Connecting with people is one of life’s most essential skills, yet it’s something many of us struggle with. Whether you’re trying to build new relationships, deepen existing ones, or navigate difficult conversations, knowing how to connect with people can make all the difference.
Read more to learn how to communicate with genuine understanding, build rapport, and maintain connection even through conflict and disagreement.
Table of Contents
The Foundation: What Connection Really Means
In The Next Conversation, Jefferson Fisher writes that, to communicate well, you must focus on connection. Connecting with people goes beyond just sharing and receiving information; you must seek to understand what the other person is saying and then show them that you understand.
Fisher explains that we often enter conversations expecting something from the other person. You might expect them to admit they’re wrong or validate your feelings. However, if you have these expectations, you focus on your agenda instead of listening to and understanding the other person. When you do this, you miss what they’re trying to say, and the conversation becomes about winning rather than understanding.
Instead, if you focus on connection, you can truly hear the other person’s perspective and have a more productive conversation. Fisher points out that you don’t have to agree with the other person to connect with them; you just need to understand where they’re coming from and acknowledge that.
| How Your Mindset Affects Your Ability to Connect In The Anatomy of Peace, the Arbinger Institute explains that your mindset—how you see yourself, others, and the world—determines whether you’ll have productive conversations or conflicts. They describe two mindsets: a combative outlook that sees others as obstacles to overcome, and a cooperative outlook that recognizes others as people with valid needs and perspectives. When you operate from a combative mindset, you judge others quickly, assume they have bad intentions, and focus on how they make your life difficult. This pushes people away and prevents you from discussing what you both need. But when you shift to a cooperative mindset, you naturally do what Fisher advocates: You become curious about the other person’s perspective and circumstances, which opens the door to real communication. The Arbinger Institute emphasizes that you can’t fake this shift—others will sense it if your words don’t match your true feelings, and your efforts to resolve conflict will fall flat. However, by genuinely seeing others as people rather than problems, you create the conditions for the kind of connection that makes understanding possible. |
What Gets in the Way: 4 Barriers to Connection
Though focusing on connection helps us communicate better, Fisher explains four common barriers that make it hard to connect.
1. Poor self-awareness: We don’t often know how others see us since our body language and facial expressions may send signals we don’t notice. This can create misunderstandings—for example, if you frown and furrow your brow while thinking about a problem, other people might think you’re upset with them, even though you’re just concentrating.
(Shortform note: Not only are we generally unaware of the nonverbal signals we send, but we also have little control over them. In What Every Body Is Saying, Joe Navarro explains that our bodies react automatically to situations before our conscious minds can process them. These instant reactions come from our limbic system—the part of the brain that evolved to keep us safe by triggering physical responses to threats and opportunities. This means that while you might think you’re just concentrating, your body could be broadcasting discomfort or stress.)
2. Close-mindedness: We tend to reject ideas that are different from our own without trying to understand them. This makes it hard to connect with people who see things differently than we do. For example, if a coworker suggests a new way to organize team meetings, you might immediately dismiss it as “too complicated” without asking why they think it would work better.
(Shortform note: This close-mindedness comes from a psychological tendency called confirmation bias. In Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson explain that confirmation bias is when we readily accept information that matches our existing beliefs while dismissing anything that challenges them. This protects us from the mental discomfort of questioning our beliefs. However, rejecting different perspectives also prevents us from seeing the potential value in new ideas or understanding why others might think differently.)
3. Lack of self-assurance: We sometimes struggle to be direct in conversations. We avoid eye contact, use closed-off body language, or use phrases that soften what we want to say, like “This probably isn’t important,” or “I’m not sure if this makes sense.” This behavior undermines connection because when we’re indirect, people can’t understand what we need or what we’re thinking.
(Shortform note: Whether you tend to communicate directly or indirectly can depend on your cultural background. In The Culture Map, Erin Meyer divides the world’s cultures into two communication types: high-context and low-context. In low-context cultures like the United States, people expect you to say exactly what you mean. If there’s a misunderstanding, it’s the speaker’s fault for not being clear enough. However, in high-context cultures like those of France, Japan, and many Asian countries, being too direct can seem rude or aggressive, so people learn to communicate indirectly through body language, tone, and implied meanings.)
4. Technology: Fisher explains that technology like texting and email often impairs true connection. These tools miss important clues like tone of voice and facial expressions, making misunderstandings common. For example, a friend’s simple “okay” text might seem unenthusiastic when they’re actually excited but typing quickly. For this reason, Fisher recommends face-to-face conversations when possible.
(Shortform note: In Digital Minimalism, Cal Newport argues that when we rely on digital communication, we weaken our social abilities as a whole: We lose the ability to practice listening, to feel heard, and to develop empathy. Some young people who grew up with smartphones struggle to understand what others are feeling because they haven’t spent enough time reading faces and interpreting emotions in person. For these reasons, Newport recommends using text messaging only for logistics—like scheduling the in-person meetings and face-to-face conversations that Fisher advocates.)
Exercise: Overcome Your Connection Barriers
According to Fisher, three barriers prevent us from connecting with others during conversations: poor self-awareness, close-mindedness, and lack of self-assurance. Examine a recent conversation that didn’t go well to identify which barriers affected you.
- Think about a recent conversation that left you feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or disconnected from the other person. What was the topic, who was involved, and what outcome were you hoping for?
- Looking back at your behavior during that conversation, which of Fisher’s three barriers to connection got in your way the most? What specific things did you say or do that showed this barrier at work? For example, did you demonstrate close-mindedness by rejecting their suggestion, or did you show a lack of self-assurance by starting your sentences with unnecessary apologies? Did a lack of self-awareness impede your ability to communicate at all?
- How did this barrier affect the conversation’s outcome? Did it cause misunderstandings, make the other person defensive, or prevent you from getting your point across?
- What could you do differently next time to overcome this barrier? Consider one specific change you could make.
Building Blocks: 4 Practical Techniques for Connecting
Once you understand what connection means and recognize the barriers that might be holding you back, the next step is learning specific techniques to build rapport with others. In How to Talk to Anyone, communications consultant Leil Lowndes offers concrete tactics for creating connection by emphasizing your similarities with others. People naturally open up to those who seem like them—who share similar traits, interests, and ways of seeing the world. The following four techniques will help you demonstrate that common ground and encourage others to connect with you more deeply.
(Shortform note: Psychologists add insight into why we like people who are just like us: Similarity validates your choices. Meeting people who think about life in the same way that you do decreases your uncertainty about whether or not you’re making the right choices.)
#1: Match Their Mood
Show that you empathize with their emotions by tuning into their mood and matching their tone and pace. This will make them feel like you’re on the same wavelength as them. For example, if they talk quickly because they’re excited about something, try to maintain that high when you speak.
(Shortform note: One way to match your partner’s mood is to speak about emotionally similar experiences. This deepens your emotional connection because it demonstrates two things: First, you’re actively listening to them and you understand their emotions. Second, you accept how they feel and you’re willing to join them where they are.)
#2: Repeat Their Words Back to Them
Listen to the specific words they use and echo them back when it’s your turn to speak. Finding ways to incorporate their vocabulary into what you say will make them believe you share their values and think like them.
(Shortform note: In addition to simulating a feeling of similarity, paraphrasing your conversation partner’s words also ensures that you understand what’s being said in the spirit in which it’s intended. Repetition helps you to clarify what the speaker’s saying. This gives them the comfort of knowing that they’re understood and makes them more inclined to form an emotional connection to you.)
#3: Make Supportive Statements
Show that you understand what they’re feeling by using short empathetic statements that match the senses they use to express them. For example, if they talk about how they saw something, you could say, “I see what you mean.” If they talk about how they felt about something, you could say, “I understand how you feel.” These short sentences will make them believe that you interpret the world in the same way that they do and will encourage them to continue. Additionally, this tactic helps to keep the conversation flowing if you find yourself at a loss for words.
(Shortform note: Neuro-linguistic research confirms that sense-matching does subconsciously increase rapport between people. However, trying to mirror another person’s sensory language before you feel any emotional connection to them can backfire—others are likely to consciously notice your attempts and feel like you’re trying to manipulate them. Therefore, wait until you begin to feel a genuine emotional connection to what’s being said before attempting this tactic—this way, you won’t inadvertently repel the people you’re trying to connect with.)
#4: Use “We,” “Us,” and “Our” to Imply Friendship
Create a feeling of connection and intimacy by using language that presupposes that you’re already friends. When people are in a close relationship, they automatically refer to themselves with words that unite them, such as “we” and “us.” Using these words tricks others into believing that you’re already friends. For example, instead of saying, “I’m going to find some food,” say, “Shall we find some food?”
(Shortform note: While there’s nothing to prove that using the word “we” will trick someone into being your friend, there is proof that it will make you feel happier. Psychological studies show that the pronouns you use most often directly impact your emotional state: Relationship pairs that use “we” and “us” tend to feel happier and calmer and they find it easier to express positive emotions such as respect or affection. On the other hand, relationship pairs that use “I” or “you” tend to be less happy—they have negative facial expressions, negative tones of voice, and project an air of rejection or disdain.)
Going Deeper: Connection Through Difficult Moments
While matching someone’s mood and using inclusive language can help you build rapport in everyday interactions, true connection is tested when you face disagreements and conflicts. In Braving the Wilderness, researcher Brené Brown argues that the deepest sense of belonging comes not from avoiding difficult conversations, but from learning to navigate them authentically. Rather than staying silent to keep the peace or surrounding yourself only with people who think like you, Brown explains that genuine connection requires the courage to speak honestly, disagree respectfully, and stay engaged even when it’s uncomfortable. The techniques that follow will help you maintain and even strengthen your connections during life’s most challenging conversations.
#1: Resolve Conflicts With Curiosity & Healthy Boundaries
Brown says part of true belonging means speaking up with your honest opinion, even when it could create conflict. This means you must be prepared to resolve conflicts by approaching them with curiosity rather than defensiveness or hostility. If everyone could try to understand other people’s perspectives and talk through conflicts with kindness, Brown says, people would feel more comfortable being their true selves because they wouldn’t be afraid of a negative reaction.
In other words, having a safe space to disagree facilitates true belonging. Even a more neutral stance, such as “Since we disagree on this topic, let’s not talk about it,” hinders connection and true belonging because you might feel like you have to suppress your opinions to avoid conflict.
For example, if friends disagree on climate policies, Brown might recommend that the friends show curiosity by asking each other questions about why they believe what they believe: “What’s your rationale for this stance? How do you think this policy might affect people?” Brown emphasizes that this dialogue should always be respectful and should allow each person to understand the other’s intentions. In this case, the friends who disagree may have the same intention: addressing the climate issue with honesty and realism. They simply have different approaches to doing so.
Brown’s conflict resolution strategy comes with a caveat: It should always be done with healthy boundaries in place. This means that you shouldn’t engage with someone if you feel physically or emotionally unsafe. For example, if someone is trying to physically threaten or intimidate you or if they’re using dehumanizing language, this isn’t a safe space for productive conflict resolution. In this case, extract yourself from the situation rather than engaging.
#2: Question False Dichotomies
Brown’s next piece of advice for achieving true belonging is to question false dichotomies—the types of things people might say when they have the “us versus them” mindset. For example, if someone says that you can’t consider yourself a Christian if you hold certain opinions, this assertion is a way of trying to bully you into either conforming or losing your membership in a community.
In these situations, Brown says that true belonging requires calling people out on this and adding nuance while staying respectful. In this scenario, you might point out that many Christians have different opinions, explain why you think your opinion and faith aren’t mutually exclusive, and try the conflict resolution techniques we described in the previous section.
#3: Remember What Unites Us as Humans
Another way to foster true belonging is to increase our shared connection as humans. Brown says we can remember what unites us by being present with others during euphoric and painful moments. These include gatherings of people—especially with strangers—such as a group working together on a task (such as building a house) or a large protest.
The commonality in these gatherings is a shared emotional experience: Love, grief, and everything in between are what bind us together as humans, no matter how different we may seem or how challenging it can be to relate to one another. Brown notes that in-person interactions are essential for feeling the power of a shared emotional experience because digital “gatherings” don’t quite have the same impact as being together in the same physical place.
#4: Build Trust
Building trust is another key way to achieve true belonging. Brown says that trusting yourself as well as others will help you express your true self and avoid withdrawing into yourself or lashing out at others out of fear. Her definition of trust has several elements. To understand what building trust looks like in practice, we’ll explain each of these elements using Brown’s acronym BRAVING:
Boundaries: When you trust yourself, you know when to draw the line at physical and emotional safety during a disagreement. When you trust other people’s boundaries, you know that they’ll do the same.
Reliability: When you’re reliable, people can trust that you’ll always be honest and won’t pretend to conform for ease. They know that you always show up as your authentic self. People should also be able to trust that you’re reliable because you don’t present them with false dichotomies.
Accountability: If you’re trustworthy, you take accountability when you mess up by not being authentic or not engaging in conflict resolution in good faith. In those cases, you show accountability by apologizing and trying again.
Vault: You keep things confidential when you say you will—even if you’re tempted to connect with people through gossip or shared contempt.
Integrity: When you have integrity, you always live out your values, even when it’s more challenging than conforming. This is an important part of calling out false dichotomies and being honest with others.
Nonjudgment: In order for people to trust you with their thoughts and feelings, you have to listen to them without judgment. Likewise, to trust yourself, you have to be nonjudgmental toward yourself even when you feel different or “othered.”
Generosity: When people trust you, they know that when you ask more questions to understand their perspective, you’re assuming generous (good) intentions and you’re approaching the conversation with kindness.
Explore Connection Further
True connection requires both intention and skill—the willingness to prioritize understanding over being right, the techniques to build rapport in everyday conversations, and the courage to stay engaged even when disagreements arise. To understand connection in its broader context, check out Shortform’s guides to the books where these ideas come from:
- The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher
- How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes
- Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown
