{"id":9796,"date":"2020-06-24T01:16:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-24T05:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9796"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:42:00","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:42:00","slug":"crucial-conversations-examples","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Crucial Conversations Examples + What They Mean"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is a &#8220;crucial conversation,&#8221; and what are crucial conversation examples? How can these examples help you have better conversations?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The book <em>Crucial Conversations<\/em> provides strategies on how to find success through difficult conversations. These <em>Crucial Conversations<\/em> examples can help you make sense of what exactly it means to have a crucial conversation, and how to navigate examples of difficult conversations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">What Defines a Crucial Conversation?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em>Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes Are High, <\/em>authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler argue that <strong>many problems are caused by how people behave when they disagree with others about high-stakes, emotional issues<\/strong>. Organizational performance and the quality of relationships improve significantly when people learn the skills to handle these crucial conversations effectively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>A crucial conversation is a discussion characterized by high stakes, differing opinions, and strong emotions.<\/strong> Crucial conversations are often typical daily interactions as opposed to planned, high-level meetings. These conversations can have a huge impact on your life. Examples include: ending a relationship, asking a roommate to move out, resolving an issue with an ex-spouse, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-confront-a-coworker-professionally\/\">confronting a coworker<\/a> about his\/her behavior, or giving the boss critical feedback.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We often try to avoid having these conversations because we\u2019re afraid we\u2019ll make matters worse. And in fact, when we do have crucial conversations, we usually handle them badly. <strong>We behave our worst at the most critical moments<\/strong>. We may withdraw, or rage and say things we later regret. Situations where this happens are not good <em>Crucial Conversations<\/em> examples. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>A crucial conversation is a discussion characterized by high stakes, differing opinions, and strong emotions.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s an example of each of the criteria:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Differing opinions differ: You want a promotion but your boss thinks you\u2019re not ready.<\/li><li>High stakes: You and your coworkers are discussing how to change the company\u2019s failing marketing strategy.<\/li><li>Strong emotions: Your spouse thinks you were flirting at a party.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Examples of Crucial Conversations<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>These &#8220;crucial conversations&#8221; examples can help you decide how to handle crucial conversations in your life. As you read, try to think of examples of difficult conversations you&#8217;ve faced, and how you could handle them differently. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Crucial Conversation Example 1: Dividing the Family Estate<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>This is the first of the crucial conversations examples, and it&#8217;s a long one that discusses a situation that occurs over a longer time period. Here\u2019s an extended example to show the principles in action. It\u2019s a discussion between you and your sister on dividing your mother\u2019s estate, starting with the summer house. You want to be compensated for your expenses and hands-on care as your mother\u2019s primary caregiver, while you feel your sister hasn\u2019t contributed as much as you. This is clearly turning into a difficult conversation example. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You discuss selling the summer house to pay for your expenses in taking care of the mother. Your sister snaps back: \u201cDon\u2019t guilt-trip me. I was working just as hard at my job and I sent money back to take care of Mom. If I weren\u2019t traveling so much, I would have been happy to take care of her.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s clear the conversation is getting heated. Take a step back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/know-your-heart-crucial-conversations\/\">Know your heart<\/a>:<\/strong> Ask yourself what you really want (to be compensated fairly for money and time you contributed beyond what your sister contributed). Then ask yourself how you should best behave to achieve this goal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Make the conditions safe:<\/strong> You see that you lack <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mutual-purpose-crucial-conversations\/\">mutual purpose<\/a>. You\u2019re both defending your actions rather than discussing how to split the inheritance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Make the content safe:<\/strong> Use contrasting to help your sister understand <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/your-life-purpose\/\">your purpose<\/a>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>You: \u201cI don\u2019t want to drive a wedge between us, and I don\u2019t want to make you feel guilty. But I do want to talk about how I feel I took on the bulk of the responsibility over the last few years. It took a big strain on me.\u201d<\/li><li>Sister: \u201cI did just as much as you did. Don\u2019t you think I suffered?\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/control-your-emotions\/\">Control your emotions<\/a>:<\/strong> You feel strongly that you deserve more. Retrace <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/choose-your-own-path\/\">your path<\/a> to understand the facts driving your feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Share your stories:<\/strong> Share your facts and conclusions in a way that will make your sister feel safe in sharing her story.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>You: \u201cI spent a lot of my money taking care of Mom, and I gave up a lot of time and career options to take care of her personally, instead of hiring a nurse. I feel I did more caregiving than you did, and I feel it\u2019s fair to use what she left us to repay part of what I gave up.\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Explore others\u2019 paths<\/strong>: Use inquiry skills (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime) to explore your sister\u2019s views. Then use ABC skills (Agree, Build, Compare) to explain how your view differs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>You: \u201cDo you see it differently? I\u2019d really like to hear.\u201d<\/li><li>Sister: \u201cI know I was traveling a lot and wasn\u2019t around to take care of Mom in person as much as you. But I sent money back, and I visited whenever I could. I offered to pay for a nurse. I thought I was doing equal amounts of work as you, and so your complaint is coming out of nowhere.\u201d<\/li><li>You (mirror, paraphrase): \u201dSo you feel you were doing everything you could, and you\u2019re now surprised that I felt it was unequal?\u201d<\/li><li>Sister: \u201cYes.\u201d<\/li><li>You (agree, build, compare): \u201cI agree. You did help out a lot. Giving up money wasn\u2019t easy for you, and your travel to see us was expensive. In terms of the nurse, Mom preferred someone she knew to take care of her, so I stepped in. On top of this, one thing you might not know about is her expenses near the end got pretty high. The new medication was more expensive, and insurance covered just a part of her costs. It added up, and I never talked to you about it.\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Move from conversation to results<\/strong>: Come to a consensus on what will happen, who will do what by when, and how you will follow up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Sister: \u201cSo it\u2019s these expenses you want to cover? How about we look them over and decide how to pay for them?\u201d<\/li><li>You: \u201cSure &#8211; I\u2019ve kept a record of all of these and of your contributions. How about we tally them up, and if there\u2019s an inequality at the end, we use the inheritance to pay for the inequality first, then split the rest?\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>This is just one of the difficult conversations examples, but shows how a situation that could have easily gone badly was resolved. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Crucial Conversations Example 2: Greta the CEO<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>This is one of the crucial conversations examples that is about work. Here\u2019s an example of how switching your motives unconsciously due to emotion can affect your ability to stay in productive conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Greta, a corporate CEO, has been trying for months to get her top managers to cut costs, but they\u2019ve been dragging their feet. During a crucial conversation on the problem, a manager explains frankly why progress hasn\u2019t been made: Greta herself is the roadblock.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The manager explains that while Greta says she wants her team to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/cut-expenses\/\">cut expenses<\/a>, everyone knows that she\u2019s spending money building and decorating a new office for herself, which comes across as hypocritical. Greta responds to the manager\u2019s honesty by tensing up, looking as if she is under attack, and starting to point a finger. Her motive has changed: She is no longer focused on cost-cutting but on reasserting her authority or worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you come under pressure in a discussion, if you\u2019re not alert to our emotions, you may forget your original purpose (understanding and solving a problem by creating a shared pool of information) and switch to winning, punishing, or keeping the peace. This is an important example of difficult conversations because it shows how things can easily go wrong\u2014and how they can be fixed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Greta dodged the bullet by stopping her initial anger and <strong>remembering what she really wanted from the conversation<\/strong>: Her goal was to encourage the managers to embrace the cost-reduction efforts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When she realized that the barrier was the staff\u2019s belief that she was a hypocrite, she went from feeling angry to being grateful that by speaking up her manager had given her the opportunity to address the problem. Instead of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/expressing-anger\/\">expressing anger<\/a>, she expressed openness and interest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She explained that her new office was part of a marketing effort to create a different image.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, she admitted that she hadn\u2019t paid enough attention to the cost. A candid conversation followed and they agreed to move ahead with the building project, but to cut costs in half.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Because Greta remained focused on her motive instead of being derailed by anger, she got the results (cost reductions) she was seeking, and it is a good example of difficult conversations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Crucial Conversations Example 3: A Couple&#8217;s Argument<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>A couple, Yvonne and Jotham, have a conflict over intimacy \u2014 Jotham wants to have sex more often than Yvonne does. If Yvonne declines his invitation, Jotham goes silent and sulks (then she wants intimacy even less). If she goes along with it when she doesn\u2019t want to, she feels resentful. Things keep escalating<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Yvonne attempts to discuss the problem, but Jotham immediately resorts to silence or sarcasm (an indication that he feels unsafe in speaking his mind): \u201cI don\u2019t think <em>I\u2019m<\/em> in the mood.\u201d Yvonne comes back with: \u201cWhat\u2019s that supposed to mean?\u201d Jotham gets angry, and Yvonne walks away because she doesn\u2019t feel safe expressing her thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>By stepping out of the conversation, she can take time to figure out why it\u2019s unsafe and how to create conditions where they can both speak their minds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This crucial conversation example shows a difference in approach, and how communication can help. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If Jotham thinks Yvonne\u2019s motive is to make him feel guilty or get her way, he won\u2019t participate. But if she convinces him that she really cares about making things better for both of them, they have a mutual purpose and can talk. In this case, the difficult conversation example is resolved. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Hopefully, these crucial conversations examples helped you visualize real conversations and outcomes. You can probably also think of examples of crucial conversations you&#8217;ve had, and where you&#8217;ve gone wrong. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is a &#8220;crucial conversation,&#8221; and what are crucial conversation examples? How can these examples help you have better conversations? The book Crucial Conversations provides strategies on how to find success through difficult conversations. These Crucial Conversations examples can help you make sense of what exactly it means to have a crucial conversation, and how to navigate examples of difficult conversations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":9798,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,30],"tags":[89],"class_list":["post-9796","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-work","tag-crucial-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>3 Crucial Conversations Examples + What They Mean - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Can Crucial Conversations examples help you have those tough conversations you&#039;ve been putting off? Yes! Read these examples to see how they can help.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"3 Crucial Conversations Examples + What They Mean\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Can Crucial Conversations examples help you have those tough conversations you&#039;ve been putting off? Yes! Read these examples to see how they can help.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-06-24T05:16:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2020-06-28T23:42:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/crucial-conversations-examples-crucial-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1707\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Carrie Cabral\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Carrie Cabral\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"9 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Carrie Cabral\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/2ababb7c63a94ff5d2190f71dc417d56\"},\"headline\":\"3 Crucial Conversations Examples + What They Mean\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-06-24T05:16:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-06-28T23:42:00+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/\"},\"wordCount\":1763,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/crucial-conversations-examples-crucial-scaled.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Crucial Conversations\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Work\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/\",\"name\":\"3 Crucial Conversations Examples + What They Mean - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/crucial-conversations-examples-crucial-scaled.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-06-24T05:16:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-06-28T23:42:00+00:00\",\"description\":\"Can Crucial Conversations examples help you have those tough conversations you've been putting off? 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She wrote her first short story at the age of six, about a lost dog who meets animal friends on his journey home. Surprisingly, it was never picked up by any major publishers, but did spark her passion for books. Carrie worked in book publishing for several years before getting an MFA in Creative Writing. She especially loves literary fiction, historical fiction, and social, cultural, and historical nonfiction that gets into the weeds of daily life.\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/author\/carrie\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO Premium plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"3 Crucial Conversations Examples + What They Mean - Shortform Books","description":"Can Crucial Conversations examples help you have those tough conversations you've been putting off? Yes! 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