How to Have Healthy Arguments: A Guide to Fighting Better

Arguments are inevitable in any close relationship—but they don’t have to be destructive. The difference between arguments that damage relationships and those that strengthen them isn’t whether you disagree, but how you disagree.

Keep reading to learn how to have healthy arguments, with insights and strategies from attorney Jefferson Fisher, relationship researcher John Gottman, psychiatrist Amir Levine, and psychologists Rachel Heller and Daniel Goleman.

Understand What Happens During Arguments

The first step in learning how to have healthy conflict is to understand how arguments work. In The Next Conversation, Jefferson Fisher contends that arguments follow a predictable two-stage pattern: escalation and cool-down.

The escalation stage occurs when an argument intensifies. During this phase, your body perceives the argument as a threat, triggering a fight-or-flight response. This leads to the release of adrenaline, increased heart rate, and impaired rational thinking. Consequently, you might become defensive, raise your voice, or make personal attacks.

The cool-down stage represents the second phase. Cool-down occurs when someone disengages, when both parties reach a standstill, or when you achieve mutual understanding. During this stage, you experience emotional and physical exhaustion as your body returns to normal—heart rate decreases, breathing stabilizes, and your ability to think rationally returns.

What Triggers Arguments to Escalate

Fisher identifies two types of triggers that cause arguments to escalate:

Physical triggers entail threats to your body—such as someone invading your personal space, shouting, or making aggressive movements.

Psychological triggers entail threats to your identity and relationships, including fear of rejection, challenges to your competence, or concerns about losing important connections.

Recognizing these triggers serves two important purposes. First, it allows you to become aware of your own emotional responses before they escalate. Second, it helps you understand when you’ve triggered someone else’s reaction, enabling a more empathetic response rather than a defensive one.

Fisher suggests that people who appear angry or unreasonable are often struggling with underlying issues or emotions that aren’t immediately visible. For instance, a colleague who reacts harshly to a small error might actually be anxious about job security. By looking beyond someone’s difficult behavior to grasp their real concerns, you can respond with empathy rather than defensiveness, which helps reduce conflict and strengthen relationships.

The Phenomenon of Flooding

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, relationship researcher John Gottman and coauthor Nan Silver explain that conflicts can destroy relationships if they induce regular flooding—a psychological phenomenon in which one partner feels so emotionally stressed that they’re unable to respond rationally to their spouse.

Gottman and Silver name four damaging patterns of behavior that heighten the risk of flooding:

1. Criticism – Attacking someone’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior
2. Contempt – Expressing disrespect, disgust, or superiority toward your partner
3. Defensiveness – Making excuses or refusing to take responsibility
4. Stonewalling – Shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation

These patterns lead spouses to emotionally detach from one another, which can ultimately destroy the relationship.

Gender Differences in Conflict

Not everyone approaches conflict the same way. In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman points out that men and women often have different conflict patterns, though these are generalizations that don’t apply to everyone.

Men tend to avoid conflict and may need reminding that when their partner brings up a complaint or disagreement, it might be an act of love—an attempt to improve the relationship. Anger or discontent with an action is not necessarily a personal attack.

Women are more likely to raise issues but may benefit from avoiding character criticism. Instead, identify the specific action and why it’s emotionally distressing, and put any complaints into a larger context of love and desire to improve the relationship.

Before the Argument: Prevention & Preparation

The best time to improve how you handle conflict is before you’re in the middle of one. Let’s look at three preparation strategies that can help you create a foundation that makes difficult moments much easier to navigate.

Have Meta-Conversations About Conflict

In Eight Dates, John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams recommend having a dedicated conversation about how you and your partner manage disagreements. They explain that, to resolve disagreements effectively, you must approach each one as an opportunity to increase your understanding of the other person—not as an opportunity to win.

Use the following questions to guide your conversation:

• What did you learn about conflict or managing conflict growing up? How have you navigated conflict in the past?
• What are your beliefs about anger? What do you need when you’re feeling angry?
• How would you like to manage conflict differently in the future?

Having these conversations when emotions aren’t running high creates a foundation of mutual understanding that will serve you well when disagreements inevitably arise.

Start Conversations Well

Gottman and Silver suggest that, if you begin a conversation negatively, you’re more likely to induce a negative response from your partner—which increases the likelihood of flooding. Instead, begin the conversation calmly.

First, describe your emotions about the issue. Avoid making accusatory statements that begin with “you,” generalizing the issue, or passing immediate judgment.

Second, express your desires (not what you don’t desire) to your partner.

For example, if you’re upset because your partner is on their phone during dinner, don’t say, “I can’t believe you’re on your phone! You never make time for me.” Instead, say, “I’m really upset that you’re on your phone during dinner. I’d like to spend time with you when we’re both focused solely on each other.”

Understand Your Attachment Style

In Attached, psychiatrist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller explain that your attachment style—the way you relate to intimacy and closeness—significantly impacts how you handle conflict. Secure attachers generally have healthy and comfortable relationships with intimacy and handle conflict most effectively.

The good news is that, even if you’re an insecure attacher, you can gradually develop a more secure attachment style by repeatedly behaving like a secure person—and the more secure your attachment style, the healthier your conflict patterns become.

During the Argument: In-the-Moment Strategies

Once an argument has begun, you’ll need a different set of tools—ones you can use in real-time to prevent escalation and promote understanding. Let’s look at how to maintain your composure when emotions run high.

Manage Yourself

When an argument begins to escalate, your first responsibility is to manage your own emotional state. The experts recommend several strategies for maintaining composure.

Practice Controlled Breathing

Fisher recommends inhaling slowly through your nose, taking an additional small breath, and exhaling for twice the duration of your inhale. This technique helps regulate your stress response and allows time for thoughtful responses rather than impulsive reactions.

Perform a Quick Body Scan

Fisher suggests you close your eyes momentarily to identify where you’re holding tension, then verbally acknowledge and share those feelings with the other person. This helps decrease tension and promotes mutual understanding.

For example: “I notice my shoulders are really tense right now, and I’m feeling defensive. I want to hear what you’re saying, so give me a moment.”

Develop a Personal Mantra

Fisher also recommends that you create a brief phrase aligned with your conversational objective that serves as a reminder of how you want to conduct yourself during the conflict. If your aim is to remain calm, you might use “slow and steady.” If you want to prioritize understanding, try “listen first, respond second.”

Use Strategic Pauses

According to Fisher, strategic pauses are an effective tool for maintaining composure during arguments. When people argue, they tend to speak too quickly due to feeling upset or nervous, which often leads to saying things they regret or escalating the conflict.

Fisher identifies two types of pauses:

• Short pauses (1-4 seconds) help emphasize points and convey thoughtfulness.
• Long pauses (5-10 seconds) are particularly useful when someone makes a rude or inappropriate comment, as the extended silence often prompts the other person to reflect on and recognize the inappropriateness of their words.

Recognize and Address Flooding

Pay attention to your emotional and physical state during arguments. If you feel as though you’re about to blow up on your partner or your heart rate rises dramatically, you’re likely flooded. If so, Gottman and Silver recommend taking a 20-minute break to calm yourself. Do something that prevents you from ruminating on your argument—physical exercise or meditation work well.

Once you’ve calmed yourself, try calming your partner. If you regularly calm your partner, your partner will connect your presence with a reduction in stress rather than an increase in stress, which will naturally improve your relationship.

This does not mean telling your partner to “calm down” mid-argument; this will only anger them further. Instead, pick a time when you’re not fighting to brainstorm ways to relax each other. Then, after your break, do the thing you’ve discussed—giving each other massages is a popular relaxation technique.

Challenge Toxic Thoughts

When we’re upset, Goleman writes that it’s easy to get swept away by absolutes that keep us angry: “He doesn’t care about anyone else but himself; he’s always so selfish.” If you find yourself thinking these thoughts, try challenging them directly. For example, intentionally remind yourself of all the thoughtful things he’s done for you. This can help balance your emotional response and bring your focus back to the specific action that’s upset you, instead of being upset at the person.

Communicate Effectively

Once you’ve managed your own emotional state, you can focus on communicating in ways that promote understanding rather than escalation.

Use the XYZ Formula

Goleman offers a simple formula for expressing complaints: X is the action, Y is how it made you feel, and Z is what you prefer they do next time.

“When you forgot to put gas in my car, it made me feel like you didn’t care about me. Next time you could do it first thing when you take my car, or at least let me know before I get home that you forgot.”

This formula keeps the focus on specific behaviors and their impact rather than character attacks.

Use “I” Statements

Fisher recommends using “I” statements rather than “you” accusations. “I feel hurt when plans change at the last minute” is more effective than “You always cancel on me.”

Similarly, avoid “why” questions that tend to make people feel judged or blamed. “Why did you do that?” often feels like an attack, while “Can you help me understand what happened?” invites explanation.

Stick to One Topic

Sometimes arguments about one thing turn into screaming matches about all the wrongs anyone has ever committed. Goleman suggests you keep the discussion focused. This will help avoid personal attacks and resolve concrete issues.

Give Each Person a Chance to Explain

According to Goleman, you should give each person a chance to explain their perspective at the beginning of the conversation. This will help resolve any fundamental misunderstandings right away before the argument has a chance to take hold. At the very least, it will give each person a chance to understand the other person’s point of view, which will make it more productive to continue discussing the issue.

Show Your Partner You’re Listening

Goleman explains that most people in the throes of emotional distress just want to be heard and understood. Empathy is an excellent reducer of tension. You can repeat the other person’s feelings back to them in your own words to confirm you understand them correctly. If you’ve misunderstood their feelings, you can try again until you get it right.

Validate Your Partner

Goleman recommends that you articulate to your partner that you can see things from their point of view and that their perspective is valid, even if you don’t agree with it yourself. You can even simply acknowledge their emotions if you don’t necessarily agree with their argument: “I see I hurt your feelings.”

Acknowledging someone’s perspective before presenting your own view helps minimize defensiveness and keeps the dialogue open.

Fight Like a Secure Attacher

Levine and Heller explain that fighting like a secure attacher teaches you how to clearly and effectively communicate your needs. Even if you’re an insecure attacher, you can gradually develop a more secure attachment style by repeatedly behaving like a secure person.

Secure attachers use these strategies during conflicts:

1. Show genuine concern for the other person’s feelings. Remember that a disagreement between partners isn’t a zero-sum game where one person wins and the other loses. Your happiness and your partner’s happiness are tied up together, so when both partners feel validated, both partners win.

2. Keep the argument centered on the present issue. Don’t get sidetracked or expand the argument to include other issues. Avoid a full-blown venting session, and just address one conflict at a time.

3. Be willing to take part in the discussion. Don’t disengage or withdraw. Both partners need to be willing to address the issue head-on so that it can be resolved in a mutually satisfactory way, even if it means some arguing along the way.

4. Openly communicate your needs and feelings. No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, you can’t expect them to be a mind reader. Tell them what you need and want clearly and directly.

Handle Difficult Behaviors From Others

Even when you approach conversations with composure, the other person might not respond well. They might use insults, give poor apologies, interrupt you, or act defensively. Here’s how to handle each of these challenges.

Verbal Attacks

When dealing with insults or rude behavior, Fisher advises staying calm rather than reacting emotionally, as aggressors seek power through your upset response. He recommends three strategies:

Pause silently, denying them the reaction they want and making them reconsider their words.

Request repetition, making them uncomfortable by having to repeat their insult. Simply say, “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Question their intent, asking if they meant to hurt you, which prompts self-reflection and often results in an apology. “Did you mean that the way it sounded?”

The key is not giving them the satisfaction of an emotional response.

Poor Apologies

Fisher writes that people often give insincere apologies to avoid taking responsibility. They say things such as, “Sorry if you’re upset,” or make excuses for their behavior.

When someone gives a poor apology, redirect the focus back to what they did wrong and get them to take responsibility. Point out that you need an apology for their actions, not an apology for your reaction to them or for the reason they acted that way.

(Shortform note: Research supports why vague “sorry if you’re upset” statements fall flat—they deliberately skip the most vital component of a genuine apology: accepting responsibility for one’s actions. The other components of effective apologies are: showing regret, offering an explanation, acknowledging responsibility, showing remorse, sharing a plan to fix the issue, and requesting forgiveness.)

Sometimes people use self-deprecation as another way to avoid responsibility. If they say things such as “I’m such a terrible person” to make you comfort them instead of dealing with what they did, simply tell them you’re willing to accept an apology.

(Shortform note: Psychologists point out that self-deprecation isn’t always used as a manipulation tactic. Instead, we more commonly self-deprecate as a defense mechanism against failure or embarrassment. By pointing out our flaws first, we try to control how others see us and lower their expectations. Experts advise responding to self-deprecation with support or reassurance. However, people can take advantage of this caring response, as Fisher notes, so consider whether someone is using self-deprecation to avoid apologizing before offering support.)

Interruptions

Fisher writes that constant interruptions prevent real communication and signal disrespect. People interrupt for various reasons. They might want to take control of the conversation, or they might simply be reacting emotionally. Whatever the reason, if someone keeps interrupting you, consider responding with these three steps:

1. Let the first interruption slide. This shows maturity and gives the other person a chance to express their impulsive thoughts. After they finish, return to exactly where you left off without addressing their comment.

2. If they interrupt again, use their name. Saying someone’s name catches their attention and signals that you’ve noticed the pattern.

3. If they keep interrupting, set a clear boundary with “I” statements. For example, you might say, “I would like to finish my thought before responding to yours.” This lets you maintain respect while establishing that you expect to complete your thoughts. Most people will stop interrupting once you make this boundary clear.

Defensiveness

Fisher explains that defensiveness arises when we perceive criticism or attack, creating a barrier to genuine connection. Instead of listening to understand, defensive people shift into self-protection mode, responding to complaints with immediate rebuttals rather than acknowledging the other person’s underlying concerns.

To manage your own defensiveness, pause to consider whether you truly need to defend yourself. Note that silence can sometimes be more productive than argumentation. When we feel attacked, we go on the defensive, which often looks like making excuses, refusing to take responsibility, or attacking with our own criticisms. If you find yourself getting defensive, remind yourself that what feels like an attack is really just your partner having strong feelings about this issue.

When communicating with others, you can minimize their defensiveness by acknowledging their perspective before presenting your own view, using “I” statements rather than “you” accusations, and avoiding “why” questions that tend to make people feel judged or blamed.

Take Responsibility & Apologize

If you have the self-awareness to admit that you did something wrong, admit it to your partner. A simple and honest apology can go a long way to smoothing over the worst disputes.

Goleman asserts that taking responsibility isn’t about accepting blame for things you didn’t do; it’s about owning your contribution to the conflict, even if that contribution is small compared to the other person’s.

Agree on a Time-Out System

Goleman advises that both partners should be able to call a time-out and cool off if they need to, but this needs to be discussed when emotions aren’t high so it can be used in times of need. Agree on a phrase or method of calling the time-out that both partners will recognize, and then actually use the cooling off time to cool off—not to rehearse your next attack.

After the Argument: Follow Up

Fisher writes that difficult conversations rarely end with one discussion. When you have a hard conversation with someone, the first talk often stirs up strong emotions. People may say things they don’t mean or struggle to express their true feelings—this is normal.

Instead of trying to resolve everything at once, you should plan for follow-up conversations. Follow-up conversations help in several ways: First, they happen after emotions have cooled down, so people can think more clearly. Second, they give everyone time to reflect on what was said. Lastly, they create space for people to correct misunderstandings or apologize for harsh words.

Fisher points out that relationships grow through many conversations over time, not through one perfect discussion. By accepting that difficult topics need multiple talks for people to resolve, we take the pressure off ourselves and create more chances for understanding.

Explore Further

To understand how to have healthy arguments in the broader context of communication and relationships, read Shortform’s full guides to the books referenced in this article:

• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• Eight Dates by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams
• Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
• The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver

Quick Reference Guide

Three steps when someone interrupts you:

1. Let the first interruption slide.
2. Use their name if they interrupt again.
3. Set a clear boundary with “I” statements.

The XYZ formula for complaints:

• X = The specific action
• Y = How it made you feel
• Z = What you’d prefer next time

Signs you’re flooded:

• Feeling like you’re about to “blow up”
• Dramatically increased heart rate
• Inability to think clearly
• Solution: Take a 20-minute break.

Four ways to fight like a secure attacher:

1. Show genuine concern for the other person’s feelings.
2. Keep the argument centered on the present issue.
3. Be willing to take part in the discussion.
4. Openly communicate your needs and feelings.

Three healthy responses to verbal attacks:

1. Pause silently.
2. Request repetition.
3. Kindly question their intent.