What if the secret to raising emotionally healthy children isn’t about controlling their behavior, but about understanding the feelings behind it? Conscious parenting shifts the focus from compliance to connection, treating children as whole people with their own emotional needs and inner lives.
Clarke-Fields emphasizes “mindful parenting” as a core practice: being fully present, listening without judgment, and modeling healthy emotional regulation. Similarly, Alfie Kohn offers practical guidelines for “unconditional parenting.” Learn about both methods below.
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Connection Over Control
In Raising Good Humans, Hunter Clarke-Fields’s conscious parenting approach is relationship-based. It shifts the focus of parenting from getting your kids to “behave” to understanding the emotions and needs underlying their (mis)behaviors. She reminds us that kids are people too—with their own needs, wants, fears, and desires. She argues that prioritizing connection and fostering an atmosphere of mutual respect and empathy allows parents and children to grow together and deepen their understanding of each other—creating families where each member feels valued, heard, and genuinely cared for.
(Shortform note: Approaches like Clarke-Fields’s, which promote empathy and mutual respect between parents and children, are supported by psychological research. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), research over the years has consistently shown that authoritative parenting, which balances reasonable demands with responsiveness to children’s emotional needs, is linked to the most positive psychological outcomes among children. This body of evidence underscores the shift away from more authoritarian parenting styles toward methods that emphasize understanding and emotional connection.)
According to Clarke-Fields, “mindful parenting” can help you build a stronger connection to your child. In the next section, we’ll explain what mindful parenting is and how it can help you be a more effective and intentional parent.
Mindful Parenting
Mindful parenting is a compassionate, awareness-based approach that helps you focus on being present and emotionally available for your children. Clarke-Fields argues that practicing mindful parenting can fundamentally change how you interact with your kids. It’s about showing up fully, even for little moments—listening intently, empathizing, and responding thoughtfully rather than reacting instinctively when you get frustrated or upset. According to Clarke-Fields, when you begin to practice mindful parenting, you can strengthen your relationship with your children while also modeling for them how to handle emotions and stress in a healthy way.
(Shortform note: Jon Kabat-Zinn and Myla Kabat-Zinn introduced the concept of mindful parenting to mainstream consciousness with their book Everyday Blessings, released in 1997. Mindful parenting—rooted in practices and principles that Jon Kabat-Zinn developed for his Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program—emphasizes being fully present and engaged with one’s children in a compassionate and non-judgmental way.)
Clarke-Fields emphasizes that an important part of mindful parenting is not judging yourself for making mistakes or having moments of disconnection with your kid. She acknowledges that parenting is hard and that perfection isn’t the goal. She points out that “mistakes,” or moments of conflict, are opportunities for you and your child to learn, and for you to practice self-awareness and humility—both valuable skills to model for children.
(Shortform note: Sometimes the judgment we feel as parents doesn’t come from us, but from other people. One study found that nearly 90% of parents feel judged for their parenting choices. Researchers suggest that this tendency to judge is partly human nature, but insecurity also plays a significant role; seeing other parents make different parenting choices can trigger our own insecurities and lead us to judge in defense. Moreover, those who have been judged are more likely to judge others, creating a cycle of criticism that can be harmful not only to other parents but also to their children and themselves.)
Unconditional Parenting
In Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn deliberately doesn’t offer scripts or specific advice for his method, saying that paying attention, reflecting, and following the principles is enough. Parents have criticized him for this, however, so for each guideline, we’ll add one or two specific techniques for you to experiment with.
Kohn sets out 13 guidelines in the book. The ones we present here don’t overlap exactly with these—some of these (such as respecting the child and prioritizing the relationship) are more theoretical, so we don’t cover them here.
Guideline #1: See Things From the Child’s Perspective
According to Kohn, the basis for all unconditional parenting techniques is empathy. Young children get carted from place to place, they’re physically smaller and weaker than adults, and in general, they have very little control over their lives. They’re also dealing with impulses and emotions they don’t understand, rapidly changing bodies and brains, and new and confusing social situations. Your child’s needs and emotions might not make much sense to you (for example, you might not be too worried about monsters under the bed), but you should take them seriously because your child takes them seriously. In particular, don’t dismiss behavior as “attention-seeking”—wanting attention is a perfectly legitimate human need.
Kohn adds that when you’re trying to figure out your child’s motivations for doing something you don’t like, he recommends going with the most generous interpretation possible of what you’ve observed, for two reasons: First, you don’t want to jump to conclusions that might not be correct, and second, kids internalize the motivations we attribute to them (for example, if you say, “Don’t be selfish, share your toys,” the child might interpret this to mean that she’s a selfish person). Showing empathy to your kids also models the empathetic behavior you want them to grow into later.
| See Things From the Child’s Perspective: The “Give in Fantasy What You Can’t Give in Reality” Technique Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, suggest that parents forestall tantrums by giving in fantasy what they can’t give in reality. For example, if you’re at the supermarket with a child and she decides she wants a big bag of candy, instead of saying “no,” try playfully describing a fantasy world in which she gets her wish. You could say: “I wish we could take home the candy! I wish we could take home a thousand bags of candy, make a big candy mountain, and just sit on top of the mountain all day eating it.” The way this technique lets you acknowledge children’s desires and empathize in a playful way without giving in to them makes it surprisingly effective. |
Guideline #2: Communicate Unconditional Acceptance
Kohn emphasizes that unconditional parenting isn’t about the message you think you’re sending—it’s about the message the child is receiving. The fact that you love your child unconditionally is less important than how they feel. This doesn’t mean that you see everything your child does as perfect—but it does mean that no matter what he does, your highest priority should always be creating an emotionally safe environment. Body language, facial expressions, and gestures are key here.
Kohn points out that parents who are good at communicating unconditional love and acceptance in normal circumstances often fall down in situations of conflict, where it’s more important, not less, to make the child feel emotionally safe.
| Communicate Unconditional Acceptance: The Hand-Holding and “Time-In” Techniques As Kohn notes, body language is crucial when talking to children, especially when discussing behavior you’d like them to change. One aspect of body language is touch, which reduces kids’ cortisol levels and calms anxious children. You could try holding hands with your child during or after difficult conversations, which has been shown to improve communication and positive feelings in conflicts between adults (it hasn’t been tested yet with children). Instead of time-outs, Montessori-influenced educators recommend “time-ins.” To do a time-in, remove the child from the stressful situation and take him to a quiet place. Comfort him while he expresses his anger or frustration, help him put words to his emotions, and offer some techniques for managing the emotions (for example, taking deep breaths together). Then let the child choose whether or not he goes back into the situation. Janet Lansbury points out that this technique teaches the child that his parents are on his team and that they’re there to help rather than judge. |
Guideline #3: Avoid Intervening Where Possible
According to Kohn, most parents are too quick to meddle in their child’s activities. To help your child build autonomy, let them sort things out for themselves as much as possible—even if it means sitting on your hands or biting your tongue. (Of course, this doesn’t apply if the child is in immediate danger.) Whenever you’re about to ask a child to do something, pause and consider whether it’s really important. If it’s not, keep quiet.
Kohn suggests that instead of constantly telling children what to do, you should foster autonomy by offering choices and asking questions. Wherever possible, let children decide, even if this occasionally makes you feel uncomfortable.
| Avoid Intervening: The Counting and Sportscasting Techniques Avoiding intervention is a cornerstone of the Montessori approach. Maria Montessori believed that children learn best from noticing the effects of their actions on the environment and that the job of the parent is to “remain a quiet observer of all that happens.” Montessori apparently carried around a string of rosary beads that she would count whenever she felt tempted to intervene. You don’t have to carry a string of beads, but consider counting to 10 when you’re tempted to interfere—by the time you get to 10, there might not be any need to. An alternative approach, and one that’s especially helpful when children are feeling angry or frustrated, is “sportscasting.” Popularized by Janet Lansbury, sportscasting is putting neutral words to what children are doing and feeling. Instead of rushing in to comfort or help a child, a sportscasting parent might say: “Your block tower fell down again. You look disappointed.” Lansbury notes that this technique is especially helpful when there’s conflict between children, as it often spurs them to work out the conflict themselves. |
Guideline #4: Keep Calm
Children are extremely sensitive to their parents’ emotional states. If you keep calm, so will your child. Stress causes parents to discipline their kids more severely and more inconsistently, which is exactly what you’re trying to avoid.
Kohn recognizes that staying calm can be a particular challenge if you’re in public, or if a child shouts things like “I hate you!” or “You’re a bad daddy!” In these cases, don’t get flustered; just see this as a way that she’s expressing negative feelings in the moment. If you stay calm, you’re also modeling good emotional regulation, which is one of the most important life skills your child can learn.
| Keep Calm: The CEO Technique If you’re having trouble staying calm, Janet Lansbury recommends imagining you’re a CEO. How would a competent CEO communicate with an employee who’s made a mistake? She would explain the problem clearly, without getting angry or making the employee feel ashamed. Then she would spell out the steps necessary to repair the error. Lansbury adds that it’s important to respond quickly. If too much time passes after the behavior you want to correct, drawing attention to it can feel like shaming to the child. If you miss one opportunity, just wait for it to come around again. |
Guideline #5: Reflect Regularly
To make sure that you don’t parent according to your mood or unknowingly reproduce patterns from your own childhood, stop and reflect often. Kohn cautions that this isn’t the same as rationalizing the decisions we’ve made (which is often tempting).
The goal isn’t to be overly self-critical, as that doesn’t help either; it’s to introduce a healthy level of humility and an openness to change. Kohn recommends that you stop and ask yourself: “If someone said or did that to me, would I feel loved unconditionally?”
| Reflect Regularly: The Mindful Discipline Technique In No-Drama Discipline, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson recommend the following three-step sequence to make sure you’re responding to your child’s behavior mindfully: Why did my child do that? Were they trying to express an emotion or accomplish a goal? What lesson do I want them to learn right now? What’s the most important thing they need to know at this moment? How should I deliver that lesson? In delivering the lesson, be sure to take the age of the child into consideration. For smaller children, deliver your lesson in the simplest terms possible. For older children, it’s valuable to explore situational nuances. The questions remain the same no matter the situation or the child’s age, but the answers are dynamic and should change every time you use the technique. |
Guideline #6: Control the Environment, Not the Child
Kohn recommends structuring your child’s environment so it sets him up for success. For example, it’s more effective to set up a barrier between the child and any dangerous objects than to continually tell them “no” or move him away. For a small child, this could look like moving breakable objects to higher shelves. If you’re going to leave the house to do something that you know will be boring for your child, bring along some toys or books that will keep him occupied.
This guideline applies to time, too: It’s a universal rule of parenting that the tighter the timeframe, the longer the child will take to get ready. Whenever you can, allot more time to activities than you think you’ll need. Doing this also helps you to keep your cool (Principle #4).
| Control the Environment, Not the Child: The “Yes Space” Technique Janet Lansbury recommends setting up a “yes space” for your child. Yes spaces are places that are totally secure—they’re set up so that the child can do whatever she wants inside the space without putting herself in danger (or hearing the word “no”). For younger children, a yes space can be a crib or playpen; for older children, you can set up their whole room this way. Experiencing periods when they don’t constantly hear “no” helps children develop a longer attention span, experience more freedom, and practice independence. |
Learn More About Conscious Parenting Techniques
If you want to dive deeper into the two conscious parenting techniques mentioned above, check out our full guides to the books mentioned throughout the article.
