{"id":9748,"date":"2020-06-18T12:33:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-18T16:33:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9748"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:41:25","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:41:25","slug":"contrasting-statements","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/contrasting-statements\/","title":{"rendered":"Contrasting Statements: Connecting Through Empathy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/contrasting-statements-2\/\">contrasting statements<\/a>? Why do you need them to have healthy communication skills?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Contrasting statements are a technique used in crucial conversations to help deal with misunderstandings. When used correctly, contrasting statements can help you repair trust and get back on track. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">What Are Contrasting Statements? Why Do You Need Them?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Contrasting statements are <strong>two-part don\u2019t\/do statement <\/strong>that assures others that you respect them and clarifies <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/your-life-purpose\/\">your purpose<\/a>. <strong>You explain what you <em>don\u2019t<\/em> want, followed by what you <em>do<\/em> want.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em>Crucial Conversations<\/em>, contrasting is used to help bring context to difficult conversations, and help the person speaking convey their point. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Use Contrasting Statements to Repair Misunderstanding<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes when you\u2019re sharing your views in crucial conversations, others believe unjustifiably that you\u2019re out to harm or coerce them. You <em>shouldn\u2019t<\/em> apologize because you haven\u2019t done anything wrong &#8211; this would be disingenuous. To rebuild mutual purpose\/mutual respect when others misinterpret your purpose or intent, you can use the skill of contrasting statements. &nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em>Crucial Conversations<\/em>, contrasting works this way (using the example of the manager explaining the VP visit to employees):<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>\u201cI <em>don\u2019t<\/em> want to imply that I don\u2019t value your work.\u201d (What the manager doesn\u2019t want)<\/li><li>\u201cI think your work has been outstanding and I want the leadership to understand the value of what you do.\u201d (What he does want)<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Of the two parts of contrasting statements, the <em>don\u2019t<\/em> is more important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has undermined safety. You address the misunderstanding first, then explain what you intended.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In the Yvonne\/Jotham conversation earlier, Yvonne could use contrasting when she returns to the conversation on intimacy: \u201cI <em>don\u2019t<\/em> want to put this all on you \u2014 it\u2019s on both of us. What I <em>do<\/em> want is to be able to talk about it so we can improve things for both of us.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Contrasting isn\u2019t apologizing \u2014 it provides context and proportion<\/strong>. Sometimes when others take your words the wrong way, you\u2019re tempted to water down what you\u2019re trying to say. Don\u2019t backpedal, but put your words in context: \u201cLet me put this in perspective\u2026I don\u2019t mean to imply&#8230;\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You can use contrasting preemptively as well, to enhance safety when what you\u2019re about to say could spark defensiveness: \u201cI don\u2019t want you to think I don\u2019t appreciate\u2026but\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Practical tip<\/strong>: When people take something the wrong way and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop and use contrasting. Explain what you don\u2019t mean until it\u2019s safe to return to the conversation.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How to Use Contrasting Statements<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>In Crucial Conversations, contrasting is used for many reasons. It can be used to improve dialogue, create empathy, and repair trust. Here are some ways contrasting statements are used. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Make Assignments<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Once you\u2019ve made your decisions, it\u2019s time for action. To avoid confusion or dropped balls, make assignments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Assignments have four elements<\/strong>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Identify the tasks: <\/strong>What are the deliverables? Use contrasting statements (describe what you don\u2019t want and do want), and give specific (not abstract) examples. If expectations aren\u2019t clear, you\u2019ll be unhappy with the results. For example, when you\u2019re planning to remodel a room, if you\u2019re not clear with contractors about what you want up front, there\u2019s a good chance you\u2019ll waste money and end up with something you didn\u2019t want.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>What can you do if someone has a hygiene problem, or something else that makes people avoid him but are embarrassed to bring up?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenge<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Because people avoid discussing sensitive issues, offenders can go for years without getting information that would be helpful to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Instead of directly addressing the offense, others often progress from silence to violence, making jokes, and being sarcastic and disrespectful. But the more time that elapses, the more painful it will be to the person when you do raise the issue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Solution<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Start by using contrasting statements: You don\u2019t want to hurt the person\u2019s feelings, but you do want to share important information.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Establish <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mutual-purpose-crucial-conversations\/\">mutual purpose<\/a>. Explain that you\u2019re reluctant to raise a personal issue, but need to because it\u2019s undermining the person\u2019s work. Tentatively describe the problem without exaggerating, then move on to solutions.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Make the Content Safe<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Skills<\/em>: Apologize if needed, use contrasting to ensure understanding, and use CRIB (Commit, Recognize, Invent, Brainstorm) to create a mutual purpose<em>Crucial questions<\/em>: Why is safety at risk? Do we have a mutual purpose and mutual respect? What can I do to rebuild an environment of safety?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Do contrasting statements work? According to<em> Crucial Conversations<\/em>, they do. Contrasting statements are a great tool to have in your communications toolbox. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What are contrasting statements? Why do you need them to have healthy communication skills? Contrasting statements are a technique used in crucial conversations to help deal with misunderstandings. When used correctly, contrasting statements can help you repair trust and get back on track.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":9780,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9],"tags":[89],"class_list":["post-9748","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","tag-crucial-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Contrasting Statements: Connecting Through Empathy - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What are contrasting statements? How do they help you communicate? 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