What if the key to transforming your struggling relationship could be summed up in two words: emotional security? According to relationship expert Dr. Sue Johnson, the ability to feel safe and comfortable sharing your deepest emotions with your partner isn’t just nice to have; it’s essential for relationship survival.
Johnson’s revolutionary Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) method focuses on helping couples understand that underneath every heated argument or cold withdrawal lies a desperate cry for emotional connection and security. Keep reading to learn how to introduce emotional security into your relationship.
Table of Contents
The Key to a Healthy Relationship
In her book Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson begins by explaining the core of her couples therapy method, known as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). The key to a successful relationship is emotional security. In other words, in order for your relationship to thrive, you have to feel comfortable and safe communicating your emotions with one another. On the other hand, Johnson argues that a lack of emotional security is the primary cause of serious conflicts in relationships.
(Shortform note: Johnson notes that EFT is based on attachment therapy, a style first developed in the 1960s by psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby. The authors of Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller) explain that attachment therapy originally focused on parent-child relationships and theorized that children need strong emotional bonds with parent figures for healthy development. Later psychologists applied similar principles to romantic relationships, arguing that the way people form emotional bonds—patterns learned from their parents—are integral to overall relationship health. Johnson focuses less on the parent-child relationship, but still centers on emotional bonds in her practice.)
Elements of Emotional Security
According to Johnson, there are three main standards a relationship must meet for partners to feel emotionally secure: openness, caring, and engagement.
Standard #1: Openness
Johnson explains that a healthy relationship requires both partners to be open with one another about their thoughts and feelings. This creates emotional security: We naturally feel safer around people when we feel like we understand them and they understand us. Johnson explains that openness has to go both ways—in addition to openly expressing your feelings, you must be open to receiving the feelings of your partner. This also requires each of you to be willing to work through your emotions, since you can’t be open toward them if you’re avoiding or denying them.
(Shortform note: The openness of a healthy relationship doesn’t have to be constant and total. Rather, therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt (Getting the Love You Want) suggest that couples should approach emotional conversations when they’re both in the right state of mind, even if that means planning ahead of time. This makes both partners feel more emotionally secure, as they know they’ll be able to have these important conversations but won’t be surprised by them when they don’t feel ready.)
Standard #2: Demonstrations of Care
Johnson’s second standard of emotional security is that both partners have to show that they care about each other’s feelings. Sharing your emotions with a partner who doesn’t seem to care will just make you feel ignored or neglected. Demonstrating care can be as simple as noticing that your partner is anxious and gently rubbing their back—showing you see their anxiety and want to offer them comfort.
(Shortform note: Demonstrating care doesn’t always have to be romantic. John Gottman and Nan Silver (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) argue that a strong friendship—respecting your partner and enjoying the time you spend with them—is one of the most important elements of what makes a happy relationship. In this context, demonstrating care isn’t just about emotional intimacy; it’s also about nurturing the sense of friendship you have with your partner.)
Standard #3: Emotional Engagement
The third standard Johnson provides is that partners must regularly and eagerly give each other special attention and affection. These moments remind your partner that you’re there for them and committed to your relationship. Emotional distance and the absence of engagement can inspire partners to feel doubt, anxiety, and resentment.
(Shortform note: The authors of The Love Prescription explain that emotional engagement doesn’t have to involve grand romantic gestures to be successful. You just need to be thoughtful and consistent. They discovered through research that the longest-lasting, healthiest relationships are built on small, daily acts of love: everything from holding hands to asking deep questions and paying close attention to your partner’s answers. Even minor gestures like this, when done frequently, help you and your partner appreciate each other more and remind each other of how much you care.)
How a Lack of Emotional Security Leads to Conflict
When partners don’t meet these three healthy relationship standards, Johnson says they’ll experience a lack of emotional security—the primary cause of most serious relationship conflicts. She explains how this plays out: When people feel emotionally unsafe or isolated from their partner, they get scared and upset. Then, because they don’t feel safe sharing those feelings, they respond with irrational and unproductive defense mechanisms (which we’ll discuss in Part 2) that then lead to conflict. They also create a hostile environment where both partners feel even less safe opening up, starting a negative feedback loop.
(Shortform note: The authors of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work explain the emotional insecurity Johnson describes as a form of fight-or-flight response. When you’re under enough emotional stress, your body responds as though you’re in physical danger. Your heart rate and blood pressure go up, and you stop thinking rationally. Instead, you impulsively do whatever makes you feel safe in the conflict, whether that’s “fighting” by ramping up the confrontation or “fleeing” by shutting down.)
Explore Emotional Security Further
To better understand emotional security in relationships, take a look at these Shortform guides mentioned throughout this article:
