Book SummaryShe Comes First, by Ian Kerner

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of She Comes First

Ideas regarding sex in traditional mainstream culture are centered around male anatomy and satisfaction—penetration is the pinnacle of sex, and we know sex is over when the man ejaculates. However, Ian Kerner explains that these beliefs often leave women unsatisfied. In She Comes First, Kerner explains that for sex to adequately satisfy both partners, we need to change the narrative—men need to make sure their female partner “comes” first. And the best way to accomplish this, Kerner argues, is by focusing on cunnilingus.

Ian Kerner is a psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor who specializes in sex therapy, couples therapy, and relational issues that lead to distress. He received his doctorate in Clinical Sexology from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists where he is currently a faculty member. Kerner began focusing on female pleasure because he struggled with premature ejaculation and...

She Comes First Summary Male-Centric Sexual Misconceptions

Kerner explains that traditional beliefs about sex—like what it’s supposed to entail, how long it’s supposed to last, and how to know when it’s over—are based on male anatomy and rarely result in female orgasm. So the first step in learning how to please your female partner is to understand what these beliefs are and why they prevent female orgasms.

The Impact of Male-Centric Sexual Beliefs

Kener’s assertion that traditional beliefs about sex are based on male anatomy isn’t new and has been repeated by numerous sex experts; however, many believe that the consequences of these beliefs are more far-reaching than Kerner discusses. Kerner focuses primarily on the fact that male-centric sexual beliefs lead to fewer female orgasms. However, In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski adds that these beliefs also cause poor well-being and unrealistic self-expectations for women.

She elaborates that women feel pressured to meet male sexual expectations regarding appearance and performance. Women are expected to have small, contained...

She Comes First Summary Female Sexual Anatomy

To make sure your female partner has a satisfying orgasm, Kerner says you must understand her sexual anatomy—where her pleasure points are, how to stimulate them, and how her body reaches orgasm.

(Shortform note: The above diagram serves as a point of reference for the “Female Sexual Anatomy” section as well as the “How to Achieve Female Orgasm” section.)

The Clitoral Network

Kerner explains that all female orgasms come from clitoral stimulation. The clitoris nerve network is spread throughout the female sexual region. The outside of this region is called the vulva and the inside is called the vagina.

The clitoris is primarily stimulated from the vulva where the nerves are most sensitive—only a small bundle of clitoral nerves can be stimulated from inside the vagina. Kerner elaborates that the external clitoral nerves are extremely sensitive (much more than the penis) which is why cunnilingus is the best way to stimulate them—the tongue is soft, gentle, and can be far more precise than your penis or fingers.

**The most sensitive part of the clitoral network, and the...

She Comes First Summary How to Achieve Female Orgasm

Now that you understand the basic functions of female sexual anatomy, it’s time to focus on when, how, and where to touch your female partner so you can walk her through each stage of the sexual response process until she reaches orgasm. Kerner breaks this process down into three steps: foreplay, cunnilingus, and after-play.

This section will lay out Kerner’s techniques for how to get her aroused with foreplay, how to make her orgasm with cunnilingus, and how to continue the fun after she orgasms with after-play.

Foreplay

Kerner defines foreplay as everything that comes before clitoral stimulation. He explains that stimulating your female partner before touching her clitoris is necessary because women require anticipation to become properly aroused.

(Shortform note: Kerner says that foreplay—stimulating your partner before touching her clitoris—is fundamental for a sexual encounter because women require anticipation to become properly aroused. This is because whereas [sex begins in the body for...

Shortform Exercise: Spark Her Arousal

Kerner explains that before you begin to touch your partner's clitoris, you need to get her sufficiently aroused. To do this, you should engage in at least 10-15 minutes of foreplay. However, you can start the arousal process hours in advance if you plan ahead.

Based on Kerner’s foreplay advice, what kind of sexy hints might you give your partner in the hours before your session to spark her arousal and let her know you want her? (For example, you might send her sexy texts or photos, ask her suggestive questions, or gift her some new lingerie.) List a few ideas here.