Want to make a stronger impression in conversations and feel more confident speaking up? Communicating assertively can transform how people perceive you—and how you perceive yourself. Passive language makes you seem unreliable or incompetent, while assertiveness shows you know what you want. Assertive speech actually builds confidence from the inside out.
Keep reading to learn how to communicate assertively, set boundaries that stick, and say “no” without guilt.
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How to Communicate Assertively
In The Fine Art of Small Talk, Debra Fine recommends you speak assertively as opposed to passively. The words and phrasing you use communicate a lot about your self-image. She argues that, when you use passive language, you imply that you’re unreliable, subservient, or incompetent.
Consider the following dialogue between coworkers April and Jeff:
- April: Hi, Jeff! May I ask you a question? I wanted to ask if you’ll have those client reports for me soon.
- Jeff: I’ll have to check with my boss, but I’ll try to get them to you this week.
There are a few issues here. First, there’s no need for April to ask whether she can ask a question; she comes across as if she’s bowing and scraping. When she does ask her question, it’s vague, and it doesn’t specify the urgency of her need.
By using the phrase “have to,” Jeff implies that April’s request is an imposition that forces him to take on an additional burden. When he says he’ll “try,” he gives the impression that he’s uncertain about his ability to fulfill her request in the timeframe he specifies and implies that he’s making room for himself to wriggle out of the commitment.
Fine argues that communicating assertively gives the impression that you know what you want and need. It also commands attention.
Consider the following dialogue, in which both parties are direct and assertive:
- April: Hi, Jeff! I need those client reports by next weekend. Can I expect them by the end of the week?
- Jeff: I’ll get in touch with my boss and make sure you have them by Friday.
Here, April clearly communicates her need and the timeframe she’s expecting. She gets straight to the point. Jeff, too, is clear about his plan of action, letting April know what he’s doing and when she can expect her request to be fulfilled. Both parties come across as confident professionals who are sure of their needs and capabilities.
| Aggressive, Passive, or Assertive? While Fine discusses the need to communicate assertively, she doesn’t cover why people may be reluctant to do so. Often, people who avoid assertive language and act passively instead do so because they worry it makes them look aggressive—but that’s a misunderstanding. You can be assertive without being aggressive. Psychologists tell us that the difference between being aggressive, passive, or assertive is a matter of whom you put first and how you communicate your needs. An aggressive person puts himself first. He demands and enforces the fulfillment of his own needs and desires, often at the cost of the needs, desires, and boundaries of others. In many cases, an aggressive person uses threats, disrespect, or verbal abuse to get his way. He wants his reports now, and he doesn’t care whose day he ruins to get them. In direct contrast, a passive person puts everyone else first. She allows the needs and desires of others to supersede her own and doesn’t act to protect her boundaries. As a result, she often “ends up” in situations where she’s uncomfortable, unhappy, or unsatisfied. As Fine notes, passive people don’t make a strong impression. They belittle their own views, skills, and knowledge; seek the approval of others; and are constantly apologetic. A passive person would rather give up control over when she gets her reports than step on anyone’s toes. Assertiveness is the middle ground between passiveness and aggressiveness. An assertive person is respectful of both his own needs and those of the other party. He communicates his needs clearly, in whatever way is most effective; he doesn’t scream when it’s inappropriate and doesn’t bow when it’s unnecessary. He sets his own boundaries and defends them without violating the boundaries of others. In short, if he needs those reports by Tuesday, he says so. If there’s a problem preventing that, he’ll adjust—but everyone involved knows what his needs, goals, and expectations are. |
3 Habits That Make You Sound Uncertain
Jefferson Fisher also recommends being assertive when you communicate. In The Next Conversation, he contends that you build your confidence when you act and speak assertively. Confidence is a feeling that comes only from being assertive, allowing you to act even when you’re scared, admit when you’re wrong, and learn from your mistakes.
To speak assertively and build your confidence, avoid these three habits that make you sound uncertain:
Qualifiers: These are unnecessary words that weaken your message, such as “maybe,” “just,” “kind of,” and unnecessary apologies. For example, instead of saying, “Sorry for the inconvenience,” say, “Thank you for your understanding.” This small change makes you sound more confident while still being polite.
Filler words: These are sounds or words we use to fill pauses when speaking, such as “um,” “like,” and “you know.” Fisher writes that a brief pause sounds more professional and confident than filling the space with these words. People often view those who speak less but choose their words carefully with more respect and attention.
Upspeak: This happens when your voice goes up at the end of a sentence, making statements sound like questions. Upspeak makes you sound unsure of yourself. Fisher suggests keeping your voice steady or letting it go slightly down at the end of sentences instead.
| The Double Standard of Speaking Assertively The uncertain speech habits Fisher lists might not be the problem—the issue could also be how society views the person who’s doing the speaking. Linguistic experts argue that society judges women’s speech patterns far more harshly than men’s. For instance, both men and women use upspeak and vocal fry (a creaky voice at the end of sentences), yet society mainly criticizes women for these habits. Men use uptalk just as often as women do, and vocal fry is even considered a sign of hyper-masculinity in the United Kingdom. Also, what sounds unprofessional to one generation sounds perfectly competent to another. Linguistics professor Penny Eckert reports that when she played a recording of someone using vocal fry, her students—who were mainly from a younger generation—thought the speaker sounded professional and authoritative. Therefore, while you can work on speaking more assertively to build confidence, you should also recognize that some criticism of speech patterns reflects gender biases and generational differences rather than actual communication problems. |
How to Assert Boundaries
Fisher explains how to communicate personal boundaries effectively. Boundaries are personal rules that protect important things such as your time, family, and emotional well-being. To set a boundary, you should first state it clearly using “I” statements, such as “I don’t take work calls after 6 p.m.” Next, explain the consequences of crossing that boundary using conditional language, such as “If you call after 6 p.m., I won’t answer.” Finally, you must consistently follow through on the stated consequences.
Fisher contends that people who truly care about you will respect your boundaries. However, it’s important to be selective about setting boundaries. Creating too many can damage relationships and allow you to avoid legitimate responsibilities. You should set boundaries only for things that really matter and remain flexible about less important issues.
Say “No” With Confidence
Fisher discusses the importance of learning to say “no” as a skill for controlling your time and energy. Saying “no” allows you to make choices based on your own wants rather than others’ expectations. He recommends an approach that entails three steps:
- Begin with a clear “No.”
- Express gratitude for being considered.
- End with something positive.
For instance, you might tell a coworker, “No, I can’t take on another project right now. I appreciate you considering me for this opportunity. Best of luck with the project!”
According to Fisher, you don’t need to apologize or provide explanations when declining requests. Most concerns about disappointing others are exaggerated. If someone continues to press for reasons, you should simply repeat your answer without adding additional details or justifications.
Explore Assertive Communication Further
To learn more about speaking assertively in the broader context of effective communication, read Shortform’s guides to the books referenced in this article:
- The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine
- The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher
