{"id":98556,"date":"2023-04-06T09:11:00","date_gmt":"2023-04-06T13:11:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=98556"},"modified":"2023-04-11T13:25:08","modified_gmt":"2023-04-11T17:25:08","slug":"how-to-find-the-right-partner-for-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-find-the-right-partner-for-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Before “I Do”: How to Find the Right Partner for Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

How can you mitigate the risk of divorce? What personality traits should you look for? How many different types of love<\/a> do you need?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

David Brooks takes the relationalist approach to life. In The Second Mountain<\/em>, he outlines the four commitments that are crucial to relationalism<\/a>. One of these is marriage, and he shares his criteria for deciding whether to marry someone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read more to learn Brooks’s advice for how to find the right partner for marriage<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How to Find the Right Partner for Marriage<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Because marriage is such a major commitment, you should learn first how to find the right partner for marriage. Brooks claims that, before committing to marry someone, you should spend time reflecting on your decision. In particular, he argues that you should evaluate your partner along psychological, emotional, and ethical lines before marrying them<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You should do so, he writes, because rapturous love alone doesn\u2019t guarantee the success of a marriage. On the contrary, Brooks observes that many married couples initially experience such love, only to eventually get divorced. So, it makes sense to rationally assess your partner to mitigate the risk of the marriage eventually failing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Research bears out Brooks\u2019s contention that feelings of love aren\u2019t sufficient for a successful marriage<\/a>. On the contrary, an influential study found that respect <\/em>for one\u2019s partner is most strongly correlated with relationship satisfaction<\/a>, more so than feelings of romantic affection. Consequently, relationships that were built solely on romantic affection without respect are not likely to last.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, Brooks argues that you should assess your partner\u2019s personality to look for any underlying red flags; since personality traits are mostly stable for adults, any red flags are unlikely to disappear after marriage. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Though Brooks considers various personality traits, he specifically addresses attachment style<\/a><\/em>\u2014the way that you deal with commitment in relationships. People with anxious attachment<\/a> styles, who constantly fear abandonment in relationships, have higher divorce rates, while those with secure attachment styles<\/a>, who feel stable in relationships, have lower divorce rates. So, Brooks implies we should generally prefer to marry those with secure attachment styles<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: While attachment theory<\/a> has spawned an enormous literature, its founder John Bowlby\u2019s claim that attachment styles develop through our relationships with childhood caregivers<\/a> remains the consensus view. According to Bowlby, children with responsive, present caregivers are likely to develop secure attachment styles, whereas those with less responsive, inconsistent caregivers are likely to develop anxious attachment styles.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next, Brooks argues that you should carefully evaluate the nature of your feelings toward your partner. To do so, he distinguishes among three types of love: romantic love, friendship, and selfless charity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Brooks, all three forms of love are necessary to sustain a marriage<\/strong>. If, for example, you only feel romantic love toward someone, Brooks claims that you\u2019re merely infatuated. On the other hand, if you feel friendship and charity toward someone, but lack romantic love, you might cultivate a deep friendship without romantic feelings. So, to form the well-rounded love needed for marriage, you need all three.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Psychologist Robert Sternberg has defended a triangular theory of love that bears similarities to Brooks\u2019s account. According to Sternberg, consummate love <\/em>has three dimensions: intimacy, passion, and commitment<\/a>. Yet, while Sternberg\u2019s notions of intimacy and passion correspond to Brooks\u2019s notions of friendship and romantic love, Sternberg replaces selfless charity with commitment\u2014the decision to actively maintain your relationship.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, Brooks concludes that it\u2019s crucial to marry someone whose character you admire. <\/strong>Specifically, he argues that admiration of your partner will carry you through difficult times, like when your love feels stagnant. Moreover, because marriage is a promise, you should marry someone with integrity\u2014someone who keeps their promises, rather than breaking them at the first sign of hardship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In Nicomachean Ethics<\/em><\/a>, Aristotle similarly argues that the highest form of friendship can only exist between two virtuous individuals<\/a>. So, assuming that you\u2019re friends with your spouse, it stands to reason that the same is true in a marriage.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

How can you mitigate the risk of divorce? What personality traits should you look for? How many different types of love do you need? David Brooks takes the relationalist approach to life. In The Second Mountain, he outlines the four commitments that are crucial to relationalism. One of these is marriage, and he shares his criteria for deciding whether to marry someone. Read more to learn Brooks’s advice for how to find the right partner for marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":10383,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[972],"class_list":["post-98556","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-the-second-mountain","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nBefore "I Do": How to Find the Right Partner for Marriage - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Because marriage is such a major commitment, you should learn first how to find the right partner. 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