond with empathy instead of anger, allowing you to defuse tensions and build stronger relationships.
| The Morality of Connection In addition to Fisher’s perspective, there are other good reasons to connect with people you’re in conflict with. In How to Know a Person, David Brooks argues that making an effort to understand another person is both a moral responsibility and a prerequisite for building a healthier society. He explains that how you treat people in everyday moments reveals your true character. When you take time to understand what someone is going through—not just what they’re thinking but why they’re struggling—you shape who you are as a person. To better understand the person’s worldview, consider how their culture and personal history shape their perspective. Brooks suggests asking people directly how their background has influenced them, since everyone has a unique relationship with where they come from. When you make the effort to see past someone’s surface behavior, you develop the empathy needed to respond with compassion rather than judgment. This kind of understanding helps repair the divisions that create loneliness, distrust, and hostility in our communities. |
Let’s get into specific strategies Fisher provides for staying calm before and during an argument.
Before the Argument Escalates
Fisher suggests three tips for composing yourself in the moments right before an argument escalates.
1. Breathe before you speak. When you sense tension building, take a slow breath through your nose. Before you exhale, take an extra sip of air and then breathe out for twice as long. This calms your body’s stress response and gives you time to think instead of reacting instinctively.
(Shortform note: In The Oxygen Advantage, Patrick McKeown explains that breathing slowly through your nose fully flexes your diaphragm, which activates your parasympathetic nervous system— a network of nerves that causes you to relax in safe environments and takes you out of fight-or-flight mode. In contrast, when you breathe through your mouth, you breathe with your chest rather than your diaphragm, so you don’t experience the same benefits.)
2. Check in with your body. Briefly close your eyes and search for areas of tension in your body. Then, name what you’re feeling and tell the other person—for example, you might say, “I can tell I’m feeling a little impatient.” When you share your feelings openly, it reduces tension and helps others understand where you’re coming from.
(Shortform note: Naming your emotions is known as affect labeling. According to psychologists, naming your emotions helps regulate them by reducing activity in the amygdala (your brain’s alarm system) while increasing activity in the prefrontal cortex (the brain region responsible for cognitive control). Studies show the power of this method: People with spider phobias who labeled their fear were able to move closer to tarantulas than those who tried other coping strategies, and students who wrote about test anxiety before exams performed better than those who didn’t.)
3. Create a mantra. Choose a short phrase that reminds you how to act during conflict—ideally, something that matches your goal for the conversation. For example, if your goal is staying calm, your mantra might be “slow and steady” to keep yourself on track.
(Shortform note: Mantras tend to work better if you use positive words, such as saying “I stay calm,” rather than “Don’t get defensive.” That way, your focus is on the word “calm,” and the word “defensive” doesn’t slip into your subconscious.)
During the Argument
Fisher says that, during arguments, you can stay calm by inserting strategic pauses into your conversation. He explains that, when we argue, we often talk too fast because we feel upset or nervous. This makes us say things we don’t mean or speak in ways that make the argument worse.
(Shortform note: Why do silences make us uncomfortable? Researchers explain that silences trigger anxiety because they threaten our evolutionary need to belong to a group. When conversations flow smoothly, we feel more connected to others. But when silence disrupts this flow, our brains immediately sense something’s wrong and flood us with negative emotions like rejection and exclusion. Therefore, we rush to fill silences with words to restore the sense of connection and belonging that keeps us feeling safe and accepted.)
Fisher writes that, when you take pauses, you give yourself time to reflect on your response, notice what’s happening, and regulate your emotions. Pauses also demonstrate authority and composure. There are two types of pauses you can use:
- Short pauses (one to four seconds): Use these brief pauses to emphasize your points and sound more confident and thoughtful.
- Long pauses (five to 10 seconds): Use these longer silences when someone says something rude or inappropriate. It often makes the other person reflect on their own words and realize what they said was wrong.
(Shortform note: Despite Fisher’s assertion that pauses can help you appear more thoughtful, they might also make you seem less trustworthy when you’re asked a question. According to studies, when people take longer to respond, others tend to view their answers as less sincere. This skepticism toward delayed responses comes from our natural assumptions about thinking time. People often believe that slower responses indicate someone is either making up a story or trying to suppress the truth.)
| Staying Calm in Crucial Conversations Fisher’s pause technique becomes even more powerful when you understand how emotions actually work. According to the authors of Crucial Conversations, there’s a major step between what triggers us and how we feel: the story we tell ourselves about what happened. When someone cuts you off mid-sentence, you might tell yourself, “They don’t respect me,” which creates anger. But you could also tell yourself, “They must be really stressed about something,” which creates empathy. By pausing, you give yourself time to choose a different story—and therefore a different emotional response. |
Further Explore Healthy Arguments
To understand how to stay calm in an argument in the broader context of healthy conflict, read Shortform’s full guide to Fisher’s book The Next Conversation.
