{"id":9792,"date":"2020-06-26T13:24:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-26T17:24:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9792"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:42:05","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:42:05","slug":"how-to-listen-crucial-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-listen-crucial-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Listen: 5 Steps for a Better Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you want to know how to listen better<\/a> in order to improve your communication skills<\/a>? Is learning how to listen a roadblock to having important crucial conversations? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learning how to listen is one of the most important, and often overlooked, parts of building good communication skills<\/a>. Using the tools in Crucial Conversations<\/em>, you can learn how to listen to someone in a difficult conversation, and take steps to fix the problem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How to Listen<\/strong>: Steps to Connecting<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Learning how to listen better<\/a> is one of the most important parts of developing better communication skills. These tips can help you learn how to listen to someone and get the most out of the conversation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Use AMPP<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

To encourage others to share, use four listening tools: Ask, mirror, paraphrase, prime (AMPP<\/a>). These tools will help you learn how to listen to someone, and how to listen well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Ask<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Ask to get things going: <\/strong>Often all it takes to break an impasse is to seek to understand others\u2019 views. When you show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use silence\/violence. For example, use phrases like, \u201cWhat do you mean? I\u2019d like to hear your concerns.\u201d Other invitations include: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d \u201cPlease let me know if you see it differently.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t worry about hurting my feelings; I really want to hear your thoughts.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

M: Mirror<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Mirror to confirm feelings: <\/strong>Mirroring can help build more safety. It consists of playing the role of mirror by describing to the person how they look or act. We see their actions and reflect them back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mirroring is most useful when the other person\u2019s tone\/gestures are inconsistent with their words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, they may say, \u201cDon\u2019t worry, I\u2019m fine,\u201d when clearly they\u2019re not fine. A mirroring response would be, \u201cReally? It doesn\u2019t sound like you are.\u201d Explain that while the person may be saying one thing, his body language<\/a> or tone belies it. For instance, \u201cYou look nervous about signing the contract. Are you sure you\u2019re OK with buying this car?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With your tone, convey that you\u2019re OK with them feeling the way they\u2019re feeling; respond calmly rather than being upset.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P: Paraphrase<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Paraphrase to acknowledge the story: <\/strong>When you get a clue for why the person is feeling the way they do, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you heard. Don\u2019t just parrot back what they say, but put the message in your own words in abbreviated form. For instance, \u201cLet\u2019s see if I\u2019ve got this right. You\u2019re upset because\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t react negatively. Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable person could have concluded this. Rephrase in a way that suggests it\u2019s OK to speak, that you\u2019re trying to understand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P: Prime<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Prime when you\u2019re still stalled: <\/strong>When you believe another person still has something to share and might do so with further encouragement, you can try priming<\/a> the conversation. Offer a guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling, and she may respond. For example, \u201cAre you thinking that the only reason we\u2019re doing this is to make money?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Don’t Push Too Hard<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Knowing how to listen well also means knowing when to back off. When you can tell the other person has more to share, but isn\u2019t sharing it, you may want to back off. Repeated attempts to encourage sharing can feel like pushing. So end the conversation tactfully, or ask what they want to see happen.<\/strong> This question helps them move toward problem solving (away from silence\/violence). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. When You Disagree<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Of course, disagreements are inevitable sometimes. Exploring another\u2019s path (facts, story, feelings) when you disagree substantially can be unsettling. This is where knowing how to listen well comes in. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, you\u2019re trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with or support it. By making an effort to understand it, you\u2019re agreeing to accept it as part of the pool of information; later you can share your point of view too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So you explore what others think in order to understand why they\u2019re feeling and behaving as they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Remember the ABC’s<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

When it\u2019s your turn to talk, and your story differs a lot from what you just heard, use these three skills. Knowing how to listen also means knowing how to communicate back to them what you feel. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agree: <\/strong>Don\u2019t argue when you agree \u2014 just agree. Sometimes when people argue strenuously, they\u2019re arguing over nuances.<\/strong> They actually agree on the important points. Most arguments are about the 5% to 10% of the facts and stories that people disagree on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although people eventually need to work through all their differences, you shouldn\u2019t start with the nuances, but with an area of agreement. If you completely agree with the other person\u2019s path, say so and move on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Build: <\/strong>Look for points of agreement, and talk about those first. Then build by adding information that has been left out<\/strong>. (\u201cI agree completely. In addition, I noticed that\u2026\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead of building on what we agree on, we tend to immediately jump on small points of disagreement, which we magnify<\/strong>. We learn from an early age to look for minor errors. In school, we learn that finding even the smallest errors in others\u2019 facts or thinking wins praise and admiration from teachers and peers. Being right at the expense of others becomes a competition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead of constructive dialogue, you end up in \u201cviolent agreement,\u201d or arguing strenuously even though you mostly agree.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Compare: <\/strong>When you do disagree, compare your path<\/a> with the other person\u2019s. Don\u2019t suggest they\u2019re wrong, suggest that you differ<\/strong>. The person may in fact be wrong, but you can\u2019t be sure until you understand both sides \u2014 you just know that you differ.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead of starting with \u201cWrong!\u201d, start with a tentative but honest, \u201cI think I see things differently. Let me explain.\u201d Then share your path using STATE skills. (Share your facts, Tell your story, Ask for others\u2019 paths, Talk tentatively, Encourage testing.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Encourage Others to Rethink Their Path<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Others need help to retrace their path to action, but most of us fail to do this. Knowing how to listen better can help you get others to rethink their own perspective. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We typically enter the conversation at the end of their path, when they\u2019re starting to act out their story (with silence or violence). Start where they are and help them work backward to the source \u2014 from feelings, to what they concluded, to what they observed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n