{"id":98563,"date":"2023-04-05T09:24:00","date_gmt":"2023-04-05T13:24:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=98563"},"modified":"2023-04-11T13:25:06","modified_gmt":"2023-04-11T17:25:06","slug":"how-to-have-a-successful-marriage-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-have-a-successful-marriage-2\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Have a Successful Marriage: 3 Areas to Improve On"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What role does blame play in a marriage? How can you get through the tough times? When should you “recommit”?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

David Brooks argues that you should embrace relationalism\u2014the worldview that prioritizes selflessness and service to others\u2014to lead a deeply fulfilling life<\/a>. That includes enjoying a satisfying marriage. In The Second Mountain<\/em>, he offers recommendations for how to have a successful marriage<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read on to learn how to keep a marriage commitment strong, based on the relationalist approach to life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How to Have a Successful Marriage<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Brooks shares his advice on how to have a successful marriage, arguing that you must grow in three areas: You must become more empathetic; you must learn to communicate more effectively; and you must practice recommitting to your spouse.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, Brooks observes that all marriages occasionally go through periods of tension, in which both parties believe their needs aren\u2019t being met. In unhappy marriages, these periods lead to reciprocal blame, with neither party accepting responsibility<\/a> for their role in the strife. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To have a successful marriage, however, you\u2019ll have to learn empathy through these tense periods. For example, you\u2019ll have to learn how your spouse reacts when they feel frustrated, and how to tend to their needs in these moments. Consequently, rather than blaming your spouse for their shortcomings, you\u2019ll learn to step back and understand your role in the conflict. This helps you avoid perpetuating cycles of frustration that cause marriages to deteriorate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Although Brooks argues that developing empathy is essential for a healthy marriage, he doesn\u2019t offer actionable advice for doing so. To that end, experts offer various strategies for becoming more empathetic<\/a>. For instance, allow yourself to embrace your own <\/em>emotions first since this increases the emotional tolerance you need to be empathetic toward others. Moreover, rather than attempting to \u201csolve\u201d the negative emotions that your spouse tells you about, simply offer them an open ear.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a similar vein, Brooks argues that healthy marriages require learning how best to communicate with your spouse<\/strong>. To show as much, Brooks cites John and Julie Gottman\u2019s research on communication within relationships. As Brooks relates, the Gottmans found that successful marriages require at least five conversational attempts for connection\u2014what they call \u201ctoward bids\u201d\u2014for every one attempt to squash connection\u2014what they call \u201cagainst bids.\u201d So, more generally, Brooks concludes that spouses must learn to communicate lovingly with each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: One reason healthy marriages need a disproportionately large ratio of toward bids to against bids is negativity bias<\/a><\/em>\u2014our tendency to weigh negative information far more heavily than positive information<\/a>. Because negativity bias leads us to overemphasize against bids, it\u2019s not enough to just have slightly more toward bids; rather, toward bids must constitute the majority of communication.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, Brooks argues that a happy marriage requires learning how to recommit to your spouse. According to Brooks, recommitment is necessary during two crises that most marriages experience. First, when you have children, you\u2019ll be tempted to focus on the simple, rapturous love that you have for your children and downplay your more complex relationship with your spouse. And second, when you reach middle age, you\u2019ll be tempted to blame your spouse for the general feeling of dissatisfaction and loneliness that many people experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brooks claims that, to weather these crises, you must buckle down and practice acts of commitment once more. For example, you\u2019ll have to commit to listening to your spouse when they\u2019re feeling hurt and to admit your own shortcomings in the marriage. In so doing, Brooks argues that this recommitment creates a second, more permanent love that can\u2019t be shaken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Additional Steps to Create a Thriving Marriage<\/strong>

In addition to Brooks\u2019s suggestions, relationship experts John Gottman<\/a> and Nan Silver list various principles for creating a thriving marriage in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/em><\/a>. For instance, Gottman and Silver claim that a successful marriage requires you to:

Continue getting to know your spouse<\/a>, which stimulates further connection.

Communicate affection for your spouse<\/a>, which reminds them that you still love and care for them.

Be receptive to your spouse\u2019s concerns and requests<\/a>, which conveys respect and shows that you value their opinions.

According to Gottman and Silver, each of these principles is crucial for cultivating your friendship with your spouse\u2014and that<\/em>, they argue, is the most important factor for having a happy marriage<\/a>.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What role does blame play in a marriage? How can you get through the tough times? When should you “recommit”? David Brooks argues that you should embrace relationalism\u2014the worldview that prioritizes selflessness and service to others\u2014to lead a deeply fulfilling life. That includes enjoying a satisfying marriage. In The Second Mountain, he offers recommendations for how to have a successful marriage. Read on to learn how to keep a marriage commitment strong, based on the relationalist approach to life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":34887,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,43],"tags":[972],"class_list":["post-98563","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-the-second-mountain","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Have a Successful Marriage: 3 Areas to Improve On - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"David Brooks shares his advice on how to have a successful marriage, arguing that you must grow in three areas. 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