Struggling with how to handle your child’s misbehavior without resorting to yelling or harsh punishments? You’re not alone.
This guide draws on expert advice from psychotherapist Amy Morin (13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do), parenting educators Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen), neuroscientists Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (No-Drama Discipline), and author Alfie Kohn (Unconditional Parenting). You’ll learn communication strategies that enlist your child’s cooperation, brain-based approaches that strengthen parent-child bonds, and why some traditional punishments might actually be making behavior worse.
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Don’t Mistake Punishment for Discipline
Before we jump into whether or not disciplining children works, it’s important to understand what discipline is. No matter how reasonable your expectations of your children are, there will be times when your child doesn’t live up to them. That’s when it’s crucial to impose appropriate consequences, with emphasis on “appropriate.”
In 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do, psychotherapist Amy Morin says that mentally strong parents make sure those consequences discipline their children instead of just punishing them. The key difference between punishment and discipline is that discipline teaches children how to do better, whereas punishment just makes them suffer. For example, if your child gets angry and yells at you, an appropriate consequence might be to send them to their room until they calm down—this teaches them that they can walk away from upsetting situations instead of lashing out and making things worse. On the other hand, an unhelpful punishment might be to take away something that makes them happy, like their favorite toy; far from teaching your child how to handle their anger, this approach will just upset them even more.
(Shortform note: We can illustrate this “punishment versus discipline” principle by taking a look at the large body of research showing that rehabilitating criminals is much more effective than simply punishing them. Studies have shown that prisoners who benefit from programs such as counseling and skills training are much less likely to reoffend than those who don’t have access to such programs. This is something of an extreme comparison—Morin is discussing a misbehaving child, not a potentially dangerous criminal—but it highlights the point that punishment alone is ineffective. That’s why the author is urging you to, instead, find consequences that teach your child the skills they need to do better next time.)
The author adds that effective discipline uses positive consequences (rewards) as well as negative ones. So, while you might have to send your child to their room for yelling at you, make sure to also praise them when they handle their anger more appropriately, such as by walking away to settle down. Some other appropriate rewards might include giving your child an allowance for doing their chores each week or giving them a piece of candy as a reward for a good grade on a test.
1. The Communication Method
Now that you know the difference between discipline and punishment, here’s how to encourage positive behavior, according to Faber and Mazlish in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk: Focus on getting the right behavior in the future, not punishing the child for past misdeeds.
Ask Misbehaving Children for Their Help
Faber and Mazlish recommend redirecting children by enlisting them in a constructive activity. For example, if your children are grabbing toys at the store, ask them to help you shop for what you need.
Explain Why They Should Behave Differently
It may seem frustrating or repetitive to be continually explaining to a child why their behavior is problematic, but Faber and Mazlish recommend that you keep trying. Instead of criticizing the child, focus on the potential consequences of your child’s actions. For example, if your children are playing tag on the sidewalk and not looking where they are going, don’t label and punish them by saying, “You’re being so naughty—no treat for you today!” Instead, explain that people and dogs might trip over them.
Ask Them to Help You Solve the Problem
Another way to encourage positive behavior is to make your child part of the solution rather than making them feel like they’re the problem. Faber and Mazlish note that involving your child in brainstorming solutions can reassure them that you’re a team, and that you’re listening and taking their feelings into account. This approach isn’t about convincing your child that you know best, and they should do what you say. It’s about being open to solutions that your child suggests and trying to find a compromise.
Enlisting a child’s help in finding a solution draws on many of the skills Faber and Mazlish teach—giving reasons, giving choices, respecting your child’s feelings, encouraging autonomy, not giving your children negative labels.
Here’s how Faber and Mazlish say you should put the skills together to encourage positive behavior: Sit down calmly with your child.
- First, discuss their feelings and needs and then your own. For example, your child might want to keep playing with their friends, but you need them to be home before dinner.
- Brainstorm together about how to accomplish this, writing down any ideas, even if they are ones you can’t agree to—for example, even if your child suggests they be allowed to go out whenever they want, write it down.
- Then go back over the list, get rid of any unworkable ideas, and see if you can arrive at a compromise solution. You and your child may think of some creative solutions, and it won’t be about who wins the battle—it’ll be about how both of you can solve a problem.
2. The No-Drama Technique
According to Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in No-Drama Discipline, drama-free discipline (or as the authors call it, “the No-Drama Discipline approach”) is a way to discipline children while also strengthening their growing brains. When children have consistent, loving discipline, their brains form new, positive connections that create a foundation for healthy relationships and mental well-being later on.
This approach also reinforces the bond between parent and child, which makes kids feel safe—and when they feel safe, they’re able to focus their neurological resources on developing their growing brain, which will lead to better behavior in the long term.
Keep the Brain in Mind
The authors believe that you must understand how kids’ brains are developing in order to discipline them effectively. Here are some important things to remember about children’s growing brains.
First, different parts of the brain are responsible for different functions. (The authors refer to these different parts of the brain as the “downstairs brain” and the “upstairs brain,” but for clarity, we’ll call them the lower and upper parts of the brain.)
The lower part of the brain controls basic functions, like breathing, hunger, and strong primary emotions such as fear. This part of the brain is fully developed even in young children. In contrast, the upper part of the brain controls more complex functions like empathy, impulse control, emotional regulation, and critical thinking. Unlike the lower part of the brain, the upper part is not fully developed in children; in fact, the upper brain doesn’t completely mature until around age 25.
Second, according to Siegel and Bryson, the fact that kids’ upper brains aren’t developed yet means they’re not yet capable of higher-level executive functions like seeing a situation from someone else’s point of view. Parents need to keep this in mind when they set expectations for their children. For example, a four-year-old genuinely isn’t capable of sitting quietly in church for an hour without something to distract her—she hasn’t developed impulse control (an upper brain function) yet, which means her brain hasn’t yet learned to control her urges to talk, play, and move around. Her parents should set their expectations accordingly.
Be Mindful
In addition to considering brain development, the authors recommend approaching discipline in a mindful way, rather than simply reacting on instinct (or blowing up). In practice, mindful discipline means approaching each situation with curiosity. When your child misbehaves, Siegel and Bryson recommend asking yourself these three questions:
Why did my child do that? Usually, the answer has to do with emotions and goals. What emotion were they trying to express? What goal were they trying to accomplish?
What lesson do I want them to learn right now? This answer may vary depending on the answer to the first question. For example, if your child hit her brother because she was feeling jealous of him, you might want to teach her a healthier way to handle jealousy.
How should I deliver that lesson? This answer will also depend on the specifics of the situation. For example, if your daughter is two years old, she may be too young to really understand jealousy, so you may need to simplify how you deliver your lesson. On the other hand, older children can understand nuanced emotions, so you can talk with them about jealousy in more depth.
Autopilot Responses
The authors believe that the opposite of mindful discipline is parenting “on autopilot”, or making decisions in the heat of the moment based on your habits and current emotions rather than a conscious plan. When parents are on autopilot, they often resort to two common punishments: time-outs and spanking. Siegel and Bryson argue that these methods are not only ineffectual in the moment, they can also hinder kids’ healthy development in the long run.
Time-Outs
Siegel and Bryson believe that, during a traditional time-out (in which parents send children to sit by themselves and think about what they’ve done wrong), kids don’t focus on their misbehavior—they focus on their parents’ negative reaction to it. This often escalates kids’ strong emotions rather than helping them calm down. (Shortform note: In addition to the authors’ reasoning, there’s another reason time-outs can escalate a conflict: They initiate a power struggle over whether the child will actually, physically stay in the time-out spot. If the child keeps leaving the designated spot before they’re supposed to, parents often escalate the situation by heaping new punishments on top of the original time out.)
Spanking
The authors believe that spanking, like time-outs, often escalates dramatic situations. That’s because spanking makes children feel threatened, and feeling threatened engages the primitive parts of a child’s brain rather than the more evolved parts responsible for higher-level thinking. When a child’s primitive brain is engaged, it’s almost impossible for her to think calmly about the experience, so she’ll continue acting out. Worse, feeling threatened floods children’s brains with stress hormones; over time, too much exposure to those stress hormones can have a serious negative impact on children’s developing brains.
Time It Right
The authors acknowledge that mindful, brain-focused discipline is hard to do when your own lower brain is enraged—as might happen, for instance, if you walk into the kitchen to discover your child painting a chocolate syrup masterpiece all over the floor. When that happens, Siegel and Bryson recommend holding off on discipline (other than immediate safety concerns) until both you and your child are calm, focused, and able to have a productive conversation. This might even mean waiting until the next day to talk after everyone has cooled down. Otherwise, you’re likely to resort to autopilot responses like yelling or time-outs.
3. The No Punishment Approach
According to Alfie Kohn in Unconditional Parenting, parents commonly use punishments (or the threat of punishments) to discourage behavior they see as problematic. Kohn’s definition of punishments is broader than most common definitions: He includes isolation and the withdrawal of parental attention alongside physical punishments and temporarily not allowing a child to do something she enjoys.
What Counts as a Punishment?
A punishment is any deliberate attempt to make a child suffer following “bad” behavior. Punishments include:
Physical punishments such as spanking, slapping, or handling a child roughly when they misbehave. These punishments are especially damaging because they teach children that it’s okay to use violence to solve problems, which may be why they’re also linked to aggressive behavior. Kohn notes that even in communities in which parents use spanking more (and in which parents are more likely to justify it with, “It didn’t do any damage to me”), children still show adverse outcomes.
(Shortform note: Many parents make the decision not to spank their children on philosophical and moral grounds. For those who want hard evidence one way or the other, the picture is extremely murky. For example, aggression outcomes may be influenced by the child’s gender: One study found that 1-year-old male babies who were spanked are more likely to be bullies at age 3, while female babies who were spanked at the same age are less likely to be bullies. Some researchers even argue that Sweden’s spanking ban, enacted in 1979, increased crime, violent child abuse in particular, in subsequent decades.)
Criticism. Kohn argues that criticizing kids is damaging to their self-esteem in the long run. He suggests that if you have to criticize, try to do it as little as possible and always make sure the criticism is specific (for example, “Pulling the cat’s tail hurts her” rather than “Don’t hurt animals”). (Shortform note: Research supports Kohn’s warning about criticizing children. Criticism from parents can lead to depression in children, and parents also typically underestimate how often they criticize their kids.)
“Love withdrawals,” such as time-outs, ignoring the child, and briefly pulling back emotionally from the child. Kohn says that these are ways of inflicting emotional pain on the child and that they can be even more damaging than physical punishments. (Shortform note: Kohn’s framing of these techniques as “love withdrawals” is one of his more controversial opinions. Though they’re not recommended for very young children, time-outs are still widely recommended as a disciplinary measure—including by the CDC, which claims that they work not because children are afraid of losing love but because they hate to be bored.)
Taking away “privileges” (things the child enjoys). Kohn argues that taking away privileges isn’t ideal because it doesn’t directly link the problem behavior with the consequence—unlike, for example, making a child clean up the colorful crayon mural she’s drawn on the walls. (Shortform note: Some experts recommend allowing a child to experience the “natural consequences” of their behavior, such as allowing him to get wet if he doesn’t put on his raincoat, even arguing that doing this increases kids’ intrinsic motivation to avoid uncomfortable consequences. However, despite his overall inclination toward non-intervention, Kohn warns against this strategy in most cases. He says that the thing children are most likely to learn from this setup is that you could have helped them but chose not to.)
Why You Should Stop Punishing Children
According to Kohn, we shouldn’t use punishments with children because:
1. They don’t help the child to develop internal moral standards. Punishments don’t teach children to take responsibility for their behavior, repair relationships, or fix the problems they’ve caused.
2. They can be counterproductive: A child’s negative reaction to a punishment (for example, yelling or crying) might prompt the parent to punish more, locking both into a vicious cycle of punishments with increasing stakes.
3. They misdirect children’s attention, causing them to focus on the punishment itself and their anger about it rather than the problem behavior.
4. They cultivate either rebellion or overcompliance in the long term. Children whose parents rely on harsh punishments usually turn out in one of two ways: They stop questioning authority in a healthy way and end up completely disempowered, or they deliberately rebel. And in the case of rebellion, punishments simply encourage children to focus on not getting caught, rather than discouraging the behavior itself.
Explore Further
Want to learn more about disciplining your child? You can dive deeper into this complex topic with our full guides to the books mentioned in this article.
