{"id":96993,"date":"2023-03-30T12:03:00","date_gmt":"2023-03-30T16:03:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=96993"},"modified":"2023-04-05T10:59:17","modified_gmt":"2023-04-05T14:59:17","slug":"how-to-be-a-good-host","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-good-host\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be a Good Host and Make Guests Comfortable"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you know how to direct a gathering? How can you be a good host to your guests?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At an event you’re hosting, your guests should be your number one priority. The Art of Gathering<\/em> by Priya Parker says many people think that hosts should relax when it comes to their duties, but it’s actually quite the opposite.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading for the truth behind learning how to be a good host.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The Host Shouldn’t Relax<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A harmful misconception, according to Parker, is the idea that the host should relax<\/strong>, or \u201cchill.\u201d Hosts who think they should relax leave guests to their own devices\u2014such as by letting guests roam around the venue unrestricted. These hosts see their refusal to direct the gathering as an act of kindness that will result in a laid-back, undirected affair. But in reality, if a host doesn\u2019t direct his own affair, someone else will\u2014usually in a manner that ruins the gathering for everybody else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To know how to be a good host, Parker recommends that you shift your mindset<\/a> and deliberately direct the gathering<\/strong>. In other words, you must use your power as a host to make your guests do<\/em> things they might not choose themselves. If this seems too stuffy, remind yourself that deliberate direction is kinder than relaxing\u2014as long as it\u2019s motivated by a desire to provide your guests<\/em> with a maximally fulfilling experience. If you\u2019re motivated by anything else (like a desire to seem more important), you\u2019ll detract from, rather than enhance, your guests\u2019 experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why Women Don\u2019t Want to Deliberately Direct  <\/strong>

Female hosts may be particularly reluctant to deliberately direct their gathering due to cultural expectations that women need to be low-maintenance to be attractive. This is personified by the \u201ccool girl\u201d trope often perpetuated in movies<\/a>. The \u201ccool girl\u201d is always effortlessly beautiful and carefree, and she makes few demands on those around her. And she\u2019s often contrasted with a more high-maintenance woman who does<\/em> make demands on the people around her and is presented as inherently less desirable. 

But just as deliberately directing your gathering can be kinder to your guests<\/em>, doing so can be kinder to yourself<\/a>. If you clearly tell your guests what you want them to do, they\u2019ll likely do it\u2014and you\u2019ll grow happier because the gathering is going well in the way that you prefer.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Parker explains that deliberately directing your gathering involves doing three things. First, defend your guests against actions that harm the good of the gathering<\/strong>\u2014even if doing so is unpleasant. For example, one movie theater expels guests who use their cell phones during the show. This policy upsets the expelled guests but enhances the other guests\u2019 moviegoing experience. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: As a guest, you can prevent yourself<\/em> from harming the good of the gathering by not attending if you don\u2019t agree with the event\u2019s purpose. For example, if you love texting during movies, you could avoid the movie theater Parker mentions. In a separate blog post, Parker recommends that if you\u2019re invited to a gathering, ask yourself whether<\/em> and why<\/em> you want to attend<\/a>. If you\u2019re unable to come up with a compelling reason, don\u2019t feel obligated to go.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second, level the playing field<\/strong>: Identify and temporarily destroy any relevant inequalities. This allows guests to relate to each other as equals, rather than deferring to each other out of societal norms<\/a>. For example, if you\u2019re hosting a party<\/a> among people of vastly different career levels, select a restaurant that everybody can afford. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In some cases, leveling the playing field may mean letting go as a host. For example, The Dinner Party<\/a> gathers people in their 20s-40s at dinner parties specifically to discuss grief. Previously, the organizers deliberately created tables of equals by matching each participant to a table that met their specific needs\u2014such as one composed of guests who\u2019d experienced suicide loss. But in 2021, the organizers let go and started letting participants choose their own<\/em> tables<\/a>. In this way, the participants were able to find tables in which they<\/em> felt most comfortable (and equal)\u2014which wasn\u2019t necessarily what the organizers<\/em> thought would make them feel most equal. In this way, letting go improved the guests\u2019 experiences.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Third, facilitate links between your guests<\/strong> and do things to help them get to know each other despite any discomfort they (or you) might feel. For example, Parker once asked people to switch tables regularly during a conference; despite the guests\u2019 original reluctance, they were ultimately grateful for the number of connections they made. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: How can you connect better with a fellow guest once your host introduces you? Try repeating their name. In The Fine Art of Small Talk<\/em><\/a>, Debra Fine argues that everyone has the right to be called by their name. Moreover, repeating someone\u2019s name increases the chances that you\u2019ll remember it\u2014which is particularly important if you switch tables regularly and meet many people. Additionally, Fine recommends asking open-ended questions<\/a> that demand more than a one-word answer. You\u2019ll encourage the other person to talk more about themselves\u2014and the more they give you, the more you\u2019ll have to talk about.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do you know how to direct a gathering? How can you be a good host to your guests? At an event you’re hosting, your guests should be your number one priority. The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker says many people think that hosts should relax when it comes to their duties, but it’s actually quite the opposite. Keep reading for the truth behind learning how to be a good host.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":6972,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,7],"tags":[956],"class_list":["post-96993","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-lifestyle","tag-the-art-of-gathering","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Be a Good Host and Make Guests Comfortable - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When hosting a gathering, you shouldn't have a carefree attitude. That's a recipe for disaster. 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