Do you have something to celebrate? How do you plan a party?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In The Art of Gathering<\/em>, Priya Parker argues that what you do before <\/em>the gathering is just as important as what you do during the gathering itself. She shares five essential tips: Identify the reason, curate your guest list, select a venue, create directives, and set expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let’s look at how to plan a party, using Parker’s five tips.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n According to Parker, the first thing you should do when learning how to plan a party is to identify the reason<\/strong>, or \u201cpurpose,\u201d for which you\u2019re gathering. You should have one clear, distinct, and specific reason for gathering that\u2019s not<\/em> defined by the type of gathering you\u2019re having. For example, a bachelorette party is not a reason; \u201cgive my bridesmaids a chance to bond with each other before the wedding\u201d is. Why do you need a reason? Parker explains that without one, you might gather in unhelpful ways<\/strong>. This may result in a missed opportunity to do something meaningful. Alternatively, you might gather in ways that are antithetical to your values; this can happen when you follow traditional customs because you find the custom itself<\/em> significant but not the original reason<\/em> the custom was developed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Additionally, Parker argues that when you have one<\/em> specific reason for gathering, <\/strong>you can use this reason as a guideline by which to evaluate <\/strong>all<\/em><\/strong> the decisions <\/strong>you make at the gathering. A specific reason makes decision-making<\/a> easier because it presents a clear path to follow, whereas a general reason can be ambiguous and open up too many options<\/a> when you’re trying to decide on something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, in many Western weddings, the bride\u2019s father walks the bride down the aisle. A modern couple might wish not<\/em> to do this custom since the ritual stems from back when a wedding signified that the bride was now the responsibility of her new husband rather than her father. But if the couple\u2019s parents find meaning in the custom itself, what should the couple do?<\/p>\n\n\n\n If the couple has one clear, specific reason, such as \u201cto celebrate our union as individuals\u201d (as opposed to, say \u201cto celebrate the joining of our families\u201d) then they know what to do: The custom is not about the individual couple but their families, so they won\u2019t do it. But if their reason is something like \u201ccelebrate love\u201d and thus doesn\u2019t specify who the focus of the ceremony is, the reason won\u2019t help them make that decision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To discover your reason, Parker recommends that you repeatedly ask yourself why<\/em> you\u2019re gathering <\/strong>until you discover an underlying conviction. For example, if you want to have a bachelorette party, ask yourself why that matters. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you\u2019ve decided on a reason for gathering, the next step is to curate your guest list<\/strong>. In other words, decide who helps you fulfill your reason\u2014then invite only those people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Parker explains that despite how it may seem at first glance, limiting your guest list is a compassionate act<\/strong>. If you invite people who don\u2019t support your reason, they may actively sabotage it. But even if they don\u2019t, they\u2019ll still<\/em> undermine your reason because they\u2019ll inevitably distract you (as the host) with their presence. As a result, you won\u2019t give your full attention to the guests for whom the gathering is designed. In this way, not<\/em> inviting people who don\u2019t actively support your reason is an act of compassion toward the guests you do<\/em> invite.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, you might travel with your bridesmaids to New Orleans for a bachelorette party so that your bridesmaids, who don\u2019t know each other well, can bond before the wedding. If one bridesmaid has a friend who lives in New Orleans, she may ask if this friend can come to an event you have planned. This friend might sabotage your gathering by dragging your bridesmaid away from the group and having a long conversation with just her. But even if she doesn\u2019t, you\u2019ll be distracted by this friend\u2019s presence; instead of focusing on making sure that your bridesmaids are connecting with each other, you\u2019ll be focused on making sure this friend is having a good time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Despite Parker\u2019s contention that limiting your guest list is a compassionate act, some people may grow upset if you either don\u2019t invite them or don\u2019t permit them to bring a guest. So how can you mitigate potential damage? If there\u2019s a risk that a friend will find out that you\u2019ve had an event without them, experts recommend informing them why they\u2019re not invited<\/a> before that can happen. And if you\u2019re worried that someone might want to bring a plus one, consider creating a written invitation<\/a> that clearly states that only the recipient is invited.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n When limiting the size of your gathering, Parker recommends that you keep in mind both who<\/em> and how many people<\/em> support the purpose. If you want a small, intimate group, limit your gathering to six to 12 people. If you want to foster intimacy while still allowing for diverse perspectives, you can have up to 15 people. For a more animated, party-like vibe, invite 30 people. And if you want a big gathering, a group of 150 people feels large but still connected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Keep in mind that the bigger your gathering, the bigger the budget you\u2019ll need for it. So even if you want a livelier vibe, you may be unable to provide one due to financial constraints. This is particularly true if you\u2019re serving food or drinks, as this cost is directly proportional to the number of attendees. Experts suggest that a corporate event that serves breakfast, lunch, and dinner should budget about $150 per person<\/a>\u2014which would amount to $900 for a small gathering of six but nearly $20,000 for a group of 150.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you know how many people are coming to your gathering, select an appropriate venue<\/strong>. Parker explains that an appropriate venue has three important qualities. First, it will immerse your guests in the reason for the gathering and thus enhance their experience. Second, it will encourage the conduct you desire (and discourage conduct you don\u2019t want), as people are primed to behave differently depending on the environment. Third, it will encourage unexpected behavior in your guests\u2014in this case, a slightly unexpected venue will help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if you work at a foundation that supports marine life, try holding an important meeting not in a conference room but in an aquarium exhibit. By surrounding your participants with marine life, you\u2019ll enhance their experience. You\u2019ll also encourage them to make (perhaps unexpected) decisions that help sea life and discourage the more business-oriented decisions that they\u2019re used to making in the conference room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The fourth pre-gathering step, according to Parker, is to create directives<\/strong>, which she calls \u201cpop-up rules.\u201d In other words, give specific instructions about how you\u2019d like your guests to behave during the event\u2014such as that they should all bring a particular type of dish\u2014and clearly communicate them to your guests.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Parker recommends creating directives for two reasons. First, clear directives make diverse gatherings more comfortable<\/strong>. Many hosts expect their guests to behave according to certain defined protocols. However, this expectation often backfires in an increasingly multicultural world. If your guest list is diverse, they will have different (and potentially clashing) cultural expectations for what is appropriate; for example, a Japanese person will expect guests to help them clean up after a house party, while an American might find this practice insulting. Clear directives remove a lot of potential friction and pave the way for a smoother gathering. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Second, Parker argues that clear directives encourage engagement<\/strong>. For example, people are often glued to their cell phones\u2014even in situations when checking their phone is generally considered rude. But if you temporarily<\/em> ban cell phones during your gathering, the short-term nature of this directive will make it seem more like a rule of a game. As a result, your guests will find pleasure in ignoring their cell phones rather than feeling restricted\u2014and thus be more engaged<\/a> within your gathering. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Parker advises keeping two things in mind when creating directives. First, your directives should be one-time-only<\/strong>. This doesn\u2019t mean that you can\u2019t use the same directive (like no cell phones) for multiple events; rather, it means that the fact that one<\/em> gathering is a certain way doesn\u2019t mean that all subsequent gatherings will be that way. By making these directives one-time-only, you can experiment with different kinds of directives and create very specific moods at specific gatherings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Second, while it\u2019s better to explicitly communicate your directives to guests in advance, your directives can be spur-of-the-moment <\/strong>if necessary. For example, Parker once held a retreat for a Thai company. The retreat was designed to foster the consultants\u2019 relationship with each other; however, the cultural expectation that the consultants were available to their clients at all times caused several consultants to repeatedly arrive late to several sessions. Parker created a spur-of-the-moment directive that any late consultant had to do push-ups; this directive encouraged people to arrive on time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The fifth pre-gathering step, according to Parker, is to set expectations<\/strong>. While most hosts assume that the gathering begins when everybody arrives, Parker argues that in reality, the start of your gathering is whenever you tell a guest about it. So during the lead-up to your gathering, you should set expectations with your guests so that they have a clear idea of what will happen. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Parker contends that setting clear expectations during the lead-up to your guests\u2019 arrival is essential for two reasons. First, setting expectations will help your guests get into the right mood<\/strong>. As a result, they\u2019ll arrive at the gathering feeling more open to fully participating in the experience. Second, setting expectations prevents guests from feeling cheated<\/strong>. It reduces the possibility that your guests will feel disappointed because their own (incorrect) expectations for the gathering were unfulfilled. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Parker recommends two strategies for setting clear expectations. First, name your gathering<\/strong>. The right name will communicate to your guests both what they should be doing during<\/em> the gathering and how the gathering relates to their roles. For example, is your business gathering a workshop or a seminar? A workshop implies that your guests will need to be active and possibly brainstorm ideas<\/a> during the gathering, while a seminar suggests that your guests will be more passive and perhaps take notes while listening to a lecture. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Setting clear expectations is also<\/em> important in other social situations\u2014notably when dating. When asking someone out, experts recommend that you explicitly name the occasion: Say that you\u2019d like to take them on a \u201cdate\u201d<\/a> instead of merely suggesting that you hang out. By doing so, you establish the right mood pre-date, give them sufficient time to prepare, and communicate what behavior is and isn\u2019t appropriate during the occasion. You also prevent any awkwardness or disappointment that may arise<\/a> from unfulfilled expectations if your date mistakenly believes that you\u2019re hanging out as just friends.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n1. Identify the Reason<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
2. Curate Your Guest List<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
3. Select an Appropriate Venue<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
4. Create Directives <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
5. Set Expectations<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n