{"id":98266,"date":"2023-04-10T13:52:00","date_gmt":"2023-04-10T17:52:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=98266"},"modified":"2023-04-12T11:04:15","modified_gmt":"2023-04-12T15:04:15","slug":"longing-for-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/longing-for-love\/","title":{"rendered":"Longing for the Perfect Love: Is It Healthy?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Why do we long for love or seek out a soulmate? Is longing for love healthy?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In her book <em>Bittersweet<\/em>, Susan Cain explores the complexities of our desire for love and connection. While some argue that longing for an ideal love is natural and sacred, others warn that seeking a perfect partner can prevent us from finding <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/tal-ben-shahar-happiness\/\">true happiness<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Read on to learn about the advantages and disadvantages of longing for love, according to Cain. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-longing-for-the-perfect-love\">Longing for the Perfect Love&nbsp;<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>In her book <em>Bittersweet<\/em>, Susan Cain notes that <strong>for some of us, longing manifests in our romantic lives.<\/strong> We find ourselves longing for love\u2014for the perfect person who we feel will complete us. According to Cain, some people argue that this longing for love is natural, beautiful, and even sacred. It\u2019s one of our most important desires because we all want to belong and feel understood.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Where the Soulmate Connection Comes From<\/strong><br><br>Where does the deep <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/sense-of-connectedness\/\">feeling of connection<\/a> and understanding we have with a \u201csoulmate\u201d come from? Some psychologists argue it <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings\/201402\/what-makes-a-soulmate\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">derives from communicating nonverbally with our partner.<\/a> Couples with soulmate-level intimacy respond unconsciously to each other\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/\">body language<\/a> and facial expressions\u2014for instance, someone may unconsciously pick up on sorrow in their partner\u2019s eyes and send a reassuring glance back.&nbsp;<br><br>Additionally, these couples can understand each other\u2019s voice cues, including subtle changes in the stress or pitch of their partner\u2019s voice. As they pick up on mutual <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/nonverbal-cues\/\">nonverbal cues<\/a> that signal different moods, they begin to share the same emotions, so their subjective experience of the world becomes intertwined.&nbsp;<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-is-seeking-a-perfect-partner-healthy\">Is Seeking a Perfect Partner Healthy?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Cain, <strong>others suggest that our longing for love and to find a <em>perfect<\/em> partner prevents us from finding someone who\u2019s imperfect but good for us.<\/strong> Everyone has unique flaws, so we\u2019ll never be entirely compatible with anyone. When dating, if we exclude everyone we\u2019re not perfectly suited to, we\u2019ll end up alone. Additionally, if we hold onto the dream that we\u2019ll someday find our perfect \u201cother half,\u201d we\u2019ll be unable to appreciate the good qualities of our current partner.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: As the research Cain cites suggests, longing for love to the point that you wait to find a perfect partner can be problematic because it leaves you unable to accept that everyone (including you) has flaws. That\u2019s not the only issue with this mindset, however\u2014searching for a perfect partner also becomes unhealthy when <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/stronger-the-broken-places\/201901\/who-s-responsible-your-happiness\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">you look for someone who brings you <em>perfect happiness<\/em>.<\/a> When you place responsibility for your happiness on a romantic partner, you may resent or blame them when you\u2019re <em>unhappy<\/em>. This can create a codependent dynamic. When you instead take ownership of your own happiness, you\u2019ll leave yourself open to real, healthy love.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>These people argue that, to improve our relationships, <strong>we should spend energy improving ourselves rather than trying to change the other person.<\/strong> No one\u2019s flawless, so we\u2019ll always have room to improve. Additionally, we can\u2019t force other people to become our ideal match, so we can only really change our relationships through our own actions. Finally, we should learn to accept our partner\u2019s flaws, instead of longing for a love that is unattainably perfect.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: When deciding whether you can accept a partner\u2019s faults, know the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.bustle.com\/p\/9-differences-between-accepting-tolerating-your-partner-10058335\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">difference between true acceptance and tolerance.<\/a> Acceptance is acknowledging that a certain characteristic is part of who your partner is, and they don\u2019t need to alter it for you to love them. You let go of all the resentment and frustration you have about the characteristic. In contrast, when you merely tolerate something, you hold onto your resentment, and you\u2019re still uncomfortable with the characteristic or behavior. Tolerance doesn\u2019t work long-term, as it leaves you in a state of exhaustion, constantly wishing your partner was different.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>When It\u2019s Okay to Change for Someone (and When It\u2019s Not)<\/strong><br><br>Altering ourselves to improve our relationships may feel wrong at first. We\u2019re frequently told that we should never have to change for another person and that our partner wouldn\u2019t ask us to change if they really loved us. That\u2019s not always true, though\u2014relationships are based on compromise, and as Cain\u2019s research suggests, there\u2019ll always be flaws that both you and your partner must either learn to accept in each other or work to overcome.&nbsp;<br><br>For most people, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.bustle.com\/articles\/61989-11-things-its-okay-to-change-about-yourself-for-someone-you-love-no-matter-what-anyone\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">acceptable things to change<\/a> include how you communicate with your partner and how you view the world (to an extent). For example, as your relationship progresses, you may communicate more openly with your partner. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-are-you-curious-about\/\">Your interests<\/a> might evolve to include more of what your partner enjoys. Likewise, your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/social-habits\/\">social habits<\/a>, health habits, home habits, argumentation style, and ideas about the future might change with a romantic partner. All of this could be natural and necessary to grow in a relationship.&nbsp;<br><br>That being said, there <em>are<\/em> certain <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/parts-of-the-self\/\">parts of yourself<\/a> you shouldn\u2019t have to change for someone else. If you feel like you have to change something about your core self or personality\u2014for example, your kind nature or your love of the outdoors\u2014to be with a person, they\u2019re probably not right for you.&nbsp;<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why do we long for love or seek out a soulmate? Is longing for love healthy? In her book Bittersweet, Susan Cain explores the complexities of our desire for love and connection. While some argue that longing for an ideal love is natural and sacred, others warn that seeking a perfect partner can prevent us from finding true happiness. Read on to learn about the advantages and disadvantages of longing for love, according to Cain.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":61444,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[975],"class_list":["post-98266","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-bittersweet","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Longing for the Perfect Love: Is It Healthy? - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Is longing for ideal love healthy? 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