{"id":9749,"date":"2020-06-20T12:59:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-20T16:59:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9749"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:41:40","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:41:40","slug":"difficult-conversations-at-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/","title":{"rendered":"2 Steps for Difficult Conversations at Work + 7 Examples"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you want to know <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-have-difficult-conversations\/\">how to have difficult conversations<\/a> at work? Are there issues you need to address, but you&#8217;re not sure how?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/having-difficult-conversations\/\">Having difficult conversations<\/a> at work can feel daunting. But having those conversations is important. It will improve your management skills and the organization. Keep reading for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-examples\/\">examples of difficult conversations<\/a> at work, and how to resolve them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Why Should You Have Difficult  Conversations at Work? <\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Having leaders and employees who skillfully handle crucial conversations can improve an organization\u2019s performance, while poorly handled conversations and interactions can undercut it. So while it&#8217;s certainly hard to have difficult conversations at work, it&#8217;s a skill that benefits the whole group. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">When employees have good conversation skills<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>On the positive side, the authors\u2019 research shows that companies whose employees are skilled at crucial conversations:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Respond faster to financial downturns.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Are less likely to be injured due to unsafe conditions.<\/li><li>Increase the productivity of virtual (remote) work teams.<\/li><li>Influence misbehaving or incompetent colleagues to do better.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Most leaders think that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/workplace-productivity\/\">organizational productivity<\/a> and performance are driven by policies, processes, or systems. When there are problems they adjust these things, but it often doesn\u2019t work because the problem is behavior, not systems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Solving behavior problems requires crucial conversation skills, and shows that employees benefit from learning how to have a tough conversation at work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">When employees have poor conversation skills<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p>On the negative side, when organizations have performance problems such as snowballing costs, late delivery times, and poor morale, the biggest reason is employees\u2019 unwillingness or inability to speak up (have crucial conversations) at key moments. These companies have not put the time into learning <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-start-a-difficult-conversation\/\">how to have a difficult conversation<\/a> at work, and it shows. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, employees see others take shortcuts or make mistakes, and don\u2019t say anything, which impacts safety, turnover, and productivity. Also projects can fail when employees stay silent about problems \u2014 for instance, when goals are unrealistic, team members perform badly, or leadership stumbles.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How to Have Difficult Conversations at Work: <strong>Focus on These Two Things<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>First, the suggestion: One way people have succeeded in improving their handling of crucial conversations is by focusing on just two key principles: Pay attention to what\u2019s happening, and ensure safety. These principles are universal in crucial conversations, and they can be applied when you&#8217;re figuring out how to have a difficult conversation at work.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. Pay attention to what\u2019s happening: <\/strong>Constantly ask yourself whether you\u2019re in or out of dialogue. This makes a huge difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Even if you can\u2019t remember the acronyms or steps you can help maintain dialogue by noticing whether you or others are falling into silence or violence. Even if you don\u2019t know exactly how to fix the problem when you see it, it\u2019s worth trying something to restore the dialogue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You can use the statement, \u201cI think we\u2019ve moved away from dialogue,\u201d to get back on track.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. Ensure safety: <\/strong>When you notice that you and others have moved away from dialogue, do something to make it safer \u2014 for instance, asking a question and showing interest in others\u2019 views.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Just do something to make others comfortable: smile, apologize if you\u2019ve moved to silence or violence, or request a brief timeout. Although the book suggests specific skills (such as contrasting, mirroring, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/priming-meaning\/\">priming<\/a>), there are many other things you can do to increase safety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>People often think their situations are unique and that dialogue skills outlined in this book don\u2019t apply, or won\u2019t work. According to the authors, the skills do in fact apply to virtually any issue, although some problems are more challenging than others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Example of Difficult Conversations at Work<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>What&#8217;s next in learning how to have a tough conversation at work? Difficult conversations at work take many forms, but some are a little more complex than others. Below are examples of difficult conversations at work and how to resolve them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Difficult Conversation Example #1: <strong>Harassment<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>You\u2019re uncomfortable with the way you\u2019re being treated, although you don\u2019t view it as blatant harassment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenge<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>You find the behavior offensive, but it\u2019s so subtle or sporadic that you\u2019re hesitant to go to your boss or HR for fear of looking like you\u2019re overreacting. Getting caught up in a villain story could drive you to respond in ways that end up hurting you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Solution<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Tell the full story. Admit it if you\u2019ve put up with the behavior for a while without saying anything. Then discuss it with the other person. Try to treat the person as reasonable \u2014 even if the behavior isn\u2019t.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>After establishing a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mutual-purpose-crucial-conversations\/\">mutual purpose<\/a> for the conversation, STATE <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/choose-your-own-path\/\">your path<\/a>. If you can be respectful but firm, the individual usually will stop the objectionable behavior. If the behavior ever crosses the line, contact HR to ensure your rights are protected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Difficult Conversation Example #2: <strong>Letting the Team Down<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>At work, you get together as a team and talk about how to improve, but some of your teammates don\u2019t do what they agreed to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenge<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>In an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/effective-team\/\">effective team<\/a>, every team member is accountable. Team members speak up when they see violations. Lesser teams ignore problems or let the boss deal with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Solution<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s your responsibility to speak up. When team members agree to a course of action, they must be willing to confront any team member who doesn\u2019t live up to the agreement \u2014 or the whole thing can fall apart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The team\u2019s success depends not on flawless performance, but on teammates who hold crucial conversations with each other when necessary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Difficult Conversation Example #3: <strong>Deference to Authority<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>People who work for you seldom take initiative on anything. They hold back their opinions and say what they think you want to hear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenge<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>When leaders experience deference or kissing up, which stems from fear, they make one of two mistakes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>They deny they are causing people to be afraid of them. That\u2019s because they\u2019re unaware of how they act under stress. The way they speak and carry themselves is creating fear\/deference.&nbsp;<\/li><li>They try to solve the problem by just telling employees to stop deferring. People agree to stop deferring, but they don\u2019t. Extreme deference may stem from treatment by past bosses. You need to determine if you\u2019re living with a ghost, or if you\u2019re the cause of the fear.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Solution<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Determine how you contribute to the problem. Ask a peer for honest feedback about your behavior. Develop and implement a plan, and seek ongoing feedback.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If the problem originated under previous leaders, bring it up at a team meeting and ask for advice. In your interactions with employees, reward risk takers, encourage <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/opposing-views\/\">opposing views<\/a>, thank people when they\u2019re honest, and play devil\u2019s advocate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Difficult Conversation Example #4: <strong>Failed Trust<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Your colleague missed an important deadline, Now you wonder whether you should trust him again. It leads to needing to learn how to have a tough conversation at work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenge<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Trust isn\u2019t an either\/or proposition where you either trust someone or you don\u2019t. It can evolve and it\u2019s specific to the situation. You may trust someone in some circumstances but not others. You may trust someone\u2019s motivation in a situation but not her ability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Solution<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Focus on the issue, not the person. Take small steps to rebuild trust \u2014 first, just try to trust them in the moment. You don\u2019t have to trust them in every circumstance. Discuss your concerns using STATE skills: Talk tentatively about what you see happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Difficult Conversation Example #5: <strong>Shows No Initiative<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Your team members do what they\u2019re asked, but no more. If they encounter problems they give up. This is a typical example of difficult conversations at work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenge<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s a straightforward process to point out and address obviously bad behavior or performance, and to reward good performance. Dealing with people who lack initiative or persistence falls into a gray area and is more challenging to address.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Solution<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Deal with the overall pattern, rather than a specific instance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you want someone to take greater initiative, tell them. Give examples of when they faced a problem and gave up. Brainstorm ways the person could have been more persistent in coming up with a solution.<strong> <\/strong>Tell them you\u2019re raising the bar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Also, be aware of the ways you\u2019re enabling someone\u2019s lack of initiative. Clarify your expectations and put the responsibility on them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Difficult Conversation Example #6: <strong>Insubordination<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>How should you respond when people get angry, and then insubordinate?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenge<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Insubordination is rare, so when it happens it catches many leaders off guard. They buy time to figure out what to do. But this lets the person get away with egregious behavior, and it encourages future abuses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(In dealing with rebellious kids, parents tend to respond in kind rather than buying time \u2014 they become angry and insulting.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Solution<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>You cannot tolerate insubordination \u2014 speak up immediately. You need to stop disrespect before it gets worse. Change topics from the issue under discussion to how the person is currently acting. Let her know she is heading in a dangerous direction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For instance, respond: \u201cLet\u2019s set aside this scheduling issue for a moment. The way you\u2019re raising your voice and the words you\u2019re using are disrespectful. I want to address your concerns, but I can\u2019t do so if this continues.\u201d If this doesn\u2019t alleviate the problem, seek help from HR.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Difficult Conversation Example #7: <strong>No Warning<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes when employees run into problems with an assignment or project, leaders don\u2019t find out until it\u2019s too late.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenge<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Leaders who are regularly being surprised are allowing it to happen. Typically, the first time an employee says, \u201cSorry but I ran into a problem,\u201d leaders focus on the problem and fix it, thereby conveying that it\u2019s OK to surprise them; they\u2019ll take care of things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Solution<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Establish a clear \u201cno surprises\u201d rule. When you give someone an assignment, make clear that they need to either complete it as planned, or inform you immediately if they run into a problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The first time someone has a problem but didn\u2019t inform you when the problem first came up, address it immediately: \u201cWe agreed you\u2019d let me know immediately if you had a problem. You didn\u2019t contact me \u2014 what happened?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you have difficult conversations at work, the task might seem like it&#8217;s too much to handle, and you may be tempted to avoid confrontation. But learning how to have a difficult conversation at work helps your communication skills, and improves your organization. So when you do have those difficult conversations at work, keep in mind that the result will be worth it. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you want to know how to have difficult conversations at work? Are there issues you need to address, but you&#8217;re not sure how? Having difficult conversations at work can feel daunting. But having those conversations is important. It will improve your management skills and the organization. Keep reading for examples of difficult conversations at work, and how to resolve them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":9784,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,30],"tags":[89],"class_list":["post-9749","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-work","tag-crucial-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>2 Steps for Difficult Conversations at Work + 7 Examples - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you struggle with difficult conversations at work? They can be tricky\u2014but important. Read about key strategies for difficult conversations at work.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"2 Steps for Difficult Conversations at Work + 7 Examples\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Do you struggle with difficult conversations at work? They can be tricky\u2014but important. Read about key strategies for difficult conversations at work.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-06-20T16:59:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2020-06-28T23:41:40+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/difficult-conversations-at-work-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1709\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Carrie Cabral\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Carrie Cabral\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"9 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Carrie Cabral\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/2ababb7c63a94ff5d2190f71dc417d56\"},\"headline\":\"2 Steps for Difficult Conversations at Work + 7 Examples\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-06-20T16:59:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-06-28T23:41:40+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/\"},\"wordCount\":1815,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/difficult-conversations-at-work-scaled.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Crucial Conversations\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Work\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/\",\"name\":\"2 Steps for Difficult Conversations at Work + 7 Examples - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difficult-conversations-at-work\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/difficult-conversations-at-work-scaled.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-06-20T16:59:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-06-28T23:41:40+00:00\",\"description\":\"Do you struggle with difficult conversations at work? 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