Setting boundaries protects what matters most to you. But knowing you have boundaries and actually communicating them effectively are two different things. Many of us struggle to say no, fall into passive-aggressive patterns, or avoid the conversation altogether.
The good news? Boundary-setting is a learnable skill. Keep reading to discover how to communicate boundaries clearly, master the art of saying no, and avoid the communication mistakes that damage relationships.
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How to Communicate Boundaries
In The Next Conversation, Jefferson Fisher explains that boundaries are personal rules that protect things that matter to you—for instance, your time, your family, or your emotional health. It’s not enough to identify boundaries in your own mind; you must articulate them, clearly telling others what you expect. Fisher provides three-step advice on how to communicate boundaries:
1. Establish the boundary using an “I” statement. For example, “I don’t take work calls after 6 p.m. because that’s my family time.”
2. Explain the consequences of crossing the boundary. Use conditional language—for example, “If you call me after 6 p.m., I won’t answer and will return your call the next business day.”
3. Follow through on the stated consequence. For example, if a colleague calls at 8 p.m., don’t pick up the phone. Instead, call back in the morning as you said you would.
Fisher writes that people who truly care will respect your boundaries. However, be careful not to create too many, which can damage relationships and allow you to avoid responsibilities. Set boundaries only for things that really matter, and stay flexible about less important things.
Learn to Say No
Part of boundary setting is learning to say no. Fisher explains that saying no is a skill that helps you take control of your time and energy. It lets you make choices based on what you want, not what others expect from you.
Fisher suggests a three-step process to turn down requests: Start with a clear “no,” express gratitude, and then end by saying something positive. For example, if a coworker asks you to take on an extra project when you’re already busy, you might say, “No, I can’t take on another project right now. I appreciate you considering me for this opportunity. Best of luck with the project!”
Fisher says that you don’t need to apologize or explain why you’re declining. Most of our worries about disappointing others are overblown—if someone keeps pushing for reasons, just repeat your answer without adding details.
| Why Saying No Is Hard—And Additional Tips to Master It According to Greg McKeown in Essentialism, our reluctance to decline requests runs much deeper than we realize. He explains that humans evolved to cooperate and conform because these traits helped our ancestors survive in groups. This means that when you feel uncomfortable turning someone down, you’re fighting thousands of years of evolutionary programming that tells you to get along with others. To make saying no easier, consider the following tips: 1. Remember you’re rejecting the request, not the person. Separating the decision from the relationship helps you communicate more kindly while staying firm. 2. Think about what you’d give up by saying yes. McKeown explains that remembering the trade-off makes declining easier—every yes to one thing means saying no to something else. 3. View requests as transactions. The other person is essentially selling you something (a cause, opportunity, or social event) in exchange for your time, which helps you evaluate whether it’s worth “buying.” 4. Accept temporary unpopularity. While someone might be disappointed initially, McKeown notes they’ll likely respect you more in the long run for valuing your time. |
How Not to Communicate Boundaries
According to Nedra Glover Tawwab in Set Boundaries, Find Peace, many people use passive aggression, aggression, and manipulation when communicating boundaries. Whether or not they realize it, everyone exhibits these behaviors at times—even you. This isn’t because we’re bad, selfish people, but rather because boundary-setting is difficult, especially if you’ve never been taught to do it. However, these common tendencies don’t help us maintain healthy relationships. Because of this, Tawwab recommends that you look out for these patterns and avoid them.
Passive Aggression
As Tawwab describes, passive aggression involves doling out consequences for violations without first taking time to communicate your boundaries. It can be easy to fall into this pattern—when someone does something you don’t like, many people find it natural to sulk or retaliate. However, behaving passive-aggressively usually doesn’t help you get your needs met because the other person won’t know what they’ve done wrong or how to do better until you tell them.
(Shortform note: If you’re struggling to avoid passive-aggression, it may be worth talking to a therapist about it. Mental health professionals note that passive-aggression sometimes presents as a symptom of untreated mental illness. If your passive-aggression is related to mental illness, seeking treatment may make it easier for you to cut down on communicating this way.)
| Avoid Passive Communication In addition to the three negative communication patterns Tawwab outlines, some authors list a fourth negative pattern: passive communication. Passive communicators usually don’t see their own needs as important. Because of this, passive communicators almost never share their needs with others. Instead, they prefer to focus on meeting the needs of others in their relationships. In the long run, passive communication isn’t an effective strategy for building fulfilling relationships. Without knowing how you feel and what you need, the people in your life won’t have the information they need to be good to you, and you deny them the chance to get to know you more intimately. |
Aggression
Aggression is exactly what it sounds like—getting upset and raising your voice, shaming people, and picking fights in response to unwanted behaviors. While aggressive communication can help you get your point across, it will also make others afraid of you and may even make them retreat from the relationship entirely. Because of these damaging effects, Tawwab argues that aggression isn’t an effective tool for maintaining relationships.
(Shortform note: While Tawwab argues that aggression isn’t generally a good communication tool, other authors argue that aggressive communication can be helpful in certain situations. If you’re in a situation that you’re worried might become dangerous, taking aggressive action may help you to exit the situation quickly.)
Manipulation
Finally, manipulation involves using indirect methods to try to get what you want without directly communicating boundaries. Often, Tawwab argues, manipulators try to use guilt to get other people to do what they want. Just like aggression, manipulation makes other people feel fearful and uncomfortable, and it may cause people to resent you or leave relationships with you. Because of this, manipulation ultimately isn’t a very useful communication tool.
(Shortform note: Because manipulators try to control situations subtly and indirectly, it can be difficult to recognize manipulation in your relationships. For instance, in addition to overt behaviors such as bullying and insults, manipulation can include subtle methods, such as a refusal to engage in conflict, as well as “love bombing.” In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft explains that “love bombing” is a pattern of behavior in which a manipulative person offers excessive affection at the beginning of a relationship to win you over. Then, they withhold their affection in an attempt to gain leverage over you. If one of your relationships falls into this pattern, it may be a sign that you’re being manipulated.)
As an example, suppose you’re feeling overburdened at work, and one of your coworkers approaches you to ask if you can handle a challenging project for them. The healthiest option would be to immediately and explicitly state your boundaries, saying something such as “I appreciate that you’re having a difficult time, but I can’t help you with this project.” On the other hand, if you choose to manipulate your coworker instead of directly expressing your boundaries, you might lie and say that you heard management was disappointed in your coworker’s lack of initiative. While this behavior might convince your coworker to finish the project on their own, you’d probably also make your coworker upset, especially if they found out you lied to them.
Explore Communication & Boundaries Further
To better understand the broader context of communication and boundaries, read Shortform’s full guides to the books referenced in this article:
- The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
