Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner: Book Overview

Have you ever felt torn between two cultures? Do you struggle to connect with your heritage while living in a different country?

Michelle Zauner's Crying in H Mart book explores these complex feelings. This memoir delves into Zauner's journey as a Korean-American, her relationship with her mother, and how food became a bridge to her cultural identity.

Let's dive into Zauner's poignant story and discover how she navigates grief, identity, and the power of shared meals.

Overview of Crying in H Mart

In the poignant memoir Crying in H Mart book, Michelle Zauner recounts her personal journey navigating the complexities of cultural identity and her evolving bond with her Korean heritage. She opens up about the emotional and practical challenges of caring for her terminally ill mother, and the profound grief she experienced following her mother's passing.

The book explores Zauner's path towards acceptance and healing, finding solace in cherishing her mother's memory through culinary traditions. Cooking traditional Korean dishes helps Zauner strengthen her connection to her cultural roots, providing comfort during her grieving process.

Navigating Cultural Identity

Michelle Zauner's journey as a mixed Korean-American is a central theme in Crying in H Mart. Growing up with a Korean mother and a Caucasian father, Zauner often felt caught between two worlds, struggling to find her place and embrace her Korean heritage.

During her formative years, Zauner grappled with feelings of isolation and found it challenging to connect with her Korean background. Her mixed racial heritage often made her feel like an outsider, drawing attention and affecting her sense of belonging. This struggle was compounded by her family's complex history, including her Korean grandmother's efforts to support the family by selling yukgaejang after Zauner's grandfather left.

Zauner's relationship with her Korean heritage was a mix of cultural pride and bewilderment. She recalls peculiar customs, like her mother wearing cowboy boots indoors for comfort, which were part of their celebration of Korean culture. As a teenager, Zauner tried to blend into suburban American life, which deeply impacted her cultural alignment. She sought approval from those who were hesitant to accept her mixed cultural background, further complicating her sense of identity.

The Mother-Daughter Bond

Zauner's connection to her Korean roots was primarily established through her mother. Traditional cooking practices and significant behaviors during times of mourning, such as when Zauner's grandmother passed away, strengthened this bond. Her mother's public expression of sorrow emphasized the depth of her cultural roots.

The complexity of Zauner's cultural identity struggles became apparent when, while making gimbap and discussing Korean customs, her mother observed, "Your identity is American, not Korean." This statement highlights the internal conflict Zauner faced, feeling both connected to and detached from her Korean heritage.

Rediscovering Korean Roots

Zauner's trips to Korea with her mother played a crucial role in strengthening her connection to her Korean roots. These experiences immersed her in Korean culture, helping her develop a deep and intuitive understanding of the language. She cultivated a refined palate for Korean dishes, like chilled buckwheat noodles, during her biennial visits to Seoul.

In Korea, Zauner felt a sense of validation that contrasted sharply with her experiences in Eugene, where she was often primarily seen through the lens of her Asian identity. In Seoul, her distinctive looks were admired, aligning with the beauty standards her mother had previously shared with her.

These return trips to her ancestral land allowed Zauner to engage deeply with Gangnam's vibrant cultural scene and develop a strong connection to the region's culinary traditions. This, in turn, reinforced her connection to her own lineage and helped her better understand her place in the world.

Preserving Korean Heritage

As an adult, Zauner took on the responsibility of preserving her cultural heritage. She worked diligently to master the culinary arts passed down from her ancestors and explore the customs associated with her heritage. Despite the challenge of ambiguous recipe instructions, Zauner tackled Korean cooking with the same fervor as her mother and grandmother.

Zauner frequently visited a local Korean grocery store, which reflected her deep desire to connect with her cultural heritage and collect experiences that echoed her Korean background. In her kitchen, she honed her skills in Korean cooking, using utensils inherited from her mother, perfecting traditional dishes, and experimenting with innovative culinary creations.

Honoring Mother's Memory

Zauner's commitment to honoring her mother's memory is evident throughout the book. She shares culinary adventures and narratives that exemplify her mother's core culinary lessons. Zauner eagerly shares her passion for traditional Korean dishes and practices with her friends, including her unique kimchi creations, while maintaining the preservation methods her mother taught her.

Her stories of music, culinary experiences, and her showcase in Seoul all reflect her dedication to preserving her mother's legacy. Every endeavor, whether making gimbap or displaying her artwork in her mother's birth city, was a tribute that maintained her connection to her Korean heritage and carried on the precious legacy her mother had given her.

Caring for a Terminally Ill Parent

Zauner faced significant emotional and practical challenges while caring for her mother, who was diagnosed with stage IV squamous-cell carcinoma. She put her career on hold, cleared out her house, and devoted an entire summer to looking after her mother, intending to resume her professional journey depending on her mother's recovery.

The intense supervision required led to a significant transformation in Zauner's relationship with her father. She meticulously managed her mother's daily food intake and medication, taking on the demanding task of meeting her nutritional needs as her health deteriorated.

As her mother's condition worsened, Zauner was overwhelmed with feelings of powerlessness and remorse, wondering if she should have intervened sooner. She recounts the challenges of maintaining her mother's dignity while providing consistent care, highlighting the relentless struggle with her mother's constant discomfort and the gradually diminishing efficacy of pain medication.

Coping With Loss

The passing of Zauner's mother following a period of intense illness left her in deep emotional distress. During her mother's decline, Zauner grappled with the desire to shoulder her mother's suffering. She was profoundly affected by witnessing her mother's diminishing vitality, which led to significant emotional and physical impacts on Zauner herself, including weight loss and thinning hair.

Zauner explores the distressing details of her mother's hospitalization and the challenging decisions regarding her medical care. Brief moments of hope were quickly overshadowed by the bleak prospects facing her mother. As her health deteriorated, increasingly complex care strategies were needed, including considerations of hydration-focused diets and difficult decisions about medical procedures such as intubation or moving towards palliative care.

The final days were marked by severe confusion and turmoil, with a deep realization that her mother's life was coming to an end. Zauner and her father remained silent in their home, witnessing her mother's laborious efforts to breathe, the unsettling sound of her labored breaths piercing the quiet.

The Grieving Process

In the aftermath of her mother's passing, Zauner's emotional expressions and pilgrimages to the gravesite demonstrated her struggle to fully grasp the depth of her sorrow. Her journey through grief included the heartrending sight of her mother on a stretcher, stepping forward to organize the memorial services, and finding comfort in dreams and memories.

Zauner's reflections show a profound quest for solace in her mother's cherished keepsakes, along with a resolute dedication to maintaining her mother's heritage. Her path through sorrow wasn't marked by separate stages, but through moving stories, we gain an understanding of her methods for coping with bereavement and her progression toward peace and resolution.

Initial Coping Strategies

Initially, Zauner dealt with her grief by diving into work and other pursuits. She faced her grief during the funeral services and grappled with different methods to come to terms with her loss. Zauner reflects on her regret for engaging in traditional mourning rituals and the societal pressures to adhere to standard displays of grief.

Contemplating her role in the family dynamic, Zauner came to understand that her aspirations and the process of looking at old photographs provided a structure for comprehending her grief, which was inextricably linked to her relationship with her mother. She also grappled with anger and a tendency to withdraw after her father's car accident, revealing the profound turmoil and complex array of emotions that surface following a catastrophic event.

Work as a Coping Mechanism

Zauner's shift to using employment as a mechanism for adjustment highlights her pursuit to maintain guidance and influence in her life. She immersed herself in a range of pursuits, including a rigorous fitness routine and managing numerous responsibilities within a busy kitchen, to manage her grief.

Her resolve is evident in various situations, whether she's persevering through the challenge of baking a pie in a smoke-engulfed kitchen or embarking on a musical quest that could pay tribute to her mother's heritage or channel her own energy. This journey, which might seem like an attempt to embody the ideal daughter, could also be interpreted as a route towards her personal healing, perhaps as a homage to her mother.

Finding Healing Through Food

The narrative underscores how integral the process of preparing food and culinary practices were to Zauner's path to healing. Her careful preparation of Korean cuisine enhances her bond with her cultural roots and her mother, evoking deep-seated memories.

Cooking serves as a soothing activity that simultaneously strengthens her relationship with her mother. Zauner pays tribute to her mother and enhances her spirits by carefully participating in an online cooking course or by affectionately preparing seaweed soup on her birthday, both activities serving as significant ways to nurture herself and honor her mother's memory. The regular practice of preparing kimchi becomes a soothing tradition that links her to her Korean roots and the nation's past.

Embracing Korean Heritage

Zauner's reflection on her cultural identity is intertwined with her journey through grief. She cultivates a renewed appreciation for her Korean roots, taking joy in everything from the specialized refrigerator designed for kimchi at her household to the cherished traditional dishes prepared by her aunt.

She laments the lost opportunities to engage more deeply with her heritage, a sentiment that resonates as she strives to foster the culture within her. Zauner's commitment to authentically recreating classic recipes is underscored by her careful crafting of a meal that mirrors her mother's pork belly ssam, emphasizing the powerful connection between cultural heritage and memory in the path to healing.

Through this process of embracing her Korean heritage, Zauner discovers happiness and a revitalized identity. She finds solace and strength in valuing the culture that her mother held so close to her heart, allowing her to honor her mother's memory while also forging her own path forward.