How to Handle Criticism: 8 Ways to Stay Grounded & Composed

Nobody enjoys being criticized, but it’s an unavoidable part of life. The good news is that you can learn how to handle criticism with grace and even use it to your advantage. Whether you’re dealing with harsh feedback at work, online trolls, or well-meaning advice that stings, you can stay composed and grow stronger.

Keep reading to learn eight strategies from Dale Carnegie, Jefferson Fisher, and other experts that will help you master the art of handling criticism in a healthy way that actually puts you ahead.

#1: Stay Grounded in Reality

When criticism comes your way, it’s easy to spiral into extreme thinking—either believing you’re worthless or defensively insisting you’re beyond reproach. The truth is more balanced: You’re a valuable person who sometimes makes mistakes. Handling criticism well means accepting three fundamental realities about yourself and human nature.

Reality #1: You’re Not Perfect

In the classic book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnegie urges you to stop worrying about criticism because, just like any other human, you’re imperfect and can make mistakes; criticism comes with the territory. You’ll survive.

No matter what you do, someone will criticize you. A decision that might be best for one group of people can easily cause outrage among another.

Reality #2: You’re Not the Center of Attention

Carnegie explains that it’s typical to respond to criticism by assuming everyone has the same opinion and they’re all gossiping about you. Keep in mind that most people aren’t thinking about you and don’t care about singular criticisms that have been made about you. Everyone is far more concerned with their own lives and the criticisms they receive.

Reality #3: You’re More Than What You Do

Austin Kleon (Show Your Work!) argues it’s easier to keep criticism from getting to you if you separate your identity from your work. Focus on being a friend, a spouse, a parent, a community member—not just a producer.

#2: Determine Whether the Criticism Is Justified

Carnegie makes the important distinction between justified and unjustified criticism. To combat the natural tendency to immediately shut down when you’re criticized, train yourself to take a moment of reflection and consider whether the criticism has any legitimacy:

• As referenced in the first point, do a reality check. Remember that, just like everyone else, you’re imperfect.
• Ask yourself, is this criticism justified? Is there any truth to it at all?

(Shortform note: Even criticism that’s intended to hurt you can have some legitimacy. As far as possible, detach the critique from the person and the tone, and look at it impartially. If the same feedback comes from multiple sources, it’s more likely to have some truth to it. Also, keep in mind that criticism can be a mixed bag of truth and lies.)

#3: React With Composure & Wisdom

According to Jefferson Fisher in The Next Conversation, people who insult you, put you down, or act rudely are trying to upset you. When you get angry or hurt, they feel powerful. The best response to criticism is to stay calm and not give them the satisfaction they seek from your response. Instead of reacting emotionally, consider these approaches:

1. Use a long pause to let their words echo back. Staying silent takes away the reaction the other person wants to get out of you and makes them rethink what they said.

2. Repeat what they said or ask them to repeat what they said. When people have to repeat an insult, they often feel uncomfortable with their own words.

3. Ask a question about their intent or desired outcome. For example, you might ask if they meant to make you feel bad with what they said or if they intended to sound harsh. These questions force them to think about their behavior and often lead to an apology or clarification.

#4: Change the Way You Perceive Criticism

The book Unoffendable by Einzelgänger aims to help readers learn how to respond to criticism and find inner peace. He suggests that you can keep conflicts from escalating by changing how you perceive insults. When someone directs an insult at you, it typically reveals more about their emotional state and mindset than it does about your actual character. By responding to criticism in ways that don’t match the provocative intent behind them, you can effectively prevent situations from developing into heated confrontations.

For example, when someone calls you unintelligent, resist the natural urge to defend your intellectual abilities. Instead, consider that people who resort to insults are often projecting their own insecurities and frustrations onto others. By maintaining your composure and emotional distance, Einzelgänger says you can neutralize someone’s attempts to belittle you while protecting yourself from the negative emotional impact of their words.

(Shortform note: Throughout history, many philosophical and religious traditions have emphasized the value of responding to insults with patience and understanding, prioritizing internal peace over external validation. This approach aligns with modern psychological insights, particularly the concept of projection, which suggests that people often attribute their own undesirable feelings or traits to others. When you understand that insults frequently reflect the insulter’s own issues rather than your true character, you can respond more effectively. This strategy demands a high degree of emotional intelligence, including both self-awareness and self-regulation, as you must consciously control your reactions and choose responses that defuse rather than escalate conflicts. By maintaining composure, you can disrupt the expected emotional response, effectively disarming aggressors by denying them the reaction they seek and potentially causing them to reconsider their approach.)

Next Level: Take Unfair Criticism as a Compliment 

Einzelgänger’s advice echoes some of what Carnegie writes: When you’re criticized unfairly or for no particular reason, it’s usually because your critic needs to feel more powerful or important than you. Their criticism says much more about them than it does about you. 

Carnegie goes a bit further and suggests you take unjustified criticism as a compliment. It’s a sign that you’re accomplished enough to garner criticism, and whatever you’re doing is worth envy and attention.

For example, in 1909 Admiral Peary became the first explorer to reach the North Pole, gaining much publicity and praise all over the world. This made his superior naval officers—who hadn’t achieved anything nearly so remarkable—insane with envy. They publicly criticized Peary’s character and work ethic, going so far as to suggest he was a fraud who wasn’t exploring the North Pole at all, instead hoarding the money for scientific expeditions for his own benefit.

#5: Understand Your Typical Reaction to Criticism

Einzelgänger suggests that, when you face criticism, you can better understand your psychological tendencies and develop healthier responses by examining your typical reactions to insults.

The key is to become aware of your automatic mental responses when someone directs negative comments toward you. Observe the thoughts and emotions that arise when you encounter criticism or mockery. It’s particularly important to notice how your mind often leaps to negative conclusions—triggering emotions such as irritation, bitterness, unease, or melancholy.

When someone questions your intelligence through insults, your immediate reaction might be to doubt yourself, view yourself as a failure, or feel chronically inadequate. These thoughts then become fertile ground for emotions such as shame, anger, or sadness to take root. However, by observing this mental process objectively, Einzelgänger contends you can create distance from your automatic reactions and develop more thoughtful responses.

#6: Be Your Own Worst Critic

Dale Carnegie writes that you can minimize the chances of being taken by surprise by others’ criticism when you routinely examine and critique yourself. Doing so also gives you the opportunity to learn how criticism of your work can yield positive results on your own, less emotionally charged terms.

For example, Charles Darwin spent 15 years going over his work before submitting it for peer review—finding plenty of opportunities to improve his work and think about areas of his research that might be especially called into question and need defense. In doing so, he was able to avoid the stressful and embarrassing experience of being proven wrong or criticized in front of others and was fully prepared to defend himself against questioning without becoming flustered or emotional.

#7: Let Criticism Elevate You

Austin Kleon argues that, when you invite criticism, you inoculate yourself to it and learn how to take it better. Carnegie agrees that you should welcome feedback that comes from a place of sincerity and kindness rather than spite or malice. He contends that the best way to deal with this justified criticism is to recognize that it’s a valuable learning opportunity. Rationally, you probably know that you learn more from those who honestly criticize you or push back against your decisions than you learn from those who dishonestly praise you and blindly go along with your ideas.

Carnegie tells the story of a Colgate salesman who, when he wasn’t able to make a sale, would ask the non-buyer for feedback on his sales pitch. Their criticism was sincere and helpful, and he took it to heart and changed his methods based on what vendors suggested was working or not working. This attitude helped him improve his sales methods and move up the ladder until he was eventually president of the company.

#8: Strive to Do What You Believe Is Right

Carnegie suggests that you stop trying to please everyone and basing your decisions and actions on whatever you believe will draw the least amount of criticism. Instead, focus on doing what you believe is right. When you believe in your heart that you did the best possible thing, it’s much easier to let criticisms bounce off of you instead of internalizing and worrying about them.

Above all, Carnegie writes, remember that the outcome of your decision—not the criticism or praise you receive for your decision—is what matters:

• If you make a decision that draws criticism but results in a positive outcome, it doesn’t matter that people didn’t like your decision. It ended well, despite their criticism.
• If you make a decision that receives praise but results in a negative outcome, it doesn’t matter that people praised your decision. It ended badly, despite their praise.

Similarly, Kleon advises that you just keep moving forward when you’re criticized. Criticism will come; don’t let it stop you. Just keep doing your best work; not everyone will be a fan.

Exercises to Help You Deal With Criticism

Create a “Reaction Journal” to track and analyze your feelings when you’re criticized. Each time you feel stung by criticism, jot down the situation, your immediate emotional response, and any physical sensations. Over time, this can help you identify patterns in your reactions and develop a more mindful response to these situations.

Develop a personal “Composure Cue Card” with bullet points of calming strategies that work for you, such as deep breathing or visualizing a serene place. Keep this card in your wallet or on your phone for quick access when you need to regain balance in stressful moments. When stuck in traffic or facing an uncomfortable confrontation, instead of getting frustrated, you could use the card to remind yourself to practice deep breathing, turning a stressful moment into an opportunity for calm.

Practice self-critique before others do. Choose one project or decision you’re working on and spend time examining it from a critical perspective. Write down potential weaknesses, areas for improvement, and questions others might raise. This exercise helps you become comfortable with criticism on your own terms and prepares you to respond thoughtfully rather than defensively.

Engage in a role-reversal exercise with a trusted friend where you each present a situation involving criticism and then argue the opposite perspective. If you feel hurt by someone’s negative feedback, try arguing from their point of view. This can help you see the situation from another angle and challenge your initial reaction, making it easier to assess whether the criticism has merit.

Explore Further

To learn more about handling criticism in the broader context of communication and relationships, read Shortform’s full guides to the books where these ideas come from:

• How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie
• The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher
• Show Your Work! by Austin Kleon