{"id":96996,"date":"2023-03-31T12:02:00","date_gmt":"2023-03-31T16:02:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=96996"},"modified":"2023-04-05T10:59:19","modified_gmt":"2023-04-05T14:59:19","slug":"how-to-act-at-a-party","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-act-at-a-party\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Act at a Party: 3 Misconceptions About Behavior"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is the appropriate way to act at a party? Should guests refrain from creating heated disagreements at gatherings?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When attending or hosting a party<\/a>, many people think there’s a certain way they should act to not damper the mood. However, The Art of Gathering<\/em> by Priya Parker suggests three rules that will help hosts and guests loosen up a bit so everyone can have fun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Discover how to act at a party without having to meet certain expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Misconception #1: The Host Should Relax <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The first harmful misconception of how to act at a party, according to Parker, is the idea that the host should relax<\/strong>, or \u201cchill.\u201d Hosts who think they should relax leave guests to their own devices\u2014such as by letting guests roam around the venue unrestricted. These hosts see their refusal to direct the gathering as an act of kindness that will result in a laid-back, undirected affair. But in reality, if a host doesn\u2019t direct his own affair, someone else will\u2014usually in a manner that ruins the gathering for everybody else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead, Parker recommends that you shift your mindset<\/a> and deliberately direct the gathering<\/strong>. In other words, you must use your power as a host to make your guests do<\/em> things they might not choose themselves. If this seems too stuffy, remind yourself that deliberate direction is kinder than relaxing\u2014as long as it\u2019s motivated by a desire to provide your guests<\/em> with a maximally fulfilling experience. If you\u2019re motivated by anything else (like a desire to seem more important), you\u2019ll detract from, rather than enhance, your guests\u2019 experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parker explains that deliberately directing your gathering involves doing three things. First, defend your guests against actions that harm the good of the gathering<\/strong>\u2014even if doing so is unpleasant. For example, one movie theater expels guests who use their cell phones during the show. This policy upsets the expelled guests but enhances the other guests\u2019 moviegoing experience. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second, level the playing field<\/strong>: Identify and temporarily destroy any relevant inequalities. This allows guests to relate to each other as equals, rather than deferring to each other out of societal norms<\/a>. For example, if you\u2019re hosting a party among people of vastly different career levels, select a restaurant that everybody can afford. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Third, facilitate links between your guests<\/strong> and do things to help them get to know each other despite any discomfort they (or you) might feel. For example, Parker once asked people to switch tables regularly during a conference; despite the guests\u2019 original reluctance, they were ultimately grateful for the number of connections they made. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Misconception #2: Be Positive<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The second harmful misconception, according to Parker, is the idea that everybody should be positive<\/strong>. When we gather\u2014whether at a party or conference\u2014most of us put on a show<\/a>: We present ourselves as strong and confident, and we hide our vulnerabilities. Parker argues that this is a missed opportunity to connect with others<\/a>. If your guests tell stories that reveal their vulnerability, other guests will feel more empathetic toward them. As a result, they\u2019ll all feel more authentically connected to each other. At the very least, this authentic connection will make for a more memorable gathering; at its best, a deeper connection can allow for greater cooperation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parker shares several techniques for encouraging your guests to open up and be vulnerable when the gathering calls for vulnerability. Pre-gathering, consider inviting people who don\u2019t know each other<\/strong>. People often feel more comfortable sharing intimate details with people in whom they\u2019re not invested, as they don\u2019t feel pressured to maintain a particular image. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parker recommends that you set the stage <\/strong>during the gathering. Begin the gathering by clearly explaining to your guests why you\u2019re asking them to be vulnerable. Then, ask for stories<\/strong>. Specify that you want to hear not about their accomplishments but about something more authentic, such as life-defining experiences. If your guests know each other, request stories that nobody else in the room knows. Once people start sharing, share your story early<\/strong>, and make sure it\u2019s slightly more intimate than those you want your guests to share. Your guests will cue off your example and share stories that are slightly less intimate than yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, don\u2019t pressure your guests too much<\/strong>. As a host, you should encourage (but not demand) your guests to share; at one gathering, Parker created a rule that whoever shared last had to sing. However, some people won\u2019t feel comfortable being extremely vulnerable in a group no matter what you do\u2014and that\u2019s OK. So choose a theme that invites interpretation; this will allow such people to be vulnerable within boundaries they\u2019re comfortable with. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Misconception #3: Be Peaceful<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The third harmful misconception, according to Parker, is the idea that all gatherings must be peaceful<\/strong>. Parker argues that in the modern world, most of us act as if<\/a> we should avoid heated disagreements. Even universities\u2014ostensibly institutions designed to encourage argument\u2014shy away from anything too<\/em> controversial, such as by rescinding invitations to speakers who draw student protests.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, Parker warns that prioritizing peace above all else can sometimes backfire and undermine your reason for gathering. Certain gatherings require that long-simmering tensions be brought out into the open and worked through\u2014whether that\u2019s because the gathering is about<\/em> a controversial topic or because the group\u2019s work outside the gathering is being hampered<\/em> by these tensions. For example, you might hold a debate about gun control, or you might have educators who need to create a curriculum but are debating what kind of ideas they want to teach their students. If you avoid this requirement, you won\u2019t effectively discuss or work through any of these issues\u2014and they\u2019ll continue to sow disharmony. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re intrigued by the idea of encouraging disagreement at your gathering, you\u2019ll first need to decide<\/strong> whether doing so will be helpful<\/strong>. Pre-gathering, identify potential areas of disagreement by asking probing questions of the participants (including yourself). As a group, what are you afraid to talk about? What do people get defensive about, and why? Then, weigh the potential pros and cons of addressing these issues\u2014and only proceed if you feel that the potential pros outweigh the cons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you choose to proceed, create a safe space<\/strong>: Try to make participants as comfortable as possible dealing with an uncomfortable topic. Parker suggests that you ask the participants to create guidelines for the discussion by asking them, \u201cHow can we help you feel comfortable taking a chance during our discussion today?\u201d Jointly creating guidelines in this manner has three benefits. First, it signals to participants that you\u2019d like them to put themselves out there during the discussion. Second, it prompts the participants to ban undesirable behaviors they\u2019ve resorted to in the past. Third, it encourages compliance\u2014participants are more likely to follow guidelines that they had a hand in creating.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What is the appropriate way to act at a party? Should guests refrain from creating heated disagreements at gatherings? When attending or hosting a party, many people think there’s a certain way they should act to not damper the mood. However, The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker suggests three rules that will help hosts and guests loosen up a bit so everyone can have fun. Discover how to act at a party without having to meet certain expectations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":65006,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,7],"tags":[956],"class_list":["post-96996","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-lifestyle","tag-the-art-of-gathering","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Act at a Party: 3 Misconceptions About Behavior - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Have you ever felt the vibe was off at a party? That's what happens when hosts regulate behavior. 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