Do you feel like a terrible person because of a mistake you made? How can you deal with shame in a healthy way?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A common reaction people have when they\u2019ve done something wrong is to feel shame. It\u2019s a completely normal emotion to feel in these types of situations, but it can have detrimental effects on your mental health. Luckily, there are ways to overcome shame<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Continue reading to learn how to deal with shame<\/a> and accept your mistakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Daring Greatly<\/em><\/a> by Bren\u00e9 Brown describes shame as the fear of not being worthy of connection and belonging<\/strong>. It is the fear that you are not enough<\/em> and will be rejected for your weaknesses. It overtakes the prefrontal cortex<\/a> and initiates your fight or flight response. Instead of being able to think critically or analyze the legitimacy of a threat, you\u2019re thrust into survival mode. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Once the shame cycle begins, you really only have three options: fight, freeze, or run. In terms of human behavior, this might look like aggression, numbing, or people pleasing. Being in this type of survival mode prevents you from connecting meaningfully with yourself and others, which impedes your ability to live wholeheartedly<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s common to confuse guilt, shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. It\u2019s important that you understand the difference, because each sends a different message, and you want to focus on internalizing messages that help you move away from shame, rather than towards it. What is the difference? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Shame in particular is toxic, and prevents wholeheartedness, because it conflates your behavior with who you are<\/a>, corroding your belief in your ability to grow. <\/strong>It also impedes action, because it makes you believe that if you do something bad, you are inherently bad, which prevents you from feeling like it\u2019s possible to change. Therefore, shame is inherently destructive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Brown\u2019s research identified 12 categories of shame<\/a> that fall under three core themes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Body Image and Health<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Relationships<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Social Status<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Moving past a shameful experience can be an easy process from accepting your mistake to learning from your past. Follow these steps to learn how to deal with shame the healthy way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Breaking out of shame begins with accepting everything about ourselves, our lives, and our experiences. <\/strong>This means being aware of everything that\u2019s happening inside our minds and bodies at every moment and embracing it. It means not shying away from sorrow or pain. It means recognizing we did something bad without judging ourselves for them or feeling forced to act upon them. However, acceptance does not <\/em>mean accepting harmful behavior, either from ourselves or anyone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Tara Brach\u2019s book Radical Acceptance<\/em><\/a>, acceptance goes against all of our conditioned reactions. Rather than embracing physical and emotional pain<\/a>, we tend to resist it. We tense up our muscles and our minds. We start thinking about what could be causing the pain, how long it might last, and what we can do to make it go away. Perhaps we blame ourselves for the pain, thinking that it\u2019s a sign of our own shortcomings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There are two key aspects of accepting what we did so we can deal with shame: recognition and compassion.<\/strong> The first part, recognition, is what Buddhists often call mindfulness<\/a><\/em>. This is the practice of understanding what is happening to us physically, mentally, and emotionally, without being ruled by it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if we\u2019re afraid of the consequences, we might recognize that our minds are racing, our bodies are tense, and we feel compelled to run away. In doing this, we don\u2019t try to change or manage the experience, we simply take it as-is. We can\u2019t accept an experience until we clearly see what we\u2019re accepting.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The second aspect, compassion, is responding with care and tenderness. The times we need acceptance the most may be when it seems impossible to practice\u2014when we\u2019re angry, afraid, or hurting. These are the times when we must be the kindest to ourselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Rather than judging ourselves harshly for what we feel or think, we honor the experience. However, that doesn\u2019t mean that we indulge all of our desires. Rather, we acknowledge them and look upon them with tenderness and care. Instead of berating ourselves for wanting a candy bar, for instance, we simply accept that at this point, we feel the desire for a candy bar. That doesn\u2019t mean we have to have one\u2014though we could\u2014we simply understand and accept our desire for what it is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Both aspects are needed to accept and deal with shame. Either one on its own will create an unbalanced and harmful mindset.<\/strong> Recognition without compassion may leave us aware of what we\u2019re experiencing, but without the tools to cope with it. We could end up digging ourselves deeper into those feelings by dwelling on them or judging and blaming ourselves for getting into whatever situation caused them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Compassion without recognition causes a different problem: Instead of trapping ourselves in self-reproach, we trap ourselves in self-pity. We create narratives wherein we tried our best but still couldn\u2019t get what we wanted or needed. This is the trap of accepting experiences without truly understanding them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Brown\u2019s other book, The Gifts of Imperfection<\/em><\/a>, provides another solution to dealing with shame: developing resilience<\/a> against it. Having shame resilience<\/a> means being able to identify shame as it occurs and move past it in a healthy way that protects your worthiness.<\/strong> For example, shame resilience may involve challenging the self-critical thoughts that shame triggers<\/a>, or evaluating the validity of your shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To develop shame resilience, you need to follow five steps:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Step 1:<\/strong> Learn how shame manifests<\/a> for you so that you can quickly identify and address it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do you experience physical sensations when you feel shame, such as a dry mouth or a pounding heart? Does shame make you fall into certain thought patterns\u2014for example, \u201cI\u2019m not good enough\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m a bad person\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Step 2:<\/strong> Identify and evaluate the root cause of your shame. Does your shame come from not meeting societal expectations\u2014for example, body shame triggered by non-conformity to societal beauty standards<\/a>? Does it come from the opinions of loved ones\u2014for example, shame over being single coming from familial expectations that you should be married by now? Does it come from your own expectations\u2014for example, shame that you haven\u2019t met the standards of behavior you\u2019ve set for yourself?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Consider whether these expectations are really valid, or whether they\u2019re unhealthy and unrealistic. Is not meeting these expectations really something to be ashamed of?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Step 3<\/strong>: Challenge the societal messages that equate imperfection with inadequacy. Reject the idea that if you make mistakes or have flaws, this automatically makes you \u201cnot enough\u201d or shameful. Being imperfect shouldn\u2019t be a source of shame. Everyone makes mistakes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Step 4:<\/strong> Talk to someone trustworthy about your feelings of shame. If you refuse to talk about your shame, it will fester and consume you. However, discussing shame takes away its power. It gets the shame out of your mind and into the world, where you and others can address it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Step 5:<\/strong> Avoid the unhealthy reactions to shame outlined above. Consider whether the unhealthy response that tempts you is going to reduce your shame or protect your worthiness. If it\u2019s not, think of a better way to respond. For example, if you want to deal with shame by withdrawing from your loved ones, force yourself to reach out and talk to someone instead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n One day, Brown received an email from a reader of her blog that criticized her photography skills. She felt shamed by this negative feedback. Initially, Brown decided to respond to this shame with aggression: she drafted many rude replies to the email that all shamed the sender in return. <\/p>\n\n\n\n However, something stopped Brown from actually sending the mean replies. Instead, she decided to call a friend to talk about the situation. When Brown told the friend about the rude responses that she\u2019d drafted, the friend replied that she could never be so brave as to send those emails. Instead, she\u2019d respond to this type of criticism by just crying for a while. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Brown thought about this. She realized that for her, sending a response that shamed her critic wasn\u2019t actually a brave or healthy thing to do. Instead, the courageous way forward would be to let herself be upset about the email, but not reply to it, thus ending the cycle of shame. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In coming to this realization, Brown was practicing shame resilience. She recognized her shame, told others about it, and ultimately rejected destructive behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If your shaming was public, it might feel like the end of the world. Before a public shaming<\/a>, you had a rich and complex life story. During the shaming, the public reduces your identity to revolve entirely around their transgression. Instead of holding on to your life story, create a private third narrative that explains the reasoning behind the transgression to deal with shame.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s look at an example of someone who was publicly shamed for a lie he told, and how he rose from it by creating another narrative, from Jon Ronson\u2019s book So You\u2019ve Been Publicly Shamed<\/em><\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Monologue writer and performer Mike Daisey<\/a> committed literary fraud: He invented details in a non-fiction monologue about the horrible working conditions at Chinese Apple factories that he performed on the podcast This American Life<\/em>, among other venues. After the podcast was aired, his lies were discovered and made public. However, instead of withdrawing, he chose to create a new narrative. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Daisey told Ronson that he\u2019d known in advance that if he went on the podcast someone would uncover his lies, but he decided to do it anyway because sacrificing his career was worth getting the story out about the poor working conditions. <\/strong>He cast himself as a hero to deal with his feelings of shame. He also defended himself online and responded to his shamers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The moral of the story is: <\/strong>Some people may not forgive you for what you\u2019ve done, but it doesn\u2019t mean you should dwell on this one incident. Sincerely apologize, and try to move on with a new narrative.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Ego Is the Enemy<\/em><\/a>, Ryan Holiday notes that when you do something you\u2019re ashamed of, you may hit \u201crock bottom,\u201d where you\u2019ve lost everything. During these times, you should reevaluate your life<\/a> and your priorities. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When the world hands you a failure, it tells you the truth. This might be something you already knew about yourself but didn\u2019t want to admit (like that you rush into opportunities without evaluating the risks properly). Or it might be a truth about the world around us that you were denying (like that there\u2019s just not enough demand for a product<\/a> that you think is phenomenal). <\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat Is Shame?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Categories of Shame<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How to Overcome Shame<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. Accept the Situation<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Recognition and Compassion<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
2. Develop Resilience<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Example: Bren\u00e9 Brown\u2019s Shame Resilience<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
3. Write a New Narrative<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Example: Mike Daisy\u2019s Story<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
4. Learn From Your Mistakes<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n